Lost trust

[Ak1973]

One of the hardest things I'm having to deal with right now is the lost trust of my wife, so many times I've given her my word and gone back on it, in the 5 days I've restarted my journey for recovery I want my wife so desperately to see that I've turned a corner and I want to be a better man, then something comes along and just as I feel like I'm some small progress out my pit I feel like I'm at the bottom again looking up at day light, let me explain I have a job interview tomorrow so I thought I'll give myself a trim, stupidly I didn't look in a mirror and ended up taking too much off one side, I forgot to use a mirror  I'm balding anyway no big deal expect in the past when I used to act out for some reason I would shave my head after some times, my wife soon learn the link between the two, the first thing I thought she's gonna think I've acted out, I sent her a message to explain what happened, my wife sent back a series of messages say OK but I so desperately want her to believe me but I know I've broken my word to her so many times I feel like even I tell her the truth she never believe me again no matter what progress I make, she told me how she misses things how they used to be between us, I just feel like I want to run away a million miles, became a hermit on some island somewhere not hurting anyone but then I remember I love my wife and I want to be with her but my addiction is the thing between us I'm trying my hardest to kill it but its the bad smell that won't go away, in the past I would of just said F it I don't care let me get some porn.... But I'm not I cant keep on destroying myself and the people around me, if anything hurts so much is losing my wife's trust and love, so for all you fellow addicts out there don't be like this old fool, stop before it's too late before you lose the ones you love, I'm gonna go back to a bit of fantasy but it's Alien vs Predator, I know it's not a great film but it's better than porn.

Let's fight this thing one day at a time, I'm AK I'm a porn addict and this is my 5th day of recovery

 

[bob]

Ak,

Time is your friend in this process. Don't expect this automatic outpouring of support until you have some time behind you. Just be committed that you can do this.

Peace

 

[Qtrmilerun]

Hi AK,

GREAT JOB on 5 days!

I think what Bob said is absolutely true. Be patient. The longer you go the more your wife will begin to trust you again. I know you wish time would go by faster and that you could say today  "I am 10 years porn free!". I have those feelings too. Still, every minute, every hour, every day porn free is a victory!

Another think I like to say to myself when i get tempted is, "Do you really want to have to start at Day 0 AGAIN?" It helps

Stick with it Buddy!
QTR

 

[DavS]

  I can relate to what you and your wife are going through. Many of us can. My advice is to seek her involvement in all your efforts. If she's not interested, just keep her posted. Be honest about everything, but don't expect trust to return any time soon. I got on my knees and begged for one more chance. I didn't know what to do, but I promised to figure it out. This site has been a huge help.

 

[RightWay]

AK, everyone can relate to your story of lost trust. We never knew how much porn addiction was going to take away from us and when temptation comes it can be easy to "forget" all over again. Do whatever you can to add the next victory to your belt, however you can define victory. It might help to let your wife know how you are making progress and how progress is important to you because of how it affects her. It sounds like she is very supportive so the trust will probably come back in increments over time. She can know you love her and are still not where you want to be.

 

[Qtrmilerun]

Hi AK!

I'm just checking on you and seeing how things are going. I hope you are well!

QTR

 

[Ak1973]

Thx that means a lot, I'm taking it one day at a time, thankfully I have my wife with me so those steps are lesson for us both, the stones are being lifted and the rats are running but under those stones were finding struggling flowers that given the light will become something beautiful

 

[aquarius25]

I think the loss of trust is the single most difficult impact that porn has on relationships. It is the loss of trust that makes partners feel like they are not in the partnership they thought they were in. It causes so much hurt both for the partner but, as you are experiencing, for the addict too. One of the best ways to start the rebuilding process is communication! Ask her questions and be open with her about what you are experiencing too. Both the struggles and the triumphs! If it occurs to you to think it, tell her. Honesty and integrity (having your actions align with your word) displayed over an extended period of time = trust. Just like is wasn't one event that broke the trust, it was an extended time of a certain behavior, it will take time to rebuild it. It hurts, yes, for both of you the hurt is monumental but on the other side it is so much better. It is so worth it! There will be a day when either of you would not wish for the days before all of this because who you are after this is so much better. Sit down with her and set goals together. Short term and long term goals. As you slowly achieve them you both will be able to celebrate together and your relationship will grow. Be sure to discuss how both of you plan to approach when the other messes up. You are human and it will happen with a porn addiction or not, lol. But have a plan on how to handle that so in the moment you aren't left just freaking out. Ask her when she isn't full of all the raw emotion how she would want you to tell her if you relapse, or if you cut all your hair off, lol! She probably hasn't really thought about it, but giving her a chance to think she might decided that she wants you to wait till she is home from work, or she might need to know asap. Maybe she might need you to sleep on the couch for a night, or just need a hug. There are so many things. Having the plan is so much better than just panicking. In this instance since you really did just mess up and cut your hair, tell her you are sorry and show her your phone, give her access to anything you may have use in the past and just be open. She might not believe you today, but someday if you keep the communication open, she will.

This is all intended to be encouraging. I am a partner and I know first hand just how much it hurts. Hang in there. Focus on being the person you want to be and working towards the relationship you want to have with the woman you love!