The summer of a dormouse

[JasonGuitar]

Haha I am right there with you! My work days are so much more productive now that I am not spending most of the day idly surfing porn while half-working. I have actually been quitting work on time and not scrambling to finish things up because I wasted the entire day.

I am noticing more 'normal' responses from my body that I have not experienced in a long time, like spontaneous erections from just lying next to my wife or for seemingly no reason at all. I had forgotten that these things were normal for a man, haha.

 

[Moth-head]

Good to know it is not just me then, JasonGuitar.

Day 25. Just 5 days from my 30 day milestone. I can do this

I am about ready for some sex now. I think I mentioned earlier that the wife has been recovering from an operation. Add t that, two kids under the age of 3, some in-laws staying in my house over the next few weeks and it is safe to say my chances of getting laid are so close to zero that they might unbalance the theory of relativity.

I am determined to do this to the hilt though, no cheating and no porn substitutes, like erotic literature. It is going to be tough, but I have read so many positive stories of success on these forums and elsewhere that I am determined to be one of them, whatever it takes.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 27

The good news is that I have not been fighting my urges to return to porn so hard the last couple of days. I have been very busy winding down a project and now that it is done and the stress is off it is amazing how much the need I felt to look at porn has eased off. Stress is definitely a trigger for me. Either that, or it is an excuse I give myself to look at porn.

One thing I have in my favor is a very busy life at the moment. Between my family and job I have very little time to even contemplate looking at porn. When I was single and working from home I had no chance. I probably spent at least half my day on porn sites.Maybe that was why I never made any money when I worked from home.

Anyone who is either lives alone or works for home, or even more impressive, is both, and still manages to kick a porn habit is incredible. You would need godlike powers of self-restraint. If there anyone out there like that who reads this, I tip my cap to you. You are my hero.

I have some new milestones coming up to look forward to. Tomorrow is 3 weeks without porn and, Tuesday will be 30 days free of porn.

 

[Moth-head]

28 days later...

And no Zombie apocalypse. Happy to have made it 3 weeks without porn.

I had a weird experience last night in bed. I woke up in the early hours with an erection you could crack an egg on, both physically and mentally in a state of hyper arousal. I can't remember feeling that way since I was a teen. My mind then started a playback of all my favorite porn scenes. It was fucking insane what it did to my body. I literally almost ejaculated just from thinking about it. So much for DE. It was unnerving, but also felt pretty amazing, my entire body was tingling with sensation. I probably could have come in a single stroke, but I resisted, in large part because my wife was sleeping beside me and I did not want to have to explain the wet sheets in the morning.

Because I started using porn before I fully sexually matured, I have had very few wet dreams. Only one that I am certain of (it is still pretty vivid to me). I know you aren't meant to really get them as an adult, but I have read it happens sometimes in a reboot. Last night was pretty damn close to what I remember.

I am not 100% certain about how to feel about it. Part of me is happy I did not cum to the porn images in my mind and that I am starting to get these almost overwhelming bouts of horniness since I stopped using porn. Another part of me is scared that in the moment I might buckle under the pressure and rush back to porn for some relief.

I am waiting to see if it happens again.

The good news is that the wife has said she is finally feeling close to recovered from her surgery and that sexy time is once again imminent. The bad news is the in-laws are still in our house for another week at least and the walls in our house are not very thick...

Only 2 days to go until day 30!

 

[Moth-head]

29 Days.

Still struggling in the rough after leaving the fairway a few strokes back (or maybe that is more like a few lack of strokes back). No PMO yet and I have avoided porn sites. However, I have been drawn into just "taking a little peak" at some pretty sexy Youtube videos that popped up as suggestions, as well as some sexy pics that were on an art site I frequent. Nothing beyond some sensual suggested nudity, but I did feel it starting to warm up my porn drive, so I shut them down... eventually.

I don't want to have to live like an Internet recluse, but is hard to avoid erotic stuff on the internet, even when you are staying away from overt porn sites.

Tomorrow is day 30. I was anticipating more excitement when this day came, but I still don't trust myself enough to really count it a a big victory.

 

[mousemat1]

Knock the 'little peaks' on the head!

You know where it leads to eventually. I wouldn't count it as a relapse but just imagine how shit your going to feel if you get to day 60 then find yourself wanking into a sock, then, 30 seconds later realising you've just wasted all that hard work for nothing and have to reset your counter to zero!

