Please be Strong

[TheGuy]

Thanks InnerGothKid.  I can take a cold shower now and not even worry about it.  Its become like a regular shower.  It has demonstrated just how quickly I can adjust to change and it reminds me how I can change my life to not include porn.

These last few days have been rough. I have caught a cold from sick people around me, I've lost all motivation, struggling to get any work done and meet deadlines.  And I'm angry  so much crap from the past getting dragged up for me.  But it will pass soon.

One thing is certain, absolutely no PMO, M, O or hook up sites.
Despite everything, the sun is shining.  Got to be thankful for that and all the other great things in life.  Bring It!
Day 11.

 

[TheGuy]

Ha ha, Day 12.
Awesome!  I was working literally all day from wake up until now which is sleep time.
I had a few pangs today of like lets see who I can find online on a hook up site.  But then I was like, nahhhhh!!!
No PMO, M, O or hook up sites, not now and not ever again.  Its not an option any more.  Oh yeah.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 13 
I realise as I get close to my 14 day goal that more important than strength is consistency in self thought to change old thought patterns.  I've noticed that about 8 - 14 days is a common relapse time.  I think this is when the strong emotional motivation dissipates and we are more susceptible to old thought patterns.
So its important for me to develop consistent messages to override old thoughts and feelings and apply those messages consistently.  Thus, coming here to blog about my experience twice a day is a good reminder.
My message to myself if a simple one: No porn or PMO ever again.  No M or O during reboot.  Don't entertain curiosity.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 14 - first goal complete  .  Next goal 30 days.
One of the things I've been doing is removing all temptation through internet curiosity.
For example, not following emails from pinterest and other image sites, using youtube as little as possible and making sure if I get any thoughts of PMO or otherwise I deal with them on the spot and take the time to reinforce by changed outlook.  No PMO ever again.  No M or O during reboot.
So far so good; 14 days completely free of any PMO, M, O and hook up sites.
Exercise is going great and cold showers are freaking awesome.
Feeling good!

 

[TheGuy]

Just a quick reminder to myself of what happens when I PMO:
1) Feel really bad and ashamed.
2) Suffer from social anxiety and lack the ability to confidently take part in a conversation or even stick up for myself when I need to.
3) My brain when on PMO cycle operates very slowly and I'm in a state of shifting depression.
4) I can't focus on my goals, have short term memory loss and lack motivation.
5) One of my calculations above confirmed that when I'm PMO most days of the week, every 3 months I'd spend about 7.5 days of my time PMOing.  7 Days!  That's 28 days a year or 1/12th of my time.  How the heck is that even possible?  That's absurd.  Now I feel really angry at myself for having allowed my self to waste so much time over the years.
Its a shame having lost this much time.
However, its one thing to be ignorant.  Its another to know these things and not do something about it.
I'm really glad I've put a stop to PMO, M and O.
There is no more 1 more time with porn.  1 more time becomes years of 1 more times and I mean literally years.

A life time goes by in a flash; we are here for but a moment and then we are gone.
Masturbating to porn doesn't make any sense at all.  Its the least productive thing we could do.
Don't waste another breath of air, don't allow yourself to stay trapped in here for another moment!

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[TheGuy]

Day 15.
Have had some very intense flash backs of P today.  My heart is racing and I can feel myself drifting toward demise.
This is the first day that I've struggled with this and the first day my brain has contemplated relapse without me being able to destroy that idea immediately.
Seems I got past by original 14 day goal and then my attitude has changed in some unperceivable way.
I'm changing my goal from 30 days to 180 days.
To those images in my mind I cast you out with patience and might and all the bearing I have with what is right and good.
I come here to reiterate my serious declaration to myself.  No more PMO, P or M or hook up sites.  No more relapsing.  Time for cold shower.

 

[TheGuy]

Almost Day 16.
Well I managed to hold out from my massively strong desires yesterday to watch P or M or O.  I'm very thankful for that because I know I'd be feeling like shit right now if I caved.  I'm refocusing on my new goal now, 180 days without PMO, M or O.  I can do that.
Still recovering from cold and tired from shitty sleep due to cold.  Did a little exercise this morning and read goals.
I realise for me to be drifting to PMO I have lost sight and feeling of how bad PMO is.  How bad is PMO?
Actually, its really bad.  SERIOUSLY, PORN IS REALLY BAD.  It gives you a limp dick, bad sex life, no confidence, steals your valuable time and makes you feel like shit.  There is a simple acknowledgement to be made here.  Porn is an addiction and I'm an addict.  The reason why my mind is so ready to overlook the bad and pointless nature of porn is because I am an addict.  There it is.  I admit it.  I have a problem with porn.  I am an addict.
Rocky time: Let me tell you something you already know, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  It will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.  Not me, you, or nobody is ever going to hit as hard as life can.  But it ain't how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done.  Now if you know what your worth then go out and get it.  But you can't be saying I didn't get this because of that, him, her or nobody.  That's what cowards do and that ain't you.
My P addiction is my fault and it is a fault of mine.  Its important for my life that I move past this addiction. 
I can take this and I can beat this.  PMO is not an option any more for me.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 16.
Away working all day.  After this morning's refocussed (last post) on what PMO actually is, I feel in control once more.  After further thought, I realise that what started me weakening was an old porn image in my mind.  This inevitably lead to temptation to watch P and PMO because the image came from porn.  Other guys might describe this as fantasising.  I think that's a fair call.
So I have to link anything with PMO including old images in my mind as bad in order to break that link to P and its path to PMO.
No PMO (or anything associated with it) or hook up sites ever again.  No M or O during reboot.
I am a porn addict.  The addiction does bad things to my life.  I am going to beat that addiction and get my life in order.
Rocky revised for PMO: Let me tell you something you already know, PMO isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  You will beat your self to your knees and stay there if you keep going.  Not me, you, or nobody is ever going to hit as hard as PMO can.  But it ain't how many relapses you have, its how much learning you can do and distance you can put between relapses, and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done.  Now if you know what your worth then go out and get it.  But you can't be saying I didn't get this because of P, M, O or anything.  That's what cowards do and that ain't you.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 17
Busy as can be and stressed!  I couldn't fall asleep last night until 5am because of flu I think.  Had 5 hours sleep which is not ideal for me.
However, I'm doing good.  No PMO, M, O, hook up sites or temptations.  Awesome!

