REBOOT

[DIMA-NBA]

This the first time I am actually journaling so here it goes. Reading time : 3 minutes
My background of porn use is the following:
I started MO ( masturbation) when I was 10 years old, initially it was without P, but shortly after I started visiting adult websites. After about 10 years of heavy P use I found out about NF (nofap).
I found about ED (erectile dysfunction) the hard way. With my first partner.
The first times I have tried it I could do only a week or so without it.
Anyway, I started making notes of my progress the summer of 2017.
Nothing fancy, just how many days I have abstained.
Later on, I started adding more details - on what material I relapsed(P/Facebook/Instagram etc.)
Then I lasted for 40 days - my longest streak at the time.
It was great, I felt alive, active, being able to connect with people more.
I even got a casual ''friends with benefits'' relationship with a 25yo girl which was fucking amazing.
DAY 5 During our first date my friend was ecstatic and ready. Later on, when it was time for sex he wasnt solid. My girl was understanding and I didn't force it, trusting the process that it is going to get better.
DAY 10-35 The sex got better each time, my erections were solid and it was like I was living a dream. Beautiful girl, beautiful relationships. I will admit however I got needy a few times because I was craving sex (URGES) and the girl was unavailable. Things were going great since I was on a loong vacation in my hometown -5 Weeks. I had no work so I was spending a lot of time with my family, friends and I was always busy. My workouts in the gym were going very well. I was being very social.
Also I had a lot of time to reflect and decided to quit my job and find a better option, as well as plan out my goals. I made the decision to cut some toxic people from my life. *CLEAR THINKING*
DAY 35-40 The vacation was over so got back to my regular schedule : working long hours however when I went out I felt like I was living the dream. My interactions with girls were getting better and I wasn't afraid to take risks.
OCTOBER: I wasn't doing great with no fap - longest streak was under 2 weeks : I had very stressful situations at work along with other personal problems I will not discuss here.
MID OCTOBER - NOVEMBER: 34DAY STREAK - (Longest  without sex) Interestingly enough those personal problems that I was facing forced me to become
a better version of myself and I managed to do 34 days. I had a few kisses with girls at a club but nothing serious. During that time I started looking into sexual energy cultivation and the power of it. A lot of great men in history(Mike Tyson, Friedrich Nietzsche, Muhhamed Ali, Terry Crews) have abstained from sex/porn/masturbation in order to get their creative force (it might sound a bit woo-woo but I am yet to get to that stage and I believe its worth at least to try.). I made good progress in work and in the gym.
DECEMBER: It was pretty shit I didnt have a streak longer than 5 days. Mainly work along with more personal problems. Mildly depressed. Started meditating daily which really helped me not to react impulsively.
2018 JANUARY-FEBRUARY: I had two noteable streaks: 24 and 29 days. I started writing down ideas on dealing with urges : going for a walk, reading, etc.
MARCH: I wasn't social at all. I was working rotating shifts including nights so I felt like shit, longest streak was a week, however I was getting closer to reaching my financial goal and I was still going to the gym. The good thing is I actually met someone who was on nofap. He has been doing it for multiple years and his longest streak was 60days. That was great to hear, we were supporting each other.
APRIL-MAY I had a few streaks longest one was 26 days. What was different this time is that after the relapse I was able to forgive myself and at the same time not to go into a downward spiral of masturbation the next week. I was like okay time for the next long streak. I finally realised P is an addiction of mine and decided to get Gary Wilson's book Your Brain on Porn as it was highly recommended. I also reached my financial goal which I set for myself back in October - it felt really good.
Also I started taking notes every day - just small chores I have to do or any tasks - it makes my day more organised and I find I am more productive this way.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-05-30 Day 24: The days have been much more productive compared to when I regularly used pornography. Also, I nearly finished Gary Wilson's book: Your Brain On Porn and I highly reccommend it to anyone trying to beat this addiction. What I appreciate in his book is the multiple examples he gives on how each person might be affected by porn and how different methods work for different people. The way I see it: In his book he gives me the tools and multiple options in which people have already beaten the addiction. I am free to choose any of the methods and I am free to experiment. So far reading, training and long walks have been able to keep my mind occupied. I would say the benefits I am experiencing so far are better workouts, increased awareness, assurance, decision-making, deeper and stronger connection with my family. Weight loss has been going well. It wasn't all great though. I had a few instances where I felt something like a panic attack out of nowhere - I don't remember ever having a panic attack in my life.. I guess after quitting everything gets magnified for me: When I am feeling well, I am feeling really well, when I feel kind of down, it can become depressing. In his book, Gary Wilson mentioned some porn addicts after quitting, experience a greater depth of emotions.Before that they have been numbed by pornography - becoming ''zombie-like'' according to him. I believe I have to continue regardless of how amazing/great/sad/depressed I feel.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-06-01 Day 26: Last week I started using an app called Duolingo as I wanted to sharpen my language skills. Have been using it for 5 days in a row and I can see the improvements. I found the app thanks to another app called Reboot. These apps have been really helpful man, we live in such a tech-savvy world, got to make the most out of it.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-06-08 Day 33: Dealing with this addiction has really helped me in other areas of my life. It helped me get my shit together, I started being able to accomplish more each day. I also started improving my foreign languages.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-06-17 DAY 41:''Small Victories Add up'': There were definitely challenges the last few weeks. I had this crazy urge one day. I was laying in my bed, having procastinated for a few hours, I was feeling kind of down and I was scrolling through pics on Instagram that my friend has liked. Of course it wasn't long before I saw a photo of an attractive girl. Usually in the past, I would ignore it, as I have quit porn over a month ago, but this time I was bored. I clicked on the photo, then the profile of the attractive female. I was scrolling through her posts started watching a quite stimulating video. I felt the strong urge but this time I was like NO! I got up from the bed, threw my phone on the bed and I dropped on the floor for my self-prescribed push ups for dealing with my urges. Did 20 push ups. Put some food in the microwave as I wanted to distract myself because I felt that if I grab my phone again, I would end up relapsing. I had some food, the urge passed, I won that battle.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-07-13 DAY 68: I have been mostly working these days, doing good work, also been really busy so I didn't have any urges recently as I am very mindful of avoiding potential triggers. It was going well until yesterday.
I got home around 7am after a night shift, on 3 hours of sleep, stressed from work, VERY TIRED and instead of taking a shower and going to bed like I usually do, I went on Instagram, started scrolling, LOOKING for something that would cause arrousal. I spent like 20 minutes just looking at different provocative photos. I obviously felt the urge to masturbate.I thought about calling my accountability partner, but at one point I asked myself the question: What time is it? Look at the clock, you should be sleeping, this is an illusion. What you see on the screen is not what real intimacy is supposed to be. I put the phone down and was able to abstain.
It was good that I caught myself and stopped before the point of no return, but it shouldn't have come to this anyway. Relying solely on will power is not going to be optimal for me in the long run. I have noticed that when I am bored or very tired or sick I am most susceptible to relapsing. These are the times I should be on alert and writing them down like this helps me be more accountable and take the narrow road. I am very thankful for this community.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-07-31 DAY 84: I had worked hard and made progress on my goals. I went on a well deserved 3 week holiday back to my home country. I had lost weight and people took notice, congratulating me. I went to a seaside resort with a big group of people. It was great, we had lots of fun, met a lot of new people, including a few girls.

