A new beginning

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks guys! I absolutely agree Achilles, sometimes I try to shy away from the fact that I am an addict, and instead think of myself as a normal person that just  feels that no PM is beneficial for me. I guess the word addict does scare me a little, but I?ve started to realize recently that not only should I not shy away from that term when thinking of myself, but fully embrace that this ?flaw? actually can make me become a better person, such as being more accepting towards other people no matter what they are going through.

Nothing much to report, got triggered a little bit on snapchat earlier so I deleted it for the week. I?ve been mapping out mini-milestones and the next one is 15 days, and I?m on day 12 so 3 days to go!

Way to be! Small milestones are the only way I've gotten anywhere. And they add up!

Also awesome that you just dumped snapchat for now. There's no reason to keep something in your life if it's just serving you triggers. So much better to cut it out than think you can handle it!

 

[pichaelthompson]

Day 13,14: kind of disappointed I have wasted most of this day lying in bed and reading/watching videos. I didn?t get much/good quality sleep last night and I?ve used it as an excuse to be lazy. Not many urges thankfully, just feeling stressed but also still very tired. I?m going to try to do some work now and go for a run later, but hopefully I can learn from this and really make the most out of my time tomorrow. Atleast after today it?ll be one more day until I?ve completed 15

 

[rob24]

Day 13,14: kind of disappointed I have wasted most of this day lying in bed and reading/watching videos. I didn?t get much/good quality sleep last night and I?ve used it as an excuse to be lazy. Not many urges thankfully, just feeling stressed but also still very tired. I?m going to try to do some work now and go for a run later, but hopefully I can learn from this and really make the most out of my time tomorrow. Atleast after today it?ll be one more day until I?ve completed 15

Congrats on 2 weeks! I love to think it like this: as long as I'm not giving in to the addiction, every day that passes is helping me improve by distancing myself through time alone - even if those days aren't perfect yet, they're helping me improve and notice more stuff that was wrong - even without PMO, and might perhaps be the headaches and problems that made me turn to PMO in the first place. I was a very emotionally turbulent and obnoxious child, and there's a lot to deal with that I don't think I ever addressed there.

Of course there are other factors besides passing time, but that's how we learn! I learned to stop fantasizing because of this, and it's working for me. The insomnia too should pass. I had it because PMO was a bedtime ritual for years, and I experienced two waves of insomnia around day 2-6, then again after about the two week mark or so.

Great that you're identifying emotions you can manage! This is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, and really valuable. And exercise will serve you well! And don't worry about the little things. We identify them as we go through and make little changes to cut out new things that distract us, like social media which you mentioned you cut out in part, for me it's been switching songs in music playlists, and all those things that distracted us from bigger goals and long term visions we were too scared to face before. At least that's been my own experience, which might perhaps be of some encouragement. But carry on!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Day 13,14: kind of disappointed I have wasted most of this day lying in bed and reading/watching videos. I didn?t get much/good quality sleep last night and I?ve used it as an excuse to be lazy. Not many urges thankfully, just feeling stressed but also still very tired. I?m going to try to do some work now and go for a run later, but hopefully I can learn from this and really make the most out of my time tomorrow. Atleast after today it?ll be one more day until I?ve completed 15

Congrats on 2 weeks! I love to think it like this: as long as I'm not giving in to the addiction, every day that passes is helping me improve by distancing myself through time alone - even if those days aren't perfect yet, they're helping me improve and notice more stuff that was wrong - even without PMO, and might perhaps be the headaches and problems that made me turn to PMO in the first place. I was a very emotionally turbulent and obnoxious child, and there's a lot to deal with that I don't think I ever addressed there.

Exactly! Any day clean is a successful day in a lot ways. But I also understand getting to the end of the day and wishing you had more to show for it. I do that most days, actually. I think it's okay, though, to have a sort of empty, recuperating day every once in a while as long as you don't make a habit of it.

