Are male sex toys more prevelent with porn addicts?

[brokensoul]

My boyfriend with a 20 year history of strip clubs, titty bars, porn magazines & PMO has a bunch of male sex toys and half a gallon of personal lubricant.  I have never seen this stuff before.  He claims most guys have it.  I've dated a bunch and have never run into it, ever.  He's also totally stopped any physical contact with me outside of hugging.  We had sex sometimes 3 times a day now I'm invisible but he claims he's quit porn.....really? He never asks me to come over his house anymore but spends hours with me on the phone.  He also is a recluse sitting in his house when he's not at work. Just all strange to me.

 

[doneatlast]

Lots of porn addicts have habits they're not proud of, but I have heard little or no talk about sex toys on these boards, nor do I have any experience with them myself.  I wouldn't say most porn addicts, and definitely wouldn't say most guys.  All this sounds like serious addiction behavior to me.  I think if he really quit you'd see serious withdrawal signs in him, or see him throwing out his toys and lubes.  Maybe he thinks he's quit because he's stopped certain kinds or something, or maybe he's just quit porn but is still masturbating at an alarming rate, hence the toys and lube.  Hard to say.

 

[mousemat1]

There could be several reasons why he doesn't want to touch you beyond hugging.

• When I was using I had no desire to be intimate with my girlfriend, beyond hugging. Even kissing was unpleasant for me. I was disgusted with myself so I committed to another reboot at the start of the year.
• During my reboot I have had no desire to be intimate with my girlfriend, beyond hugging. Even kissing had been unpleasant for me. I'm on day 244 of my reboot and I was only able to get an erection and have sex for the first time during the whole 244 days last night!

I write this because my reaction towards sex was the same when I was using and when I was flatlining/recovering (I'm not fully recovered by any means). Therefore, it's probably difficult to know if he's stopped using porn or not.

One problem with male sex toys (I assume you mean masturbators) is that if he is rebooting then he probably needs to stop masturbating during his reboot. Sex toys feed into the whole porn problem in the fact that it's artificial. If I think about sex toys I think about porn. That might be something you need to be concerned about.

I am a recovering porn addict and I've never bought sex toys for solo sex. I've bought sex toys in the past to use with a partner. I really can't comment if most guys have them. However, I would imagine that men who are into masturbating to porn might buy such things.

He might be using male sex toys because he knows he can't get aroused with a real flesh and blood woman but his brain demands its dopamine hit. In short, he has PIED.

Porn is shit! We don't want to be porn addicts and I'm sure that most of the men on this forum sincerely regret the pain they've caused their partners. I certainly regret the pain and anguish I've caused my partner, which is why I have committed to beat this addiction once and for all. I'm sorry to read about your story. I've seen what my addiction has done to my girlfriend. Your partner needs to come clean, he doesn't need his male sex toys if he's committed to rebooting and he needs to start reading the reports from other addicts like myself on this forum, if he hasn't already done so.

I wish you the best of luck. Sorry I can't offer more constructive advice.

 

[malando]

I'll say it: anybody using male sex toys is also using porn. Toys are part of the escalation that is hyper sexuality. They really aren't necessary for a man unless he is trying to delve deeper into the male fantasy world of unreal sex. If he tells you that he's using these toys there is no good answer he can give as to why:

Either he is using porn and the toys are an adjunct to that, or, he isn't using porn, but still using toys to fulfil himself rather than having a real sex life with you, his partner. Either option is not a good sign and is screaming denial of his problem. I only included the second option for the sake of theoretical argument. I would bet my house on it that if he's using these toys, he's using porn. From everything I've read here and on your other thread, I think you've got yourself a real liar there, I'm afraid. If he's quit porn he should be happy to set fire to these toys in front of your eyes. He won't want to do that. Even if he did, he might buy more. You deserve better than this.

I have a question for you, if it's not too intrusive: You mention that you don't live together and that he doesn't ask you to come to his house anymore. Is living separately by choice for both of you? Have you ever mentioned living together and had him present you with a lot of reasons why now isn't the right time? If he's determined to live alone, do you think he's guarding his private time which contains a lot of sexual obsession?

Being with somebody who doesn't make you feel good about yourself is not good enough. You should find somebody who appreciates you and builds you up, not makes you spend countless hours feeling confused and disillusioned. A relationship where you mostly speak on the phone when you could actually spend time together - how does that work for you? Doesn't it make you feel like you're not special, not worth making an effort for? I really think you need to look after yourself more and cut this guy loose. He wants you on his terms, to support him. He doesn't offer you love, affection or affirmation. To top it off, he's a porn addict in denial and lying about it to you while he has sex with rubber toys. That's emotionally abusive in my book. You've even called your screen name "broken soul" - that's your honest feeling about being with this man...

