PIDE - Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation
- Thread starter vispren
- Start date
J
johngalt75321
Guest
Congrats to vispren for hitting 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
vispren
Active Member
Thanks, John. I'm really happy.
Day 31st
So, I did it. I've gone a whole month without porn, masturbation, sex and orgasm.
Didn't have sex, yet. Like I've said in one of my earlier posts forcing it on the 30th day or any day for that matter, would kill the spontaneity. I don't want my wife to feel like she 'has' to do it, for any reason. I did that a thousand times before and it always made her feel bad. It will come. Hopefully, soon.
Funny thing is, I didn't really think about sex for the past week or so, but as soon as I hit day 29, my scumbag brain started releasing so much craving chemicals, it made my head hurt. Fucker.
I do have a couple dilemmas going on. I should probably wear a rubber. I don't want pre cum oozing out as I'm sure it will. Condoms are shit for those of us who have death gripped ourselves into delayed ejaculation, because they take away the little sensation we have left. So, that's one. The second 'if' is if I don't finish (again) should I just let it go and soldier on, or should I let her satisfy me in an alternate way, 'cause I' m sure she'll want to? And chasers kinda scare me. I over analyze, though. So, nevermind.
Since day one, I tried to exaggarate my strength and willpower. Repeating the same lie over and over makes it the truth. I amped myself up to be strong, or stronger than I believed I can be or than I was in reality. I found relief in this approach and it doesn't matter that it was a bluff, it worked.
Nothing can stop me now
NEXT GOAL
Reach 60 days PMO free.
Have sex as it comes.
Don't binge on it.
Don't substitute one thing with another.
Continue to have a healthy perspective on my environment and reap the benefits of reboot.
Start rewiring.
Spend and enjoy sexless nights with the wife, just watching a movie, talking.
Also, encourage her to start rewiring from the mindset she was in.
Concentrate on her well-being as well.
Let her have the stupid haircut she wants.
Be a husband she deserves.
Don't be selfish.
Be a dad.
Play with daughter more often.
Enjoy time dedicated to things she wants to do.
Self improve further.
Raise the bar.
Push the envelope.
Be better.
Be free.
Day 31st
So, I did it. I've gone a whole month without porn, masturbation, sex and orgasm.
Didn't have sex, yet. Like I've said in one of my earlier posts forcing it on the 30th day or any day for that matter, would kill the spontaneity. I don't want my wife to feel like she 'has' to do it, for any reason. I did that a thousand times before and it always made her feel bad. It will come. Hopefully, soon.
Funny thing is, I didn't really think about sex for the past week or so, but as soon as I hit day 29, my scumbag brain started releasing so much craving chemicals, it made my head hurt. Fucker.
I do have a couple dilemmas going on. I should probably wear a rubber. I don't want pre cum oozing out as I'm sure it will. Condoms are shit for those of us who have death gripped ourselves into delayed ejaculation, because they take away the little sensation we have left. So, that's one. The second 'if' is if I don't finish (again) should I just let it go and soldier on, or should I let her satisfy me in an alternate way, 'cause I' m sure she'll want to? And chasers kinda scare me. I over analyze, though. So, nevermind.
Since day one, I tried to exaggarate my strength and willpower. Repeating the same lie over and over makes it the truth. I amped myself up to be strong, or stronger than I believed I can be or than I was in reality. I found relief in this approach and it doesn't matter that it was a bluff, it worked.
Nothing can stop me now
NEXT GOAL
Reach 60 days PMO free.
Have sex as it comes.
Don't binge on it.
Don't substitute one thing with another.
Continue to have a healthy perspective on my environment and reap the benefits of reboot.
Start rewiring.
Spend and enjoy sexless nights with the wife, just watching a movie, talking.
Also, encourage her to start rewiring from the mindset she was in.
Concentrate on her well-being as well.
Let her have the stupid haircut she wants.
Be a husband she deserves.
Don't be selfish.
Be a dad.
Play with daughter more often.
Enjoy time dedicated to things she wants to do.
Self improve further.
Raise the bar.
Push the envelope.
Be better.
Be free.
Mikel
Active Member
Thirty days! Well done man. That is definitely a milestone for us addicts and it's really good to hear. I'm happy for you.
DE isn't my thing, more PIED. Anyhow, your Wife sounds cool, so the the only thing I can really suggest is for you to both work out what to do when the time comes. Like you mentioned, there's no rush for anything really. The fact you've made such positive start in your recovery and you're seeing and feeling the benefits of that, I'm certain the right decision will come to you both.
Loved your goal list. Absolutely screams of positivity. Also this one made me laugh: Let her have the stupid haircut she wants.
Keep up the good work!