Fight the urges my friend! Stay strong and reap the benefits in 6 months time! 

 

[iwanttobeagoodman]

29 Days.

Still struggling in the rough after leaving the fairway a few strokes back (or maybe that is more like a few lack of strokes back). No PMO yet and I have avoided porn sites. However, I have been drawn into just "taking a little peak" at some pretty sexy Youtube videos that popped up as suggestions, as well as some sexy pics that were on an art site I frequent. Nothing beyond some sensual suggested nudity, but I did feel it starting to warm up my porn drive, so I shut them down... eventually.

I don't want to have to live like an Internet recluse, but is hard to avoid erotic stuff on the internet, even when you are staying away from overt porn sites.

Tomorrow is day 30. I was anticipating more excitement when this day came, but I still don't trust myself enough to really count it a a big victory.

You're doing well friend. I relate to your story quite a bit (as I'm sure everyone here can).

Well done on making it this far.  I hope you are managing to fill up those hours with some productive new things.

Oddly I also just bought a new laptop, and I'm also going to try to keep this one porn free. Will be nice to be able to give it to the wife / friends without worrying what kind of horrifying crap they'll find right

 

[Moth-head]

Thanks Mousemat1! Good advice, I agree, a big part of what is keeping me going is the desire not to go back to square one. I am finding that this forum is a big help for 2 reasons:

1. I am a little competitive by nature, and I immediately feel the desire to equal or better anyone on here who already has an enviable day count. I know it sounds petty, but I take motivation where I can find it. Another way to look at is "If those guys can do it, I can too."

2. Reading posts about other people's struggles and relapses makes me more certain I do not want to relapse again. The overwhelming evidence, from my own experiences and what I read in nearly every case like mine, is that it leaves people feeling depressed and unproductive. I need that shit out of my life now.

Thank you too, iwanttobeagoodman, what you say about the laptop is true. It was always my biggest fear that my wife and kids would one day go through my computer after I died and find all my porn. I know that would have to change their opinion of me. I know it would if I found that out about my dad. So I, like you, am determined to keep this one clean. I am not creating any hidden folders or drives, I am not deleting my search history and I am not clearing my cache. If I die unexpectedly I want the people I love, and who love me, to know me as that, and not as a closet porn-addict.

This forum is great. I was just considering taking a little peak at one of my fave pornsites, just to see if there has been any interesting updates (and I absolutely know this would be a fatal error, yet my brain still had me 3 quarters convinced it was not a bad idea). But your support, and the opportunity for me to reaffirm why I am doing this has shoved that demon back into its box for now.

Thanks for the support

and yay for day 30!

 

[Moth-head]

My previous message has got me thinking about my secret life porn had me create. I wonder what other people have done to split their porn selves from their real selves?

I did the following:

- multiple fake email accounts for signing up to websites that require that sort of thing.

- A program that enables me to hide files and folder on my drive, which can only be opened with a password. This was the mist fucked up thing for me with porn. I was a collector, sometimes amassing hundreds of GB of pics and vids, but I never looked at it. I just looked for more, new stuff, and then stored it. Every once in a while I would delete it all in a fury of bravado that I was quitting porn for good. Then, a few days later, I would start collecting again. It was creepy and I did not connect it with the person I consider myself to be. Worst of all, it became as more about the collecting of rare, new or enticing images as it was about ejaculation. I spent hours looking and downloading, selecting and cataloging. I placed my porn into folder and subfolders. I was more organised with my porn than I was with my own finances.

- A program for downloading multiple images simultaneously. Often I would only open one or two pictures in a gallery and then just select the whole thing and download it. I would then probably never look at that gallery again, but I just had to have it. I also had to have a downloader that could circumvent the ads and pop-ups of imagehosting sites. And, when that failed, I would have to open and download each separate image in a gallery, even if it took hours.

- A program to rip vidoes off tube sites. Most of the time I only wanted to watch the last few minutes of a porn video, leading up to the ejaculation, so I would skip to that part and then rip only that section.

- A 64GB locked flash drive. This was an attempt to move my porn off my laptop. Unfortunately 64GB was not enough space and, fortunately now that I look back, I lost it pretty quickly. There is possibly a porn loaded flash drive somewhere in my house. Luckily it is encrypted, but I hope I do not find it, I might be tempted to review what was on there.

