Fapping, pliz go ->

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 19 - 5/10

Today was a so-and-so day.

I slept pretty well last night. No BS dreams about the 36-year-old or nothing. But i still woke up feeling shitty. Some morning wood and some fantasies but nothing great.

I got to work at the usual time. No cute girls loitering around to strike up a casual chat with. Bummer.

During the course of the day, i had this weird feeling of latent negativity underneath everything. These last two days, i have felt a sense of increasing positivity but today it took a dive. But, when interacting with people, my more extroverted, outgoing side came out and it felt empowering.

I saw girl from Day 17 (a very pretty photographer who is very modest about herself) briefly in the corridor. We acknowledged each other - another bummer as i hoped she would stop for a chat. In the past, i would have overreacted and taken this personally - "Obviously she doesn't like me enough to remember me" type thing. Today, i just let it go. Hell, i would have loved to have proposed marriage to her there and then but that I guess that may have been a bit much

During the course of the day, i had urges again to look at porn. I also found myself unconsciously assuming the fapping position in my chair and grabbing my crotch. I was completely unaware i was doing it. Luckily i put an end to it as soon as i did become aware.

This afternoon, our workspace had a small drinks reception. In the past, i would have avoided this type of scenario to scurry off home to my dark fap cave but not this time. Anyway, about five people turned up including me and two girls. We had a nice chat among us, told some jokes and again, the extroverted side of me came out - that hunter instinct. It was an amazing feeling.

Then, when that all ended, the thought of going back to an empty apartment and spending an evening alone made me very depressed. As soon as i got in, i dumped by stuff and decided to head back to the park to do some training.

While there, i did feel very depressed. All these pretty girls walking around, couples out with their kids, people laughing - eh, the regret. So i went and did some body-weight dips and some chin ups. While on the chin up bar, this little kid - about 8 years old - came up to me and said he wanted to train with me. So, i lifted him up and helped him do 5. I gave him a High 5 at the end and he said 'Thank You Mister!' and ran off. Man, it made me think of my old man and me and wanting my own kids. I felt happy at helping the young man but sad about not having my own son.

Having done a decent work out, i walked home. But, i had promised myself i would not leave there without talking to at least one girl. Not being brave enough (yet) to do a cold approach, i did the old "Hey can you help me to find my AirBnb?" routine on two very cute girls who were just there nattering. To my surprise, they were very warm. One offered me a French Fry and flirted with me with these amazing blue eyes of hers. I felt the hunter instinct again but couldn't quite figure out how to wrap it up. Anyway, despite that, this simple event for me was like Armstring landing on the Moon - i have never been this type of guy in my life; you know, the guy who goes up to random broads and says whatever and could care less about the outcome, rejection and all. One small step for a [recovering] fapper, one giant leap for all [recovering] fapkind.

I must keep working at this because the sociability aspect has always been where i have failed at recovery in the past i.e. reach Day 40 and, balls bursting with creamy goodness but noone to share it with. I don't want a hooker; i want someone who likes me and who i like.

I feel exhausted right now - emotionally and physically. One step at a time.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Given zero of my buddies are around on Saturday night, i felt i would give a brief wrap up of the past two days.

Day 20 - 4/10

I was apprehensive the whole day. Did not run into any of the aforementioned ladies i had hoped so that was kind of disappointing.

Leaving Lithuania, i felt happy and sad. Happy because i had made it through an entire week with no fap and very controlled eating and also more outgoing and happy around others but sad because there is oppurtunity there that i wish i had had more time to exploit. An employee of mine graciously mailed me after i had left to say that he would be more than happy to have me come back there and he would help sort out accomodation. A very kind gesture.

Anyway, on the flight back home, i reaffirmed my commitment to chat to at least two girls on the entire trip. Well, i managed to chat up a 20-something year-old at the airport - just casual chit-chat - for five minutes. On the flight, i then struck up a conversation with my seat mate - a guy - who turned out to be a decent guy and we really bro'd down for 3 hours. So the sociability aspect of the reboot is kicking in.

But i still feel like shit. Arriving home last night, i was overcome with a sense of despair at being in my empty apartment. It is a beautiful apartment with sweeping views out onto the Mediterranean - but it is empty and is therefore a monument to my poor life choices. Eh.

Day 21 - 4/10

Woke up after a 5 hour snooze. I don't dream anymore. I just go unconscious and then wake up thinking "fuck, another day of this BS". Again despair and emptiness. No urge for porn whatsoever, zero libido.

Went to gym where i hammered out a decent workout. My weight has gone down and so have my manboobs. Met a guy who does yoga there and chatted to him (something i have avoided in the past). I get the feeling he is depressed as he spends 3 hours in the gym doing occasional exercises and then walks around. Came up to me 3 times to chat about arbitrary stuff. Sort of like he doesn't want to leave. I hope he is OK.

Came home and felt happy about the workout but then sad at being alone again. Had an afternoon nap then decided to go to Mass.

