My wife is worth it

[workinprogressUK]

Nevertheless here I sit, 45 days clean of PMO.  I'm truly thankful I have a partner to help with the rewiring process.  Kinda sucks she has no idea she's participating but it's better for me this way.  Not trying to sound too selfish but right now it is about me.

Congrats on keeping yourself with the program and achieving real success. I'm in a similar situation with regard to having a partner who doesn't know that I'm rebooting. It does kind of suck to hold that back, you're right. But I think you do have to be a little selfish for a while until you've made a breakthrough. I'm trying to be a good in other areas of our relationship, because I can see her wondering why I'm not being physical. I just hope that staying "hard mode" for as long as I can helps. Wishing you every success.

 

[Corey_Balboa]

Hey guys, congratulations for your strong will, you are an inspiration for me.
I quite agree that unless we feel the need or that the work we ae doing here is changing dramaticaly our behavior, our SO shouldn't get involved about it. Sometimes because we deal something that is older that even our relationship, in order to understand you need to have the big picture. But as you said Beerman, I think that your partner is part of the recovery process. I really think that such a change brings us some kind of energy that is beyond our control or understanding. I see changes in the way I interact with people, but also the way I look my love one. Keep showing us the way !

Nevertheless here I sit, 45 days clean of PMO.  I'm truly thankful I have a partner to help with the rewiring process.  Kinda sucks she has no idea she's participating but it's better for me this way.  Not trying to sound too selfish but right now it is about me.

Congrats on keeping yourself with the program and achieving real success. I'm in a similar situation with regard to having a partner who doesn't know that I'm rebooting. It does kind of suck to hold that back, you're right. But I think you do have to be a little selfish for a while until you've made a breakthrough. I'm trying to be a good in other areas of our relationship, because I can see her wondering why I'm not being physical. I just hope that staying "hard mode" for as long as I can helps. Wishing you every success.

 

[BeerMan]

Day 47

Thanks workinprogress and balboa for the kind words.  This is such a very personal and private topic.  It's nice to be able to come on here and share.  This forum has become like therapy for me in a way. 
I am so different at this stage in my life.  I now think and try to react to problems with more patience than I had even 10 years ago.  If I need something to go my way, I've learned not to force the quick solution.  I've learned being patient yeilds better results.  Just being married and a father for so many years has taught me that. 
One of the last AA meetings I went to a guy pulled me aside and said, "maybe you're not an alcoholic."  I was the most functional alcoholic ever!  I never missed work.  I always paid my bills on time.  I always tried to be present for my family.  Deep down though I knew I was an addict.  I could feel it controlling me.  I was letting it control me.  In the AA circles I was sharing how ultimately we, as individuals,  are in control.  You control the problem or you let the problem control you.  You can move mountains if you put your mind to it.  My marriage was on unstable grounds a couple years ago and for the first time divorce was on the table.  It wasn't because of drinking.  It was mainly because my oldest son was a shit head and emotional momma bear took his side always.  I think she threw in the fact that I drank every day to help justify her feelings.  She drank too but I never cared.  Long story short, my oldest son grew up a little and calmed down, then moved out.  The relationship with my son is great now and that made my wife calm down too.  We are now stronger in our marriage than ever.  I just had to take a step back, focus on the long term, and be patient.
What I discovered in that journey was the rush I got from taking control of my alcohol addiction.  It was almost like being sober became my new addiction.  Life was just better.  I focused on understanding that I WAS in contol of the addiction and only I was going to be responsible for the direction my life took.  I never did hit "rock bottom" because of PMO but I understand that it has been a major addiction I've had for such a long time.  PIED made me confront it and face it head on.  Only 47 days in and the results are evident.  I feel better mentally and physically.  I feel like I can be better partner.  The PIED problem seems to be correcting itself.    I no longer feel hopeless.  Sure PMO would be a fun way to kill the next 10 hours or so.  I do have the house to myself again today, but I absolutely would hate to throw all that time I've invested away and start over.  I would hate myself if I allowed that to happen.  I already hate myself enough for allowing this problem to continue for so long.  Kicking this nasty habbit is turning into my new obsession.

