vispren
Active Member
Hey guys, sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, English isn't my first language.
I am starting this journal to have something to occupy/motivate me, to share and to, maybe, help someone who is having same or similar problems as I am.
I'm 30, healthy, married.
I started masturbating around the age of 8, discovered porn around 10, I think. Got high speed Internet in my teens and was PMOing ever since.
My problems began when I started having sex at the age of 18, when I noticed that I could not have an orgasm during vaginal , oral or anal sex, except for a very few magical occasions "Don't worry, man, it's not you-it's her, it will be ok", I thought. I couldn't be more wrong and it soon became apparent when I was with a different girl. And the next one and the one after and so on. I lied to myself that this is what I am like and that it is normal, it is nothing to be worried about, lasting longer is good, etc. The lie worked and I embraced DE as something positive - at least the girls appreciate this, right?
Wrong. The girls did appreciate it, in the beginning of each relationship, but it wasn't before long that they all noticed there was a problem. It was something I never wanted to discuss with any of them, so each one of those relationships ended.
During all those years, I was PMOing and, in retrospect, was a complete idiot not seeing the connection between porn, death gripping and delayed ejaculation. It becomes clear to me now, that during that time, I was holding all my frustrations about DE inside and was finding a "happy place" in porn.
It didn't take long to get drowned in it, as it was pulling me under deeper and deeper into hardcore porn. I developed a strong foot fetishism that got me even more in trouble, because it additionally desensetized me from normal sexual intercourse. I got hooked on porn, addicted on foot fetishism.
Then I met my wife. She was everything I ever searched in a woman: beautiful, funny, smart and unbelievably hot. I was so scared of what her reaction will be when she finds out. We have talked about it and she assured me that it didn't bother her, that she loves because of who I am, etc... 4 years ago we got married and she is one of the main reasons I have decided to change my life.
During our marriage, DE was still a problem as I was still PMOing. I did manage to cum with my wife naturally, but those events were too few and far between. We have grown accustomed to DE, but deep down, we were never happy with our sex life. It is hell for me because I started feeling inadequate as a husband, which is either depressing or frustrating and makes me rude and impatient, easily aggrevated, etc. It is hell for her because she feels inadequate as a wife, not being able to please her man and, as a consequence, she isn't able to get off because it's just like a chore for her.
I want to break the cycle. I can't take it anymore. PIDE is threatening to ruin my marriage and my entire life.
MY PLAN
The plan is to rewire my brain to get rewards only when I'm with my wife.
All other forms of stimuli are prohibited.
My first goal is to last 30 days and try sex
The sex should be mild, lots of touching, caressing, kissing and should not last any longer than what my wife is comfortable with.
Basically, the complete opposite of what I was doing before.
If it doesn't work, continue with the program and try again.
This is what I think I'm comfortable with for my first reboot. If any of you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment.
Now, the suggested Q&A:
Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No porn related triggers, today.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Didn't really have any. P came across my mind a few times today. Chased it away by saying "fuck that shit". Out loud.
What am I grateful for today?
For starting this journal.
I am starting this journal to have something to occupy/motivate me, to share and to, maybe, help someone who is having same or similar problems as I am.
I'm 30, healthy, married.
I started masturbating around the age of 8, discovered porn around 10, I think. Got high speed Internet in my teens and was PMOing ever since.
My problems began when I started having sex at the age of 18, when I noticed that I could not have an orgasm during vaginal , oral or anal sex, except for a very few magical occasions "Don't worry, man, it's not you-it's her, it will be ok", I thought. I couldn't be more wrong and it soon became apparent when I was with a different girl. And the next one and the one after and so on. I lied to myself that this is what I am like and that it is normal, it is nothing to be worried about, lasting longer is good, etc. The lie worked and I embraced DE as something positive - at least the girls appreciate this, right?
Wrong. The girls did appreciate it, in the beginning of each relationship, but it wasn't before long that they all noticed there was a problem. It was something I never wanted to discuss with any of them, so each one of those relationships ended.
During all those years, I was PMOing and, in retrospect, was a complete idiot not seeing the connection between porn, death gripping and delayed ejaculation. It becomes clear to me now, that during that time, I was holding all my frustrations about DE inside and was finding a "happy place" in porn.
It didn't take long to get drowned in it, as it was pulling me under deeper and deeper into hardcore porn. I developed a strong foot fetishism that got me even more in trouble, because it additionally desensetized me from normal sexual intercourse. I got hooked on porn, addicted on foot fetishism.
Then I met my wife. She was everything I ever searched in a woman: beautiful, funny, smart and unbelievably hot. I was so scared of what her reaction will be when she finds out. We have talked about it and she assured me that it didn't bother her, that she loves because of who I am, etc... 4 years ago we got married and she is one of the main reasons I have decided to change my life.
During our marriage, DE was still a problem as I was still PMOing. I did manage to cum with my wife naturally, but those events were too few and far between. We have grown accustomed to DE, but deep down, we were never happy with our sex life. It is hell for me because I started feeling inadequate as a husband, which is either depressing or frustrating and makes me rude and impatient, easily aggrevated, etc. It is hell for her because she feels inadequate as a wife, not being able to please her man and, as a consequence, she isn't able to get off because it's just like a chore for her.
I want to break the cycle. I can't take it anymore. PIDE is threatening to ruin my marriage and my entire life.
MY PLAN
The plan is to rewire my brain to get rewards only when I'm with my wife.
All other forms of stimuli are prohibited.
My first goal is to last 30 days and try sex
The sex should be mild, lots of touching, caressing, kissing and should not last any longer than what my wife is comfortable with.
Basically, the complete opposite of what I was doing before.
If it doesn't work, continue with the program and try again.
This is what I think I'm comfortable with for my first reboot. If any of you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment.
Now, the suggested Q&A:
Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No porn related triggers, today.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Didn't really have any. P came across my mind a few times today. Chased it away by saying "fuck that shit". Out loud.
What am I grateful for today?
For starting this journal.