The summer of a dormouse

[Moth-head]

DAY 54

Still having a good run. Looking back I can see that porn has dropped way back in my mind of late. In fact, it is only coming here that really makes me think about it. I am aware this is a temporary state of affairs, but it is very nice to have this feeling, my urge to look at porn is at an all time low. I am almost beginning to feel what it must be like for people out there who are not addicted to porn, it certainly frees up a significant portion of your time and mindspace.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 70

Ben crushing it lately. This has been down to 2 factors:

1 My nagging to look at porn is way down. Pushing through the tough times with the reboot is so worth it. Things have been so much easier since I powered over the really steep and long hump around day 30. I definitely feel a lot more confident I can maintain this indefinitely.

2 My ISP suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks! I have been without a line or internet collection for nearly 3 weeks now and my provider seems to have no interest in fixing the situation. Pisses me off that I have no internet connectivity but, on the bright side, I have absolutely zero opportunities to look at porn now that I have deleted my stash. Maybe my ISP knows about my struggle and they are doing me a favor. Then again, maybe they are just the worst and I need to move to someone new.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 77

Feeling great. Anyone reading this who is struggling to get through the early stages: Hang in there It definitely does get easier! I still think about porn and still feel some temptation to look at it, but it has a far weaker grip on my life now. At the moment I can easily brush those cravings aside and do something more meaningful with my time. Doing more constructive things makes me feel better about myself and that, in turn, makes me less likely to go back to porn. For once the self-perpetuating cycle is working in my favor.

You have to get through the hard times literally an hour at a time if you have to. Minute by minute even. But if you can break that cycle the battle get easier and easier. I feel so pumped that I have been on such a long streak after over 20 years of porn addiction. I just wish I could have started this earlier and had the balls to fight through the really rocky first few months.

 

[Georgos]

Hi moth-head, have you ever thought of teaching art? I've signed up to teach mathematics voluntarily at a recovery college for the mentally ill, but get this, this is how crazy the nurses are, they said "we want you to teach astrology!", what do I know about astrology FFS??!

 

[Moth-head]

Day 96

Thanks for the suggestion Georgos, I have thought about it and I do it from time to time. It is fun, but I still need to do my own artwork. I have been channeling it a lot more productively though, into projects I would not be horrified if my wife or mother found them on my PC, and I am happy to say I have not missed the erotic art much at all. I felt I needed it to help motivate me to draw, but I actually draw a lot more now because I do not have the "research sessions" that inevitably devolve into a fap session.

My porn desires are way down and it is way easier to fight my urges. I find I hardly think about it at all now. I am so pleased that this reboot has had the effect on me I wanted so badly. The porn monster still lurk in around me somewhere, but it is small and I feel like now I easily step on it when it rears its ugly little head.

Keep strong all you fresh-starters! It is so worth it to push through to this stage, you really gain so much of yourself back. Best of all you get the ego-boost and self-satisfaction of knowing you had the will power to shrug off the heavy burden porn is on your life.

Only 4 days away from 100 days without porn!

 

[Moth-head]

Day 97

I have been sans internet for weeks now because my ISP is the worst. But it is finally up and running again. I had some pretty big moments over the past few weeks that I am very proud of. I was sorely tested and I came out on top each time, which has helped to boost my confidence.

Incident 1.

I was left at home alone, no wife and kids, for the first time in a very long time 5 or 6 weeks ago. For old me the sound of the front door being closed as my wife left the house would have pretty much sent me straight into a porn spiral. But I managed a whole afternoon on my own without incident. A first in a very long time.

Incident 2

Once, when I was ordering some hardware for my PC, I included a 64GB flashdrive in the purchase with the intention of using it as a porn stash. Which I did, I loaded it nearly full with all my favourite videos and then encrypted it. Every now and again I would revisit it when I needed a climax. It was my little treasure trove. Then, I lost it about 6 months ago. I was pretty broken up about it at the time, partly because I was worried someone else would find it (Although, I knew it was pretty well encrypted) but mostly just because it represented a huge investment of time and effort on my part to collect and stash all that porn and, like I said, it was all my favourite scenes. Well, a few weeks ago, the flash drive turned up again. It had slipped into a tear in the lining of my laptop bag. I pulled it out and then faced a serious dilemma. As I said, it represented days of collecting and refining porn material. It was also my backup, in case I decided to "take a break" from this reboot thing. I managed to beat down the nagging voices in my head and proceeded to format the drive and give it to my wife to store whatever TV series she is currently watching on. It was hard at the time, but it makes me feel really good when I think about it now.