DE isn't my thing, more PIED. Anyhow, your Wife sounds cool, so the the only thing I can really suggest is for you to both work out what to do when the time comes. Like you mentioned, there's no rush for anything really. The fact you've made such positive start in your recovery and you're seeing and feeling the benefits of that, I'm certain the right decision will come to you both.
Loved your goal list. Absolutely screams of positivity. Also this one made me laugh: Let her have the stupid haircut she wants.
Keep up the good work!
J
johngalt75321
Guest
Amazing vispren! I know what you mean about rubbers, they are the WORST! I hope this isn't too personal, but can your wife go on birth control so you don't have to wear one (I assume that's why your worried about the precum)?
Also, love the list. it really shows that you are improving your whole life, and not just stopping PMO. Fantastic!
And I know we are all different, but I'd be surprised if you aren't waaaaaayyyy more sensitive than becore (from my relapses I know I am, and I haven't got to 30 days yet). But if the DE is there, I don't think I would go on forever-when My DE has gotten in the way, I can usually force it (eventually) but it's so mediocre that's it was rarely worth the effort.
Anyway, you sound like you no longer have to fake your strength and will, you've got it!
Also, love the list. it really shows that you are improving your whole life, and not just stopping PMO. Fantastic!
And I know we are all different, but I'd be surprised if you aren't waaaaaayyyy more sensitive than becore (from my relapses I know I am, and I haven't got to 30 days yet). But if the DE is there, I don't think I would go on forever-when My DE has gotten in the way, I can usually force it (eventually) but it's so mediocre that's it was rarely worth the effort.
Anyway, you sound like you no longer have to fake your strength and will, you've got it!
vispren
Active Member
Day 32nd
So, yesterday I went out with colleagues for lunch. It was a slow day at the office and instead of the usual fast food type of lunch, we opted for a restaurant. Once there, we started talking about stuff at the company, projects and whatnot and then the convo shifted from casual work stuff to casual life stuff and inevitably - sex and porn. Nothing to explicit, we were at a restaurant, after all. I've been with this company for the past 8 years and got to know these guys pretty well and we socialise outside of work and have became friends over the years, going to teambuilding events, visiting each other with families, etc...
Obviously, I have had strong feelings regarding the conversation that was taking place and, although it was interesting and fun, I was keeping myself in check, holding back, not talking much and just listening to them as they were talking about sex with their wives/girfriends and what they like/dislike and porn preferences, again nothing too explicit, just 'guy talk'...
Then, one of them started to talk about his PE and how it bothers him, kinda. He didn' t want to go all the way and let go and really talk about it. He was probably, just testing the grounds. I gave him a little 'push', so to speak. Then, after asking us not to tell anyone, he opened up, carefully. He started talking about how this is a problem and how he doesn't really know what to think of it and how stressfull it is for him and his wife. He was being sincere and sourly humourous about it. The other two guys were looking kinda baffled at the beginning, but pretty soon they were listening carefully and I'm guessing they could relate. It became a really constructive conversation between the four of us and I was so relieved that I thought: "Fuck it. I'll have a go."
I did and they were shocked. I told them about delayed ejaculation, which was something they could not digest and one of them (the guy with PE) even said, jokingly, he'd kill to trade places with me. If only he knew... I also told them about how my problem was porn induced (as far as my knowledge goes) and that it's reversible by doing something called a "Reboot". It was then, I took out my tablet and showed them this forum, this thread and my counter. The counter blew them away. They had questions about reboot and how and why I'm doing this. I told them about just how close my wife and I were to getting divorced/separated over PIDE and how much pain and suffering it brought me. All three of them understood me perfectly and we continued to talk about how all four of us experienced porn and its omnipresence as something bad and how it, indeed, has the potential to do damage. Intrestingly the other two friends say they don't have any sex related problems whatsoever. Even more interesting is the fact that, them being guys without those kind of problems, they could relate to everything being said during that conversation, minus the DE :
Anyway, it was so liberating to talk about this with them. So far, I talked about this with my wife and my best friend. Both of those times, I was confessing and I was scared of their reaction. This time I shared more openly. It was cool to talk about this shit freely with people and not being afraid as much as I was before.
Being able to talk about this without being afraid of stigmatising myself is really helpful. It helps me come to terms with who I am and what I'm going through. It motivates me to go on, to keep pushing until I can one day say: "I'm done".
So, yesterday I went out with colleagues for lunch. It was a slow day at the office and instead of the usual fast food type of lunch, we opted for a restaurant. Once there, we started talking about stuff at the company, projects and whatnot and then the convo shifted from casual work stuff to casual life stuff and inevitably - sex and porn. Nothing to explicit, we were at a restaurant, after all. I've been with this company for the past 8 years and got to know these guys pretty well and we socialise outside of work and have became friends over the years, going to teambuilding events, visiting each other with families, etc...
