C
changemylife
Guest
Addictions love depression/feeling down/negativity etc. There is a reason why addicts end up medicating them with their addiction.Pete McVries said:
34 years old and still addicted
- Thread starter KittyHawk
- Start date
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 12
Got a morning wood today. Didn?t last long and wasn?t 100% but it made me happy. It is a clear sign that I am healing. I still have urges and it is hard not to M/edge in the morning but the progress is clear. To motivate everybody who thinks about starting reboot and is discouraged by how long it takes, here is the list of positive changes that already took place in the last 3 days:
- way more energy in the morning
- brainfog is gone
- I get insane amount of things done on my days off
- thinking about nude nice women (as much as I am trying to avoid it) sometimes gets me aroused. The need for extreme P genres is gone.
Got a morning wood today. Didn?t last long and wasn?t 100% but it made me happy. It is a clear sign that I am healing. I still have urges and it is hard not to M/edge in the morning but the progress is clear. To motivate everybody who thinks about starting reboot and is discouraged by how long it takes, here is the list of positive changes that already took place in the last 3 days:
- way more energy in the morning
- brainfog is gone
- I get insane amount of things done on my days off
- thinking about nude nice women (as much as I am trying to avoid it) sometimes gets me aroused. The need for extreme P genres is gone.
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 14
Vau... I can?t believe I managed to go two weeks without PMO. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster so far. Right now I suffer from P flashbacks and sudden urges. I also noticed that the bar for what women I consider attractive is being lowered. Which is a good thing. Besides progressing to more extreme P genres, I typically escalate in the term of watching only ?perfect tens? and soon only specific types of perfect women with specific physical attributes that change in time as I crave novelty. That is almost gone now.
I have a day off today. That is typically huge trigger for me. I will try to stay as busy and off screen as possible.
p.s.: I still feel sadness sometimes when I think about not ever seeing my favorite P scenes ever.... I know that is not a good thing but nothing I can do about it right now. I can't control my feelings and I hope they will go away. I can get angry at P temporarily, by thinking about all the time that I wasted on PMO but that usually lasts for a day or so.
Vau... I can?t believe I managed to go two weeks without PMO. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster so far. Right now I suffer from P flashbacks and sudden urges. I also noticed that the bar for what women I consider attractive is being lowered. Which is a good thing. Besides progressing to more extreme P genres, I typically escalate in the term of watching only ?perfect tens? and soon only specific types of perfect women with specific physical attributes that change in time as I crave novelty. That is almost gone now.
I have a day off today. That is typically huge trigger for me. I will try to stay as busy and off screen as possible.
p.s.: I still feel sadness sometimes when I think about not ever seeing my favorite P scenes ever.... I know that is not a good thing but nothing I can do about it right now. I can't control my feelings and I hope they will go away. I can get angry at P temporarily, by thinking about all the time that I wasted on PMO but that usually lasts for a day or so.
Pete McVries
Active Member
I'm glad to hear about your success, mate. Keep going, one day at a time!
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 16
I am moody and still battle urges in the morning. It is so easy to get hard.
What I find very unsettling is that the urge to watch P or do PMO is still way bigger than the urge to have sex with my wife. That tells me I am far from being cured.
Today I received some good news regarding my professional career. I was happy but I still felt unstable and something in the back of my head kept telling me that I should reward myself with PMO.
I didn't do it though.
I am moody and still battle urges in the morning. It is so easy to get hard.
What I find very unsettling is that the urge to watch P or do PMO is still way bigger than the urge to have sex with my wife. That tells me I am far from being cured.
Today I received some good news regarding my professional career. I was happy but I still felt unstable and something in the back of my head kept telling me that I should reward myself with PMO.
I didn't do it though.
R
Reboot_
Guest
Keep it up KittyHawk. I am on the opposite spectrum than you after struggling since 2010. I have lost my wife to divorce in between that time. I remained away from porn use the whole time of my divorce. Now, I am seeking the life of a woman the most and my seeking for PMO and porn are practically gone.