 

[Fappy]

im sorry to hear of the trouble you are having,
You mentioned he has a bunch of sex toys. Which types does he own?
And I agree with most of the above posters when they say certainly not most men have them. Its a symptom of an unhealthy obsession with sex and the whole porn culture

 

[brokensoul]

Molando, I'm pretty much over him.  He has destroyed me and like most abuser's proceeds to tell me "you're messed up, you need professional help"....ABSOLUTELY.  This is not the first one of his kind.  This culture is saturated with guys like him that pose as gentlemen.  He told me I was desperate for wanting to date.  Dating is normal, connection is normal.  Locking yourself in a room and poking rubber sex toys, humping your bed to videos all day on your off days....is NOT normal...he is totally reclusive.  Doesn't even clean his own house but spends endless hours in front of a tv.  He has been referring to me for months as a slut and a whore if I even have to talk to a male at a business counter.  He scrutinizes everything I do and pertains it to sex.  What I wear, how I talk, how I walk EVERYTHING! If a guy tries to talk to me in public he supposedly "wants to stick his dick in me" then I get called more names.  I am officially done with this madness.  I need healing from here, I'm so broken.  I thank you all for your advise and input. Thank you for taking your time to answer my questions.

 

[malando]

Molando, I'm pretty much over him.  He has destroyed me and like most abuser's proceeds to tell me "you're messed up, you need professional help"....ABSOLUTELY.  This is not the first one of his kind.  This culture is saturated with guys like him that pose as gentlemen.  He told me I was desperate for wanting to date.  Dating is normal, connection is normal.  Locking yourself in a room and poking rubber sex toys, humping your bed to videos all day on your off days....is NOT normal...he is totally reclusive.  Doesn't even clean his own house but spends endless hours in front of a tv.  He has been referring to me for months as a slut and a whore if I even have to talk to a male at a business counter.  He scrutinizes everything I do and pertains it to sex.  What I wear, how I talk, how I walk EVERYTHING! If a guy tries to talk to me in public he supposedly "wants to stick his dick in me" then I get called more names.  I am officially done with this madness.  I need healing from here, I'm so broken.  I thank you all for your advise and input. Thank you for taking your time to answer my questions.

Ok, good to hear you are moving on from him and moving towards healing. I wish you the very best with that. You are right - there are a lot of men out there now who think being a porn-addled freak is normal. Just remember that you deserve more than that. Ask the next guy you date whether porn is in his life and do it as early as you can without sounding too weird yourself! There are decent guys out there if you believe you are entitled to one. Take care and take your time.

 

[doneatlast]

Molando, I'm pretty much over him.  He has destroyed me and like most abuser's proceeds to tell me "you're messed up, you need professional help"....ABSOLUTELY.  This is not the first one of his kind.  This culture is saturated with guys like him that pose as gentlemen.  He told me I was desperate for wanting to date.  Dating is normal, connection is normal.  Locking yourself in a room and poking rubber sex toys, humping your bed to videos all day on your off days....is NOT normal...he is totally reclusive.  Doesn't even clean his own house but spends endless hours in front of a tv.  He has been referring to me for months as a slut and a whore if I even have to talk to a male at a business counter.  He scrutinizes everything I do and pertains it to sex.  What I wear, how I talk, how I walk EVERYTHING! If a guy tries to talk to me in public he supposedly "wants to stick his dick in me" then I get called more names.  I am officially done with this madness.  I need healing from here, I'm so broken.  I thank you all for your advise and input. Thank you for taking your time to answer my questions.

I wish I could give you a hug.  This is a great example of how porn ruins men's minds and renders us incapable of seeing women as the beautiful creatures they are.  You, and so many other women, deserve better.  This should be motivation for all guys here wanting to quit: this is the sort of beautiful soul that you hurt when you live with porn.  Sex is supposed to be a total giving of self, not a destruction and use of the other.  It damages people so much to use them like that, and those of us who have spent so much time with porn train our brains to do that.

I normally refrain from advising someone to stay in or get out of a relationship since I am not a counselor and usually only hear one side of things, but it sounds like the relationship is abusive, and so I feel okay saying it.  You can still wish him well and pray for him, but letting him walk all over you is damaging to you, and frankly staying would only affirm him in his current life choices.

I wish I could say you're wrong when you say "This culture is saturated with guys like him", but that is the epidemic we live in right now.  That is why I come to these boards, to do my incredibly small part in changing that.  There are good guys out there, though.  And, even if you never find one, you're still a good person and deserve a good person.

Take care of your safety, of course.  Don't be a stranger around here if you feel it will help going forward.  There are some absolutely brilliant women who post on here who are partners of porn/sex addicts.  Use the PM feature if need be.  Find some friends, family or support groups to help.