Obviously, I have had strong feelings regarding the conversation that was taking place and, although it was interesting and fun, I was keeping myself in check, holding back, not talking much and just listening to them as they were talking about sex with their wives/girfriends and what they like/dislike and porn preferences, again nothing too explicit, just 'guy talk'...
Then, one of them started to talk about his PE and how it bothers him, kinda. He didn' t want to go all the way and let go and really talk about it. He was probably, just testing the grounds. I gave him a little 'push', so to speak. Then, after asking us not to tell anyone, he opened up, carefully. He started talking about how this is a problem and how he doesn't really know what to think of it and how stressfull it is for him and his wife. He was being sincere and sourly humourous about it. The other two guys were looking kinda baffled at the beginning, but pretty soon they were listening carefully and I'm guessing they could relate. It became a really constructive conversation between the four of us and I was so relieved that I thought: "Fuck it. I'll have a go."
I did and they were shocked. I told them about delayed ejaculation, which was something they could not digest and one of them (the guy with PE) even said, jokingly, he'd kill to trade places with me. If only he knew... I also told them about how my problem was porn induced (as far as my knowledge goes) and that it's reversible by doing something called a "Reboot". It was then, I took out my tablet and showed them this forum, this thread and my counter. The counter blew them away. They had questions about reboot and how and why I'm doing this. I told them about just how close my wife and I were to getting divorced/separated over PIDE and how much pain and suffering it brought me. All three of them understood me perfectly and we continued to talk about how all four of us experienced porn and its omnipresence as something bad and how it, indeed, has the potential to do damage. Intrestingly the other two friends say they don't have any sex related problems whatsoever. Even more interesting is the fact that, them being guys without those kind of problems, they could relate to everything being said during that conversation, minus the DE :
Anyway, it was so liberating to talk about this with them. So far, I talked about this with my wife and my best friend. Both of those times, I was confessing and I was scared of their reaction. This time I shared more openly. It was cool to talk about this shit freely with people and not being afraid as much as I was before.
Being able to talk about this without being afraid of stigmatising myself is really helpful. It helps me come to terms with who I am and what I'm going through. It motivates me to go on, to keep pushing until I can one day say: "I'm done".
vispren
Active Member
Mikel, PIED is something I dread. According to numerous sources DE is a precursor to ED. I am thankful I didn't go that deep into the porn quagmire. I had PA (+ was drunk & high) once and I remember the embarrassment of not being able to get it up. DE is definitely different. You're able to perform perfectly. You just can't orgasm. It is horrible and unfulfilling and very stressful.
John, not too personal at all.
My wife never took them. Then again she never had to, because the risk of unwanted pregnancy was pretty much non existant during our time together. So, it's something worth thinking about.
John, not too personal at all.
My wife never took them. Then again she never had to, because the risk of unwanted pregnancy was pretty much non existant during our time together. So, it's something worth thinking about.
J
johngalt75321
Guest
Hi vispren,
Wow, that's amazing. I can't believe you had the balls to tell your coworkers about this! Pretty badass! You are officially a reboot evangelist! 8)
And you're right DE is the worst-it's like, what's the point if you can't finish. And ED for sure follows DE-I had just started to flirt with ED after having DE for awhile (I could still perform, but it was becoming unreliable-fucking scary as shit)! From my relapses I know this is no longer a concern (though the DE is not completetly gone, improving dramatically).
Anyway, as always, you are chrushing it! I hope that when you do have sex with your wife it is awesome! But, if not, I wouldn't sweat it-at least she know's everything now, so you don't have to worry about that part of it.
Wow, that's amazing. I can't believe you had the balls to tell your coworkers about this! Pretty badass! You are officially a reboot evangelist! 8)
And you're right DE is the worst-it's like, what's the point if you can't finish. And ED for sure follows DE-I had just started to flirt with ED after having DE for awhile (I could still perform, but it was becoming unreliable-fucking scary as shit)! From my relapses I know this is no longer a concern (though the DE is not completetly gone, improving dramatically).
Anyway, as always, you are chrushing it! I hope that when you do have sex with your wife it is awesome! But, if not, I wouldn't sweat it-at least she know's everything now, so you don't have to worry about that part of it.
Mikel
Active Member
That was greating regarding the conversation with your co-workers. It's good that you feel comfortable with passing the recovery message on and in a 'real' setting as well.
Regarding PIED. I wouldn't dread something that may or may not happen. Just live in the moment for now and if it does happen, I know that you know there are many resources available to you.
Regarding PIED. I wouldn't dread something that may or may not happen. Just live in the moment for now and if it does happen, I know that you know there are many resources available to you.
vispren
Active Member
Day 36th
I'm hurting. Craving really bad. Not even sure what I'm craving for, but it's like there's this huge fucking hole in my stomach. Can't really explain it. My overall mood is awesome, but it's like I can't sit still. I won't fail over this, but I haven't had this feeling ever. I don't want pixels or masturbation. It's restlesness. I just can't shake it off, today. It's so strong, it makes me wanna puke.
