Rich's 90 Days

H

HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in on the day after.  I missed an AA meeting because I went to the wrong address.  The next AA meeting is at 8:15, so I will be leaving for that at around 7:45 pm.  I actually look forward to the meeting and working on my alcoholism.  Yep, Malando, my behavior last night definitely was against my vows.  But I blame the alcohol.  When I drink I turn into a different person, or a much worse version of myself.  AA meeting tonight.  I think that in concert with my work here at Reboot Nation I will start to see considerable improvement.

Going to keep track of all of my sobriety dates on here, so:

Abstaining from PMO/Erotica: Day 1/90
Abstaining from alcohol: Day 1
Abstaining from candy/soda (helps me to stay sober of alcohol): Day 1/90

Rich
 
M

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
HumbleRich said:
Checking in on the day after.  I missed an AA meeting because I went to the wrong address.  The next AA meeting is at 8:15, so I will be leaving for that at around 7:45 pm.  I actually look forward to the meeting and working on my alcoholism.  Yep, Malando, my behavior last night definitely was against my vows.  But I blame the alcohol.  When I drink I turn into a different person, or a much worse version of myself.  AA meeting tonight.  I think that in concert with my work here at Reboot Nation I will start to see considerable improvement.

Going to keep track of all of my sobriety dates on here, so:

Abstaining from PMO/Erotica: Day 1/90
Abstaining from alcohol: Day 1
Abstaining from candy/soda (helps me to stay sober of alcohol): Day 1/90

Rich
Click to expand...
I understand what you are saying, Rich - although I would suggest it's better not "blame alcohol" as though it's a disembodied spirit that makes you do things. It's part of a suite of behaviours that you are trying to change. I get that. When I quit porn I also had to do battle with my addiction to overeating and sugar in particular. It was part of my suite of behaviours that involved overindulgence and excessive pleasure seeking. I'm not completely out of the woods yet. It's a long slow battle. I think porn was the gateway to the other behaviours. Porn literally makes us insane, you know? I still remember the maniacal fervour of a "good" PMO session. It was like being possessed. It's actually quite frightening. It certainly bled into my relationships in terms of how sexually focussed I was. It was too important. So we are learning to scale back these pleasure seeking traits we have, day by day. Keep trying, Rich, you will get there.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Shitty: that is in a word how I feel mentally and emotionally today.  I am going through drama with family, but I won?t get into that at the moment.  I don?t know if I would be dealing with everything so well if I weren?t sober.  Our marriage has been better in the past seven days of abstinence from alcohol than in the past months.  I notice a difference in myself, and we have even discussed having sex again once we move to our new apartment in June that has thicker walls (her worry more than mine).  I feel like some form of normality has come into our lives.  Even as we deal with my narc. Mother.  More on that later.

So, checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 7/90
ALCOHOL: day 7

I have been going to AA meetings almost every day this week *=(except for the day before yesterday (Thursday) when we stayed at my Grandparent?s when we brought their car back.  I feel that I will continue going to meetings every day next week, but will reduce it to two or one meetings a week following that. 

I am feeling more empowered as I try to control the world less.  Looking forward to things more.  Next week is our wedding anniversary.  Three years.  They aren?t what they could have been (had I been sober), but this woman is the love of my life and I don?t regret a second with her.

Be back tomorrow.

Rich
 
S

sadhanapada81

Member
You can do it man. Believe in yourself. The past does not matter. What matter is here and now. One day. One hour. One minute at a time. Keep going at it.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in

Abstinent of
PMO: 9/90
Alcohol: 9

Time for bed

Rich
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Tension is building, so I am going to make myself write.  I had a good AA meeting this evening.  I have little or no interest in drinking tonight, but the urge to PMO is oh so strong.  I am just so irritated with everything.  To start with the positive, my wife and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Disney World.  I didn?t spend too much money, and we both enjoyed a good time at the parks.  I am dedicated to improving as a husband, becoming ever more selfless and supportive of my wife.  Now for the negative: there is something wrong with my car.  The passenger airbag off light is on and something is leaking at the front of the car.  Always great when that happens.  My driving definitely needs improvement, and that is likely the cause.  The soonest I can take the car in is Thursday, so I set up an appointment for then.  Of course this has set off anxiety and my selfishness in not being able to get the car looked at right away.  So, I am going to have to drive the car as little as possible (still need to go to AA meetings) as I CAN.  And I obviously can?t have my wife in the car.

I am so, so, so frustrated, and want more than ever to be hedonistic and to get pleasure from PMO.

Now I am going to try to pray it away.

Hope others are doing well

Rich

Abstinent of:
PMO: 16/90
Alcohol: 16
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

That is how I feel at the moment.  I am about to get off the internet because I feel so close to acting out and know that when this happens I need to get away.  I just cannot get rid of the desire to see erotica.  It is day 18 now, and the thrill and images in my head continue to drive me.  Beyond that, I just can?t get rid of lust in the real world.  Living here in Florida there are beautiful, sexy women everywhere I look.  I do consider my wife beautiful and attractive, but the obsession with other women is a deeply kept secret that I don?t know what to do with.  My obsession with breasts has returned, even though I have not acted out online or masturbated to porn (I have masturbated once this week).  I don?t know why my obsession with breasts has returned or stayed, but it is here with a vengeance and I have little control over checking out women IRL.  I feel like I am regressing here.  This journal is my only outlet as I feel that I definitely cannot tell my wife any of this stuff without hurting her or making her feel like I will break her trust.

That is everything.  So, still technically sober of PMO, but having more trouble with lust than ever.

I will pray over this.

Rich

Abstinent of
PMO: 18/90
Alcohol: 18
 
M

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Rich, I can see things are very tough for you at the moment. I think it might help if you keep very mindful about your life situation. Whenever your lust is raging and your desire to stare at breasts comes to the fore, remind yourself of this very simple fact:
"These breasts, these hot women, don't give a flying fuck about me. They don't want me, they have no feelings for me, they don't care what happens to my life. The only woman who does actually care about me, is my wife"

Give it a try. Sometimes it can help to bring things back to a very simple truth and remind yourself of it regularly, or when you feel the noise starting to build in your mind.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Been busy folks

Checking to in
Abstinent of
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in

Feeling a lot better

According to my AA counter I miscounted.  Up till now I have been counting by the day I was on.  From here on out I will count days successfully sober.

Abstinent of:
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich

 
C

CB

Active Member
Stick to it, it will get easier with time but it will always lure in the shadows and always try to strike when we are down. You got this!
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in.  I know my day counts have been infrequent and my posts have been on a hiatus.  I Blame busy-ness and the fact that I quit caffeine this week, so I am dealing with the enormous withdrawals from that.  I hope to get back to more elaborate posts next week.

So, my counts are
Abstinent of:
PMO: 26/90
Alcohol: 26 days
Caffeine: 3 days

Rich




 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Update:

I did end up caving in today on day 3 without caffeine, by eating a Cliff bar brownie that I stupidly left in the house.  So, tomorrow is day 1 again on sobriety from caffeine, the most difficult addiction I have ever had to beat.  Wish me luck.

Rich
 
P

PE30

Well-Known Member
Seems like you've been making some good progress on the PMO side since we last talked - well done.

Caffeine withdrawal is horrible - am planning to quit caffeine as we're travelling Europe in August and I'm not expecting a good cup of tea anywhere!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top