20yo w/ PIED, my journal to recovery

[mym8marty]

Day 6 done!!

Writing this an hour before midnight because I'm gonna be with my gf the rest of the day.

I went to take another nap today because I was feeling really sleep deprived, the kind you feel before you get sick. I didn't end up napping (ADHD meds make that a little difficult) but the time relaxing in the dark did help. However, I cannot stress enough how much I could feel myself teetering on the edge of relapse. Feeling down, stressed, and exhausted all lead to my brain seeking the comfort of PMO, and I was enabling those feelings by putting myself in a position where I could easily relapse: isolated, with easy internet access, already in bed. Like I said in an earlier post, this is the exact same context I would always be in when turning to PMO, and those brain pathways are STRONG. Fighting them was super hard, and honestly this is my second reminder since I started this journal that I really shouldn't be risking it. Maybe it's better that I'm putting myself in the same context but without the PMO and I'm rewiring my brain? But I think that's unhealthy thinking. It's always going to be better for me to avoid PMO and to avoid putting myself into compromising and vulnerable situations.

I did see something triggering earlier today. I had turned off the reddit filter I have on my phone to keep me off it during the day so that I could research something the night before, but I forgot to turn it back on. As a result I was mindlessly surfing reddit when something popped up (on /r/all, so it was just a mixture of everything popular on the site at the time) that was not necessarily porn but was definitely something that would have led me down the PMO path before. After seeing that I put the filter back on and got a move on with my day but it's been lingering in my head for forever.

Honestly this addiction is fucking scary. The fact that I am so weak to it, so vulnerable, and so easily manipulated by it is terrifying. I think everyone would like to THINK they're in control of their own behaviors, but ask them to stop something like PMO and it becomes clear how little they really are.

I know I cannot control my thoughts, but I can control my behavior, i.e. my reactions to those thoughts. I am strong, I am powerful, and I can get through this.

Tomorrow is day 7, which means 1 week! Exciting stuff. It's been a long time since I've gone a week without this, and I'm looking forward to breaking my previous best of 14 days. I think my goal for week 2 is going to be staying on top of my sleep schedule, as it has clearly had such a negative effect on me this week.

EDIT: BTW if anyone has good meditation techniques they recommend I would love to hear them. Thanks!

 

[mym8marty]

7 days done!

Feel like crap because I was drinking today though. Big party day at my school.

I had a dream while I was taking a nap earlier to sober up and I dreamed about watching porn. Really sucked to wake up from because in my dream I knew I shouldn't be doing it but I didn't stop. Obviously this was in a dream and I can't blame myself for it, nor do I count it as a relapse, but damn if it isn't super demoralizing.

Anyway, goal for this week like I said yesterday is gonna be staying on top of my sleep schedule. Going to bed in a bit, waking up early to catch up on some homework I skipped today.

 

[mym8marty]

8 days done

Last night was real bad. Finally fell asleep at 6:30am, I guess the nap I took and all the drinking really messed my sleep up. I was really tempted during this time awake and started to seek out porn, saw a few things but nothing too bad. I stopped and thought ?Is this really what I want to be doing?? and stopped there.

Today I saw my psychiatrist, talked about addiction and PMO and how it relates to my ADHD. Through that conversation I realized I am really bad with downtime, and not having stimulus at all times. She recommended having designated times where I?m not on my phone or anything else, just time where I sit and ?be?. Like eat a meal without doing something while, just eat. Not necessarily meditation, but I do want to give that a try.

 

[mym8marty]

At the end of 9 days I broke my streak.

I couldn?t sleep and I have had a lot of sexual energy since quitting that I didn?t know how to handle. I ended up doing PM without O. All of that energy is gone and I?m pretty upset with myself. Back at day 1.

Seeing a therapist through my school today. Going to talk to them about it and see how it goes.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Sorry to hear that man! The downtime to just be (not necessiraly meditation) sounds like a great idea. I may try that as well.

At the point I am at in my recovery, fantasying about porn (intensively) is a lapse and messes with me, which I did the day before yestarday. Yeah it does stink. But a KEY I have heard over and over, realize how shitty it is and how much we want to CUT IT OUT OF OUR LIVES but at the same time not being hard on ourselves....

Tomorrow is a new day and you're not alone in the struggle! Even with the lapse you're still progressing.