Will be spending the afternoon with my daughter, which will be fun and a distraction from this. Hopefully, by tonight it will be gone.
I'm hurting. Craving really bad. Not even sure what I'm craving for, but it's like there's this huge fucking hole in my stomach. Can't really explain it. My overall mood is awesome, but it's like I can't sit still. I won't fail over this, but I haven't had this feeling ever. I don't want pixels or masturbation. It's restlesness. I just can't shake it off, today. It's so strong, it makes me wanna puke.
Will be spending the afternoon with my daughter, which will be fun and a distraction from this. Hopefully, by tonight it will be gone.
vispren
Active Member
Day 37th
I have been focusing on sex a lot, during the last couple of days. A little too much. During the 30 days I went hardmode, things were awesome, but as soon as I got to 30, I put so much pressure on myself. My wife, too. I just couldn't help it. Consequently, we didn't have sex. Thankfully, because it would be just me, getting relieved and it would be nothing I want it to be.
Even though I didn't want or plan to, I psyched us both out.
During hardmode, sex was out of the question and we were doing fine, but as soon as it became a possibility, my scumbag brain started releasing so much dopamine turning me into a sex fiend. As expected, that turned my wife off. She pointed this out to me. She said she wants it, but feels pressured into it.
I kinda hit a brick wall on this one. On one hand, I feel eager to put my progress to the test and, of course, I want sex with her, but on the other hand, I feel as if I want it too much, which is leading me to the same mindset I was in before reboot.
I need to find a way to balance things out. This is harder than hardmode.
I have been focusing on sex a lot, during the last couple of days. A little too much. During the 30 days I went hardmode, things were awesome, but as soon as I got to 30, I put so much pressure on myself. My wife, too. I just couldn't help it. Consequently, we didn't have sex. Thankfully, because it would be just me, getting relieved and it would be nothing I want it to be.
Even though I didn't want or plan to, I psyched us both out.
During hardmode, sex was out of the question and we were doing fine, but as soon as it became a possibility, my scumbag brain started releasing so much dopamine turning me into a sex fiend. As expected, that turned my wife off. She pointed this out to me. She said she wants it, but feels pressured into it.
I kinda hit a brick wall on this one. On one hand, I feel eager to put my progress to the test and, of course, I want sex with her, but on the other hand, I feel as if I want it too much, which is leading me to the same mindset I was in before reboot.
I need to find a way to balance things out. This is harder than hardmode.
Mikel
Active Member
I'm not in your position, so I cannot talk from experience. Only offer a suggestion.
I can only think to wait a bit longer. Although you've come a long way, it's still early days recovery wise. (I don't mean to sound demeaning to your progress). Your Wife obviously has needs, but she sounds like she's willing to wait until when you're ready to do so.
I can understand why you would want to jump in and test the old boy out, I'd be the same. However, maybe give it another month for your brain and body to heal more before going for it.
Once again, just a suggestion. I'm sure there's people better qualified (or experienced) on this forum to give you a more definitive suggestion.
I can only think to wait a bit longer. Although you've come a long way, it's still early days recovery wise. (I don't mean to sound demeaning to your progress). Your Wife obviously has needs, but she sounds like she's willing to wait until when you're ready to do so.
I can understand why you would want to jump in and test the old boy out, I'd be the same. However, maybe give it another month for your brain and body to heal more before going for it.
Once again, just a suggestion. I'm sure there's people better qualified (or experienced) on this forum to give you a more definitive suggestion.
Therewolf
Member
Hey, congrats on going more than 30 days man!
I'm not in the same boat since I'm only at day 6 and I'm single, but I HAVE done some interesting reading on the subject of relationships.
Let's face it; PMO puts distance between yourself and your significant other. Just adding pressure to jump right back in doesn't seem to be working, so how about another approach?
First, Mikel may be correct and both of you may just need a little more time.
Second, your wife may be feeling some anxiety about resuming relations because she's afraid of hurting your progress and damaging the relationship in the long run.
I found the following to be a very interesting read:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-Want-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B000V770GY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413313990&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want
One of things this guy suggests in restoring intimacy before sex (if this could be an issue for you guys) is maybe putting the ball in her court as far as who decides to initiate.
But how to put her in the mood without pressure? Well, this book has another great idea for restoring intimacy without pressure for sex.
You can do something nice for her that is intimate, but not overtly sexual, like giving her a backrub several times a week.
You can ask her if that's something she'd like to feel intimacy with you and feel more loved; maybe she'd rather have you do something else for her. You should ask. You have to make it clear that it is something you're doing for her, just to feel closer to her.
If she later wants to have sex, that can be a possibility without her feeling any pressure.