Keep it up, you can do it - wherever you want to go.
best, Josh
Keep it up, you can do it - wherever you want to go.
best, Josh
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 17 without PMO
DAY 1 without MO
The cravings were impossible to resist and I did a short MO with no P involved. Definitely a setback as I planned to do at least first 30 days in hardmode but I am trying not to beat myself much for it. I can?t even remember the last time I went 16 days without orgasm...maybe never since puberty. I am just gratefull I didn?t binge PMO.
I am learning small things everyday about how to avoid my temptations.
DAY 1 without MO
The cravings were impossible to resist and I did a short MO with no P involved. Definitely a setback as I planned to do at least first 30 days in hardmode but I am trying not to beat myself much for it. I can?t even remember the last time I went 16 days without orgasm...maybe never since puberty. I am just gratefull I didn?t binge PMO.
I am learning small things everyday about how to avoid my temptations.
Pete McVries
Active Member
It's all good. A quick, innocent MO is nothing to be really worried about. Just make sure, you don't overdo it and focus on clean days. Keep going, man, you're looking good!
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 18 without PMO
DAY 2 without MO
I woke up with perfectly hard morning wood today. 8)
No urge to fap just my body returning to it?s healthy functioning. I am so glad. I take this as a confirmation that I am slowly healing from my PIED although I didn?t try to have sex with my wife lately and I don?t expect to be completely cured from it yet.
Thanks everybody for words of support. I am reading everybody?s posts even when I am not responding. (It is hard to work with quotes from my smartphone)
DAY 2 without MO
I woke up with perfectly hard morning wood today. 8)
No urge to fap just my body returning to it?s healthy functioning. I am so glad. I take this as a confirmation that I am slowly healing from my PIED although I didn?t try to have sex with my wife lately and I don?t expect to be completely cured from it yet.
Thanks everybody for words of support. I am reading everybody?s posts even when I am not responding. (It is hard to work with quotes from my smartphone)
KittyHawk
Active Member
19 DAYS without PMO
3 DAYS without MO
Urges are back. Also some nightmares and waking up too early.
Effects on my life:
I am working out way more often now and my muscles are growing.
I found a new job that I will start in a week and a half. More money per hour means I will be able to go back to school this fall and finish my degree.
I am in control now instead of being a tired bystander who just watches people around him achieving their goals.
I also cleaned half of my house.
3 DAYS without MO
Urges are back. Also some nightmares and waking up too early.
Effects on my life:
I am working out way more often now and my muscles are growing.
I found a new job that I will start in a week and a half. More money per hour means I will be able to go back to school this fall and finish my degree.
I am in control now instead of being a tired bystander who just watches people around him achieving their goals.
I also cleaned half of my house.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Beautiful. Keep going, it's worth it. Not only the end result but the journey. So many opportunities to learn and grow!
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 0 - RELAPSE?
(5 days since my last MO, 21 days since my last PMO, 0 days since my last PM)
Interesting observation - I had a strong urge to lie about me not relapsing this morning here on the forum. Considering I don't know anybody here personally and journal mostly to keep myself accountable, I find that really odd. I decided to do the exact opposite instead. Analyze it here and learn absolute maximum from this short slip. Yes...short comparing my typical bingeing. I PMed for "only" cca 20 minutes and stopped before orgasm.
Red flag #1 I didn't have to go to work this morning. My wife had to.
Red flag #2 I decided to bring my smartphone to the bed, assuring myself I will do non-erotic stuff.
Red flag #3 I decided to look at hot girls in bikinis ("just for a moment") and turn off the blocker to do so.
Red flag #4 I decided to look at naked hot girls ("just for a moment").
Red flag #5 I decided to look at nude non-porn video at porn tube site.
Before I know....I spend approximately 20 minute in PM mode... I stopped myself but I feel really bad now.
I've seen this escalation pattern thousand times before. Yet, I still fall for it from time to time. It is like my brain is on an autopilot.
I will return to reading YBOP daily (that ebook helped me the most).
I will increase my workout routine.
And I will move my smartphone even farther from my bedroom.
I hope I didn't loose all my progress. Before this relapse, I was having morning wood almost every day now.