On a side note -
Tomorrow is Valentine's day.  Don't forget! 

 

[BeerMan]

Day 48

Work sucked today as usual.  Didn't think about pmo until I walked in the door.  Wife and kids won't be home until late tonight and my mind still automatically goes that direction when I know I can get away with it.  Kinda proud of myself though.  I have literally had hours upon hours of time to pmo the last 48 days but I've resisted.  Man I've really wasted a ton of time on that shit.  Pretty sure that temptation will be with me for the rest of my life.  I do still think about sex, like all the time.  I always thought about it before I gave up pmo and those urges haven't really calmed down.  In fact, I think they've gotten worse because I gave up PMO.  Porn was fun to look at and all but I'm pretty sure I was jacking off every day just to pacify myself until me and the wife could get together.  I do wish she wanted it as much as I do.  Her and my daughter are going away for the weekend on a trip they've had planned for a while.  It kinda bums me out because now I know it won't be for another week until we can get together.  Our only chance at alone time is always on a Saturday and even then it's hit or miss.  I'm just really eager to get down to business so I can see how I've progressed. Theoretically we should be empty nesters in 2 and a half years.  Then every day is fair play.   
I don't beg for it because that never worked out in my favor with her.  I've contemplated just MO but I don't want to mess up the progress I've made so far.  I don't know that it will, but better safe than sorry I suppose.

 

[BeerMan]

Day 49

I've been listening to some meditation music and supposed "healing" binerial beats on YouTube lately.  Not sure how effective the binerial beats are but I am liking the meditation music.  There are all kinds to choose from that tend to be condition specific.    Not sure why, but I've always felt somewhat inferior to practically everyone.  Most days my anxiety is through the roof.    I avoid people.  I feel completely shy and awkward around most people and I hate it.  I think it's social anxiety.  I overthink absolutely every situation, thinking of how many different ways it could go badly for me.  I feel like I need to hide when I'm in a room with just a few people even.  What's weird is literally no one else knows this about me except my wife and I know she has no idea the extent of it.  Our monthly meetings at work are an absolutely nightmare for me.  In the last 17 years I think  I only contributed once during a meeting and I remember it was just a few words and I literally felt sick to my stomach because every eye and ear was on me.  I know there's medicine that could help with that but I've seen what the dependency to thoes drugs has done to certain family members and I want no part of it. I have been feeling slightly better though since I gave up PMO.  Sounds weird to say that because I really don't understand what the connection would be.  I still have all the down time I had before when I'd pmo, but now I'm listening to more of the meditation videos.  I do feel more calm and relaxed throughout my day so maybe it's working.  I don't know if it's the relaxating meditation music, giving up PMO, or both.  I was just giving up PMO to fix my dick, but if it fixes my anxiety too, then that's a welcome bonus.

 

[BeerMan]

Day 50

Nice man!  I made it 50 days.  It is getting easier to ignore the urges.  A part of me is still kinda pissed though.  The world's most beautiful women are just a click away ready to fulfill my every fantasy and I can't view them anymore.  It's sort of like I gave up one of the good parts of life.  Oh well.  It's fixing my sex life so ultimately it's worth it.  I have been getting random semi-erections throughout the day now.  The leftover porn images flash through my head still too.  Not as strongly as they were a month ago but they're still in there.  I still have my VR glasses.  I still have the fleshlight too in its hiding spot.  I thought about throwing them away so I wouldn't be tempted but I don't think that'll help.  I know where to buy them so they could be easily replaced.  I feel like I have good control over this situation.