Anyway, this book has a lot of great info about relationships in general and it's one I recommend to my friends to read with their partners.
Hope my rambling helped a little.
Good luck!
I'm not in the same boat since I'm only at day 6 and I'm single, but I HAVE done some interesting reading on the subject of relationships.
Let's face it; PMO puts distance between yourself and your significant other. Just adding pressure to jump right back in doesn't seem to be working, so how about another approach?
First, Mikel may be correct and both of you may just need a little more time.
Second, your wife may be feeling some anxiety about resuming relations because she's afraid of hurting your progress and damaging the relationship in the long run.
I found the following to be a very interesting read:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-Want-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B000V770GY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413313990&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want
One of things this guy suggests in restoring intimacy before sex (if this could be an issue for you guys) is maybe putting the ball in her court as far as who decides to initiate.
But how to put her in the mood without pressure? Well, this book has another great idea for restoring intimacy without pressure for sex.
You can do something nice for her that is intimate, but not overtly sexual, like giving her a backrub several times a week.
You can ask her if that's something she'd like to feel intimacy with you and feel more loved; maybe she'd rather have you do something else for her. You should ask. You have to make it clear that it is something you're doing for her, just to feel closer to her.
If she later wants to have sex, that can be a possibility without her feeling any pressure.
Anyway, this book has a lot of great info about relationships in general and it's one I recommend to my friends to read with their partners.
Hope my rambling helped a little.
Good luck!
vispren
Active Member
Mikel, no worries. I know you meant good. You're right. I've let the cravings get the best of me. Hopefully, I'll be able to snap out of it, soon.
Therewolf, thank you for joining in. That's some really constructive advice.
I posted the same in the partners of rebooters and addicts section and got basically the same advice - give reboot more time. Gracie, one of my favorite posters, also had some great advice. So, I'll try to implement the restoration of intimacy in my daily routine with my wife. Once again, I'll take sex out of the equation.
Day 38
Solid as always. No urges. Still feeling a bit 'out there', but it's in my head. It will be ok. Getting back on the bandwagon
Therewolf, thank you for joining in. That's some really constructive advice.
I posted the same in the partners of rebooters and addicts section and got basically the same advice - give reboot more time. Gracie, one of my favorite posters, also had some great advice. So, I'll try to implement the restoration of intimacy in my daily routine with my wife. Once again, I'll take sex out of the equation.
Day 38
Solid as always. No urges. Still feeling a bit 'out there', but it's in my head. It will be ok. Getting back on the bandwagon
vispren
Active Member
39 days in.
Tomorrow I'll become living proof that this movie
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0243736/?ref_=nv_sr_4
...is shit.
It took a lot of thinking, reading, watching motivational videos and thinking some more to get me back on my feet, again. Last 3-4 days were my worst. I felt like I failed. I didn't, but really felt weak and like I lost my drive and motivation to go on.
A lot of stuff crossed my mind, of which the most unsettling was the 'Why and how did it all start?" question.
I'm not talking about the reasons for being addicted to porn and PMOing for so many years to weirder and weirder stuff. No.
I'm talking about susceptibility to addiction.
I know a lot of people who watched porn, but did not get addicted or developed any dysfuctions. I couldn't put my finger on why they don't have the same or similar kinds of problems as I have. Sure, some of those people, who are close to me enough to talk about this stuff, may be lying when they say they have perfectly healthy sex lives, but I've personally seen some of my friends having sex with my own eyes and they were just fine. No erectile or ejaculatory issues...
Why was I the one who got the shitty end of the stick? Was I doing something different than those guys, while growing up? What did I do wrong?
Ok, I get that at some point in my life I became infatuated by porn. I get that, by looking at it, I started masturbating (at a very young age). I also understand that the more I looked at it the more I jerked off, harder and harder and as a result I have DE. That still doesn't explain why was I susceptible to get hooked on it.
It's the susceptibility to addictions. It has to be it. Nothing else fits. If it isn't that, well then, every guy who watches porn would be an addict or none of us would be. It's like people who try all sorts of drugs, but don't get hooked on them. I smoked a lot of marijuana in the past, but have been able to quit easily, unlike some people I know who completely burnt out, mentally. Or like trying cigarettes, but not becoming a smoker.
I very strongly believe that we are not using porn because we're addicted, but that we are addicted to porn because someyhing in our lives is...off, crooked and not right.
This notion is of gargantuan proportions, because it suggests that we as addicts have issues that are far deeper that sexual. I, personally, find this unsettling because I started with MO/PMO very young. Before I could think straight. Now I have to dig THAT deep to find out what is wrong with me?
Shit.
Anyway, another day another rambling, but I have a feeling I'm onto something here.
Tomorrow I'll become living proof that this movie
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0243736/?ref_=nv_sr_4
...is shit.
