Hopefully the end is in sight....and the beginning too

[The Unhappy Fapper]

keep on going Matt man, your journal is an inspiration 

 

[mattdes]

keep on going Matt man, your journal is an inspiration 

Thanks man but don't think yours isn't! You are fighting your battle too. That's an inspiration. I hope you are doing well.

 

[mattdes]

Well I'm feeling good despite my little bump in the road yesterday. I don't have any urges to do it again or look at p. I feel a little bit shitty but not too much and it is Monday so it could be a bit of that too. Hit the gym today and felt a bit weak. Not going to look into that too much because again it could be just that it's Monday. No p for life! I'm back on the horse now and I really want to get through today and I think tomorrow I'll be back in the zone again.

 

[Lero]

Well I'm feeling good despite my little bump in the road yesterday. I don't have any urges to do it again or look at p. I feel a little bit shitty but not too much and it is Monday so it could be a bit of that too. Hit the gym today and felt a bit weak. Not going to look into that too much because again it could be just that it's Monday. No p for life! I'm back on the horse now and I really want to get through today and I think tomorrow I'll be back in the zone again.

That's right, man. The best thing to do is not to follow the PMO session with a binge and not to do it again tomorrow. It could feel like shit not doing it but the urge will eventually go away.

 

[mattdes]

Urges to look at women on youtube but not p. That's not ideal and i know where it can lead but I'm not going to relapse again. Today was good. I was kept busy and I'm going to the gym later.

 

[mattdes]

Well i have had a really shitty week and just can't seem to get back on track. I don't want to go into many details but I'm absolutely resetting my counter today. I'm just not motivated. I can't get that feeling back. That desire to kick the habit. It shouldn't be a desire. It should be a necessity. Doesn't help that I've been getting drunk as fuck. I think I'm going to have to completely knock the drinking on the head at the same time. I'm f@#ked

 

[Lero]

Well i have had a really shitty week and just can't seem to get back on track. I don't want to go into many details but I'm absolutely resetting my counter today. I'm just not motivated. I can't get that feeling back. That desire to kick the habit. It shouldn't be a desire. It should be a necessity. Doesn't help that I've been getting drunk as fuck. I think I'm going to have to completely knock the drinking on the head at the same time. I'm f@#ked

I know, man. Since I relapsed on Friday, I've felt like shit. And I relapsed because of getting drunk. You know how much this pisses me off? Because I had been playing with fire like an idiot. I knew that drinking had made me relapse many times but I was too arrogant. I said: "I can handle it, man. Eaaasy." And then here I was, 10 PM, watching P, feeling no fear, no remorse, no regret, because of being drunk. Only after I sobered up, the regret killed me. Losing 40 days streak just like that. Plus, it wasn't any fucking fun. I sobered up and said: "okay, I relapsed, but it was nothing. This was no fucking fun! Why the fuck did I do it?" Because when I am drunk, I don't really feel good when I PMO. So I killed a 40 days streak but I didn't even feel good. How shit is this? This is the worst fucking situation.

 

[mattdes]

Well i have had a really shitty week and just can't seem to get back on track. I don't want to go into many details but I'm absolutely resetting my counter today. I'm just not motivated. I can't get that feeling back. That desire to kick the habit. It shouldn't be a desire. It should be a necessity. Doesn't help that I've been getting drunk as fuck. I think I'm going to have to completely knock the drinking on the head at the same time. I'm f@#ked

I know, man. Since I relapsed on Friday, I've felt like shit. And I relapsed because of getting drunk. You know how much this pisses me off? Because I had been playing with fire like an idiot. I knew that drinking had made me relapse many times but I was too arrogant. I said: "I can handle it, man. Eaaasy." And then here I was, 10 PM, watching P, feeling no fear, no remorse, no regret, because of being drunk. Only after I sobered up, the regret killed me. Losing 40 days streak just like that. Plus, it wasn't any fucking fun. I sobered up and said: "okay, I relapsed, but it was nothing. This was no fucking fun! Why the fuck did I do it?" Because when I am drunk, I don't really feel good when I PMO. So I killed a 40 days streak but I didn't even feel good. How shit is this? This is the worst fucking situation.

Shit man I'm really sorry to hear that. Not the end of the world though. 40 days is amazing!!!! Get the alcohol out of the system and you'll be right back in the game.

 

[mattdes]

Ok so tomorrow is definitely my day one. And I'm going to beat my streak. My record is 13 days. I'm going to beat that no matter what. Here i go again. I'm going to write here every day . It will keep me focused. No alcohol no pmo and no stress. Back to the meditation. I think when i stopped i lost control.

 

[mattdes]

Day One

I'm going to write here every day. It reinforces my will to beat this crap. No negative feelings today probably because I was kept busy. I'll go to the gym later tonight and that should keep my mind off it and then maybe some meditation before bed.

 

[mattdes]

That was a very difficult evening/night. I was fighting urges for hours. Just crazy. So here i am ready to fall asleep and posting here. I am really glad i didn't give in. Tomorrow will be a busier day and hopefully that will mean no urges.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Keep strong man Matt. The first few days i always found to be among the hardest especially given the compulsive habit that fapping had become. And night time urges are a nightmare given how strong they are and how they mess with your head. The subconscious really is a screwy place during a reboot.

 

[mattdes]

Keep strong man Matt. The first few days i always found to be among the hardest especially given the compulsive habit that fapping had become. And night time urges are a nightmare given how strong they are and how they mess with your head. The subconscious really is a screwy place during a reboot.

Thanks man and even harder when you know alcohol is also a trigger but is also something you use to relax. So i have to somehow replace those 2 habits with good ones. Thankfully I have ...gym and meditation. So thats going to get me past 2 weeks

 

[mattdes]

Day Two
Kept busy today and resisted urges. Working most of the day and then to the gym kept me on the right path.
I'm hoping tomorrow i am feeling as good as i did last time on day 3.

 

[mattdes]

Day Three

Kept busy with work and the gym. Less urges today which really helped. Roll on day four!!

 

[mattdes]

So made it to day 5 and bang pmo. Again after a night drinking an. What didnt help was the amount of hot females around. Alcohol hangover and thinking of stupid shit. Well now isn't that just perfect. Im feeling like crap but i just wont binge

 

[Lero]

Yes, man, drinking seems to sabotage many P addicts from what I've realized so far (including my very own experience with this). I can't fucking drink. I've lost a 40 days streak and again a 6 days streak because of alcohol.

 

[mattdes]

So here I am again. I completely shut off from this. I got really depressed and gave up. Here I am 4 days on the counter. I'm going to beat this. The good news is I have continued with my exercise and I'm seeing results. I was drinking a lot and kind of in a rut. Here I am now all positive and on a streak. Definitely going to beat this crap. I've managed to gather my thoughts and I know what I need to do. It's not an option anymore. I'd like to hear from some of the people I used to talk to. I hope you are all doing better than I was.