I feel you on the level of stress and tired. Take a day while you still can. You probably won't be able to do it again once school starts anyway.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Thanks for such an encouraging and thoughtful response, Rob! Yeah I totally agree with you that it?s important to keep the long term vision clear and available, so the little things seem less worrisome. At the end of every day, I tell myself ?I am a better man than I was yesterday, simply by deciding to not PMO.? That mantra has worked well for me so far.

Good insight, blue heron! I tend to get more emotional when I am continuing to build streaks, but that is because I can?t ignore my problems as easily as I could with PMO. The best way is to go forward and face them, but make sure that your mind is in the right place to face them effectively. If that means take a day off, do something stupid (that doesn?t lead to triggers and urges) it can be okay occasionally.

Sigh, another PMO dream....these have been coming pretty often on this streak, I think as a result of me thinking about resisting urges at points throughout the day. I?ve had to shut down several times my brain wanted to fantasize today, and I am willing to keep doing that and remain focused on my long term goals.  Nothing I can do other than throw myself into my work, exercise, and maybe reach out to a friend or two...

 

[Lero]

I've had two porn dreams too during this streak. With one of them, I woke up and it took me like 5 minutes to distinguish whether it was dream or reality. It felt that real. The dream was about me edging to porn flashbacks. I woke up and had this panic moment. "Fuck, man! I just edged to porn flashbacks! I've said I would stay away from this!" And then: "Hold on, man, what the fuck?! It was only a dream." Goddamn, man.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry about the dreams. Those have always seemed to be especially potent triggers for me. On some level, I feel like they're like an early warning system (I probably experience more triggers on the days when I have those dreams), but I also don't think there's a lot we can do to control them.

I will just say I can't remember how long it has been since I've had one, so stick with it and they should start happening less (if my experience is generalizable at all).

Here's to being better men tomorrow than we were today! (I like that mantra)

 

[achilles heel]

?I am a better man than I was yesterday, simply by deciding to not PMO.? That mantra has worked well for me so far.

Good point to remember when urges become unbearable, you can and will make it through! Those dreams will appear less and less if you stay strong...

 

[Lero]

Good point to remember when urges become unbearable, you can and will make it through! Those dreams will appear less and less if you stay strong...

I started with this "autopilot" in my mind, like someone had hypnotized me. "If urges start, you don't look for material!" And it became like a programming language. "If urges happen, the reminder comes up." I've been 1 inch from relapse everyday but the reminder kept intervening. "You don't search for any material, even the lightest stuff ever." It's hard but I'm still away from porn. I crave porn like crazy but I don't do anything.

 

[rob24]

The dreams are a really interesting point. I think those along with the overall tendency of your thoughts are huge points of progress. I think Blueheronfan is right about how the dreams will inevitably happen less and less as you go on. You and Lero helped me see that fantasizing willingly makes a huge difference. I've had about 2-3 dreams about sex in the last 30 days I can remember, and they've switched from a voyeuristic view to my own sight, and from general sex to sex with someone I know. Aren't you naturally supposed to have dreams about sex?

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I've been 1 inch from relapse everyday but the reminder kept intervening. "You don't search for any material, even the lightest stuff ever." It's hard but I'm still away from porn. I crave porn like crazy but I don't do anything.

Great way to put it. We're probably all an inch away from relapse. The difference now is that I keep that inch where it is. I used to spend a lot of time how close I could get, a half inch? 3/4 of an inch? without actually crossing that 1 inch line. But you can't get closer without getting pulled over.

Here's to staying an inch away and never thinking we can afford to get closer!

 

[Lero]

Great way to put it. We're probably all an inch away from relapse. The difference now is that I keep that inch where it is. I used to spend a lot of time how close I could get, a half inch? 3/4 of an inch? without actually crossing that 1 inch line. But you can't get closer without getting pulled over.

Here's to staying an inch away and never thinking we can afford to get closer!

Good way to put it, man. The place where addiction should stay at is where we don't look at any material, even the lightest stuff. This is how the addiction can't get closer. Everyday I have this feeling in my whole body that tells me: "An edging session right now will feel great," but I stay away from it because I am aware of it.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Yeah Lero I am exactly the same way with dreams, like it'll take me 5 minutes to convince myself after waking up that I actually didn't just relapse. The worst part is that in my dream I am edging and switching from different P videos every 5-10 seconds, which is like the worst thing you can do in real life. Rob24, I do think dreams about sex are pretty normal...but I've never had one where it's just me wanting to connect with someone, it literally always relates to P fantasies.