I met a girl who was visiting the city with her friend and had good connection with her, great vibes and we had sex, it was great. She was on a organised Eurotrip, so we couldn't meet again.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-08-02 DAY 86:
After my recent sexual adventure, I felt urges to masturbate and I gave in. The difference this time was that I didn't watch pornography, I used my imagination and thought of my past sexual experiences instead.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-08-04 DAY 88:
As I was on holiday I allowed myself to have more fun and long story short I met a new girl and we had sex at her place. The best sex I've had so far. Super passionate, beautiful girl, amazing. We did 4 rounds of that and it was like I was living the dream.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-08-08 DAY 92:
After my recent sexual encounters, I was feeling very horny and felt strong urges. I gave in however I masturbated without pornography, I just thought of my recent experiences and used my fantasy.
I also reached my goal of 90 days without porn which was huge for me.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-08-16 DAY 100:
I got home after the nice holiday, got back into my routine, feeling good.
Although I didn't watch pornography I started masturbating more often (still using only my imagination).

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-08-23 DAY 107:
I was getting really stressed out at work and I started masturbating(relying only on fantasy - no porn)  more frequently than I would have liked.
I relapsed and masturbated to porn on day 107..

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-10-19
Long story short, the past couple of months I haven't been my best self. I relapsed again and again with the longest streak being a week.
I also improvised with the option of cutting out porn but allowing myself to masturbate thinking about past experiences. I wasn't successful because after a few days I would end up masturbating to photos of the girls I've been with, then videos online and then pornography again.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-10-20 0/90
I have been on a diet for the last few months. It weird how I tried to rationalise using pornography: I was convincing myself that dieting would be too stressful and that I would fail on my diet if I didin't watch porn. Obviously that's bullshit.
Sometimes it feels like I have two different people making the choices for me - the rational, right voice and the voice of the addict.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2018-12
I was getting off track, the new job was very stressful door 2 door sales position, porn usage was high and I rationalised that it wouldn't have an effect on me. A few months ago, I had moved in a new, bigger town and I knew 0 people there. Working long hours, I didn't have the energy or skillset to meet new friends.

