Please be Strong

[TheGuy]

I realise for me to be drifting to PMO I have lost sight and feeling of how bad PMO is.  How bad is PMO?
Actually, its really bad.  SERIOUSLY, PORN IS REALLY BAD.  Realise this: PORN IS REALLY BAD. It gives you a limp dick, bad sex life, no confidence, steals your valuable time and makes you feel like shit.  There is a simple acknowledgement to be made here.  Porn is an addiction and I'm an addict.  The reason why my mind is so ready to overlook the bad and pointless nature of porn is because I am an addict.  There it is.  I admit it.  I have a problem with porn.
Rocky time: Let me tell you something you already know, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  It will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.  Not me, you, or nobody is ever going to hit as hard as life can.  But it ain't how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done.  Now if you know what your worth then go out and get it.  But you can't be saying I didn't get this because of that, him, her or nobody.  That's what cowards do and that ain't you.
My P addiction is my fault and it is a fault of mine.  Its important for my life that I move past this addiction. 
I can take this and I can beat this.  PMO is not an option any more for me.
Rocky revised for PMO: Let me tell you something you already know, PMO isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  You will beat your self to your knees and stay there if you keep going.  Not me, you, or nobody is ever going to hit as hard as PMO can.  But it ain't how many relapses you have, its how much learning you can do and distance you can put between relapses, and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done.  Now if you know what your worth then go out and get it.  But you can't be saying I didn't get this because of P, M, O or anything.  That's what cowards do and that ain't you.
***
I calculated how much time I spent on porn over 3.5 months.  It was 8.12 days.  8.12 days jacking off? Come on! That's 1 week or 195 hours!!!  Over a decade that would work out to be 10 months of PMOing.  One day many years from now, when I'm on my death bed I don't want that to be my story, that would be really sad.  Life goes by fast man, don't waste another second on PMO.
PMO and hook up sites are not an option for me ever again.

 

[noises1990]

Hey there man! I can see that your struggle is difficult! Don't beat yourself up bro.. take it slow and all will fall in place. First of all realize all the damage that porn has caused in you and the person you are right now!

Always aim higher and set higher and higher goals! And focus on them man! You can do it!

 

[TheGuy]

I had some really bad urges on day 8.  I came close to breaking my deal with myself that I wouldn't engage in any sexual activity.  I have a Skype friend that I have fun with sometimes.  But nothing happened when I was online with them.
My reward?  I had a awesome day today with very little to no social anxiety.  Its so easy to overlook how well I'm doing when I'm doing well.  So I have to remind myself, when I go back to porn or hook up sites I feel like shit.  I don't focus on what I need to be focusing on.  I don't follow through on my commitments.  Everything is a blur, my memory turns to shit, inside I feel terrible.

So here I am, day 10.  As promised no action from any source.  My goal is 14 days.  After that I will set a new period.  I don't want to set a bigger goal that 14 days right now because I don't want my subconscious to cave in to a goal it thinks is unrealistic or unachievable.  14 days is small steps.  But each step adds to the journey and the less I watch porn and engage in hook up sites the happier that journey is becoming.

Here's to happiness!

 

[Androg]

This page can help with urges: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/i-relapsed-what-now

 

[TheGuy]

Noises1990, Androg; thanks.

Its day 12.  Two more days until day 14.  I'm making it.  I can make it two more days.  I'm here today because I'm alone in this house and am getting that adrenalin rush that I always get just before I view the P.  But no, today I am not Pavlov's dog to the Internet.  Today I my own dog, faithfully obeying my own commands.  Today I cast aside those feelings and thoughts arising from deep within my subconscious.  Don't be daft, its just pixels on a screen.  Your prehistoric mind for all its greatness can't quite seem to distinguish between real mating and watching stupid pixels on a screen.

Noises1990 "realize all the damage that porn has caused"
The best way to overcome porn addiction is to understand it.  If you understand it, it loses its power and you can easily answer biological urges.  Fortunately, the logic part of our brain is able to override our instinctual need to mate or derive sexual pleasure with a mate.
Damage the Porn Has Caused

• Shame - That feeling that what you are doing isn't right and you would be judged negatively by others.
• Anxiety - The feeling that you are in an unsafe place or state and you need to be ready to deal with danger.
• Time - The fleeting moments we get here on Earth to claim our dreams, procreate, be happy, make our lives and to make a difference.
• Happiness - The feeling of being content with your plot and that all is well and as it should be (or it will be) for your life

With porn I feel shame and anxiety, waste time and do not achieve happiness.  It stops me from remembering, deprioritises my urgent action items, reduces my self-confidence and generally causes imbalance in life.

Androg - your link:
"Our anxious moods are genuine but confused signals that something is amiss, and so they need to be listened to and patiently interpreted ? which is unlikely to happen when we have to hand one of the most powerful tools of distraction ever invented. The entire internet is in a sense pornographic, it is a deliverer of constant excitement which we have no innate capacity to resist, a system which leads us down paths many of which have nothing to do with our real needs."
And
"pornography weakens our tolerance for the kind of boredom which is vital to give our minds the space in which good ideas can emerge, the sort of creative boredom we experience in a bath or on a long train journey. It is at moments when we feel an irresistible desire to escape from ourselves that we can be sure that there is something important we need to bring to consciousness ? and yet it is precisely at such pregnant moments that internet pornography has a habit of exerting its maddening pull, thereby helping us to destroy our future."

