Day 140
RELAPSE 
On day 138 me and my wife who are living together but just for convenience at this point, relationship died several years ago. We have no real firey attraction to each other. Anyway we attempted to make love again. Nothing down there happening AT ALL. She suggested ED pills again, which I had taken in the past and while they had some small effect, nothing strong enough to have sex with last time I tried.
I never used them this time with the wife. After so long, expecting some small improvement, it was just depressingly lifeless in bed, it's never be embarrassing before really, this time though it was. I felt like it had gone beyond PIED.
No urges to watch P. Just the usual weird flatline where I am appreciating the females shape. I felt definite physical movement when openly flirting with a work colleague a week or so ago. Like that twinge I used to get way back, before it got hard.
So, the two days following this attempted sex really
REALLY got me down. When the time comes to begin my own life again - how am i EVER going to be able to engage in a relationship - it has been 140 days of Flatline with a couple of 30% E after wet dreams. i literally felt impotent.
My health is ok, average. But I was concerned if this was now something i needed to seriously have a look at. I decided to do the test https://youtu.be/ltIjTeDKIh4 (never do the test at this stage - at least not how I did) If I can get an E to P, but not with hand, I likely have PIED? I believe the test says? It has been SO LONG with little life down there. I attempted M with no P. Nothing at all, just limp...
So I just did it, just now, I watched P for the first time in 140 days, and had PMO and i got to about 65% E. Which is the hardest it has been since the last time I watched it. So it's definitely PIED. The brain is powerful, i was so consumed with fear, and even felt embarrassed in front of my wife I was convinced it was more serious then PIED. I was considering testosterone tests and all sort (which I may still look into)
I maintained a strong E while watching, then within 5 minutes or so it went limp again. Oh, I had also taken Sildenafil 100mg, to attempt the M without P by myself tonight to see if it was still worth it. So I still had the effects of that when PMO.
So I have for the
second time, ruined my progress - but two good things have come of it. I can share the story with you brothers, and hopefully it may help some of you guys stay on the path. It was taking so long - with such tiny steps. I feel the attempted sex with my wife, and then M on ED Pills and still no success pushed me over the edge. I had to see...(which is my brains way of convincing me to look at P again - i'm guessing??)
Watching the P was unsatisfying, as soon as the initial rush which gave me a 65% E had gone after a few minutes, it was back to the same limp lifeless PMO. By the end of the session with a pleasure less O - I felt like a failure. Never have i climbed a mountain so high - to fall so low. 140 days man...
sigh
So, back on it again. I know I can give up P, first time I went 90 days, second time 140. This next attempt starting from now 200.
I have to remember to look at this post so when I am deep in the reboot with NO signs, and get discouraged - I have to remember that it's PIED, nothing else, no need to test, I just did that, and my thing works at 65% with E Pills if it's P, but not if it's just M. I hope I make it.
I'm signing out for a while, perhaps another 90 days or maybe the full 200, will hop in now and then to try and encourage others if I can. Genuinely feel really down at the moment, but that's no different to most of the guys here reading this, my case isn't special. Thanks for all your encouragement. I will be back. I'm goin for 200
Let me confirm, any thoughts you guys close to relapsing may have of an incredible PMO after all this time? for me at least - it just wasn't there.
Reset the counter, and back on it. Good luck everyone.
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Update next day: After waking in the morning I had an E of about 70% strength, strongest in as long as I can remember - could have attempted Penetration with it I think.
It wasn't morning wood, as I had been up for a few hours. It was recollection of the P I had watched the night before. Almost in a sad way, watching the P had given it some kind of life again. Which is of course what we are all trying to avoid.
P has really really messed my brain up - great to know I work. As in its physically possible for blood to flow there etc. Just devastated im still so beholden to P. The long road starts again...