- powering through

 

[Corey_Balboa]

Day 50

Nice man!  I made it 50 days.  It is getting easier to ignore the urges.  A part of me is still kinda pissed though.  The world's most beautiful women are just a click away ready to fulfill my every fantasy and I can't view them anymore.  It's sort of like I gave up one of the good parts of life.  Oh well.  It's fixing my sex life so ultimately it's worth it.  I have been getting random semi-erections throughout the day now.  The leftover porn images flash through my head still too.  Not as strongly as they were a month ago but they're still in there.  I still have my VR glasses.  I still have the fleshlight too in its hiding spot.  I thought about throwing them away so I wouldn't be tempted but I don't think that'll help.  I know where to buy them so they could be easily replaced.  I feel like I have good control over this situation.

- powering through

Wow Beerman, congrats for the 50 days. it seems ages for me
Reading your message today, it reminded me the day when I got rid of my awesome porn video library. It had everything that really turned me on, around 2tb of mind blowing sex. The minute it took for deleting everything was pretty scary but it was done and looking back, quite easy yet effective, as a symbol of my change.
So regarding your fleshlight, of course you would be able to buy a new one, but keeping it seems to suggest that you could use it again, it's like you are keeping yourself a way back to your previous life and you stay kind with a part of you you want to erase. In my opinion, you  should trash it, yelling there's no way back and you're keeping all the fun for your wife. Do not even consider to fail, and if you fail, it's not a big deal. At least it is the way I see this change we're all in. Destroy this motha fucka and celebrate with your miss ! ;D

 

[BeerMan]

Day 51

Thanks for the reply Balboa.  I probably will throw out that fake vag eventually.  The last time I had a collection of porn was probably 19 years ago or so.  I had some magazines.  I went to throw them out, but before I did, I cut out the best pics in all of them and kept them folded up in the 1 magazine I decided to hold on to.  The magazine I decided to keep was one from the 70's and I just thought it was cool.  My wife found it in my tool box in the garage and was super pissed when she opened it and found all the cut outs I was hanging on to.  I never really kept a collection again.  Even when the internet came around I was always nervous to keep a collection for too long in fear she would find it.  She's pretty smart and I didn't want to chance her finding a hidden folder.  When I started using a smartphone it just became too easy fo find exactly what I wanted.  If I did download a video, I never kept it for more than 24 hours.  Streaming was the way to go.  I am really amazed how far porn has evolved.  Before I quit, I was able to strap on a pair of virtual reality goggles, break out the fleshlight,  and have a 360? view of any girl, or multiple girls, in any sex fueled fantacy scenario my perverted mind could conjure up.  Seriously how much better could it get?  I am so grateful I didn't ignore the damage it was doing as soon as I started showing symptoms of PIED.  Also, as easy as it was to find porn, it was equally as easy to find the solution to my problem.  The internet is full of good things too.  YBOP truly opened my eyes.  I am also lucky to have a SO.  She is my motivation even if she's unaware of it. 
Now, we are going to bob evans for breakfast before the church crowd gets there.  Have a good Sunday.

- powering through

 

[BeerMan]

Day 52

My wife and I got together TWICE yesterday and both times I had zero problems rising to the challenge.  It caught me off guard too because it was a Sunday and we had kids in the house.  It was her idea and we had to be quiet and quick about it.  This pleases me a great deal.  The problem I see now is I'm exploding within a minute after we get going.  I'm okay with it but I know she's not.  Both times she didn't finish, where before she'd finish a couple times before me.  I think when I was MOing every day it helped with my stamina.  This creates a whole different problem I need to focus on. 

- powering through

 

[BeerMan]

Day 53

No PMO, no MO for 53 days.  That's a damn good stretch.  The addict in me is curious if I could still dabble with porn just a little now.  I hate thinking this way because I was so pissed when I discovered porn caused my ED.  I've had several successful sessions with my wife now so I'm confident the PIED issue is cured.  I'm just so damn horny most days.  I'm still resisting the urge but it's starting to become more difficult.  Honestly a part of me wants to experiment to see what "safe" amount of porn I can ingest without suffering from PIED.  PMO every day for 20ish years lead up to ED issues, but what if I cut down to 1 or 2 days a week?  I can close my eyes and still see some of the best VR girls flashing through my head.  I don't want to, but it's like they are just a part of me now.  I've read how others have relapsed and said you just have to get back on the wagon and stay strong.  However,  I haven't read anywhere that the PIED issue was fixed but returned if they did relapse.  I'd be curious to hear any thoughts on this issue.