 

[mym8marty]

• Tomorrow is a new day and you're not alone in the struggle! Even with the lapse you're still progressing.

  
  Thanks for this! It is something I have to keep in mind, as when I get down about my failures it tends to be a downward spiral. Have to keep my head up and keep my eyes forward.
  
  
  I gave some thought to my relapse, and I heard some advice earlier that made a lot of sense to me: treat your relapse as a positive learning experience rather than a negative failure. So I wrote this list down:
  
  What Worked:
  • Leaving my room every morning and not going to my phone before I've left
  • Exercising (been doing some bodyweight exercises in my room)
  • Writing in this journal daily
  • Open communication/accountability
  • Having a deadline on my phone use at night (i.e. hard rule: no phones past midnight)
  • Eating healthy
  • Keeping up a sleep routine/sleeping enough
  What Didn't Work:
  • Giving into sugar cravings (last night started w/ eating a bag of swedish fish from the vending machine)
  • Gray Areas:
           
  • What constitutes a relapse?
           
  • Phone in bed at night, "just a little longer", not having that deadline
  • Intentionally missing journal entry (e.g. "I'll just do one tomorrow")
  • Allowing urges to linger
  • Fantasizing in a "healthy" way, entertaining my imagination because "it's not porn"
  • Pushing through insomnia by just staying in bed
  • Isolation & Napping mid-day
  
  What Could Help?
  • Mindfulness games/challenges
  • More cardio-based exercise on top of bodyweight exercises
  • Meditation
  • Planning for insomnia e.g. getting out of bed the moment its clear I can't sleep
  
  
  I'm going to try to shape my behaviors from now on with these lists in mind. #1 thing to remember is, I DON'T WANT THIS IN MY LIFE, so stop letting it back in.
  
  Will update tonight with my new Day 1 post.
         

 

[mym8marty]

Day 1 done! (Again!)

Quick update before bed since I got a lot of my thoughts out earlier. One big thing I learned today is if I am gonna use melatonin I should use a lot less (.5mg vs the 3mg recommended dosage on the bottle) because it?s causing me to have overly vivid dreams and wake up during the night.

Hard rule for the phone is midnight so that?s 5 minutes. Thank you all for your support and kindness.

Goodnight!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great list! I always find it uncanny how similar this addiction is in everyone. Literally the list is word for word what happens to me... Staying in the bed, the gray areas, eating junk food. Yup. Yup. and Yup all the things that would precede lapses. Then avoiding the phone, stopping checking it leaving the room exercise all the bomb. Literally everything on the list is how I have found it too.

Congrats on getting through the day! Yup, you want this OUT of your life. Good to always remember that, same for me here...

 

[mym8marty]

Day 2 done

Had a really amazing day today spent with my girlfriend, went out to dinner and saw a movie. I?m not feeling anything close to how I was in terms of sexual energy (or any other kind of energy) before the relapse which is upsetting, but is testament to the fact that edging is just as much of a relapse as full on PMO is. Completely forgot reset my progress, but that?s ok.

I also started cleaning my room today, getting things more organized. I think having the space be less chaotic will help my life be less chaotic as well.

Once again have to watch out for Sunday, it always trips me up in terms of getting started for the day and wasting my potential time to be productive.

Night dudes will update again tomorrow with day 3

 

[mym8marty]

Great list! I always find it uncanny how similar this addiction is in everyone. Literally the list is word for word what happens to me... Staying in the bed, the gray areas, eating junk food. Yup. Yup. and Yup all the things that would precede lapses. Then avoiding the phone, stopping checking it leaving the room exercise all the bomb. Literally everything on the list is how I have found it too.

Congrats on getting through the day! Yup, you want this OUT of your life. Good to always remember that, same for me here...

I completely agree. While not everyone has the exact same addictions or triggers, everyone struggling with PMO has such similar stories in terms of the challenges they face during their recovery, and everyone (even different kinds of addicts) benefit from the same things we do. I think it really helps us have solidarity with one another, and hope that we will be able to achieve what we see people who have gone years without it have been able to, since we know they started out just like us.

 

[LeanAndBop]

Hey, interesting point about keeping your space tidy. It is surely productive and healthy to tidy up and live in an uncluttered environment. For me it feels good once I get loads of dishes done, for example. Though, supposedly a cluttered desk is a sign of genius... Who knows.
Sunday can be a real struggle! I've been advised to plan to do something with another person on such days.
Wishing you all the best, your last entry seems really positive.