It took a lot of thinking, reading, watching motivational videos and thinking some more to get me back on my feet, again. Last 3-4 days were my worst. I felt like I failed. I didn't, but really felt weak and like I lost my drive and motivation to go on.
A lot of stuff crossed my mind, of which the most unsettling was the 'Why and how did it all start?" question.
I'm not talking about the reasons for being addicted to porn and PMOing for so many years to weirder and weirder stuff. No.
I'm talking about susceptibility to addiction.
I know a lot of people who watched porn, but did not get addicted or developed any dysfuctions. I couldn't put my finger on why they don't have the same or similar kinds of problems as I have. Sure, some of those people, who are close to me enough to talk about this stuff, may be lying when they say they have perfectly healthy sex lives, but I've personally seen some of my friends having sex with my own eyes and they were just fine. No erectile or ejaculatory issues...
Why was I the one who got the shitty end of the stick? Was I doing something different than those guys, while growing up? What did I do wrong?
Ok, I get that at some point in my life I became infatuated by porn. I get that, by looking at it, I started masturbating (at a very young age). I also understand that the more I looked at it the more I jerked off, harder and harder and as a result I have DE. That still doesn't explain why was I susceptible to get hooked on it.
It's the susceptibility to addictions. It has to be it. Nothing else fits. If it isn't that, well then, every guy who watches porn would be an addict or none of us would be. It's like people who try all sorts of drugs, but don't get hooked on them. I smoked a lot of marijuana in the past, but have been able to quit easily, unlike some people I know who completely burnt out, mentally. Or like trying cigarettes, but not becoming a smoker.
I very strongly believe that we are not using porn because we're addicted, but that we are addicted to porn because someyhing in our lives is...off, crooked and not right.
This notion is of gargantuan proportions, because it suggests that we as addicts have issues that are far deeper that sexual. I, personally, find this unsettling because I started with MO/PMO very young. Before I could think straight. Now I have to dig THAT deep to find out what is wrong with me?
Shit.
Anyway, another day another rambling, but I have a feeling I'm onto something here.
Therewolf
Member
Vispren, I already KNOW you're onto something.
The book I linked earlier, seriously check it out. It goes into some of the things that can hurt us early in childhood and how that manifests itself later in life. It doesn't deal with addiction per se. Instead, it focuses on relationship dynamics and how they're affected by these past hurts on a subconscious/Freudian level. It's pretty interesting.
I think that I wound up seeking comfort in pornography because I couldn't get it elsewhere. Why porn in particular? Because it was available to me as early as 6 years of age, because I didn't need money to get it, and because I never knew any of this stuff was potentially harmful. Can you relate to any of that?
I think this kind of addiction is especially damaging because we got hooked at such an early age.
So, why were we more susceptible to porn vs other addictions? Again, I think it was the availability at a young age, the few economic barriers to acquiring more of the drug and the lack of knowledge about how much damage this drug could cause us. Welcome to our custom-made, shit-storm.
Why didn't other kids get hooked? I don't know. Maybe they had happier home lives with loving parents. Maybe (as in my case) they weren't constantly traumatized by experiencing mental and physical abuse. Maybe, even when they experienced something hurtful/disturbing, they had people around them who could help them deal with these things constructively. I just don't know man.
Edit: Actually, now that I think about it, we don't really know whether they got hooked or not and maybe they don't know that they currently have a problem. I know that I've lied to myself about my porn use for many many years now. I'm sure that there are many of them out there who have no idea that they are full-blown addicts because people still aren't talking about this problem enough in the media.
So, I guess my point is (if you're still reading, I commend you) that susceptibility to addiction can't be thought of as some kind of genetic defect. It's how we're wired and (I think) a result of the shit we've had to deal with in our lives.
Yeah, I need to work on the whole, "concise answer" thing.
The book I linked earlier, seriously check it out. It goes into some of the things that can hurt us early in childhood and how that manifests itself later in life. It doesn't deal with addiction per se. Instead, it focuses on relationship dynamics and how they're affected by these past hurts on a subconscious/Freudian level. It's pretty interesting.
I think that I wound up seeking comfort in pornography because I couldn't get it elsewhere. Why porn in particular? Because it was available to me as early as 6 years of age, because I didn't need money to get it, and because I never knew any of this stuff was potentially harmful. Can you relate to any of that?
I think this kind of addiction is especially damaging because we got hooked at such an early age.
So, why were we more susceptible to porn vs other addictions? Again, I think it was the availability at a young age, the few economic barriers to acquiring more of the drug and the lack of knowledge about how much damage this drug could cause us. Welcome to our custom-made, shit-storm.
Why didn't other kids get hooked? I don't know. Maybe they had happier home lives with loving parents. Maybe (as in my case) they weren't constantly traumatized by experiencing mental and physical abuse. Maybe, even when they experienced something hurtful/disturbing, they had people around them who could help them deal with these things constructively. I just don't know man.