(5 days since my last MO, 21 days since my last PMO, 0 days since my last PM)
Interesting observation - I had a strong urge to lie about me not relapsing this morning here on the forum. Considering I don't know anybody here personally and journal mostly to keep myself accountable, I find that really odd. I decided to do the exact opposite instead. Analyze it here and learn absolute maximum from this short slip. Yes...short comparing my typical bingeing. I PMed for "only" cca 20 minutes and stopped before orgasm.
Red flag #1 I didn't have to go to work this morning. My wife had to.
Red flag #2 I decided to bring my smartphone to the bed, assuring myself I will do non-erotic stuff.
Red flag #3 I decided to look at hot girls in bikinis ("just for a moment") and turn off the blocker to do so.
Red flag #4 I decided to look at naked hot girls ("just for a moment").
Red flag #5 I decided to look at nude non-porn video at porn tube site.
Before I know....I spend approximately 20 minute in PM mode... I stopped myself but I feel really bad now.
I've seen this escalation pattern thousand times before. Yet, I still fall for it from time to time. It is like my brain is on an autopilot.
I will return to reading YBOP daily (that ebook helped me the most).
I will increase my workout routine.
And I will move my smartphone even farther from my bedroom.
I hope I didn't loose all my progress. Before this relapse, I was having morning wood almost every day now.
Kittyhawk, I think you have a lot more experience online than me, I only ever took quick peeks at the beginnings of P, though I certainly have had a lot of MO experience in my life.
What is the point in speaking in code? I am genuinely mentally ill, I genuinely had a PMO addiction meaning that I genuinely looked at porn and masturbated to orgasm over it, even if as I say I got most of my stimulation from searching and stills, so the following may be coming from my self-delusions. My father had some experience with "nukes" and "spooks" working as he did as a technical practitioner in a military sensitive area at a university. Having always wished to be like my father, to have his amazing experiences, I have tried to engage with such vile people myself, although I am aware that police are necessary at all levels in order to maintain order and peace. It is still all about control, but then from your writing I get the impression you are just as interested in that as anybody else. I have no idea who you are, but I have intuition, call it psychic senses, third eye or whatever you want, yet it often serves me badly when I relapse into states of extreme confusion.
So why am I writing this. I think this is a safe place to write, or at least it has been, it has helped me very much, I have not PMOd in the literal sense since June last year, this is the reason I came here. Why did you come here may I ask, if that doesn't sound too accusative or paranoid?
I am aware that "spooks" use the internet too, they are only human, like politicians, or pop stars, or whoever, I said in a previous post that I didn't think diverse topics were helpful. P addicts need help and this place is a sanctuary that offers that. I hope it will remain that way. Thank you.
What is the point in speaking in code? I am genuinely mentally ill, I genuinely had a PMO addiction meaning that I genuinely looked at porn and masturbated to orgasm over it, even if as I say I got most of my stimulation from searching and stills, so the following may be coming from my self-delusions. My father had some experience with "nukes" and "spooks" working as he did as a technical practitioner in a military sensitive area at a university. Having always wished to be like my father, to have his amazing experiences, I have tried to engage with such vile people myself, although I am aware that police are necessary at all levels in order to maintain order and peace. It is still all about control, but then from your writing I get the impression you are just as interested in that as anybody else. I have no idea who you are, but I have intuition, call it psychic senses, third eye or whatever you want, yet it often serves me badly when I relapse into states of extreme confusion.
So why am I writing this. I think this is a safe place to write, or at least it has been, it has helped me very much, I have not PMOd in the literal sense since June last year, this is the reason I came here. Why did you come here may I ask, if that doesn't sound too accusative or paranoid?
I am aware that "spooks" use the internet too, they are only human, like politicians, or pop stars, or whoever, I said in a previous post that I didn't think diverse topics were helpful. P addicts need help and this place is a sanctuary that offers that. I hope it will remain that way. Thank you.
KittyHawk
Active Member
Georgos: I am not sure I know what you mean by your post. English is not my first language but I usually have no problem with reading comprehension. I am posting here in my journal for what I believe is the main reason this forum exists. That is to have another tool to make myself more accountable on my journey to break free from porn addiction. Some parts of your post really do sound a little bit paranoid. Only "code" that I am using here are abbreviations common in this community to make my writing faster. I am glad you were able to go so long without PMO. When you say you are genuinely mentally ill, I wish you a recovery and I hope you have some professional help. But let's keep my journal only about porn addiction.