 

[mym8marty]

Had a wet dream last night, wasn?t good at all I don?t really remember the context but I?m pretty sure I was watching porn in my dream, although I don?t remember any porn itself just the act and context of PMO in general, like I remember putting my phone down and feeling a lot of shame/guilt. Woke up and turned out it probably happens cause I needed to use the restroom

 

[mym8marty]

Hey, interesting point about keeping your space tidy. It is surely productive and healthy to tidy up and live in an uncluttered environment. For me it feels good once I get loads of dishes done, for example. Though, supposedly a cluttered desk is a sign of genius... Who knows.
Sunday can be a real struggle! I've been advised to plan to do something with another person on such days.
Wishing you all the best, your last entry seems really positive.

Thanks! I think while that might be true it doesn?t mean that a cleaner area wouldn?t help haha. It?s a big thing for me with my ADHD to naturally be messy and use ?piles? but having a clean space to counteract that is super helpful for me. For instance, I used to lose my keys and wallet constantly, but now they live in a tray on my bedside table and aren?t allowed to go anywhere else in my room. Haven?t lost them since.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Hey, the wet dream sounds unpleasant. But sometimes relapse dreams are good! Motivation for you to keep moving forward.

Yeah, tidyness is huge. I have heard messy=genius too. But if we think about it, it's a myth for sure. Like half of people have messy desks, not half of people are geniuses. Being organized doesn't prove your a genius, but it sure makes life a lot easier!

Besides, even if it is true (messy desk= genius) I doubt cleaning our desks will make us lose our genius powers 

 

[mym8marty]

Yeah, tidyness is huge. I have heard messy=genius too. But if we think about it, it's a myth for sure. Like half of people have messy desks, not half of people are geniuses. Being organized doesn't prove your a genius, but it sure makes life a lot easier!

Besides, even if it is true (messy desk= genius) I doubt cleaning our desks will make us lose our genius powers 

I think you said this the way I tried to but I wasn?t really able to get my thoughts out in the right way haha

 

[mym8marty]

Day 3 & 4 done!

Updating at like 5am because I didn?t want to skip two updates in a row. Skipped day 3 cause I was up late and slept over at my girlfriends, was overall a good night. I spent my Sunday working on a project that took way longer than I thought it would, so I?m going to bed now (finally) and wanted to give a quick update.

So much for keeping the sleep schedule...

I blocked Facebook on my phone today. I had already blocked reddit but after not regularly using Facebook for years I was back on it multiple times a day. I guess I just crave something to scroll through. After blocking it, it was super weird, like I had nothing left to do on my phone. Just put it away, I guess. Hoping this will help me be more present and in the moment, as well as helping to keep me away from anything triggering (although fb was never really a trigger for me).

Will update tomorrow with day 5 (full business week!)

 

[Redfire03]

Facebook is a great start. When I got off I understand where being used to scrolling threw things is something you crave... weird I know.  But I started using my time in the gym and be more active.. I spend a lot of time reading on here and focus on me.

 

[mym8marty]

Day 5 done!

Almost had a wet dream during the nap I took today (very positive though, was imagining my girlfriend so not only was I not watching porn but my subconscious was being faithful!) but I woke up to my alarm right as I think it was gonna happen. Just needed to pee, gotta be better about doing that before bed. It?s kind of weird because that?s never something I had to think about before, I mean I just never got wet dreams. But I?m excited because this is a huge sign of recovery! Only 5 days from my relapse too.

Hoping to get to sleep soon but my sleep schedule is still a little janky. I?ll see how it goes.

Thanks everyone!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great stuff man! That is great, to have a good dream like that. Keep up the good work. And yeah wet dreams by all accounts, especially a healthy one like that are considered a sign of progress!

 

[mym8marty]

Day 6 done

Almost at the full week. Honestly my mind has been very off of porn lately, not even thinking about it as something to turn to. Good progress in terms of those mental pathways that have been built up.

So, not much to say about today, other than that I?ve been putting a lot of  energy lately into learning Spanish and it?s going really well. Something to replace the time I used to spend with PMO.

Will update tomorrow with 1 week!