Not gonna go it alone

[BlueHeronFan]

8/30

Another quiet day at home, did some laundry, got caught up on school and work emails. There's so much information coming at me from the school, and it changes from day to day. So I had to read and delete a lot of emails from the weekend, reschedule some meetings to not be in person anymore, stuff like that. Did some cooking, called home.

As quiet and weird as the day was (and as they will probably continue to be), I'm feeling pretty good, better than I have in a couple weeks actually. There's nothing I can do about the world being crazy right now, so I'm just trying to make the best of it and enjoy being at home. When things are normal, I always feel anxiety about not being home, so this change should actually be a good thing, right? I'm going to say yes.

I still have some planning and catching up to do just to figure out what I need to do and when now that things have changed. But there's time for that. I'll just take it a day at a time, just like everything else.

Here's to a great tomorrow!

 

[faenoe]

Hey Blue. I have returned to the place that took me so far. I really appreciate all of the comments you have on your thread here and I'm right here with you man.

It's been such a crazy change with just staying inside pretty much all day. Even just going to campus was something I didn't expect to miss so much. I guess you never know what you have until it's gone. But new circumstances are just new challenges for us to rise and adapt to. It has not been easy for me these past couple of days but I have a goal for this week to be a clean one.

 

[changeee]

Hi, beautiful one you are surrounded by people who want to be there every step of the way, they would walk to the ends of the earth for you- as you would for them. You are an incredible friend who always goes that extra mile for those around you to make sure they feel loved, safe and treasured.  Remember that you are treasured sweetheart, in the safest hands & loved beyond measure for all the beautiful, lovely and sweet things you are. You are wonderful. There is no one quite like you, nor will there ever be- you bring something to this place we've never seen before- a love we never knew we needed until you arrived and a kindness that will be your legacy one hundred and fifty years from now. You move mountains to make your friends smile everyday, you make it look so effortless. Give yourself a pat on the back lovely. You deserve it. We adore you!! Massive hug & lots of love

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks for the kind words, changeee! That was a nice surprise

10/30

Another slower day. They're going to be like that for a while, I think. But it was good. I'm trying to branch out into hobbies/good activities that aren't screen-based. Still ending up on screens a lot, which isn't bad so much as probably not sustainable. I have noticed that all this screen time during the day is leaving me feeling a little buzzed or something, maybe just brain fog or something.

I haven't really had solid plans for the day lately, gotten out of that habit since it became less necessary to stay on top of things lately. I think that would help, so maybe I'll try to get it done more consistently.

Had a couple video conferences today, one for work, the other a little more social. At least there are still ways to connect with other people, not totally ideal, but better than nothing.

On to another day!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

11/30

Another day at home, not much going on. Talked to some friends today, though, and that was good. Worked on some other things, got some stuff done.

Just carryin' on.

 

[Kraken]

Good work blue!  I'm finding it takes a totally different mindset to run a whole day without any outside commitments.  A lot of self discipline, it's not easy. 

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Hey Blue, I?ve been away for a while but just wanted to drop in and say I?m with you, and we are all with you. These are bizarre times, and we?re all having to process a lot of emotions right now and stay clean which is a massive challenge. I truly believe that this is a chance for change. Any day, as you always so wisely say, is a chance for real change, but the world is changing and as such, we have to evolve and be our best selves. We have to evolve now from caterpillars into butterflies and share our light and love with everyone. I wish I could just come over and give you a massive hug man. I love you bro. Stay strong.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good work blue!  I'm finding it takes a totally different mindset to run a whole day without any outside commitments.  A lot of self discipline, it's not easy.

Thanks, squid! You're right, it's a whole new way of life, and there's no definite end in sight, so it's important to find ways to make it sustainable. Not sure I've found that way, yet, but I'm getting there. Learning and adjusting each day.

Hey Blue, I?ve been away for a while but just wanted to drop in and say I?m with you, and we are all with you. These are bizarre times, and we?re all having to process a lot of emotions right now and stay clean which is a massive challenge. I truly believe that this is a chance for change. Any day, as you always so wisely say, is a chance for real change, but the world is changing and as such, we have to evolve and be our best selves. We have to evolve now from caterpillars into butterflies and share our light and love with everyone. I wish I could just come over and give you a massive hug man. I love you bro. Stay strong.

Thanks, man! I really appreciate it. We really are all in it together, and that's good to remember. It is a chance for real change: there's nothing else standing in our way. Thanks for the long-distance hug, right back at ya!