Edit: Actually, now that I think about it, we don't really know whether they got hooked or not and maybe they don't know that they currently have a problem. I know that I've lied to myself about my porn use for many many years now. I'm sure that there are many of them out there who have no idea that they are full-blown addicts because people still aren't talking about this problem enough in the media.
So, I guess my point is (if you're still reading, I commend you) that susceptibility to addiction can't be thought of as some kind of genetic defect. It's how we're wired and (I think) a result of the shit we've had to deal with in our lives.
Yeah, I need to work on the whole, "concise answer" thing.
Mikel
Active Member
Hello Vispren,
First of all, you're doing great. Keep at it man.
With regards to what you're saying. Although I agree with some of the points you raised, I think you may be looking at it from the wrong (or different) angle. I'll explain a bit about my experiences with addiction and also my views.
You're aware that I'm an alcoholic in recovery and have been for many years. I believe I was born this way and although life and circumstances accelerated my complulsion to drink, it was still my choice to live this life. To explain, a lot of addicts (regardless of substance) come from difficult backgrounds hence the need to escape through substance abuse. I came from a great background in comparison. Good childhood, always fed, watered, clothed etc. Yet I still chose to drink, take drugs and use porn. Like everyone else, I was exposed to porn early but I loved it then! I had no idea what it would do to my life. Same with drinking. It was only when my life was getting progressively worse that I eventually realised I had a problem. Now I'm in recovery, I can look back and see that I had some issues involving insecurity, fear, self pity and self loathing to name a few and although I did use substances to hide them. I didn't know that at the time and it didn't start out that way. I've heard of people who have gone to therapists regarding porn addiction, found out what underlying issues they have which they were not aware of at the time and gone back to porn anyway. Therefore, I think using and addiction is on the cards for us no matter what path we go down. We just have ways to stop now.
It's strange, as like you I've taken drugs on plenty of occasions and can 'put them down' without mentally or physically craving them afterwards. However, alcohol and porn? Ridiculously hard. I mentally and crave both when I'm using them and when I'm trying to stop. I have no idea why those two and not other substances. I met someone once who has no problem with drink but stick a line of coke up his nose, BAM! He can't stop. On the other hand I've met people who are addicted to pretty much everything that changes the way they feel.
My main point is, although there may be some underlying issues with us porn heads, I honestly believe we have this gene inside of us since birth.
You do have a point though. I think I may have some issues that need dealing with. My plan for them thus far is to continue with my reboot and see if that does help or clear them. If I still have difficulties with them after some duration, I will seek help elsewhere.
Make of that what you will but bear in mind the following. I'm not a Doctor, Psychologist, Counsellor, Addiction Expert, Therapist etc. Just offering my experience and view.
First of all, you're doing great. Keep at it man.
With regards to what you're saying. Although I agree with some of the points you raised, I think you may be looking at it from the wrong (or different) angle. I'll explain a bit about my experiences with addiction and also my views.
You're aware that I'm an alcoholic in recovery and have been for many years. I believe I was born this way and although life and circumstances accelerated my complulsion to drink, it was still my choice to live this life. To explain, a lot of addicts (regardless of substance) come from difficult backgrounds hence the need to escape through substance abuse. I came from a great background in comparison. Good childhood, always fed, watered, clothed etc. Yet I still chose to drink, take drugs and use porn. Like everyone else, I was exposed to porn early but I loved it then! I had no idea what it would do to my life. Same with drinking. It was only when my life was getting progressively worse that I eventually realised I had a problem. Now I'm in recovery, I can look back and see that I had some issues involving insecurity, fear, self pity and self loathing to name a few and although I did use substances to hide them. I didn't know that at the time and it didn't start out that way. I've heard of people who have gone to therapists regarding porn addiction, found out what underlying issues they have which they were not aware of at the time and gone back to porn anyway. Therefore, I think using and addiction is on the cards for us no matter what path we go down. We just have ways to stop now.
It's strange, as like you I've taken drugs on plenty of occasions and can 'put them down' without mentally or physically craving them afterwards. However, alcohol and porn? Ridiculously hard. I mentally and crave both when I'm using them and when I'm trying to stop. I have no idea why those two and not other substances. I met someone once who has no problem with drink but stick a line of coke up his nose, BAM! He can't stop. On the other hand I've met people who are addicted to pretty much everything that changes the way they feel.
My main point is, although there may be some underlying issues with us porn heads, I honestly believe we have this gene inside of us since birth.
You do have a point though. I think I may have some issues that need dealing with. My plan for them thus far is to continue with my reboot and see if that does help or clear them. If I still have difficulties with them after some duration, I will seek help elsewhere.