Incident 3

In a similar vein to the second incident, I had a desktop computer that I had to put into storage for a while. Then, a few weeks ago, I had to get some files off it and set it up and copied the files across onto a portable drive. While I was doing this I decided to clean the computer up. This was my main PC for years, and had a huge, huge database of porn stashed on it. I tried to scan the porn folder it for size, but gave up after it went well past the 100GB mark. I had to open the folder to get one or two things out of there that were not porn, and was faced with thousands of folders I had created for the pics I kept there (I was obsessed with collecting porn pictures, it was basically my only hobby for 20 years). I even felt that familiar excitement I used to get when I though about diving deep into a porn binge. It hurt more than I thought it would to delete that folder, it represented countless hours of my existence, but I did it.

I am now completely porn-stash free. All my old folders are gone, my porn-stash harddrives have been formatted and re-purposed for clean stuff and my new laptop remains, to this day, untainted.

It was difficult each time, but the rewards after the fact have been great, and it has really boosted my self-confidence and will-power.

The one thing I have learned from previous failed attempts is that f you keep any kind of "back-up" stash, just for emergencies or whatever, you will always eventually go back to it and then the porn spiral will start all over again. A clean break is the only way.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 102!

Into the triple figures. Another milestone reached.

So, the wife and I finally managed to get it on in the bedroom. She has recovered mostly from her surgery and the kids gave us a very small window of opportunity, which we took. I was very happy that all my expectations were fulfilled. First of all, the ED was gone and I maintained a rock hard erection all through. No limp noodles were present.

Best of all, I was able enjoy being with my wife, and did not spend the whole time flicking through the pron highlights package I have stored in my brain. I was present in the moment and enjoyed it infinitely more. It is a relief to know that it was not my body failing me in the bedroom, but rather the PA holding me back.

If anyone else out there has had these problem, I can vouch for the reboot, it can definitely bring the mojo back.

 

[Andy9120]

Thank you for this mate.  Its inspiring to read about your 100 days.

I am on day 20 and to be honest was wondering if and when or ever my ED was going to disapear.  My erection is feeling stronger after 10 days and day to day I feel much more engaged.  My relationship is stronger.  But I was hoping that it would improve further.

Reading your story gives me hope.  Thank you.

 

[Moth-head]

Thanks Andy.

Keep going, man. It definitely gets easier and far better if you can get through the difficult early stages.


Day 117

All good. Some temptation, but it was to be expected given that I am going through a very stressful work period. I have, for the first time in a while, begun to think about peeking at my old porn haunts. I have remained strong through and I can see the end of tunnel now with work.

The wife and I are now back to a routine in the bedroom. With the kids around and tiring us out it is probably not as frequent as I would like. Before my reboot I would have used that as a self justification for visiting porn sites, but I am not doing that this time. I am resorting to the odd MO, but I can't say that it is making me want to go back to porn. Not sure if it would work for anyone else,but I am finding that if I knock one out when I feel especially horny, then I am less likely to start making up excuses to resort to porn. It might not be textbook, but it is the system that is working for me and, as long as I keep away from the sites, I am happy with my progress.

The good news is is that things in the bedroom have been incredible since we started up again. I can maintain an erection easily and my sensitivity is way up. Sex is so much better ow because I can relax and actually try to slow things down. I no longer feel like I am trying to race to the finish line before my hard-on dies. I am really trying to prolong it now, which is actually hard to do now with the increased sensitivity.

I have been married quite a few years now, but I have been enjoying the sex more than I could remember. Even more than honeymoon sex because, sadly, even then I was a PA.

If you're married or in a relationship and struggling to stay motivated, keep this in mind. Nothing beats real sex, undiluted by porn. It is worth the fight and the wait.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 119

That's nearly 4 months clean of Porn. My next goal is to reach 6 months. Still fighting some temptation to go back and take a look at to some porn, which is annoying after having it easy for quite a few weeks. Going to keep denying those urges though. I got through way worse in the beginning, I can definitely do this now. My stressful work period is nearly over, so I hope sailing gets smoother after that.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 120

Had a couple of close calls over the last couple of days.

The first was a job offer I had to do an erotic drawing for an old client. He was offering good money, but I knew his stuff was pretty NSFW, so I told him I was only taking on jobs that were not sexual. It was tempting, because I could convince myself it was only for a job, but I know that I have to get reference pics for these types of drawings and those pics have, in the past, always come from porn. my drawing sessions were very often accompanied, if not over taken by, extended porn sessions. In the end I turned the job down. Client was not happy, but I think I saved myself from a big pitfall.