Thanks Uncle Bob.

 

[TheGuy]

STOP DENYING YOURSELF YOUR RIGHTFUL FATE FOR THAT IS TRULY THE GREATEST TRAGEDY

From http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=282.0
2) When you feel the smallest LUST / TEMPTATION TO PMO IMMEDIATELY DENY IT! SAY NO! 
Say it with POWER! Imagine throwing those lustful ugly feelings out.
You will never beat porn if you don't do the difficult!  Deny it!
This is YOU, YOUR LIFE, wake up! Be STRONG!

And THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS, WITH GOING AGAINST YOUR SELF AGAINST
"BAD DESIRES" AND CHOOSING BETTER THINGS, YOU WILL CHANGE YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT.

YOU WILL BECOME ONE DEGREE MORE OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE.  WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE.
In time you change so much, PMO is the furthest thing from your mind.

 

[TheGuy]

I've relapsed but I'm not back to square one.  I'm not defeated.  I'm ready to go again.  It was a slip up.  Like exercise, I can't just start exercising one day and expect a muscle ripped body the next.  It takes time to strengthen muscle with exercise and resolve.  This is going to taking me some time to retrain my mind with resolve, meditation, routine and practice to get it right.  I can definitely do this and I am going to.

I feel good about this journey I'm on. I know I can overcome PMO. I've spent enough time in-between PMO to really understand how great the feeling is to be without PMO. To be secure, sound and strong of mind. Its awesome. The motivation is great. The ability to achieve goals goes up 1,000%. I can get back to who I was before PMO. My great own self where I'm motivated, have good memory, get good marks, feel confident about myself and can face anything.

I got to 13 days with no PMO, no MO, no browsing hook up sites.  It felt great.  Last night I was back on a hook up site.  Saw some nakedness and MO.  So I've reset my goal.  14 days once more.  I made it 13 I can make it 14.  I need to apply myself with extra meditation and routine.  Exercise going very well.

You guys are legends. Thanks for coming here and telling your story!

 

[TheGuy]

I've made it back to 18 hours.  I didn't watch P, but I M and O a couple of time which I've promised myself not to.
While I let things go this weekend I don't think I'm too far gone though.  The brain fog has not returned (probably because no P) and I feel in control once more.  I feel good about this journey and stopping PMO, M, O.  I've felt so powerful over the last week, like I can move the world.  My mind was becoming so snappy and fast.  I look forward to achieving that once more.  Here we go....

Great hints from http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1535.0.
Got the exercise, got the motivation, got the self belief, got the feeling good, I got this.
Time for a cold shower; holy crap....

 

[innergothkid]

Haha. What a coincidence. I just decided to check out the 30-39 forum to see what kinds of conversations you guys were having. Yours was one of the first journals I clicked on... and here you are, linking to my post.

How did the cold shower go? The first 2-4 days suck, but then your body adapts. Your blood flow improves and you feel less shock when you get hit with the cold water. Your body is able to adapt to the temperature change very quickly. When I first started, I would breathe heavily almost the entire shower. Now, it's pretty much one deep breath before I hit myself with the water, and then I shower as normal. I actually got in the river last weekend, and while it was certainly colder than my shower will get, it wasn't unbearable like it was the last time I got in. Improvement!

Are you going to do Fitness & Fapstronauts?

 

[TheGuy]

innergothkid you are becoming a guru.
I have to be honest, today was my first proper cold water shower.  My other showers were coldish with a dash of hot water.
I realise after today's cold shower, ANYTHING BUT THE COLD TAP IS NOT A COLD SHOWER. 

I entered that cold water umming and arring about relapsing.  As I entered the cold dreaded water, I told myself this is representative of my need to change myself.  This is representative of my need to not PMO, M or O at all.  This is the commitment I am making.  I'm giving everything to changing myself.

Friends, the water was so cold. Its still winter here and about 8 degrees centigrade so pretty cold already.  I committed myself to no PMO, M or O.  I entered the cold water and told myself to stay under it.  It was so cold it hurt my head for a few seconds.  After about 8 seconds, the cold pain went away.  The water felt not so cold and I could handle it.

 

[innergothkid]

Awesome. Congrats on your cold shower accomplishment. It gets easier. But even when it's not, it's still totally worth it.

 

[TheGuy]

Another cold shower this morning after exercising.  Things are going ok.
I'm at just under 4 days.  I feel not as confident as my last attempt I'm pretty sure its being in the flat line zone.  I hate this.  Man, porn sucks!

 

[innergothkid]

Hey. No giving up. Confidence isn't important. Only follow-through is.