See what I'm doing here?  The addict part of me is trying to to find a way to hang on to my drug.  Pathetic huh...

- powering through

 

[Corey_Balboa]

Hey beerman,

Your walkthrough is so encouraging. Being able to get rid of your PIED in 50 days gives hope to guys like me. I guess that it's not just about being safe facing P. It is a page we have to turn, get rid of the old habits. We'll probably have to deal with our fantasy world we have been feeding during all those years. It won't go away, that's a fact.

You and your lady seem to have a healthy relationship even if she is away some time. Maybe there even more to build, to imagine with her. Sex with the one you love is far more promising than checking some P with a VR stuff. Like you, i'm always horny, I get turned on with nothing. But I think the sex life with my partner will get even more creative and somewhat more healthy because it is base on truth. I mean MO is not cheating, but you re giving all you got to your SO with no fear that you get caught in some stupid and humiliating situation. But we are thinking about sex all the time, it's why we get to so uncanny conclusions. It'll change one day hopefully.

 

[Reboot_]

We are sexual beings. Period. Sure some religious figures say they have no sexual desire, but it more likely that they manage that fire better than the rest of us. All of us have desires of some kind of form. Why else do you get hungry and need food? Why else does it feel so good to get to bed after a long day?

That being said, I feel that the life of the female is much more rewarding than any human made contraption. VR, jet propulsion, rockets, or any such intelligent design from humans has been unable, for me, to replace the life of the woman. As my dad says, "can't live with them, can't live without them"

Best, Josh

 

[BeerMan]

Day 54

Yesterday was probably the roughest it's been since I gave up PMO.  The urges let up a little after I read the comments from Reboot and Corey so I thank you guys for that.  I drank for 20 years and at this point alcohol seems like it was easier to quit than porn.  My mind stopped focusing on it as soon as my wife and kids got home.  I'd like to think I am strong enough to resist temptation so here's to hoping.  Got the house to myself again today.  I am a person who likes to stay busy.  It's easier in the summer.  I am building an appartment above my garage and I started it a couple years ago.  I am building it for my kids to use for 1 year after they graduate high school.  I originally started it for my oldest as a bribe to finish school.  He wanted to move out since he was about 15 and his grades were suffering.  It worked and he improved his grades and attitude for a while when I started building it, but his senior year he said fuck it and quit anyway.  Kind of a bummer but he chose his path.  Him and his girlfriend moved literally 2 minutes down the street.  My youngest son is on track to graduate in May and he is going to take advantage of it so I need to get it done.  He's not sure what he wants to do but saving his money for a year sounds appealing to him.  He might get to use it for 2 years because my daughter is only a sophomore this year.  She's talking about college right after high school though and the school she wants to go is near where my wife and I have some property and a nice little house.  It's our little get away spot out in the country.  We bought it about 7 years ago.  She wants to stay there so she won't want the appartment.  We aren't very strict parents I don't think.  It's just my kids are at the age where fleeing the nest sounds more appealing than living with the parents.  My garage is detached so at least if they move out to the appartment they'll still be close and my wife and I can help if they need us. 
Regardless,  I think I'll use my down time to get it finished.  I already work out, but building stuff is a good way for me to keep myself focused on something besides fucking porn.

- powering through

 

[BeerMan]

Day 59

Still no PMO, no MO, and just O with the wife.  My urges to look at porn are slowly fading away so that's a good thing.  Just a week ago I was ready to view a little bit to see if I could handle it.  Glad I didn't.  For me, the results are better than I expected.  The one change I'm not a fan of is now I seem to be quick to release.  I've always liked to take my time with my wife and savor it for as long as possible.  Our session last Saturday I just focused on other areas for a while which helped to prolong.  She was satisfied twice so, mission accomplished.  Here the last few weekends she has been the instigator too!  It was usually the other way around.  It's nice not having to worry about whether or not my dick is going to work. 

