Porn stole over a decade of my life

[holycabbage]

Hello my friend. I will advice you to stop thinking and fantasizing about sex and porn by any mean. All these stuff have nothing to do with reality(think about that, they are all fake) and sex with a partner. Trust me we/I did the same mistakes in the beginning. PMO has a little sister and her name is MO. MO activates the same pathways on the brain stop this habit. I started seeing big improvements when I stopped fantasizing about sex, it was really hard to stop sex fantasy but it came out normally after a long period of absence about anything related to sex.
Also I will advice you to watch all Gabe's videos on YT and read the book "your brain on porn".

I have watched all videos by Gabe, and Noah.  They helped a lot.  I've also read most of what yourbrainonporn.com has to offer.  I don't fantasize as much, and when I do I'm usually quick to shut it down.

it's best to rewire with a partner.  Which I don't have.

Neither do I mate! Embrace it. Use it to your advantage. For me I'm not sure having a partner helped because I just got so sick of the up and down nature of libido. At least when I'm on my own and not trying to O I build up some decent hardmode and feel great for ages. Yes, I get sexually frustrated and usually end up having a WD, but hell... The fact I'd never had a WD at all until I hit 32 shows how badly I'd exhausted my arousal system. Just don't even think about women full stop right now until your mood improves.

My mood's a lot better than it has been.  I've been seeing a counselor every couple weeks.  Not about this, but more about life.  I was thinking about bringing this up at our next session on Wednesday.  I've also been thinking of doing another hard mode streak.  Last time I made it 75 days.  Right now I'm at 7.

 

[TurningTheCorner]

Just read your journal. Man, I relate in a lot of ways.

Fell into porn the same way you did (parent's computer, pics, building from there). Avoided relationships with real women.

When I was 28 I spent New Years Eve with some college girl I met on OKCupid. We were just watching TV together, but she was aggressive and it became clear she was going to keep escalating until she got what she wanted. I got an erection briefly, but lost it very quickly. I managed to salvage the night, but I was terrified to see her again after that... so I didn't.

Maybe 8 months or a year later I got lonely and hopped on OKCupid. Ended up meeting a sweet girl just finishing up college. I had some erection issues early on, but she stuck with me and I got over them. The sex was good for a while, but then I fell into old habits.

The porn didn't give me erection issues except for maybe a couple rare occasions. But, I was wayyyyyyyyyy less into her. She needed a lot of physical affection and adoration and porn just left me kinda empty. She'd ask me for kisses and I'd roll my eyes. I didn't realize how unhappy she had become.

Anyway, when a fellow on her work softball team started being sweet with her and flirting with her and giving her that affection, she was susceptible to that. She developed feelings. And now I'm 33 and I just lost my fiancee of 5 years. I don't think porn was solely to blame, but it had to be a factor over the years.

So even though I have one big relationship under my belt, I don't have any other experience dating or socializing with women. It doesn't come naturally. I can't imagine other women being into me. I can't imagine the process of trying to build what I just lost with someone else. It's very daunting. I don't really have any guy friends to go out and do stuff with either. I like playing disc golf, but it's not as fun by yourself and the friends that used to play with me are pre-occupied with their own shitty marriages and family life.

Side note, how tall are you? You mentioned you were almost 7'0" tall. I'm 6'6".

Sounds like we are a couple of tall 33 year olds who have roughly the same problems and roughly the same mindset. I'll be rooting for you and following your journal.

 

[holycabbage]

Thanks, TurningTheCorner.  I look forward to keeping up with your journal as well, as I, too, find much of it relatable.

I'm 6'9" tall, since you asked.  I've also tried the online dating thing, hence the 3 dates since 2005.  The first one, we had no connection, so both decided there wouldn't be a second date.  Met her off plenty of fish.  The second one I met on tinder (I know, tinder's for sex, etc), but this wasn't a sex date.  First date went well, so we agreed on a second date, which I thought went well, but when I tried to arrange to go out again I got no reply.

I've been single for so long that even my mother wants to try to find me somebody.  I just told her good luck with that.

