allthelights
Member
Please read and comment if it strikes you.
The past week has been very challenging for me. My partner of the past 11 years who I adore confronted me with my addiction and is unsure whether or not she has the strength to heal with me and to go through the process again. I say again because this is the second time that she has confronted me a major way regarding my problem; the first was 7 years ago. I was able to seek help then and made great progress but ultimately relapsed and picked up bad habits over time. It kills me knowing what I have done to her because she means everything to me and I want her to be happy. I hate what this addiction has done to me and my life. I will go over my story as best as I can and then I hope to maintain this journal going forward. I am also maintaining a written journal and I am trying to reduce my screen time so it is unlikely that I will update this every day but I am trying to build a structure of support and accountability around my self so that I can make a sustainable improvement in my life.
I am nearly 31 years old and have had an addiction to internet pornography since the age of 13; nearly 18 years at this point. My addiction does not cause me any physical dysfunctions but instead has been relied on by me a mental crutch to allow myself to silence my mind. The main triggers for me are being alone and being stressed and my line of work has put me square into those situations. I have started the process of working with counsellors because outside of rebooting I want to make changes in my life and my thinking that will target the roots of my problems.
Due to family challenges I had to become fairly independent at a very young age, this put me into many situations where I would be alone for extended periods of time. Adding to that, I have never really been strong socially and I have many insecurities that lead to my isolation from others and other activities. For as long as I can remember (long before the addiction taking hold) I have always been a high achiever but I don't know what makes me do that. I do know that I reflexively over think everything to the point of mental exhaustion and that my brain seems to always be churning and burning. This led to me being successful at university and while I fully acknowledge that I had the addiction during that time, the network of friends and social connections I had kept the problem more in control. Upon leaving school I immediately moved away for a job where I lived alone. This is when the problems really took hold of my life.
My bizarre need to over achieve has been amplified in the work environment where I am lauded as being a 'star player' but I believe that has come at the cost of my mental health. My stress levels hit their all time peak this year, I actually got to the point of tears on multiple occasions at work which has never happened to me before. When I wake up I am thinking about work, when I am at work I don't take breaks, and when I come home (late) I obsessively think about work conversations. My main stress reducing technique was to simply veg out and try to relax but this doesn't work and only serves to keep things bottled up. Prior to this week I think there were only a handful of things that could get my attention away and exercise my mental strain: spending time with my partner, sexual relations with my partner, spending time with my friends, and my addiction to pornography. I'm sure there were others but those four are the things that really jump to mind. The first three are healthy but the last one as we know is terribly unhealthy.
My addiction to porn is much the same as other people but with some differences. It is most definitely a compulsion that I was not in control of but it was very much a product of opportunity. I have never stayed up late surfing for porn while my partner slept, the thought has never crossed my mind. I much prefer maintaining company with her in most cases, non-sexual. My addiction would rear its ugly head in two different forms: masturbating to porn in the morning before work in the bathroom and engaging in long terrible sessions when I was alone and knew that I would be alone for an extended period of time.
The first one (bathroom) is much more of a recent addition. I would use porn for visual stimulation but the whole process would be very short (3-5 mins). On some occasions I wouldn't even use porn when I masturbated. I think I started this habit to cope with stress in the morning. I say habit but this was not a daily activity, but I'm not sure how often it happened.
The second one is has been the core of my problem for 18 years. I would get entranced when switching from tab to tab, I never finished a full video and always moved on to something new. I didn't have a specific taste but I would say that much of what I did view was far outside of what my tastes are. The worst activity I engaged in was escalating beyond viewing porn to communicating with strangers via email to discuss our fantasies and sex. These communications would be very superficial from my end, no names or personal information disclosed, no face pictures shared but I did share pictures of my body and I am very ashamed of that fact. While these communications were not the most common part of my addiction, they are by far the most damaging to my psyche and to my relationship. I never acted on any of these email exchanges and I never met anyone in person. I have never wanted an intimate relationship beyond the one with my partner, she provides me everything I could ever want and need from a romantic/sexual perspective. I don't know why I engaged in these activities but it was always while being in the throws of a long porn edging session. I am terribly sorry for my actions and want to be able to maintain my relationship but I understand why it is hard for her.
That was very challenging to type out. There are parts of whats above that brought tears to my eyes while typing. I am glad that I am on the path of improvement/recovery now and am committed to the process. I had some success before with stopping but I lost focus and wasn't vigilant. I am trying to build better strategies surrounding my triggers but what feels different for me this time is the support net I am building for myself and the mindfulness exercises that I am incorporating into my life. I feel that by being more mindful and by finding ways to reduce my stress and refocus much of life outside of work I will find more harmony and a path that is successful. I know that it is hard work but I am committed because I fully admit that I have an addiction to porn and that I need to change; for my sake and for the people who care about me.
Things I am doing (and counting...)
1. I have spoken to counsellors and have found that exercise to be very valuable. I strongly encourage others to do so if they have the means. I intend to make this a part of my ongoing recovery, not just in times of crisis.
2. I have started meditating twice daily at minimum. The headspace app is easy to use and has pulled me out of some thought spirals. I would have written off meditation in the past (without trying it) but it really does work as a tool to acknowledge and calm though patterns.
3. I have started a written journal. Similar to meditation, I never would have tried this before but wow is it a powerful tool.
4. I am posting here, like I said above, I am trying to reduce my screen time considerably at the moment so I don't know how often I will update but just writing this post has been a therapeutic experience.
5. I have talked to friends. This is the big one and has taken a lot of buildup mentally for me. I have personally admitted to my addiction and what I have done to 4 of my friends. This is a stress/anxiety inducing item for me but I decided that as part of my recovery I need to own my problems beyond just myself.