The second was some research I am doing for a story I am writing. It involves some risque films made in the 1920s. I wanted to do a little research to see the kind of thing they had in those films. I was expecting flapper girls, possibly in their underwear. Who knew they made porn in the 1920s? It also took me onto a porn site with loads of links to other videos. I canned the thumbnails, but got out of there pretty quickly.

I feel guilty that I ended up on a porn site, and part of me knows that when I clicked the link I was probably going to end up on said porn site. I am happy I was able to shut it down though before any PMO was attempted.

Apparently I am not to be trusted at the moment, so I am entering a state of heightened vigilance.

Until next time...

 

[Moth-head]

Day 135

Just a quick check in to say I fought through the tough times. Once the stressed dropped away the urges mostly went with it. It also helped to get away for a while and have a break somewhere with limited internet access. Now that I am back ad rested, I seem to be having some smooth sailing again. Really eager to reach my 6 month goal now!

 

[Moth-head]

Day 140

Entered some dangerous territory. Had to do some research of figure poses for an art commission I was working on. Found my way back into a porn site and got blasted with some very graphic pop ups. the good news is I managed to ignore the pop ups and the urge to fap. I did a bit longer than I would have liked getting the reference pics though, and I will have to reconsider that kind of work. I thought it would be okay because it involved only implied nudes. Unfortunately there is not a lot of gray area on the Internet between what might go in a sports illustrated swimwear edition and would make even a hardened pornstar go a bit weak at the knees. I have to remember that.

Anyway, the upside is there was no edging or PMO and I got out of there and have not gone back. I am rededicating myself to projects that do not require me to draw scantily clad women, even though that is a genre I particularly enjoy working in, and has proven to be one of my most lucrative over the years.

I had an old client write to me the other day to ask me to do the kind of work I used to do and I had to turn him down because, as I explained, It would require me to do some research on porn sites to draw the right poses, etc. He was pretty pissed off and it was hard to turn down a paying job, but I feel stronger that I did it. He was unwilling to hire me to draw something less sexual and I am pretty certain I have lost a client. I have been trying to adjust my output, but I am not attracting as many clients as I did when I was drawing more explicit stuff. Hopefully this changes, or else I can develop a new outlet for my talents, because it is really nice to get paid for work I enjoy doing anyway.

 

[Moth-head]

Day 143

I just want to reiterate, for anyone out there still having doubts. Sex post reboot is infinitely better.

The times I have been having sex with the wife have been so much better. No ED and no DE.

Last night the wife was on top, which is something I have had problems with in the past due to not being able to maintain an solid erection throughout/ This time it was incredible, definitely one of the best sexual experiences of my life. Great to know I don;t have to be stuck with missionary my whole life just because it was the only was I could keep a decent hard on.

And, I have said it before, it is way more intense when you are actually present and not flicking through your porn highlights reel looking to speed up your DE. It makes sex fun again.

Wishing all of you rebooters similar success.

 

[Moth-head]

DAY 154

Been having a good run, porn-wise. Temptation has been low and I have avoided silly online tricks that can start me on the porn track. Sex with the wife is still great, and while the frequency is not as high as I would like (but what married man cannot say that?) it is infinitely better than my porn addiction days. I feel like I can properly lose myself in the act, and not just try to imagine other people doing what I am actually doing.

The best discovery I made was a free 3D modelling app I stumbled across. I have mentioned before that I make extra money doing NSFW art commissions. I need reference material to draw my pics and, in the past, this has always come from porn. It was usually soft porn, but that always started the porn-spiral.

Now, with the 3D modelling tools I can create reference figures exactly how I want and, best of all, I do not have to go perusing porn sites looking for reference pics. It means I can still earn a bit of extra income, do something I actually enjoy doing, and remove the porn from the equation. It has been a huge revelation for me.

Can't believe I am approaching nearly 6 months without a PMO. This crushes any previous attempt by months. Determined to make it to a year so that I can move over to the "Success story" side of the board and stay there. I have been inspired by the achievements of so many who have beaten this thing, I really hope I can do the same for someone else one day.

 

[Moth-head]

DAY 173

Had a really stressful last couple of weeks. I have no doubt that is my porn trigger, because the desire to go back has been increasing. Hoping now that the work stress is less the pressure will be less. Still I made it through without a PMO or visiting any pornsites and I am a week away from my 180 day goal!