The good thing was that in November I started going to a MMA/Kickboxing gym as my attempt to meet some new people whilst also learning about self-defense. I'm glad I did that.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2019-01
I went to my hometown for Christmas and New Year's Eve. I was happy to see my family but I felt sad because I felt like I didn't have someone I can count on. Good thing I met up with some mates and they listened to me, encouraged me and gave me a contact to a friend of theirs who is going to move to the same town I live in. I'm an immigrant in the UK, moved 3 years ago.

In early January I learned that our company was downsizing and I had to find another job. Luckily I had a contract and they paid me redundancy so I was at home till mid February getting paid for doing nothing.

Late January I had reached rock bottom. It was crazy how just a few months ago I was crushing it at life, reaching my fitness goals, meditating, sleeping with beautiful women, staying off porn and how now I was spending most of my days on my laptop doing nothing productive, watching porn all day, feeling miserable.

I spoke with my friend who also is familiar with ''no fap''. He encouraged me to try something called No surf. The idea of No Surf is to limit the amount of time spent online, surfing the web, watching dumb videos. I could use the internet but for things like chatting with my friends, making plans to go out, or looking for jobs, studying, things like that. The last time I used porn was on 25.01.2019.

As someone who had reached rock bottom I had nothing to lose so I tried it. The first few days were the most challenging. All of a sudden I find myself alone in my room with my thoughts, my dopamine levels got back to a reasonable level.
A few days later I met the guy my friends at home had told me about. He was a positive guy we instantly clicked and he would end up being one of my closer friends.

After just a few days of ''No surf'' and not wasting my time on my devices, I find myself out in a club with my new made friend and an old mate. We had A LOT of fun, without alcohol. I danced with this beatiful girl, there was a spark but in the end we didn't hook up. It was still fun though and it was the change I needed.

So shortly after giving up the online world, I find myself having a great time surrounded by cool people. Was it a coincidence?I don't think so. It was a step in the right direction. I thanked my friend for sharing the ''Nosurf'' idea with me.

 

[DIMA-NBA]

2019-02
One month without porn. To be clear I still MO to videos online but the videos I watch are without nudity. I still have work to do with my sexual behaviour but this is a move in the right direction. Because I wasn't working, I had a lot of time aaand I jumped to food for comfort. I gained a bit of weight. But on the bright side I started working out with my mate with the intent of helping him gain muscle. I'm qualified as a gym instructor and working on my personal fitness trainer certification. So that was good experience for me and great for him as well. 

In the last week of January I met a guy who has been dealing with Porn addiction - Ray. He has stayed off porn for about 2 years. Talking with him face to face was crucual for my upcoming progress. We talkied about a lot ot sensitive topics, uncomfortable but necessary things that needed to be said. He helped me A LOT. I'm lucky to meet someone who has fought the same battle and was willing to help me out.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Every move in the right direction is progress, keep going!

I wasted a lot of time, though, telling myself that videos and stuff without nudity was okay because it wasn't porn. I guess on some level it's not as bad, but it's all the same addiction cycle that kept me hooked. I went a long time without watching "actual" porn, but I was still trapped in a pattern of bingeing on lighter stuff. For me, it has been a lot easier to stay on track when I cut out anything that's even remotely porn-like.

Keep up the fight! We'll win it together!

 

[Kraken]

Really great progress man!  I like the details in your post.  That's smart, writing it out helps you to process the thoughts. 

So shortly after giving up the online world, I find myself having a great time surrounded by cool people. Was it a coincidence?I don't think so. It was a step in the right direction. I thanked my friend for sharing the ''Nosurf'' idea with

This is a very interesting idea, I might try it!

 

[DIMA-NBA]

Every move in the right direction is progress, keep going!

I wasted a lot of time, though, telling myself that videos and stuff without nudity was okay because it wasn't porn. I guess on some level it's not as bad, but it's all the same addiction cycle that kept me hooked. I went a long time without watching "actual" porn, but I was still trapped in a pattern of bingeing on lighter stuff. For me, it has been a lot easier to stay on track when I cut out anything that's even remotely porn-like.

Keep up the fight! We'll win it together!

Thanks bro. I agree with you, I know watching and MO-ing to vids without nudity isn't ideal it feels like it's essentialy the same behaviour pattern minus the pornography. But I do think it is lighter and it is progress towards where I wanna be. How long have you been able to stay off porn versus without watching those ''non-nude'' videos? It would be interesting to hear.