- powering through

 

[workinprogressUK]

Great progress BeerMan! Congrats.

 

[BeerMan]

Day 61

Had a couple very real erotic dreams last night.  That never usually happens to me.  Not sure, but I think my brain is wanting to keep the fantasy of porn alive.  I woke up, browsed Facebook,  and kept thinking how easy it would be for me to fulfill that fantasy.  Got the house to myself again all day.  I won't do it.  Not gonna lie though, it does sound enticing. 
Still working on the appartment above my garage so I am going to direct my energy there today.  Off to Menards I go...

 

[BeerMan]

Day 67

The wife and I wasn't able to mingle this past weekend.  The stress of raising teenagers got the majority of our attention.  I do love my kids but damn they can be cock blockers sometimes.  Kinda bummed about it because we'll have to wait another week now.  I've always felt like I had a very hyper sex drive, but I didn't realize just how bad it was until I stopped PMO and fapping altogether.  Seems like every little thing now is a potential trigger.    I listened to an ASMR video earlier today.  I knew better because when I first started this journey I stumbled on one of thoes videos and had to quickly turn it off because within about 5 minutes of listening it made me want to click over to pornhub.  I won that battle and didn't thankfully.  Against better judgment I did listen to one today and it made me feel good.  I didn't jerk myself to completion afterwards.  Hell, I didn't even touch myself.
The difference is I feel so much stronger and it seemed easier for me to say no to anything more than that.  My brain and my body still desires the need to feel good in between the sessions with my wife.  I can't walk through life blindfolded.  I can't rid my life of every trigger either.  If I see a pretty girl the internet, now I just accept the way it tends to excite me, and just keep scrolling. 
I seriously can't believe I've made it this far.  Just yesterday I was in my garage working.  I looked at my phone and thought how easy it would be for me get all the VR girls I wanted right now.  House to myself and no one would know.  Feels good getting this shit under control.  I took away all fapping so I guess that's why the ASMR video made me feel so good.  I don't want to cut out all pleasure in my life but I think I'll leave that stuff alone too for the time being.  I've made pretty good progress and I don't want to create any speed bumps.

- powering  through

 

[Corey_Balboa]

Hey beerman,

We thought that the most difficult would be at the beginning to break the habit, but hell no, triggers are everywhere and we have to cope with it. I'm starting to understand that we won't change, our sex drive won't change, there won't be a magical change in our minds, the only thread we will hold on to is a belief that our sex life must be based of our relationship. As you wrote it at the beginning, the love of our life is worth it.

 

[BeerMan]

Day 75

Overall I'd say things have progressed well for me.  PIED is gone which was my goal.  I only had to take 1 cialis pill in the beginning.  Sex with my wife has only been better each time since then.  No more performance anxiety.  Our session this past weekend was amazing.  I do enjoy how my body responds now.  All it takes is a little kiss or a touch and my dick is ready for action.  It's like it has a mind of its own now!  My body has never been this sensitive even before I started this journey. 
This past week or so I've caught myself browsing random shit online and stopping to stare when a hot chick pops up.  I can't help it I guess.  I try to recognize it and click past as soon as I can.  It hasn't been enough of a trigger that I need to open pornhub, so there's that.  Pretty sure I can say I'll never go back to PMO.  It caused too much damage.  Giving up PMO I can control.  Noticing beautiful women I can't control.  Think I'll just forever be hardwired to notice beauty.  Even out and about during my day I can't help but catch myself starring.  It is a little easier to control that because women tend to think you're a little creepy if you stare too long.  Not wanting to send that vibe.  I think we all should recognize and thank the Lord that he didn't fill this world with all ugly people. 

Got the day off so I am going to work on the appartment above my garage.  My son graduates in May and he'll be ready to move in to it. 

- powering through

 

[J01]

New here.  Greatly encouraged by this topic.  Best wishes to all.