 

[holycabbage]

This is much harder than it was at the beginning.  I don't know why.  I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm restless, I'm anxious.  I want to laugh, I want to cry.  I want to watch porn.  Or at least look at some pictures.  Something.  Anything.  I was entertaining the thought of seeing an escort for a while.  Bad idea, brain.  Shut up.

I have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The feeling I get when I'm really nervous about something.  But I'm not nervous about anything right now.

I did some cleaning yesterday, going to do some more today.  Spent a bit of time pacing around my place thinking about life.  Thinking about porn.  Not in a fantasy way, more in a Get out of my head way.  No headaches yet, so that's good.  I think I might bring it up with my counselor on Wednesday.  It sucks not having a real-life support system.  This place helps, though.  Just reading people's journals helps.  Writing in mine and reading responses helps.  I started a paper journal as well.  Don't write in it often, though.  Probably not often enough.

Going to school in a week is going to be a real challenge.  There are going to be a lot of girls there half my age.  I'm just glad it'll be Autumn and they'll mostly be bundled up, but still.  Going to be difficult.  School's my main focus right now.  I'm just glad it's only 2 months.

 

[TurningTheCorner]

It absolutely sucks not having a real life support system. It makes me angry at myself too. If PMOing hadn't been part of my routine, would I have gotten out in the world and built a better group of friends and learned how to socialize better?

Now I have no real life support system and I lack the skills to go out and build one.

I need to find some hobbies that will get me out there more. Right now I work from home and I only leave to go shopping or maybe go on a walk. Now that I'm not PMOing I'm gonna go crazy if I don't find an outlet.

 

[holycabbage]

It absolutely sucks not having a real life support system. It makes me angry at myself too. If PMOing hadn't been part of my routine, would I have gotten out in the world and built a better group of friends and learned how to socialize better?

Now I have no real life support system and I lack the skills to go out and build one.

I need to find some hobbies that will get me out there more. Right now I work from home and I only leave to go shopping or maybe go on a walk. Now that I'm not PMOing I'm gonna go crazy if I don't find an outlet

I'm in very much the same situation.  I had friends but I left them behind when I moved out here.  Then I had friends out here at the beginning but they've all since gone or stopped talking to me.  So I've been very much alone for the past 8 years.  I was thinking of taking a cooking class or something.  Not sure how I'll balance that with school, though.  I guess I'll see in a week.

I was going crazy today so I went for a drive.  Found a nice little pizza joint and got some lunch, then decided to check out our airplane museum.  Some really cool stuff in there.  On the way there I drove by a massage parlor I've been to a few times.  Almost stopped in to say hi.  It took everything I had to not go in.

I feel fine for now.  Did some cleaning, just started cooking dinner.  No idea what I'm going to do after dinner though.  I'm not really in the mood to play games or watch netflix.  Sitting here all day's been driving me crazy lately.  I felt this way yesterday too so I drove out to the beach which thankfully was empty, probably on account of it being rather chilly outside.  So I walked along the river for a bit.  It was quiet and nice.

 

[TurningTheCorner]

I'm in very much the same situation.  I had friends but I left them behind when I moved out here.  Then I had friends out here at the beginning but they've all since gone or stopped talking to me.  So I've been very much alone for the past 8 years.  I was thinking of taking a cooking class or something.  Not sure how I'll balance that with school, though.  I guess I'll see in a week.

I was going crazy today so I went for a drive.  Found a nice little pizza joint and got some lunch, then decided to check out our airplane museum.  Some really cool stuff in there.  On the way there I drove by a massage parlor I've been to a few times.  Almost stopped in to say hi.  It took everything I had to not go in.

I feel fine for now.  Did some cleaning, just started cooking dinner.  No idea what I'm going to do after dinner though.  I'm not really in the mood to play games or watch netflix.  Sitting here all day's been driving me crazy lately.  I felt this way yesterday too so I drove out to the beach which thankfully was empty, probably on account of it being rather chilly outside.  So I walked along the river for a bit.  It was quiet and nice.

Man, I feel you on the struggle to fill free time.

Your account of what you did sounds fun. A drive, lunch, a museum, a beach, a river walk. That sounds great.