Thank you for the reassurance, Kittyhawk. Accountability is important, I suppose what I really want is to become accountable to a higher authority than the NHS and the benefits office, but to do that I think I will have to prove myself worthy. At least here I am accountable to a community with similar problems. Hopefully the credentials will come my way. Thank you.
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 1 of hardmode
(Day 6 since last MO, day 22 since last PMO)
Another night of bad sleep. Funnily enough I still have more energy in the morning than when I was fapping during evenings and mornings. It feels like my yesterday?s short slip with PM did some damage but it definitely didn?t erase all progress. I can?t believe I had only two orgasms in February so far.
I am reading YBOP again and the part about neuroplasticity of your brain is definitely something I can confirm. As a teenager, I was visiting water parks with my family during summer. I was so excited to see all the women and girls in their swimsuits. Years later in my adulthood, I found out that I get slightly aroused just from smelling bleach. ;D Yes, you are reading it right. It was widely used to sanitize water parks and I assume that?s what created the conditioning. For me the bleach equals vacation time and women in bikinis. So imagine how hardwired the porn must be by now in my brain circuitry.
(Day 6 since last MO, day 22 since last PMO)
Another night of bad sleep. Funnily enough I still have more energy in the morning than when I was fapping during evenings and mornings. It feels like my yesterday?s short slip with PM did some damage but it definitely didn?t erase all progress. I can?t believe I had only two orgasms in February so far.
I am reading YBOP again and the part about neuroplasticity of your brain is definitely something I can confirm. As a teenager, I was visiting water parks with my family during summer. I was so excited to see all the women and girls in their swimsuits. Years later in my adulthood, I found out that I get slightly aroused just from smelling bleach. ;D Yes, you are reading it right. It was widely used to sanitize water parks and I assume that?s what created the conditioning. For me the bleach equals vacation time and women in bikinis. So imagine how hardwired the porn must be by now in my brain circuitry.
KittyHawk
Active Member
DAY 2 of hardmode
(Day 7 since last MO, day 23 since last PMO)
Hard wood in the middle of the night. I woke up too early with urges. I started touching myself to P-like fantasy and get hard immediately. I stopped myself after couple of seconds. Some 20 minutes after that, I saw my hot young wife naked in the bathroom but it did almost nothing to me as far as arousal and/or boner. This made me very sad. It made me feel like I made no progress so far although I know that is not true.
I know I have to stop even those really short episodes of touching/edging when I am waking up but so far I was unable to come up with an approach that helps. Maybe jumping out of the bed as soon as I wake up but when it is too early and I feel asleep it is hard to command myself.
(Day 7 since last MO, day 23 since last PMO)
Hard wood in the middle of the night. I woke up too early with urges. I started touching myself to P-like fantasy and get hard immediately. I stopped myself after couple of seconds. Some 20 minutes after that, I saw my hot young wife naked in the bathroom but it did almost nothing to me as far as arousal and/or boner. This made me very sad. It made me feel like I made no progress so far although I know that is not true.
I know I have to stop even those really short episodes of touching/edging when I am waking up but so far I was unable to come up with an approach that helps. Maybe jumping out of the bed as soon as I wake up but when it is too early and I feel asleep it is hard to command myself.
It seems to me like porn is all the West produces these days and people have forgotten the joys of art. People create fantasies to control the masses keeping them blind to the realities of shared existence. Visualising and affirming one's ambition for yourself and your partner is the key to taking that leap into the unknown of P free existence. Once you have done that you will find things start to open up for you and you can explore your relationship with life together on a more natural level. Peace.
KittyHawk
Active Member
Big cravings throughout the day. I opened P sites several times but stopped myself soon after. Makes me wonder if I made any real progress. I mean I definitely have more energy and I am more present in the moment than when I was in a constant dopamine/opioid brainfog but my addiction seems to be relentless. Can't be alone and especially alone on a computer. I will go work out right after finishing this post and take a cold shower after that.