- Set my browser to never store history or cache temp items. I would also clear my cache regularly. I never like incognito or private browsing, because I wanted some history, at least for as long as the browser was open, so that I could revisit websites easily later on.

There were many other things I tried and used over the years, but that was my basic toolkit.

Thinking about it now, I wonder how the porn industry makes any money at all. I am no hacker, but I always found it very easy to find ways of getting the pics or videos I wanted for free. That was what made porn so dangerous for me. I am not willing to pay the crazy monthly subscriptions most sites charge. Maybe if the porn industry could keep a tighter grip on its content I might not have gotten quite so comfortable with porn in my life

 

[Moth-head]

Day 32

Coasting this side. I am away from home on a little vacation with the family.  A week without high speed internet (just mobile data). So that means porn is mostly off the table for now. It is amazing how, when you remove the immediate temptation, how much easier it gets. I am not feeling the pressure to look at porn I felt a couple of days ago.

Going to this break for some much needed relaxation time and as a way to easily rack up some no porn days.

 

[JasonGuitar]

I always found it funny too how when the ability to look at porn is removed, it just isn't that big of a deal. I have had plenty of weeks where I was on vacation, or my wife was off work when I just didn't have the opportunity or access for a week or more, and I don't remember ever really even noticing.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 36

You said it, JG. Just had a very easy time staying off the porn. I was away from home, with no high-speed internet and very busy kids to keep busy. Can't say I spent even a few seconds thinking about porn, I was sad it had to end.

I am back in a good space regarding my reboot. Temptation has been way down and I have been enjoying being more affectionate with my wife without it necessarily being sexual, or else feeling frustrated when it does not turn into sex. Part of the problem of watching porn is you see people, often the same people, having sex all the time and you begin to think your life should be like that. I am not sure anyone's life is like that, even less so people that are in happy committed relationships.

On a stranger note, I was thinking that non-fappers or fapstronauts, or whatever, should have a better way of marking their progress. I am proud of my achievement, and I want to wear it like a badge of honor. I mean that quite literally. I think there should be some kind of recognition attribution for days earned, so I made one up. It looks like this:



You award yourself an atta-boy for each milestone you achieve, and then you change your signature to include your accomplishments.

Mine would look like this:



Unfortunately you have to follow the links to view them, but you get the general idea.

Look at al the free time I now have without porn in my life! I can make random logos that srve no purpose other than my own personal interest  ;D

 

[Moth-head]

Day 37

Nothing to report but a good period in my reboot. I know there are some storms ahead, but for now I am enjoying the smooth sailing while I can.

The last of my in-laws is finally leaving my house tomorrow. We can finally move our kids back into their own bedrooms and have our own bedroom back to ourselves. That will be a big relief.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 39

Mostly good. Some temptation here and there. I slipped up slightly. One of the art sites I belong to often shows suggested links to the work of other artists, including photographers. I foolishly clicked on a pic of a very attractive naked woman and went into a mini porn spiral, but I managed to pull out in time. There was no fapping though, so I think it was okay. I was also happy that I was able to pull out of it so quickly. Keeping a day count and being reluctant to go all the way back to day zero is a big help. The thought of starting again seems exhausting/

The good news is that I am finding it harder an harder to keep my hands off my wife. That was always easy to manage, while I had the porn to fall back on. I find it hard to initiate sexual encounters, I take rejection harder than I think she realises, so I usually leave it up to her. At the moment, with her still in recovery from an operation, and two very busy children, sex is kind of off the table, but I am enjoying showing her my affection, and she is starting to finally talk more about creating some special time for us, as soon as she is fully recovered.

For the first time in a very long time I started to get aroused in the bath and I found the thoughts that flooded my mind and, erm, other parts of my body, were of her getting dressed, and not of a porn scene I had watched previously. I was very happy about that.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 43

Still going on my streak. I had one MO, but it was a strange one. I have mentioned in previous posts about having bouts of extreme arousal at night. I had one of these a couple of nights ago where I was a gentle gust of wind away from a wet dream. my mind was barraging me with highlights form my favorite scenes. I felt like I was losing my mind I was so horny. In the end I switched my mind over to images of my naked wife, and climaxed with just one finger while she lay asleep in bed beside me. Not my proudest moment, but I am happy I did not fall into my old reflex of slipping downstairs to my laptop and finishing off to porn.

