R
RecoveringObjectifier
Guest
Where to begin? First of all, I have been married to the same woman for 26 years. She knows I have used porn, and perhaps puts on a casual (but resigned?) front about it. She probably has an "I don't want to know" attitude about just what kinds I use.
The P habit as far as I can trace it, maybe began back in the early 90's when I was in grad school. At the time I had been married for about 5 years, and somehow discovered some of Playboy's special Lingerie issues at a newsstand store. Pretty soft core stuff. Technically I had Internet access in the grad school computer lab, but if memory serves, the web was just starting to be a 'thing' (yes, I know the Internet infrastructure certainly predates the 90's, but don't want to get too off track.)
I did have dial-up Internet at home by 1995, I'm sure, and was continuing the secretive collection of a stash for PMO sessions, now graduated from the slick air-brushed magazines hidden under the bed, to jpegs stored on floppies, lol.
It's not necessary to trace a precise evolution of how the P I collected began to escalate in intensity, but it was a slower process than for many. I have been content with pretty tame stuff for a long time. I still to this day find bukkake pretty disgusting, for instance, and it's been... +20 years.
The thing I'm most regretful and worried about is, how the habitual objectification of these women (who for whatever reason allowed themselves to be video'd and photographed) begin to spill over into habitual objectification of women I see in my daily life. I really worried that my brain had become permanently warped. I became obsessed with the idea that everyone has the same basic primal urges and drives (so that made it okay, right?!), and I remember making (obviously unfounded) sweeping generalizations and over-estimations about how much other people must secretly suffer bombardment of intrusive thoughts just like I did.
I would see so much T&A in just a month of typical P use, that sometimes I speculated things like what percentage of women I'd see in a busy downtown might have their pictures floating around cyberspace.
I would go on kicks where I'd research how to maximize jizz production. I would set small goals that I would go for x many days to see how big a load I could muster. Then I would feel pathetic and ashamed that I couldn't even go 4 days! Without thinking, I would log on to the web, check my favorite sites while drinking my coffee in the morning (wife typically slept later than me). I would experiment with makeshift cock rings from rubber bands around broccoli bunches.
Anyway, apparently I've been very lucky, in that I've only ever experienced a relatively brief chapter of ED, and that within the past year. It was coincident with a switch from a brand name SSRI for my mild anxiety disorder, to a generic. I'd never connected the anxiety to the PMO habit before, but I'm increasingly open to considering a connection. Anyway, I got my doctor switch me back to the brand name, and bingo, wood returned! So I had no awareness that porn use actually had a genuine legitimate effect on my brain chemistry. I might not have outright dismissed any such claims from others, but I would have been skeptical, to be sure.
I don't know why I needed to clear the air on that, but FWIW, there it is.
If there's a silver lining to any of this, it might be that P has actually expanded my horizons in terms of beauty in diversity appreciation, and body type acceptance (i.e., my increased use and appreciation of P that featured non-mainstream, not-typically-accepted BMI. Actually it's debatable whether these body types are not in fact mainstream, statistically).
I'm not sure I've recorded all the relevant main points of my story, but this is a start, at least.
The P habit as far as I can trace it, maybe began back in the early 90's when I was in grad school. At the time I had been married for about 5 years, and somehow discovered some of Playboy's special Lingerie issues at a newsstand store. Pretty soft core stuff. Technically I had Internet access in the grad school computer lab, but if memory serves, the web was just starting to be a 'thing' (yes, I know the Internet infrastructure certainly predates the 90's, but don't want to get too off track.)
I did have dial-up Internet at home by 1995, I'm sure, and was continuing the secretive collection of a stash for PMO sessions, now graduated from the slick air-brushed magazines hidden under the bed, to jpegs stored on floppies, lol.
It's not necessary to trace a precise evolution of how the P I collected began to escalate in intensity, but it was a slower process than for many. I have been content with pretty tame stuff for a long time. I still to this day find bukkake pretty disgusting, for instance, and it's been... +20 years.
The thing I'm most regretful and worried about is, how the habitual objectification of these women (who for whatever reason allowed themselves to be video'd and photographed) begin to spill over into habitual objectification of women I see in my daily life. I really worried that my brain had become permanently warped. I became obsessed with the idea that everyone has the same basic primal urges and drives (so that made it okay, right?!), and I remember making (obviously unfounded) sweeping generalizations and over-estimations about how much other people must secretly suffer bombardment of intrusive thoughts just like I did.
I would see so much T&A in just a month of typical P use, that sometimes I speculated things like what percentage of women I'd see in a busy downtown might have their pictures floating around cyberspace.
I would go on kicks where I'd research how to maximize jizz production. I would set small goals that I would go for x many days to see how big a load I could muster. Then I would feel pathetic and ashamed that I couldn't even go 4 days! Without thinking, I would log on to the web, check my favorite sites while drinking my coffee in the morning (wife typically slept later than me). I would experiment with makeshift cock rings from rubber bands around broccoli bunches.
Anyway, apparently I've been very lucky, in that I've only ever experienced a relatively brief chapter of ED, and that within the past year. It was coincident with a switch from a brand name SSRI for my mild anxiety disorder, to a generic. I'd never connected the anxiety to the PMO habit before, but I'm increasingly open to considering a connection. Anyway, I got my doctor switch me back to the brand name, and bingo, wood returned! So I had no awareness that porn use actually had a genuine legitimate effect on my brain chemistry. I might not have outright dismissed any such claims from others, but I would have been skeptical, to be sure.
I don't know why I needed to clear the air on that, but FWIW, there it is.
If there's a silver lining to any of this, it might be that P has actually expanded my horizons in terms of beauty in diversity appreciation, and body type acceptance (i.e., my increased use and appreciation of P that featured non-mainstream, not-typically-accepted BMI. Actually it's debatable whether these body types are not in fact mainstream, statistically).
I'm not sure I've recorded all the relevant main points of my story, but this is a start, at least.
It was not the time or place to pursue the matter, however. :-\