11/30

Still chugging along. Maybe a slightly better day than yesterday, making some small adjustments here and there. Took some time out this afternoon to read and do yoga, just to reset when things started falling flat. I'm trying to keep as many routines in place as possible, sleep, workouts, etc. But there's also just a lot of time and not a lot of motivation, from the conversations I've had with friends in the last few days, that seems pretty common. We all know we have things to do, but we're having a hard time doing them. It's probably okay to slow down.

I'm just trying to keep track of what is and isn't working for me during the day. Too much screen time is definitely my issue right now. There just doesn't seem like there's much else to do, but it leaves me feeling depleted. It's all learning, and learning leads to progress. The good news is that I'm staying clean and not feeling strong cravings or anything right now. That helps.

Here's to a good tomorrow!

 

[Kraken]

I've noticed that screens leave me depleted too blue.  I always I I'm going to relax instead of telling people I'm gaming.  But, it's actually not relaxing, many times I get stressed and tight and tired.  It's a mind shift because you think just sitting  watching or playing is rest but it's not really.  That's something I've noticed.  Walking, baths, yoga and sleep actually recharge me.

 

[faenoe]

I am right with you there on too much screen time being draining. Today I was trying to work on homework but I couldn't bring myself to transition straight from mindlessly scrolling through the internet to working on homework. I decided to get up and cook for a bit (since I had the entire day still) and then use that as a kind of context switch and then go into homework. It really made a difference.

 

[wecandoit]

I am right with you there on too much screen time being draining. Today I was trying to work on homework but I couldn't bring myself to transition straight from mindlessly scrolling through the internet to working on homework. I decided to get up and cook for a bit (since I had the entire day still) and then use that as a kind of context switch and then go into homework. It really made a difference.

Too much screen time can lead to problems. It causes stuff like problems with concentration, attention etc. Of course, porn is so close when you are in front of a screen. It's better to do real things in the real world. Computers and cell phones have their use but I find it better to use them only for a purpose, not mindlessly.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks for your input on screens. I'm right with you all on them. It's tough when routines get disrupted and the government tells you not to go outside unless its essential (and it's raining a lot). It's not so much that I'm turning to screens because I want to but because what else is there to do? Now, even school and work are on screens. I'll figure it out. Maybe I just need to take more breaks.

15/30
Still just doing the best I can with all that's going on in the world and all that isn't going on inside my place. It's been weirdly hard to get motivated to do anything, and it's been even weirder how I just lose track of time. Like I think I'm going strong and and on track and it's already an hour past dinner time and I didn't get anything done. But everything is weird right now, and it's weird for pretty much everyone.

At least I did get some homework done tonight, and I had a video call with some friends earlier in the day. Still screens, but it's the only way I can connect to other people right now.

It looks like there's going to be a break in the weather tomorrow, so I'm going to try to get out for a long walk in the morning. Just to get some of this stagnation out of my system.

I'm supposed to be "living my best life" during these 30 days, and I guess I am, given the circumstances. Things definitely aren't going the way I thought they would, but I'm doing what I can to roll with the punches and make the best of it. And each day can be better than the last, and that's what counts.

 

[Kraken]

Sounds great blue, connecting with friends and walks are the best.  Thanks so much for continuing to post and reply to journals.  I always look forward to your thoughtful input.  And to everyone else too on here, what a great community. 

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks, squid! I appreciate the comment. It feels like everything in life is moving slower now, and it's harder to keep track of time. It's good to have a reminder that there people out there who have my back. Even though everything else has changed for now, posting here can stay pretty much the same.

18/30

I guess the good thing about living in a quarantine timewarp is that making progress toward 30 days is coming pretty easy.

That said, I did have a pretty vivid porn dream last night that had me in bad headspace this morning, but I just kept reminding myself that the last time I looked I didn't find anything that I'm really hungry for. It's all a cheap knockoff of the connection I really want. The appeal is a lie.

The weather was nice, so I got out again and walked for a little over 3 miles. It felt good, and it got my head in a much more balanced place for the rest of the day.

I'm making slow progress to finding a sustainable way of living in increased isolation with less to do. Dusting of some hobbies, making slow progress on some things (where I was making no progress before). Taking steps, and that feels good.

It's already almost been another week. Here's to a great tomorrow!

 

[Kraken]

Today's a brand new day!  What hobbies are you getting excited about?

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It sure is! I'm working my way back into learning about video editing, finding time for reading for pleasure, even practicing my handwriting, lol. When you're stuck at home all day for days on end, it takes some creativity, lol.

19/30
Another round of porn dreams followed by some shaky thoughts/urges during the day. Nothing too intense, but still something to be wary of. I feel pretty stable overall, but boredom could end up being a trigger for me if I'm not careful.