But then the bigger picture kicks in and I realize that's only 1 day. What about all the other days that need to be filled? My ex and I will move on eventually and not live together. When the dust settles, how do I fill my day?

I'd join a gym if I thought I had any hope of sticking with it. I'd pick up disc golf again if I had anyone to play with who wasn't a total jag.

I gotta find what that next time-filler / hobby is gonna be. I think that's probably the next big question that needs to be answered.

If you come up with something, let me know!

 

[holycabbage]

For me it's a matter of driving around town and seeing some place I've never been before and thinking "I'd like to check that out."  Even if you do it alone.  Everybody puts so much pressure on not being alone that they don't realize how nice it can be sometimes.  You can go where you want to go, eat where you want to eat, go at your own pace.  Sure, I'd like to find somebody to do stuff with, but in the mean time I'm content being alone.  It hasn't always been that way but I've learned to accept it and live with it.  Now it's been so long that I don't remember how to be in a relationship.

 

[holycabbage]

12 days into hard mode 2.0.  Last time I made it 75 days.  Not sure how long I'll go this time.

A couple nights ago I woke up unexpectedly in the middle of the night like I do sometimes.  Found I had the biggest erection I had in a long, long time.  I managed to ignore it.  It went away finally after about 10 minutes, and I was able to go back to sleep.  Woke up in the morning with another one, this time lasting a good 20 minutes.  I wanted so bad to MO, but I stopped myself.  Got out of bed, ate breakfast, went to work.

We have a lift at work that gets people up and down the building that we're working on.  In the mornings it gets quite crowded.  A girl came on and decided to stand right in front of me, her behind was pretty much in my crotch.  I felt a little twinge down there like it wanted to do something, but thankfully it never did.  That would have been super awkward.  I have one more day of work till school.  Should keep me busy enough to keep my mind off things for a couple months.

 

[holycabbage]

I decided I need to learn how to talk to women.  I'm in school for another month and a half, and that's really the only time I'm ever around them.  My head knows what I want to say but my mouth doesn't, so I walk away before I say anything.  Then there's that annoying voice in my head that says "What's the point if she'll just say no anyway?"  I notice a few looking at me as I'm walking down the hall, but I don't know if it's interest, curiosity, or the fact that I'm almost 7 feet tall.  I've never been good at this kind of stuff.  I feel I'm ready to start dating, I just have no idea how to go about doing it.

I did see a girl who was almost as tall as me yesterday, though.  I thought those only existed in fairy tales.

 

[TurningTheCorner]

How are things going?

Still doing hard mode?

Come up with any strategy to start dating?

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Just been reading your posts and I find I can relate to a lot of it as well.

You mentioned in one of them you were considering therapy. Did you ever peruse this avenue? For some people the addiction can be fueled or persisted by other underlying issues. Also given what porn has done to you, that experience in itself can take its toll. Worth a thought at least.

Good luck! I'm gonna keep reading your progress as its updated.

 

[holycabbage]

Sorry for my absence.  Been super busy with school, but I'm almost done. 

How are things going?

Still doing hard mode?

Come up with any strategy to start dating?

Both these answers are no.  Hard mode 2.0 lasted about a month.  Now I let myself MO once every couple weeks.  I relapsed last week.  In a moment of anger and loneliness, I reached out to porn.  Went to my old favorite site, threw on the first thing I saw, and PMOed.  Whole thing lasted about a minute and a half.

As far as dating goes, I'm starting to accept that it's hopeless.  How can I date if I can't even muster up the courage to say hi to somebody?  I went to a concert last weekend and there was a girl there who was looking at me.  She didn't notice that I noticed at first, but when she did, she quickly looked away.  I wanted to say hi but there's a tiny voice in the back of my brain asking what's the point if she'll just say no?  I get the same thing all the time at school too.  It kinda sucks when rejection's what you've dealt with your whole life, so you get too nervous and scared to even try.

Just been reading your posts and I find I can relate to a lot of it as well.

