andyaks5dd
Member
I am a 20 year old pursuing Bachelors Degree, currently in final year.I have divided my story into three phases where each phase represents a important behavioral/lifestyle change in me.
#Phase 1
I have been watching porn and masturbating since age 14. It started out as a exploring thing which later became and addiction. I started fapping twice a day with atleast an hour of porn. It was not much of a problem then because I had lots of time to shed out and courses were simpler. But later as courses became tougher I managed to quit porn and fapping for straight one month without much effort. This gave me a lot of confidence and , after that one month it was vacation and it persuaded me into starting my old routine again. But this time my addiction hit back hard. Every time I decided to reduce my addiction , I never got past a week.
#Phase 2
I once forced myself into do it straight for 3 weeks and it was disastrous. After the 1st week my brain started losing concentration on work and shifted to looking at women around me. It was then, I realized I have a problem.The third week was so bad I started being irritated with my friends ,started losing complete focus. I needed focus and for that the only possible way was to break the 'no-fap', 'no-porn' thing and come out of it. I got my focus back (atleast that was what I thought) . I decided to stop thinking about this 'no-fap,no-porn' thing and continue my life in submission to my addiction.
Phase #3
But then after an year I lost focus even after submitted to my addiction, this time because I was always thinking about porn, or stuff like that. My grades started falling, I never understood what I was doing wrong with my studies. I felt like I was becoming dumber everyday and my friends were becoming smarter . Till then I atleast had a satisfaction that my addiction isn't effecting my career, but now this was not the case. I stopped being with my friends and spending more time watching more porn to console myself ,to relieve me from my stress,and this was giving me short term strength to keep me moving on.
After this came the breaking point, the porn I was watching didn't satisfy me. I started watching gay/ts porn and after starting these,I couldn't come back to my normal life even physically. This was because I had man boobs (I used to be overweight in my teenage, now I am at the needed BMI but my man boobs never left). I was getting dirty thoughts through out the day about my sexual orientation but I never had any feelings towards same sex people nor an attraction to them.It was just my sexual imaginations satisfying me with dopamine. I started going for cam sex sites and spending hours looking at them stripping. I started going to ts dating sites and looking for people to chat with. I lost track of my true life goals, my studies and my social life. I don't understand how to come out of this misery now.Today I decided to delete porn on my PC and to my shock I had accumulated around hundreds of GB of porn over the years. I want to give one last try before I seek professional help. Any suggestions are welcome. :'( :'( :'(
Triggers:
I haven't had a proper conversation with a girl since 3 years.Reason:Lack of confidence to approach them and speak.
I follow a lot of youtubers who sometimes have sexually arousing stuff (it is kind of a trigger when I am desperate).
I have around 3 months more to get my focus and concentration back,before I started going for internships and stuff very important for my career.
#Phase 1
I have been watching porn and masturbating since age 14. It started out as a exploring thing which later became and addiction. I started fapping twice a day with atleast an hour of porn. It was not much of a problem then because I had lots of time to shed out and courses were simpler. But later as courses became tougher I managed to quit porn and fapping for straight one month without much effort. This gave me a lot of confidence and , after that one month it was vacation and it persuaded me into starting my old routine again. But this time my addiction hit back hard. Every time I decided to reduce my addiction , I never got past a week.
#Phase 2
I once forced myself into do it straight for 3 weeks and it was disastrous. After the 1st week my brain started losing concentration on work and shifted to looking at women around me. It was then, I realized I have a problem.The third week was so bad I started being irritated with my friends ,started losing complete focus. I needed focus and for that the only possible way was to break the 'no-fap', 'no-porn' thing and come out of it. I got my focus back (atleast that was what I thought) . I decided to stop thinking about this 'no-fap,no-porn' thing and continue my life in submission to my addiction.
Phase #3
But then after an year I lost focus even after submitted to my addiction, this time because I was always thinking about porn, or stuff like that. My grades started falling, I never understood what I was doing wrong with my studies. I felt like I was becoming dumber everyday and my friends were becoming smarter . Till then I atleast had a satisfaction that my addiction isn't effecting my career, but now this was not the case. I stopped being with my friends and spending more time watching more porn to console myself ,to relieve me from my stress,and this was giving me short term strength to keep me moving on.
After this came the breaking point, the porn I was watching didn't satisfy me. I started watching gay/ts porn and after starting these,I couldn't come back to my normal life even physically. This was because I had man boobs (I used to be overweight in my teenage, now I am at the needed BMI but my man boobs never left). I was getting dirty thoughts through out the day about my sexual orientation but I never had any feelings towards same sex people nor an attraction to them.It was just my sexual imaginations satisfying me with dopamine. I started going for cam sex sites and spending hours looking at them stripping. I started going to ts dating sites and looking for people to chat with. I lost track of my true life goals, my studies and my social life. I don't understand how to come out of this misery now.Today I decided to delete porn on my PC and to my shock I had accumulated around hundreds of GB of porn over the years. I want to give one last try before I seek professional help. Any suggestions are welcome. :'( :'( :'(
Triggers:
I haven't had a proper conversation with a girl since 3 years.Reason:Lack of confidence to approach them and speak.
I follow a lot of youtubers who sometimes have sexually arousing stuff (it is kind of a trigger when I am desperate).
I have around 3 months more to get my focus and concentration back,before I started going for internships and stuff very important for my career.