 

[TheGuy]

Almost Day 18.
Going great, no PMO, M, O or hook up sites.  Feeling better and better about this journey. Remaining vigilant.
A beautiful woman passed me in the train station and gave me a awesome smile.  We were smiling at each other on the platform waiting for train.  Feeling more confident!

 

[TheGuy]

Day 18, still getting occasional flashbacks but they are easy to remove.
I use the "Cancel" button in my mind to remove them.  Cheers to 18 days of no PMO, hook up-sites, M or O.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 20 - no PMO, hook up sites, M or O - oh yeah.
I feel like I can absolutely achieve a PMO free life now.  With my constant: No PMO, hook up sites, M or O, my brain is finally listening and I am changing my attitude, goals and decreasing procrastination.
Awesome, I'm feeling much better even while getting over the flu.

 

[TheGuy]

Almost Day 21 - No PMO, hook up sites, M or O.
Have had the flu for the last week.  My house mates had the flu and I caught it off them.
Have not had more than 5 hours sleep for a week straight.  I can't seem to sleep or even nap during the day; troubling.  I stopped exercising to give my body a chance to recover and have not had cold showers for the same reason.  While this has been going on, I've been working hard, reducing procrastination and despite my at times delirious state of flu and insomnia I've been able to say no to the slightest PMO and hook up sties.  Abstain from curiosity.  I've done the hard yards and I feel like I am benefiting now with, dare I say it again, no PMO, hook up sites, M or O attitude.
Hopefully more sleep and return to well being with exercise and cold showers soon.

 

[Losing Neverland]

This is a fantastic journal.

You seem to be overcoming your setbacks reasonably well. Keep going!

 

[vispren]

Abstain from curiosity.

This is key. You just opened my eyes just a little bit more. Keep up the good work, man.

 

[TheGuy]

Vispren, Losing Neverland thanks for your encouragement.
Day 21.
I was reading over some of my journal and something occurred to me.  The words I use invoke significantly different feelings in me.
For example:
Sometimes I've been saying: No PMO, hook up sites, M or O.
Other times I've been saying: No PMO or hook up site ever again.  No M or O during reboot.
The intensity of my feeling to stop is far greater with the second than the first.  Indeed, the first saying is basically saying no PMO or hook up sites, M or O. But my mind is interpreting that as meaning right now. 
Whereas, when I say No PMO or hook up sites ever again, the commitment is absolute and my mind understands this and I feel much stronger internally about not going back to PMO or hook up sites.
So, no PMO or hook up sites ever again; no M or O during reboot.  That's the stuff!

 

[TheGuy]

Day 21 - No PMO, hook up sites, O or M.
I have been thinking about how porn may have effected my attitude.  Like objectifying people as sexual objects rather than human beings.  I don't think I have a big problem with this, but I do feel like I should look at this side of things.  I don't think 16 years of porn can leave you completely unscathed so I'm going to investigate this side of things.
I was reading an article, saying people are exposed to sexualisation much more now than in earlier eras.  Then I thought, yeah like being married when you are 13 in the 1800s wasn't being exposed to sexualisation right?  But then I realised, we are exposed to a different type of sexualisation by TV, movies with sex scenes, music videos that are practically soft porn and the Internet (remember the Internets only been around mainstream for 16 years; lol I know).  So from a young age we are exposed to digital excitement and I do think this makes it easier for us to engage in porn.

Anyway, I realise that my reboot is more than just stopping PMO, its realigning or at least checking my values of how I see people.
I got a full 8 hours sleep last night for the first time in about 10 days.  So grateful for sleep!!!  I exercised yesterday and again this morning so feeling good.
No PMO or hook up sites ever again; its not an option.  No M or O during reboot.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 22 - No PMO, hook up sites, M or O.
Have been feeling like going to a hook up site this morning.  My minds trying to justify its not P.  But I know deep down it will feel the same.  Afterward, I'll feel like shit.  It will lead to sex or M or O.  I'll feel like I'm not the master of my domain and that will crush my spirit and progress.
I've reviewed my journal in full today and I am absolutely convinced of my progress and how abstaining from everything is my key to get out of this addiction.  My mind is trying to work out anyway it can to get that dopamine.  But I've got those bases covered now.
I feel more confident now than I have in the last 5 years.
Flu slowly receding, got 7 hours sleep and feel like I'm getting back to a normal sleep routine.  Exercised yesterday and this morning.
Feeling good; I got nothing but love for all your good people on here making your changes.  Don't give up on yourself, your worth it.  Carpe diem.
No PMO or hook up sites ever again. No M or O during reboot.