You mentioned in one of them you were considering therapy. Did you ever peruse this avenue? For some people the addiction can be fueled or persisted by other underlying issues. Also given what porn has done to you, that experience in itself can take its toll. Worth a thought at least.

Good luck! I'm gonna keep reading your progress as its updated.

I have went to a few counselling sessions to discuss unrelated things.  Porn didn't come up until my last visit.  I suspect he might have been a porn addict as well, because he was 42, single, and very, very interested in the topic.  So I told him to go to yourbrainonporn.com.

As far as everything else goes, I think I'm well on my way to being better.  I've been waking up with morning wood these past couple days, and on the days that I don't, a simple touch often does the trick.  It lasts anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes, sometimes longer.

I had a dream last night about being in high school and they wanted me to join the women's volleyball team for whatever reason.  Their uniform was a t-shirt and nothing else.  It was weird.  Also, they weren't very good so I ended up coaching.  Which is also weird cause I'm terrible at volleyball.

 

[holycabbage]

Well, I'm done school.  Back to work now, which is good.

It's been 11 months since I gave up porn.  Had some ups and down since then, mostly ups, but lately I haven't really been feeling much of anything.  I've had little motivation to really do anything, and I haven't been sleeping well.  I have no idea why.

There's a voice in my brain that still urges me to take a peek, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it.  There's another part of my brain that says what's the point in doing this, since I'm single and the only way to get sex is to pay for it?  That one's harder to ignore, but I do my best.

It's definitely easier than when I started, though.

 

[holycabbage]

So I asked a girl out today.

She said yes.  I then forgot to get her phone number.  I'll see her tomorrow since we're both working on the same job site, try to set something up for this weekend, provided she doesn't change her mind.

I've come to realize that I'm more scared of a girl saying yes than I am of a girl saying no.  I've gotten so good at not letting people know me, that the thought of letting somebody in terrifies me.

 

[Hopin4Better]

Hey bud that is great news. I love the chase. Hope it goes well with this girl.

 

[HumbleRich]

Hey Holy Cabbage,

Congrats on your great streak and for getting a date.  Don't start making up scenarios in your head.  She hasn't said yes to a second date yet.  She certainly is not your girlfriend  yet. 

I would take it slow.  Go out on a date.  If it goes well ask for another.  Be a gentleman, be charming.  Just take it slow.  Don't even put sex on the table until it seems natural.  I would taje her on at least three or four dates before even thinking about sex.

This all assumes she gives you a second date.

Watch how your body reacts.  You should get feelings of arousal from contact, like holding hands (slight arousal), kissing her, making out, putting your arm around her.  You should feel something from all of these things.

If you get a boner, great.  Don't freak out.  Just carry on with the plan. 

You'll do fine, bud.

Rich

 

[holycabbage]

Well, I don't even have a first date yet.  If I don't see her on Monday I'll probably just forget the whole thing.  My dating history is pretty much non-existent, as is my experience with women.  3 dates in 6 years, no second dates.

Sometimes I think I'm just meant to be alone.

 

[Hopin4Better]

You can't think like that.

Don't forget about her. Ask her out for dinner or lunch.

 

[holycabbage]

These past couple weeks have been weird.  I've been walking around not really feeling anything.  Not happy, not sad, not angry, just numb.  I have no idea why.  My dick's been completely dead as well.  At least, until this morning when I got a random half-boner for about 2 minutes.  But that's more than I've gotten in a while.

I'm trying to break the habit of playing with it.  I play with it a lot out of boredom, and I think that's one of my biggest problems.  Leaving porn behind was easy.  Stopping myself from playing with my penis is a lot harder than that was.  I'm starting to think that was my true addiction.  Not porn, although porn definitely didn't help the situation.  Neither does living by myself.  So I'm going to quit that too, using the same strategy I used for porn.  One week at a time.  Today's day 3.

I've been thinking of getting a sex doll.  Not one of the cheap inflatable ones that you get at any novelty sex shop, but a real, solid one.  Only issue is they're very expensive.  I've spent hours of research on them and apparently they help for this kind of situation by getting your body used to something more like a woman and less like your hand, which would be nice, at least until I get a woman in my life.  If that ever happens.