I spent a lot of time catching up on email today. There's just so much of it these days that it feels a little overwhelming to even start, so it piles up until I really have to deal with it. Well, I dealt with it today, so I can hopefully be a little more proactive moving forward.

I feel like all the upheaval at school/work/church/everything lately has really affected me in ways that I didn't fully realize, but I feel like I've turned a corner for the better the last couple days. I'm not like a productivity superstar or anything, but I'm getting things done, a little bit at a time, and that better than the last couple weeks. All progress is progress.

Lots of storms in the forecast for tomorrow. We'll see what the day brings. I'll stop by the grocery store, but I don't have high hopes. They've been pretty cleaned out the last couple weeks.

Off to the adventure of the weekend!

 

[faenoe]

Good idea to catch up on stuff you've put off. I feel like these are just such strange times and with the future so opaque, it's even weirder to keep living in such fog. I think it's smart, like you say, to keep whatever things you can constant, like posting on the forum and keeping other daily habits. Dreams/sleep have put me in shaky moods in the past as well which is why I don't sleep with my phone in my room.

How has the latest patch affected you in ways you didn't fully realize?

I feel like for me, it took me some time to get used to staying inside and away from other people all day but I think I'm starting to get more used to staying home and productive (like it seems you are).

 

[Rebooter2019]

Blue, I was sorry to read about your relapse. As you know, I've had the same trouble recently, but from what I see you're doing better than me already.

Like faenoe said, these are strange and difficult days if you're used to socialise alot and do alot of "outside the house stuff" to help recovery! We both know how hard it can be to get back on track after a mishaps! Though, we can do it, no matter how hard it seems at first. Having a routine really helped when I first manage to reach 3 month and a half. That's what I lack the most. You seems to doing well in that departement, thus why you're at 19 days!

Anyway, I wanted to say "Hi" and say that you can do it man! You're really strong and you've proved to yourself countless time in the past!! Keep going on

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks for kind words, faenoe and Rebooter! It's definitely nice to come back after a week or so away from the forum and to land among friendly voices.

Today

Today has been a pretty good day. I went out for a walk, talked to some friends, worked on a website.

Last week, though, was not very good. This isolation swallowed me whole. I binged hard (P and edging) last Tuesday and then messed up again on Thursday. The sort of old pattern of getting stuck where I shouldn't be all night and then realizing it's already the next day and trying to pick up the pieces. It was really frustrating, and it definitely feels like a trend in the wrong direction. After I goofed up during the holidays, it has been hard to get back into a rhythm. After all that happened, I just wanted to take a few days to be alone with my thoughts and feelings and to figure out where I go from here.

Insight #1: this quarantine stuff is hard. I'm not a very social person, but it is crazy how having no human contact really affects me. But this quarantine is also a great opportunity. When else have I had or will I have days on end to think deeply about my life and my recovery and to have nothing else in a day but to learn and practice healthy thoughts and feelings? This is my chance. This is the chance to dig deep and untangle some knots in my soul, so to speak. That's what I'm going to do.

Insight #2: I ran into something online last week that said if you want to break a habit, you have to make a habit. That made a lot of sense to me. So much of my life has revolved around stopping porn. What if it were built on pursuing something good instead? I can quit PMO and still have an empty life if I make quitting my only focus.

I know I have some concerns about streaks and perfectionism, but  also know that that has worked for me. So I'm starting again small, 14 days clean. But I'm also starting counters for other good habits, working on doing things like writing in my recovery journal every day, stuff like that. Maybe, at this point, I can leverage those perfectionistic tendencies to gain some ground and then deal with them when things have settled down.

Insight #3: Porn only gets me when I'm feeling bad about things or when I get hit with a disappointment. Life is pretty universally hard right now, but it's not the slow grind that broke me (it might have weakened me). What got me, I'm pretty sure, is that I went on a walk and the trail was flooded so I couldn't do what I was planning on. Cue urges and relapse. The last relapse I had was because I had a bad experience in class. When I see life as fundamentally difficult and miserable, it's much easier to turn to PMO for escape. I really want to work on the way I see the world. Porn isn't that interesting when I'm happy and I think things are going well. Gratitude and optimism are at the top of my list for things to work on.

So, I'm only on day 4/14 right now, but that's okay. This is a rare opportunity to do some real work and not just skate by while everything else is busy. I don't know how long all this isolation is going to last, but I want to take advantage of it while it does, not just waste it with binges and pointless media consumption.

Onward and upward!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Decent day

I felt a little crazy today, kind of cooped up and with extra energy in the morning and early afternoon. That sort of crashed toward the end of the day.

Got some things done, but not everything I wanted to do. Cooked, did homework, talked to family. Kind of just feeling weird, but that's how things go these days.