Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #30

No MO but came across a nude.

I couldn't sleep last night, maybe I slept for only 3 hours or so. The night was weird, I craved love, I felt this sudden need for someone to tell me that she cares for me, that she loves (platonic) me. That "she" was one of my closest friends, I haven't met her in a while nor talked to her. I thought I missed her and started texting her, I told her that  I miss her and that she means a lot to me  but when I didn't get the reply which I was accepting (just the  reciprocation of feelings), I felt that I do not miss her I just wanted to hear that she cares about me, that there are people who care about me. The rest of the night was filled with similar thoughts. There's a big hole inside me which craves loves, but no matter how many people I put inside it, it keeps on expanding. Unless I love myself, I won't be able to love anyone else or to appreciate the love others are giving to me. When I woke up at 4 am in the morning with these thoughts, I wasn't able to fall asleep again. I stayed awake, started studying. Around 9 am, I called another friend of mine just to wake her up and wish her a good morning (that's it). It felt pretty good. I called one of my guy friends but of course, that asshole preferred to sleep instead of picking up my call (as expected of him). Overall it was a good experience, I don't know why I did it, It felt like my brain was on autopilot but it felt good.

I went to the class, came back and met a few friends.
I came back home, opened the messenger on my laptop to text one of my friends, her name is the same as that of one of the actresses. While typing in her name in the search bar, the messenger showed a channel named after the actress, I clicked the channel, that channel had a morphed image of the actress, my brain went all YEAH!! I searched for 2 more actresses, the 1st one was clean and while searching for the 2nd one I closed the messenger before anything could have appeared. I do not want to count it as a clean day and I have to be careful about the rest of the day.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Yeah, be careful and keep yourself busy! Never forget that you have to love yourself, because you can't really love someone else if it's not the case.

When you don't love yourself, what you think of love toward other people is only the reflection of what you would like to have for yourself! It is only when you really love yourself that you can give it to other!

Stay strong, my friend!! We're here if you need us

 

[15December18]

DAY #13

Clean with no cravings.

Slept well. No random thoughts troubling me. I have started to have some insights about my behavior and usual day-to-day actions. I never really paid any attention to them earlier but now I am able to easily notice them. It feels like my brain is always on alert to watch out for anything which "I SHOULD BE DOING BUT I AM AVOIDING" and one slight hint from the brain is enough to get me doing it most of the time. The next step is to make a schedule and get all the important things done which need dedicated time slots.
The rest of the day was normal, I was a bit productive as I was doing what I should have done.
Looking forward to the next day!

I too am sleeping better than I have since I started watching porn aged 13 or so. It is one of the simplest things and yet it improves one's quality of life immensely. Yeah ever since I started my reboot I have faced issue after issue productively, so much was hidden by those dopamine triggering videos. Good man with the schedules. I make a To-Do list every morning, and it means I get a lot more done. Keep the strength to resist temptation to PMO, and keep on this life enhancing path.

 

[blueRaccoon]

Thanks rebooter. At first, I couldn't really understand what it means to love myself, is it the treating yourself with the things you love or something else. I was never the guy to enjoy doing something alone, the movies, outings etc. were all with friends always and I liked it that way only, so it was always difficult to accept that the typical definition of loving myself. The version I have accepted for myself is putting myself first, I often did things for others if they wanted it and even when I didn't feel like doing it, now I am trying to put my choices first. If I don't want to do something, it's a no for them and that's not gonna change no matter what their argument is. I am trying to do things because I want to do it and not because I have to do it because of someone or something. It is something that I have started after the recent relapse and the thoughts I had. I hope to cherish this idea for as long as I could.

@15december18, I haven't been good with the To-Do lists or schedule, the only time I could stick to the schedule and complete the task at the hand was when I was chasing this certain goal of mine and was sure to achieve it, this was also the time when I was clean for over a month I guess. I hope to make a schedule for myself and stick to it. Thanks for quoting the older post, it reminds me of what I have to do. DO THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE DOING.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #31

2nd  Clean day

I slept well, a deep sleep took all the unnecessary thoughts away. Woke up pretty much clean, It felt like as if I was meditating while I slept. Thoughts were clearer and were focused on the right things- works and productivity. I didn't do exercise or meditation today but I am not worried about it much as I plan to take things slow this time. Later on, I went to the class, it was peaceful, I found my mind wandering very often from one chain of thoughts to others. This happens often but the new thing today was that I consciously noticed it instead of going with the flow and not being able to stop it. It is a quiet day but it feels good.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #32

3rd Clean day.

Just another usual day.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #33

4th Clean day.

Nothing much happened, was busy with the classes and some other work.
I have been watching animes(clean) lately whenever I am alone. I don't think it is a problem as I didn't have any urges and avoid getting the secrecy by keeping the doors always open. But somewhere I feel it is not the right thing to do, whenever I open my laptop to watch some shows a part of my brains says not to do it. Watching it when some part of me says no to is giving in to the urges and it has never been good to do so. I do not intend to watch animes (for the time being) but I do not know how to proceed with it. I haven't been doing meditation and exercise, so nothing has been achieved since the last relapse. I have confined myself to the comfort zone of mine and once something impeaches this zone, I know for sure I would fall back to the devil again.

I gotta be strong, I have to step out of my shell and win it.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Yeah, I've been watching a show lately(clean one). I feel pretty much the same about that because that's making me not meditate as much, but at the same time it makes me laugh... so I'm kind of mix about it!