 

[HumbleRich]

Malando,

Would that mean rec9vering porn addicts, as in all of us.

Obviously I am not on the market, but if I was, it wouodnfeelnluke a punch in the face if me overcoming a problem was enough for a girl to decline a relationship.

Just wanted to point that out.

Rich

 

[malando]

Malando,

Would that mean rec9vering porn addicts, as in all of us.

Obviously I am not on the market, but if I was, it wouodnfeelnluke a punch in the face if me overcoming a problem was enough for a girl to decline a relationship.

Just wanted to point that out.

Rich

Rich, I don't think a recovering addict is a deal-breaker. If anything, somebody who admits they had/have a problem and is staunchly anti-porn/pro-relationship would be a better prospect than somebody who is hard to pinpoint in terms of their stance on such things. A lot of people claim to not watch porn, but a lot of them are lying. So somebody who says, "I'm so done with porn, I want sex to mean something" might be just the person somebody who has been traumatised by doubt needs. A strong stance and a commitment to being present in their relationships.

 

[brokensoul]

Malando?.I get the porn addicted freaks....he's extremely defensive about his use and constantly reinforcing "it's normal" he's even made comments, "all these guys at the gym stare at you then go home and masturbate to porn".  He wanted to convince me that every guy did that.  He is a freak and wants to feel normal.  Recovering porn addicts at least realize they have a problem.  My last 2 relationships were all about convincing me their behavior was not only normal but that every guy did it.  Rented women, had fetish issures, spent hours even days edging to porn, etc.  I have been dealing at this point with trauma and trying to recover with fear of running into another one of "them".  I stuck it out I tried everything but if was obvious by their defensiveness that their porn was way more important than me.  I became their problem.  I am no longer.  I don't know why I continue to attract this type of man?  I did question both of them when I met them and yes, red flags all over the place.  I could tell the porn fog when they rambled on about bizarre sexual topics after not hearing from them on their days off for hours on end.  Their behavior was so different.  After the first month I was no longer their "dream girl" I was never given compliments after that first month.  In fact I felt invisible.  I thought something was wrong with me.  What do they not see when you are no longer their fantasy?  Why keep you around?  That Ill never understand.

 

[malando]

Gee, that's rough that you got two men in a row that have such issues. I can see how that would take an enormous toll on you in so many ways. I don't know why some men get the "fog". I never had that - I've always had strong empathy for others and my partner doesn't think I've changed as a person, before or after quitting porn. I never kept it a secret though, so it was not a cover up situation. In fact she thought it was normal to watch porn and she was watching it too. I actually told her I wanted to give up before she did. Now we are both off porn and realising that whilst it didn't make us "foggy", it did make us lazy and less imaginative about our sex lives and also made us less emotionally connected in the bedroom. We are much better off now and we feel very close again when we have sex. It's a complete experience again, rather than a detached one.

I don't think there's any one profile for a porn user. That doesn't help your situation though. I'm wondering if the best move for you, once you've emotionally recovered from this of course, might be online matching? I know it sounds awful, but you could make a strong point of saying that you are looking for a man who doesn't use pornography at all and wants just one woman. When people meet in person they often tell people what they want to hear just to get things moving in the direction they want. I think you've come across two men who unfortunately were using you for their own purposes rather than to build a proper relationship. They are probably incapable of having a healthy relationship. They can get excited in the short term because they get their dopamine fix from it being new, but for an addict, they need brand-new all the time. Nothing holds their interest. I consider myself lucky that I was never this far gone because I have always found myself totally attracted to my partner - even at the height of my addiction. But you have been through so much with this already, I think it justifies stating it categorically that you want nothing to do with any porn-addicts past or present, because you can't afford to keep getting hurt in this way. I actually met my partner online after getting tired of waiting for the right person to arrive. There's no shame in it, you just have to make sure you meet new people in a safe environment until you can establish who they are.

If you want to run any thoughts past me either here or in private messages, please do. I consider it my duty as a man to help people get through these issues in any way I can. I detest what porn has done to our society. It is male-driven, patriarchal abuse at its finest. I'm sorry you've been affect by it.

 

[Finw?]

brokensoul,

May I ask where you found your last two partners?

 

[doneatlast]

Chances are they wanted to keep you around because they are a hot mess of negative emotions... abandonment anxiety, jealousy (hence all the talk about you cheating, guys at the gym, so on), imagining your life without them, control issues, you name it.  Porn addiction heightens all of our emotional problems. 

I like everything malando says, but will reinforce that it is entirely within your rights to say at the outset that you only want to date a man who is anti-porn.  Porn use is extremely prevalent, you will narrow your field... but in a very good way.