The past week has been very challenging for me. My partner of the past 11 years who I adore confronted me with my addiction and is unsure whether or not she has the strength to heal with me and to go through the process again. I say again because this is the second time that she has confronted me a major way regarding my problem; the first was 7 years ago. I was able to seek help then and made great progress but ultimately relapsed and picked up bad habits over time. It kills me knowing what I have done to her because she means everything to me and I want her to be happy. I hate what this addiction has done to me and my life. I will go over my story as best as I can and then I hope to maintain this journal going forward. I am also maintaining a written journal and I am trying to reduce my screen time so it is unlikely that I will update this every day but I am trying to build a structure of support and accountability around my self so that I can make a sustainable improvement in my life.
I am nearly 31 years old and have had an addiction to internet pornography since the age of 13; nearly 18 years at this point. My addiction does not cause me any physical dysfunctions but instead has been relied on by me a mental crutch to allow myself to silence my mind. The main triggers for me are being alone and being stressed and my line of work has put me square into those situations. I have started the process of working with counsellors because outside of rebooting I want to make changes in my life and my thinking that will target the roots of my problems.
Due to family challenges I had to become fairly independent at a very young age, this put me into many situations where I would be alone for extended periods of time. Adding to that, I have never really been strong socially and I have many insecurities that lead to my isolation from others and other activities. For as long as I can remember (long before the addiction taking hold) I have always been a high achiever but I don't know what makes me do that. I do know that I reflexively over think everything to the point of mental exhaustion and that my brain seems to always be churning and burning. This led to me being successful at university and while I fully acknowledge that I had the addiction during that time, the network of friends and social connections I had kept the problem more in control. Upon leaving school I immediately moved away for a job where I lived alone. This is when the problems really took hold of my life.
My bizarre need to over achieve has been amplified in the work environment where I am lauded as being a 'star player' but I believe that has come at the cost of my mental health. My stress levels hit their all time peak this year, I actually got to the point of tears on multiple occasions at work which has never happened to me before. When I wake up I am thinking about work, when I am at work I don't take breaks, and when I come home (late) I obsessively think about work conversations. My main stress reducing technique was to simply veg out and try to relax but this doesn't work and only serves to keep things bottled up. Prior to this week I think there were only a handful of things that could get my attention away and exercise my mental strain: spending time with my partner, sexual relations with my partner, spending time with my friends, and my addiction to pornography. I'm sure there were others but those four are the things that really jump to mind. The first three are healthy but the last one as we know is terribly unhealthy.
My addiction to porn is much the same as other people but with some differences. It is most definitely a compulsion that I was not in control of but it was very much a product of opportunity. I have never stayed up late surfing for porn while my partner slept, the thought has never crossed my mind. I much prefer maintaining company with her in most cases, non-sexual. My addiction would rear its ugly head in two different forms: masturbating to porn in the morning before work in the bathroom and engaging in long terrible sessions when I was alone and knew that I would be alone for an extended period of time.
The first one (bathroom) is much more of a recent addition. I would use porn for visual stimulation but the whole process would be very short (3-5 mins). On some occasions I wouldn't even use porn when I masturbated. I think I started this habit to cope with stress in the morning. I say habit but this was not a daily activity, but I'm not sure how often it happened.
The second one is has been the core of my problem for 18 years. I would get entranced when switching from tab to tab, I never finished a full video and always moved on to something new. I didn't have a specific taste but I would say that much of what I did view was far outside of what my tastes are. The worst activity I engaged in was escalating beyond viewing porn to communicating with strangers via email to discuss our fantasies and sex. These communications would be very superficial from my end, no names or personal information disclosed, no face pictures shared but I did share pictures of my body and I am very ashamed of that fact. While these communications were not the most common part of my addiction, they are by far the most damaging to my psyche and to my relationship. I never acted on any of these email exchanges and I never met anyone in person. I have never wanted an intimate relationship beyond the one with my partner, she provides me everything I could ever want and need from a romantic/sexual perspective. I don't know why I engaged in these activities but it was always while being in the throws of a long porn edging session. I am terribly sorry for my actions and want to be able to maintain my relationship but I understand why it is hard for her.
That was very challenging to type out. There are parts of whats above that brought tears to my eyes while typing. I am glad that I am on the path of improvement/recovery now and am committed to the process. I had some success before with stopping but I lost focus and wasn't vigilant. I am trying to build better strategies surrounding my triggers but what feels different for me this time is the support net I am building for myself and the mindfulness exercises that I am incorporating into my life. I feel that by being more mindful and by finding ways to reduce my stress and refocus much of life outside of work I will find more harmony and a path that is successful. I know that it is hard work but I am committed because I fully admit that I have an addiction to porn and that I need to change; for my sake and for the people who care about me.
Things I am doing (and counting...)
1. I have spoken to counsellors and have found that exercise to be very valuable. I strongly encourage others to do so if they have the means. I intend to make this a part of my ongoing recovery, not just in times of crisis.
2. I have started meditating twice daily at minimum. The headspace app is easy to use and has pulled me out of some thought spirals. I would have written off meditation in the past (without trying it) but it really does work as a tool to acknowledge and calm though patterns.
3. I have started a written journal. Similar to meditation, I never would have tried this before but wow is it a powerful tool.
4. I am posting here, like I said above, I am trying to reduce my screen time considerably at the moment so I don't know how often I will update but just writing this post has been a therapeutic experience.
5. I have talked to friends. This is the big one and has taken a lot of buildup mentally for me. I have personally admitted to my addiction and what I have done to 4 of my friends. This is a stress/anxiety inducing item for me but I decided that as part of my recovery I need to own my problems beyond just myself.