What's bugging me is the impression of replacing an addiction for another. Don't if you got the same feelling? That's one of the reasons to why I don't really play video games for now... the other being that it is one thing that was triggering boringness!

Stay strong man!! You're well on the way!!

 

[Kaingang]

Good to know you're strong again after your chaser effect. For me this effect lasted for longer unfortunately, but I hope to return to clean days like you and have better days. Stay strong, man.

 

[blueRaccoon]

Thank you guys.

@Rebooter2019, Yeah, I feel the same way. Using substitutes ain't a good idea.

@kaingang, looking forward to your gains to brother.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #34

5th Clean day.

The day was nothing different. I didn't do exercise and meditation today and there were some urges but I was able to identify them and control them before they could have taken over the brain. I used my laptop for most of the time when I was alone. This was surely the reason for urges. I hope to fix that.

 

[Rebooter2019]

I used my laptop for most of the time when I was alone. This was surely the reason for urges. I hope to fix that.

That's the reason to why I haven't use my gaming computer in a looong time(around 1 and 1/2 month) I'm afraid it start to trigger cravings!...

My guess is that it would fix itself after long enough, when your brain won't be associating the laptop to P like me with my gaming computer!

Stay strong brother

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #35

6th Day clean.

Went to the class, came back. Instead of using the laptop, tried to rest for a while and let the things settle down. Had some fantasies going on as this one super cute girl in the class was interested in me. I have decided not to indulge in love, sex, relationships for a while. At present all the choices I make are influenced in these spheres are influenced by the P-addiction, so I think it would be best for me to keep them on hold till I get over this addiction or get clarity about them. While I didn't use the laptop as I used yesterday. I did access my facebook account, It was deactivated for a long time. I had the urge to talk to someone or rather to chat with someone, but none of my friends are in the city where live, I compulsively accessed the FB account. I looked at my timeline, it had the photos of my college days and I was happy to see them. Soon, I deactivated my facebook profile again, as there was no one I would really chat to there.

Though I used Facebook today without any real purpose but I do not have any regrets about it rather I feel happy that it brought back many memories. I do not plan to compulsively use it any further, real friends would be way better than that.

I haven't done exercise or meditation today but I plan to do them in the evening.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #36

7th Day Clean.

I wasn't feeling good for the last two days. I was having suicidal thoughts, not like "I want to die" but rather "please someone kill me". It was very difficult for me to maintain normal behavior. I bought a notebook dairy for myself and started writing my thoughts in it, though mostly negative but I believe it helped. I live with my sibling, she was going through some stress lately and to run away from that she started binging on some of her favorite tv shows. It made me very sad to see her using this wicked coping mechanism (as I do in form of P). It broke me. I told her to stop and face the problem but she resorted to them anyway. Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore and I cried while telling her to stop. It did stop her but also made me realize many things about myself. While telling her to stop I said: "You are the only person I talk to and get some sense of socialization, If you keep on watching the series, whom I would talk to, I am all alone". These lines were something I thought I would say, they came out from my mouth without my realization. She did agree that I am lonely, I got friends but I don't talk to them much, I do not hang out with anyone except her when she asks me to and it was a reality check for me. I never realized that whenever I claimed to have friends, it was nothing but people I had with me in the past and now they are gone. I was heartbreaking to realize this and it still troubles me. All the relations in life do not just happen, they need constant effort and time to stay strong. I ignored my friends and now they are gone, If I want to win them over, I need to put an effort into the relationships again. For now, I have decided two things -

Friday - Call a friend who is in a distant place.

Saturday - Meet a friend who is nearby.

Coming back today, as I have mentioned that I wasn't feeling good for the last two days, I decided to meet my parents today and went home as early as possible. Spent the entire day with my parents, realized that I tend to isolate myself from them too. I talked to my mother but wasn't that open to my father (nothing abnormal in the relationship, I'm just close to my mother). Nothing else happened, no urges, no cravings for today. I want to work on my relationships for the time being.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #37

P without MO

Things were going alright but I stumbled upon something then searched for hot pics(no nudity) then to visited some confession pages, some of the confessions were about their sexual life/secrets and it eventually was a P read for me. I did not dwell in them much but definitely exposed myself to artificial stimulation that too of erotic nature. Hence, counting it as a relapse and resetting the counter.

 

[Rebooter2019]

It can be hard sometime, but the good thing is that you didn't MO. Be careful for the next few days though!

You can do it man! I'm almost at 2 weeks now! If I've been able to do it! You sure can do it!! Stay strong brother!!

 

[blueRaccoon]

Thanks for the support rebooter. But sadly I relapsed again.

 

[blueRaccoon]

DAY #41

Relapsed
Day 38 was clean. On day 39 I relapsed and it was followed by the relapses on day 40 and 41 also. Don't wanna say anything more than that.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Doesn't matter brother! Get back with us, we're here with you! There's always hard moment! Get back up and busy so you can think about something else!!

Stay strong and don't beat yourself for the bump you may have!!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry to hear about the relapse! I had a slip this past week, and one of the things that I realized was that I always give up on the good things I'm doing when I relapse, as if I thought they didn't actually work. But I know that they all did help in different ways, so I'm trying to make sure I recommit to the healthy habits (meditation, planning, filters on my internet, etc.).

I don't know if I'm saying it clearly, but just keep at it! A relapse doesn't mean your efforts weren't paying off, so don't give up on the good you were doing. Just fill the gaps in your defenses and move forward!