I am still regarding myself as on a streak, however, because my deal with my reboot was to avoid all PMO. I have not looked at, or touched myself while looking at porn. That is the real victory I want to achieve here. I am not totally adverse to masturbation, I do believe it is a pretty natural thing to do, but to do it in excess, or to only be able to do it with the aid of porn is what makes it the behavior of an addict. It has relieved some of the pressure I have been feeling lately and I cannot say that it won't happen again. I can live with that, provided I do not go back to porn. It is the hours of edging to porn I want to cut from my life. When my wife if fully recovered I hope the masturbation will be less of an inclination.

 

[JasonGuitar]

I have been thinking a lot lately about the implications of MO without porn or any digital stimuli. I find my wife very sexy and seeing her changing or getting in or out of the shower is enough to get me aroused these days (after about a month off of PMO). If I were going to MO, I would do it while looking at or thinking about her, as she is what really gets me going these days since I have shut everything else out. And I tend to agree that masturbation is a fairly natural thing for men to do, I think it is the tie to the digital realm and porn that is really the problem.

I am just not sure at what point one can incorporate MO back into their life, without porn. For me, the answer right now is never. However I almost begin to think that a MO while thinking about my wife may clear my head enough to ensure I don't slip back into old habits with porn and internet stuff.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 44

I think you are right Jason Guitar. I am happy that this has not been a slip back into internet porn,and it meets with my own personal criteria for keeping clean of porn. For me the goal here is to never visit another porn site again and, even more so, never spend time fapping to porn. I am okay with old fashioned MO. I think it is possible to manage that in a healthy way without the debilitating effects of porn addiction. I fear that a complete withdrawal from all self-stimulation will be more likely to send me back to a porn binge. I do not want to become a monk, I want to realign my libido with less destructive and time absorbing practices.

Tomorrow I am halfway to my next big goal, 90 days. It is good to keep a target in mind, I have found so far, so that is what I have my sites set on.

It reminds me of this game I play sometimes call Don't Starve. It is a lot like rebooting. The game is really hard in the beginning because death is pretty much final, and you have to start the game from scratch each time you die. Once you figure out the strategies though it gets a bit easier to survive. It is still pretty tricky, and you can lose everything you have built and worked towards in one stupid mistake or piece of bad luck. The further you get into the game though, the more devastating it is when you die, because you have invested so much time into it. I am feeling that way about my reboot now, and I am very reluctant to "die" now that I have racked up a good streak. I hope this pressure continues as the days build.

 

[JasonGuitar]

I agree 100%. Every additional day I have PMO free makes me want to stick to it to not give up on all the progress I've made so far. It just isn't worth it to start all over. And I know I will immediately regret it as soon as that 'rush' is over.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 50

I have been in a good period lately. While I have been somewhat stressed (Sick kids, some financial woes and a hectic time a work) I have not been feeling a strong pull towards porn. It is nice to think, now that I look back, that it has been far less on my mind than I have experienced for a very long time.

I have been channeling my time and energy into some more productive work. I have been spending lots of time with the family, and I have been progressing satisfactorily on a personal project I am hoping to finally complete one day.

Not having porn in my life, I thought, would give me a lot more time, but I have found that I still have diverted quite a lot of time into non-productive things (watching TV, playing games, drawing stuff that doesn't make me any money). But that is okay, it is keeping me off the porn, and I hope that I can slowly replace it with something more productive later. If not, then at least it is less destructive than the porn.

I am feeling really happy with my progress at the moment, and day 50 feels like a pretty good achievement right now. I am looking forward to many more.

For anyone who reads this and is struggling themselves, remember that even when times are really tough, you can get through them if you are patient, and there are happy times that lay ahead.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 51

In a really good space in my battle against porn. For once I feel like I have the upper hand. I know there are challenging times ahead and more potential for slips and relapses, but for now it is a wonderful feeling to have the weight off my mind. It has made all the past few months of bludgeoning my way through heavy days worth it. It is the feeling I have been waiting for. I hope I can ride this little high for a while, I am feeling really productive.