Make of that what you will but bear in mind the following. I'm not a Doctor, Psychologist, Counsellor, Addiction Expert, Therapist etc. Just offering my experience and view.
vispren
Active Member
Thank you, guys. Getting closer to my second goal.
Day 42nd
My wife and I had sex last night. I didn't finish, BUT this was one of the best, most meaningful sex we ever had. We had foreplay, which is something we very rarely did, because we were always focused on getting me off.
This time, it was different. I wouldn't describe it as making love, but it wasn't "porn sex", either. It was about her. We eased into it by me giving her a massage, using raspberry scented oil. The foreplay was the best part of it. I was able to see her, squirm and bend and she was really into it. She then got on top, which is also something we rarely did, because I used to dominate her in my efforts to cum. It was amazing. She had an orgasm. Then we, changed the position and she had another one. I was trying to cum, but it wasn't my main goal, like it was before. I really enjoyed the closeness and the intimacy. When she asked me to stop, I didn't really want to, but then I remembered my first post in my journal, where I said that sex with my wife should not last any longer than she is comfortable with, so I did. We then cuddled and talked about it. Now, this we have never done before. We never discussed in detail about what was going on during sex. This time we did and she was able to explain exactly how it was for her and how it was for me.
I thought I'd be disappointed if I don't cum. I wasn't. My sensitivity is way better. By abstaining this long, I forgot how smooth her skin is, how she smells and how she tastes. It was different and felt good to pleasure her and it was... Awesome, really. I could have dominated her again by going hot and heavy and I think I would be able to finish, but last night wasn't about that. It was about rediscovering ourselves as a two people who love each other.
I am not discouraged in any way. I am not disappointed in any way. Although, my body and mind need release, this will not do anything but give me the drive to push onward.
Being in reboot, aside from the benefits I described a couple of weeks earlier, is really saving me. It is making me see my wife as my ally in life. As a soulmate. DE or no DE, this alone is worth all the struggling I have been through. It is salvation from the person I was.
Right now I feel happy, confident and strong.
I love this part of me. The powerful me. It is so refreshing and empowering to be this guy. He has no problems speaking his mind and making positive choices that affect his days, unlike the other guy, falsely confident, secluded to the confinement of his own mind, confused and blind, caving in every way possible.
I love being this granite, solid man. I love being merciless to my weaknesses. I love it when I have to fight it. I love it when I prevail.
Perseverance, discipline and determination. I WILL NOT FAIL.
Mood: awesomesauce.
Urges: overflowing and boiling.
Willpower: immeasurable.
Starting round 42.
Bring it.
Day 42nd
My wife and I had sex last night. I didn't finish, BUT this was one of the best, most meaningful sex we ever had. We had foreplay, which is something we very rarely did, because we were always focused on getting me off.
This time, it was different. I wouldn't describe it as making love, but it wasn't "porn sex", either. It was about her. We eased into it by me giving her a massage, using raspberry scented oil. The foreplay was the best part of it. I was able to see her, squirm and bend and she was really into it. She then got on top, which is also something we rarely did, because I used to dominate her in my efforts to cum. It was amazing. She had an orgasm. Then we, changed the position and she had another one. I was trying to cum, but it wasn't my main goal, like it was before. I really enjoyed the closeness and the intimacy. When she asked me to stop, I didn't really want to, but then I remembered my first post in my journal, where I said that sex with my wife should not last any longer than she is comfortable with, so I did. We then cuddled and talked about it. Now, this we have never done before. We never discussed in detail about what was going on during sex. This time we did and she was able to explain exactly how it was for her and how it was for me.
I thought I'd be disappointed if I don't cum. I wasn't. My sensitivity is way better. By abstaining this long, I forgot how smooth her skin is, how she smells and how she tastes. It was different and felt good to pleasure her and it was... Awesome, really. I could have dominated her again by going hot and heavy and I think I would be able to finish, but last night wasn't about that. It was about rediscovering ourselves as a two people who love each other.
I am not discouraged in any way. I am not disappointed in any way. Although, my body and mind need release, this will not do anything but give me the drive to push onward.
Being in reboot, aside from the benefits I described a couple of weeks earlier, is really saving me. It is making me see my wife as my ally in life. As a soulmate. DE or no DE, this alone is worth all the struggling I have been through. It is salvation from the person I was.
Right now I feel happy, confident and strong.
I love this part of me. The powerful me. It is so refreshing and empowering to be this guy. He has no problems speaking his mind and making positive choices that affect his days, unlike the other guy, falsely confident, secluded to the confinement of his own mind, confused and blind, caving in every way possible.
I love being this granite, solid man. I love being merciless to my weaknesses. I love it when I have to fight it. I love it when I prevail.
Perseverance, discipline and determination. I WILL NOT FAIL.
Mood: awesomesauce.
Urges: overflowing and boiling.
Willpower: immeasurable.
Starting round 42.
Bring it.