2024-10
I haven't written here in a looong time, I had totally forgotten about this great place. It felt good to look back in time in my journal so that I can see what I'm capable of. Well, I was able to stay off pornography (while still mastrubating to online videos which were non-nude) for about 8-9 months in a row ( 2 more months after my previous post). Afterwards it quickly went downhill. It being 5 years ago, I don't remember details during the time 2019-2024 I haven't had much success in the fight against this addiction/dependancy, time sure does fly by. Cut to now, October 2024, I have't been able to stay off PMO even though I managed to get in a serious relationship with a girl I met on the street. I'm 26 years old now and my social skills have improved a lot (meeting girls has become easier) through years of PUA, while still being authentic.
It's highly concerning that when I was single and had no sexual outlet - no girlfriend, no friends with benefits, no one night stands, nothing for years, I used to think that if I get a girl, with who I can have sex 2 times per week, I'd be able to stay off porn. That didn't turn out to be the case, because I got a fuck buddy and I even had instances where I knew I'd see her and I'd still PMO the same day, just a couple of hours before the date.
Then, I thought if I had a serious girlfriend, I'd forget about porn, because I'd be having sex like 4-5 times a week. Same outcome, I have a serious girlfriend now, we had our 1 year anniversary this month, but no success in staying away from PMO. During the last year and a half I've had maybe 3-4 instances where I was PMO free for 2-3 weeks. That's nothing compared to where I was in summer of 2018.
Unfortunately, I have dropped most of my healthy habits - I no longer go the gym, meditate, I very rarely go on long walks. My physique has suffered a lot, I used to be fit at around 90-95 kilograms at 1.80 meters tall, but now I'm close to 130 kilograms. I want to be super transperant. This community and this journal is my outlet.
I think in the last few months I've cried more than I have in the 5 years before that. I've cried at the work toilet. I'm trying to have an objective view about this.