 

[TheGuy]

Almost back at 5 days.  Things are starting to settle down again now.
I haven't been sleeping well which I don't think is good for reboot when we need to be mindful.
Exercise is going very well.  Starting to feel more confident.
Follow through I have and I will achieve this no PMO, no M and no O goal of mine.
I'm developing the mind set: P is not an option, hook up sites are not an option.
Porn will never be an option again.  I'm done with it.

Pretty tired so I'll finish by saying you guys are great.
All the best.  See you tomorrow.

 

[TheGuy]

Almost day 8.  Good work.
Feeling shit.  "Confidence doesn't matter only follow through."  I'll buy that.

Cold showers are awesome, they remind you what its like to be alive again.  They reaffirm your ability to experience discomfort and prosper from the experience.  Our life time's are short.  Don't waste another minute on porn or hook up sites.  Chemical imbalance has taken you on a less prosperous path.  Beat this, and prosper.
Thanks for all your great comments.

 

[TheGuy]

I don't feel great.  But then this entire thread seems to reiterate that sentiment.  I don't want to be negative but I also need to be honest with myself which is why I'm here.
Struggling with various stresses including study commitments.  Way behind on a bunch of deadlines.
The positive side however, is that PMO, M or O and not distracting me; at least my brain can focus on the important things instead of P brain fog or wasting my time on hook up sites.

Ok, time for a different outlook and some positivity:
1) I've reduced P massively!  I've only viewed P twice in the last 3.5 months; last time about 4 weeks ago.  I was viewing 3 - 5 times a week.  On heavy days maybe two or three times.  Anywhere from 1 to 4 hours.
At 4 PMO sessions a week, over 3.5 months (about 105 days) that's 65 PMO sessions (inc a few days where I did it two or three times).
At say an average of 3 hours a session that's 195 hours or 8.125 days of PMO time over 3.5 months. HOLY SHIT! That's a huge amount of my time wasted.
So, I've had a reduction of 3,250% of porn sessions over the last 3.5 months and a saving of 189 hours or 7.95 days.
Ok, from that point of view, I'm doing pretty good. Time for smiley face:
2) With this journey I've recommitted myself to creating short, medium and long term goals and I've put them up on my wall so I can see them everyday.
3) Even though I have stresses from deadline commitments, its taken a lot to get myself to a place where I have major deadline commitments.  Everyone should be so lucky.

Ok, feeling better after this post and putting some prospective on things.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 9.
This is about when I get too complacent especially with the approaching weekend.
Time to summarise some things about PMO/link to M and hook up sites:
1) Not feeling motivated; can't work out why life does enliven you anymore?  According to JAMA Psychiatry (May, 2014), this was the first brain-scan study on porn.  "Higher hours per week/more years of porn viewing correlated with a reduction in grey matter in sections of the reward circuitry (striatum) involved in motivation and decision-making."
2) Ibid "evidence of an association between porn use and impaired impulse control. This may indicate hypofrontality."
WTF hypofrontality?  Ah, executive control AKA "Assessing risk, making long-range plans, and controlling impulses are under the control of the frontal cortex. The term hypofrontality is often used when describing how addictions weaken and inhibit these self-control circuits. It takes time, and consistency, to return these circuits to full working order."

WHAT ELSE?
a. Copulatory Incompetence.  In other words, you can't get it up (ED) with other people.  That sucks and definitely explains some things. Awkward!
b. Masturbation without positive sensation.
c. Porn tastes that don't match sexual orientation. Ahhh, better note that one.
d. Severe and worsening social anxiety.
e. Fatigue and irritability.
f. No motivation.
g. Anxiety.
h. Depression.
I. Inability to concentrate.
j. Numbed pleasure response.

Hmmm yes, seems PMO is the death of enjoyment, memory, enjoyment, good sex, happiness, socialising, enjoyment, enjoyment, concentration, achievement of goals, energy, vitality, enjoyment, secure sexual orientation, being the life of the party, feeling free, motivation, enjoyment, concentration and oh yeah - enjoyment.
All that for the honour of spending hours PMO alone to pixels.  And then at the end, you are awash with feelings of shame for having wasted your time, viewed what you don't like and have not completed other important things.  And that shit feeling just as you climax and you are like 'damn' my whole day has gone.

So, in conclusion high speed internet porn = human mind error.  Leads to circular reference (porn - masturbate - feel shit - need pick up - porn - masturbate - feel shit - need pick up - porn etc...)

 

[TheGuy]

Day 10
Dear Porn,
Its not that I don't have time for you, because clearly in the past I've made plenty of time for you.
Its not that I'm waiting for the right time because I understand now there will never be a right time and we will never have time again.
Its not that my friends don't like you; some of them do.

What it is, is that I don't want anything to do with you any more.  Its you, not me.
I have decided to move on to a far better place with much happiness, self confidence, motivation and a healthy sexual life.

Good Riddens,
TheGuy

 

[TheGuy]

Basically at Day 11.
Great work.  Very tired, very busy, very stressed.
However, keeping exercise going, feeling good about this journey.  Cold showers are great.
Paying attention to triggers and behaviour.  Making sure I'm not slipping at this critical time for me.
No porn. No hook sites.  No PMO, M or O.

 

[innergothkid]

Awesome. Glad the cold showers are working out for you.