I want to be as i was when i was a kid (The PMO hatas)

A

Arthur2

Active Member
Alright.
Next goal is 14 days. That would be awesome.

I can do it. Many times i have relased around day 10 to day 14, when i lose momentum, but really i shouldnt.

So today was great, i had a few P and M thoughts (which dont necessarily come at the exact same moments. Sometimes i crave watching P but not thinking about doing M, and sometimes i want to M just by touching myself but not with any picture. I fight both cravings that are different though connected.).
But i perfectly let them thoughts go.

I had a good day and am on a good mood even though my knee injury is still not fully healed, and that is a bummer in the rebooting process because i cant do kickboxing which was occupying a lot of my time and keeping me away from staying at home and be bored.

Anyway.
Hereday 8

May your journey be successful.
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
Yes.

Boy i started to have urge right after i reported my 8 days ! So i hardly fell asllep after that; The night was horrible. I am on the slippery slope.

DAMN !

I can't fail again ! NO !

(i havnt watched anything, i just touched myself a lot today)

F-word, S-word !
F-word again !

I am tired of relapsing, i wont relapse tonight.

Day 9
 
Do or die

Do or die

Respected Member
Just fight your urges till day 9.
After that urges level decreases. And you are able to easily ignore them.
 
N

Non-Dual Adventurer

Active Member
Hey bud. I know how hard it can be when those urges arise like that. Don't look at your devices and just endure the pain dude. Just sit with it if you can. You have been through worse.

 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
I relapsed i spent basically last week in my old self.

Now finaly i can say day 1 again.
24 hours clean.

Now i want to say this, guys : stop following my journal because it is always the same.

But no, i will eventually make it.
 
N

Non-Dual Adventurer

Active Member
You did the right thing coming back on here. This means that deep in your core you know that you have to be free from this addiction, and that there is no other option for you. I commend your tenacity and strength, and always know that we are with you every step of the way, supporting you. Welcome back Arthur, and here's to a happy Day 2 tomorrow!
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
Thank you man.
Yes absolutly. As you said there is no coming back.
I wasted a week but I like to be on nofap.
I need to succeed at this.

Now day 2 completed.

And i also feel that my knee is almost healed, so i will soon be able to start kickboxing again.
 
Do or die

Do or die

Respected Member
Never demotivate yourself  because you are winner. Just remember the situation of your first attempt of reboot. You are not able to control yourself for just one day.
And now you doing it for 7 days. So you are already a winner. You just need to be permanent at that winner position.
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
Damn autopilot.

Actually i am almost never in control. As soon as i have an urge, i yield to it, and either i will edge or will fap because autopilot takes over.

But yes i know i can win this.
Thank you.
So back to day 0.
I will count day 1 only when i have completed a full 24 hours.


What happened is basically i was lying in my bed after my night shift, and i couldnt fall asleep, and i started thinking about S.
I spend the next two hours trying to not think about it and fall asleep, but i couldnt.
And eventually i was so pissed that i just decided to watch a little bit of porn to placate the cravings.

I am insane.

I am literaly insane.

By the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

But far from discouraging me, this experience i find it very interresting, because one part of my brain knows those things and doesnt want to watch P (that is why after the session i added a new website to my friend the cold turkey website blocker) and another part of my brain is that of an insane animal.

I find it very interresting to try and tame that animal. But it is also quite frightening and humbling to be so vulnerable and not in control of yourself.

Guys, dont mess with your brain.

I know a man who has demonic visions all the time every day, like rats climbing al over him, and horrible voices in his head and constant headache, and he says those things have gotten way worse when he started beeing highly involved in watching P.

Beware.
As for me i am trying to heal.
But boy i am starting to get scared.
Today i acted as a complete beast going to the slaughter.
I was helpless.
I has been a habit for soooooo many years !
At a time i wasnt even thinking about PMO (or just MO) as a potential problem and was doing it as a daily natural thing to do for soothing.
How was i misguided !

Lero, where are you ?

Where are you Lero, hero ?

I dont care if you write in your journal or not, but for love' s sake and the sake of God and fear of God, please keep fighting for your life.

Fighting for your life.
I love you people who are weak and human like me.
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
i remember one specific time that i have succesfully controled and overcome an urge, and that was awesome, but most of the time i dont, and to be honest, my streaks are more "accidental" than voluntary.
That is to say, i add a 7 or 10 days when i happen to be too busy or just the urge doesnt come.

And dont get me wrong : those streaks are still good and an improvement compared to what i was doing before, but man when the big urge, the real urge comes, the monster, i cower and i get bullied.

That is it. I need to defeat that bully and become a grown man.
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
It is kinda like : if i succesfully have a 10 day streak, it is because by chance i just didnt cross the path of that bully at school for 10 days.
But then each time he catches me he beats me up and i am helpless.
Very few times i was able to retaliate and keep him in check.
But i am gettin at it. I am gettin at it.
 
Do or die

Do or die

Respected Member
You can do it when you learned the nature of each urge. And when you develope a plan for Fight with it.
 
A

Arthur2

Active Member
Day1.
But i mean, at least 40 hours. So almost 2 days.

For me i just like to count when i have a full 24 hours day.

I relapsed just once (without P).
I fapped once.
 
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