 

[Moth-head]

6 MONTHS!

If you asked me 6 months ago if I thought I could go 6 months without a PMO I would have called you crazy. It has not been an easy ride, but it has been totally worth it.

Things I know have changed for the better:

1. Sex life - can't even be compared to my PA days. A dick that stays hard and that I have some control over when I reach my climax is almost like finding you have had hidden superpowers all along. Sure, after 7 years of marriage and 2 young kids we probably don't get down to it as much as I would like, but when we do it is the best either of us has had.

2. Productivity - I have been getting more work done on personal projects, and one of my passion projects is nearing completion now, for the first time ever. This is despite a crazy workload and 2 young kids who demand a lot of time.

3. Self-worth - I no longer have to feel depressed about the hours I waste fapping every night when I should be doing productive stuff. I no longer feel like I am cheating on my wife in some way and I no longer have to worry about my family going through my pc if I should happen to die in a freak accident and discovering my secret life.

I am sure there are more, but I cannot think of them for now.

It has been a great feeling to come so far and feel the benefits. I really hope that those of you out there still struggling in the early stages can stick it out and get to this point. Stay strong

 

[imaquitter]

Great achievement! I can relate to a lot in your journal. I didn't use porn so much and I have doubted I'll ever be clean. Your history really encourages me!

 

[Moth-head]

Thanks imaquitter. I am glad I can offer someone else a little encouragement. Now at 7 months, I am starting to feel like I am succeeding and I hope others can get as far as me and even further, it is a great place to be, and it definitely gets easier the longer you hang in there. There is always the chance of a momentary temptation, which could lead to a slip that can ruin everything, but those get fewer and further apart with time.

7 Months

Past the seven month mark and heading for 8. Mostly been good. I have found myself tempted to "glance" at things I shouldn't, but I have still not had a PMO. Sometimes when I visit movie download sites I see the porn movies mixed in with the regular ones. I have clicked on links to the porn ones, to check out the covers, but only for the ones with really weird Japanese titles like: "Locked out house goo boobs with stepbrother love me," or some shit like that. It has not tempted me into a PMO and I have gotten out of there pretty fast.

Porn is not on my mind as much, although I still do some erotic art (Nothing hardcore, just nudes and pinup) but I have found ways of doing it without looking at pictures of real nude women.

I do have the occasional MO, but nowhere near as often as I used to, and I make it quick and make sure I do not do it directly after seeing anything particulalry exciting on TV or on my PC. I never wanted to do Hardmode, and this system is working for me.

Sex with the wife is at an all time high, and even she has been noticing the difference. She has been asking me if I have been reading books or something, I can't tell her that its really just because I am now fully engaged in sex with her and not surfing porn in my mind. It is by far the best it has ever been, which is pretty awesome considering we are 7 years and 2 kids in.

I completed a major milestone in my personal project, one that porn use has blocked for the last 20 or so years, so I a very pleased about that. I also had one of my best periods of work recently, largely in part to me not procrastinating over porn and getting the work I needed to get done, completed to the best of my ability. Some of my colleagues even noted the way I have stepped up.

It can be hard to remember why I am staying away from porn, but it is things like what I have mentioned above, that help me to stay focused and remain on track. I know that the dreams I still have cannot be reached with porn constantly taking the wheel. It is a long road still, and it can be discouraging that the improvements I see are often small and far apart, but I like where I am taking myself. A lot of the outside influences in my life are what I find discouraging, and seem determined to push me back into porn use, but my personal motivation remains positive.

Stay strong.

 

[Moth-head]

Okay, have not been posting regularly because things have been going so well and I have not felt that I need it. But now I felt I need a little preemptive reminder of how far I have come to avoid an all-fall-down. I was cruising a download site a little while ago, looking for an old movie I wanted to see, and I saw a post for a newly released porn scene at the top of the download picks. It contains a porn star I am really attracted to doing a type of porn I was really into. I can't get it out of my head, it is really clawing at my mind right now. I very very nearly clicked on the download just to see some screen shots, because, hey, I can handle a few screen shots, can't I? But I know that if it gets me excited I might not be able to resist the download just to watch the scene, seeing I have been so good for nearly 8 months. That's how the Porn gets you. I did not check it out, but I can't stop thinking about it.

So, instead, I came back here and I am posting on my journal to remind myself that I do not want to go back down that road. I definitely do not want to go back to Day 0 again. It sucks that after such a long time just one little temptation can threaten to destroy everything, but I guess that is the nature of addiction, and why people find it so hard to ever be free of it.

I am accountable to myself, and now I am accountable to you all too. I won't backslide today.