I'm doing okay....I had this realization last night where I am watching so much youtube and just being on my phone so much that I am forcing my brain to chase dopamine even though I am not PMOing or fantasizing. I really need to get back to taking my lessons to heart in my meditation and not just making my day a checklist where if I do good things, I get to reward myself however as long as its not PMO. This is not a healthy or sustainable way to live, as I am trying to replace one addiction with another less powerful, but still harmful one. So from now on, I'll pursue more things that calm my brain down more, so I can be more at peace with myself and not be thinking a million thoughts a minute when I am not stimulated enough. Listening to and discovering new music, reading, and just letting my brain be quiet at moments throughout the day when thinking is not needed will help me feel way better in the long run. Peace everyone.

 

[Lero]

Good reflections, man. Addicts many times subsitute one addiction for another. They don't drink anymore but binge on junk food etc. We have to be careful. I think a rest from any forms of dopamine releases that are not healthy is a good idea.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're still going along and reflecting meaningfully on your experience and habits. It's great to make sure that you aren't substituting one addiction for another. I definitely think I have a few things that I tend to fall back on (eating, devices/YouTube) even still, and I'm trying to work on those too.

We'll get it, just moving forward one day at a time!

 

[pichaelthompson]

My mind feels more at peace even through the small changes of cutting out youtube and just living out my meditations...much easier to fall asleep and got a good workout in this morning. I know this will not be easy, especially down the road, but I want to feel the stress of holding myself accountable so I will have the strength to face anything on the outside. Lets have great day today everyone

 

[Lero]

My mind feels more at peace even through the small changes of cutting out youtube and just living out my meditations...much easier to fall asleep and got a good workout in this morning. I know this will not be easy, especially down the road, but I want to feel the stress of holding myself accountable so I will have the strength to face anything on the outside. Lets have great day today everyone

That's right, man. Artificial dopamine stimulation fucks up the brain.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

My mind feels more at peace even through the small changes of cutting out youtube and just living out my meditations...much easier to fall asleep and got a good workout in this morning. I know this will not be easy, especially down the road, but I want to feel the stress of holding myself accountable so I will have the strength to face anything on the outside. Lets have great day today everyone

I know the feeling. Sometimes I end up spending the day at home and I get to the end of the day realizing that I have had something playing almost all day (I guess I get scared of the silence or something), and my brain feels fried. There's definitely something to getting away from constant input.

Here's to another great day!

 

[rob24]

Good calls everyone. Seconding this on the break from music and YouTube. I am one of those people who will play a song over and over until it's wrung out and I can't get any motivation from it anymore. I used music for energy, and I have nothing against music and I play a couple instruments, but the way that we consume our culture (playlists, YouTube suggested videos, etc.) has an addictive pattern about it. I spent a lot of time making YouTube videos over the last few years, and you're always trying to raise watch time. The site is literally designed to make each individual person spend as much time watching YouTube as possible. It's got incredibly good recommendations, but it's definitely something that can become addictive. I haven't tracked it, but I haven't used YouTube for much in about a month and I'm feeling very good and at peace.

 

[Lero]

Good calls everyone. Seconding this on the break from music and YouTube. I am one of those people who will play a song over and over until it's wrung out and I can't get any motivation from it anymore. I used music for energy, and I have nothing against music and I play a couple instruments, but the way that we consume our culture (playlists, YouTube suggested videos, etc.) has an addictive pattern about it. I spent a lot of time making YouTube videos over the last few years, and you're always trying to raise watch time. The site is literally designed to make each individual person spend as much time watching YouTube as possible. It's got incredibly good recommendations, but it's definitely something that can become addictive. I haven't tracked it, but I haven't used YouTube for much in about a month and I'm feeling very good and at peace.

I like to listen to classical music sometimes. It's a great break from all this crazy music today.