Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life

[blueRaccoon]

Thank you Rebooter and BlueHeronFan.
The relapse was worst and really shook me up. I have installed filters to make sure and restricted the laptop to a bare minimum so that I don't access porn over my laptop. Things were good even after that. I managed to get see some nudes somehow on two occasions,  though I did not follow exposure to MO but that guilt for me and for my brain, not receiving the pleasure which it usually got really made me go crazy. I was angry for no reason and there were plenty of negative thoughts. Somehow I initiated a conversation about it with my sibling in a cryptic way. The discussion turned from cryptic porn issue to some other issue, and it was heartfelt conservation. I felt good after it and things have been normal since then. I am yet to adopt a good lifestyle hence the problem is not solved yet. I will take the necessary steps in days to come.
Your support has something which kept me focused on the issue, prevented me from going crazy and feeling uncontrolled. This forum has always reminded me that this addiction is something I have to fight and win over and I can do that. Thanks a lot, guys. I won't be continuing to post here on a daily basis but once in a while, I feel this is to be a right approach for me for now as I want to minimize the laptop use. However, I still will be checking out your journals and do look forward to your support when I feel down.
All the best guys. We can win this.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Hey blueRacoon, it's awesome that you had a conversation about that even if it was cryptic! Sometime it's all that's needed to ease the mind.

The lifestyle is vital in my opinion. Get a good one and this addiction will be way easier to get rid of.

I'm happy if I was of help to you in your process of getting PMO free! I will continue as you post! Btw, I approve 100% to not post daily! I've been posting ever 2 or 3 days recently, mainly because I've updated my lifestyle and it's much better now! I'm currently on my 25th day and barely think about P. Thanks to my caution avoidance of the trigger and my improved lifestyle.

We'll be here if you need support brother

 

[blueRaccoon]

Things didn't change much. I haven't taken a single step forward since I left the forum for a while. I relapsed yesterday. I had been watching porn without masturbating to it for weeks before this relapse. It was really hard for me to come back here, I felt a bit of resistance within myself before I could say something. It feels like a confession to all of you that I have been doing absolutely nothing about this addiction. I might be ranting about this addiction now but I don't know what else to do. It gets tough to keep myself on the track all alone. I do not enjoy porn anymore, nor I deliberately wish to watch it but whenever I'm alone all I would do is watch porn while thinking somewhere in my mind that its not worth it anymore. I do not know what to do. I often try to act all strong and fake it for most of the time but inside I'm all confused and scared.

 

[achilles heel]

It was really hard for me to come back here, I felt a bit of resistance within myself before I could say something. It feels like a confession to all of you that I have been doing absolutely nothing about this addiction.

If overcoming this addiction was easy, we weren't all here writing journals online about how we can't quit by ourselves. Coming back is a sign of strength, of not giving up and not just accepting being addicted but trying to overcome this problem.

Start again, try to learn from your mistakes in the past and eliminate obstacles step by step. A relapse might even be helpful, if you identify the circumstances that lead to relapsing and change them.

Don't hesitate in using all restrictions possible, we're addicts, we're not in control and without changes in our enviroment we won't succeed because will power is not enough - otherwise it wasn't an addiction 

 

[blueRaccoon]

Thank you. I needed that.

 

[blueRaccoon]

I don't remember what attempt or days it is. So starting afresh with day #1

DAY #1

It wasn't clean. I masturbated without porn out of compulsion.

NSFW​

Yesterday I had watched porn and PMOed. Today might be a chaser but  I was fine until I saw something I had imagined I could make my flashlight with. I was immediately taken over by the impulses and started to masturbate using it. When I realized that it wasn't going to work as I thought it would, I humped a pillow and got myself relieved. After having orgasmed, I didn't really know what made me do it and was trying to figure out the trigger for a while and then recalled having seen that flashlight of mine. My brain getting on autopilot happens a lot with me and obviously, it is the addiction.

SAFE​

Another thing I need to confirm with you guys is that my brain seems to be always out of my control. I can not stop it from thinking things I don't want to (not necessarily porn). It seems to connect the dots very rapidly. I used to listen to songs a lot and my brain has this bad habit of bringing up the songs as per the situation I am in. When I relapse and feel guilty "I don't wanna live forever" by Zyan Malik plays in my mind, when I deeply realize my addiction the lines "When I finally got sober, I felt 10 years older" from "I took a pill in Ibiza" plays. Another thing with my brain is that everything seems to leave a deep impact if I watch porn for the day, it will keep on popping up in my brain and I would dream about it too. Similar things happen if I study for the day, watch a movie or do something, else, those activities would stay for the day and my brain would connect everything with them and try to bring the memories of it. I think these all are the result of porn.
Have you had similar experiences?

 

[Lero]

It's happened to my anxiety a lot of times. It was like I knew what I had to do to calm down my anxiety but no matter what I tried, it didn't seem to leave me alone. Probably because the brain was fried with all this fucking P. I can't wait to see how my life will be without this stupid thing in it.

 

[achilles heel]

My brain getting on autopilot happens a lot with me and obviously, it is the addiction.

...

Have you had similar experiences?

Are you getting enough sleep? I experience the same during the first month of rebooting when drunk or tired, my guards are low and the brain switches to autopilot. When I further advance in days clean my self control increases.

Is it possible for you to avoid situations where you go "autopilot"? Do you have emergency strategies to leave home and go for a walk when that feeling arises?

 

[blueRaccoon]

I am having trouble sleeping since 2 days mainly due to anxiety, my sleep cycle has been shifted by 2-3 hours.

DAY #2
Clean.
I talked to one of my friends for nearly 2 hours out of anxiety.

DAY #3
Relapse

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #1

Clean.