At Mass, there is this girl who always walks past me but who i have never really chatted to. So tonight, i waited outside Mass and instead of coming up with some stupid excuse to chat to her, i simply said, "Hi, i see you here at Mass quite often and thought i'd introduce myself". Anyway, she was a very nice girl but then i went and screwed it up by coming on way too strong - so string that it sounded like i was just talking to her to try and get laid. Yadayadayada she told me she has a boyfriend but let me down gently. So now the only girl at my church thinks i come there to try and get laid. While this does suck, the upside is that it does allow me to regauge my approach to chatting to girls. I came home and again felt depressed but not because of the rejection (it was actually a real rush man). So progress on the confidence front.

Emotionally, i still feel shit. I find no joy in anything to do with my work which is done remotely. On Monday, i'll go to a communal workspace and be around people again - that should help distract me.

I have these very big mood swings. From depression to intense happiness. The approach of the church girl gave me a rush but after it ended i came down and felt shit again. In my most depressing moments, i have thoughts of the 36-year-old laughing at me again and damn if it hurts. I find myself praying very intensely during those moments as i feel so helpless and humiliated; like these thoughts really make me question this whole reboot thing. I wish she would just leave my thoughts forever.

I have started reading through Martin Seligmann's Learned Optimism book - basically, it is a method that seeks to change a negative, pessimistic mindset to a positive one my forcing you to stop, scrutinize your internal dialogue and dispute any negative conclusions you have reached.

But in the end, he says, and this is a no-brianer, "you are a product of your own internal dialogue; you become what you think, and if you only visualize failure, well guess where you're going to end up?"

The fight goes on my fellow no-fap brothers.

 

[malando]

You go to Mass to get laid?

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

lol no i don't go to Mass to get laid. But the girl there now thinks i do because of how our conversation came off (too much baby batter on the brain i guess )

 

[Unbreakable]

Just wanted to chime in. You're like me in many ways. We're the exact same age, and have the same neuroticism and mood swings. Dunno how much of it can be attributed to porn. Some of it, at least, as your levels of dopamine and serotinin in the brain gets seriously depleted.

I'm not going to turn this into a discussion of game with women, but ... women can be cruel. You lament this situation of this 36 year old making fun of your wish to start a family. Thing is with women is that you should never really tell them about your plans and hopes, just demonstrate. Women follow implication and demonstration of strength, but they are inclined to disbelieve you if you tell them what you want. They see it as a sign of disingenuity and even weakness.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Just wanted to chime in. You're like me in many ways. We're the exact same age, and have the same neuroticism and mood swings. Dunno how much of it can be attributed to porn. Some of it, at least, as your levels of dopamine and serotinin in the brain gets seriously depleted.

I'm not going to turn this into a discussion of game with women, but ... women can be cruel. You lament this situation of this 36 year old making fun of your wish to start a family. Thing is with women is that you should never really tell them about your plans and hopes, just demonstrate. Women follow implication and demonstration of strength, but they are inclined to disbelieve you if you tell them what you want. They see it as a sign of disingenuity and even weakness.

Yes i've always been prone to extreme mood swings; it's like i vacillate between one end of the emotional spectrum and the other - everything is either black or white with only occasional shades of grey. Thing is, the swings have really become more pronounced since i stopped jerking it and really confronted my situation as is.

Hmmm, what do you mean by 'implication and demonstration of strength' in my case Unbreakable? You mean 'do' rather than just 'talk'? In this case, how do you reckon i could have done that?

With this girl, i knew her as one person and then another after our second date. During our second date, she basically came out and told me that everything she had told me before was BS and revealed her true self; very selfish, shallow and cruel. I was completely taken aback - shocked in fact - as that wasn't the person she appeared to be on our first date. In retrospect, maybe i was looking at this with rose-tinted glasses - a poor divorcee who had been hurt by her scumbag husband. But turns out, she had been abused - not sure what form of abuse as she didn't want to say anything - by her brother and father and now has zero relationship with them (she had told me on our first date that she really only spoke to her Dad whom she loved). After her divorce, she dated three guys each of whom were abusive (you can see the trend now).

 

[Unbreakable]

Hmmm, what do you mean by 'implication and demonstration of strength' in my case Unbreakable? You mean 'do' rather than just 'talk'? In this case, how do you reckon i could have done that?

With this girl, i knew her as one person and then another after our second date. During our second date, she basically came out and told me that everything she had told me before was BS and revealed her true self; very selfish, shallow and cruel. I was completely taken aback - shocked in fact - as that wasn't the person she appeared to be on our first date. In retrospect, maybe i was looking at this with rose-tinted glasses - a poor divorcee who had been hurt by her scumbag husband. But turns out, she had been abused - not sure what form of abuse as she didn't want to say anything - by her brother and father and now has zero relationship with them (she had told me on our first date that she really only spoke to her Dad whom she loved). After her divorce, she dated three guys each of whom were abusive (you can see the trend now).

That's the problem. With porn addiction, you start from a very weak point, so it's hard to just "do." My strategy is to be open to my love interests about the situation, but that means the woman has to have a heart. In your case, she was not a woman to be relied upon.

Many people are damaged these days, both men and women. In a way, it's how one elect to approach the situation that can make a difference. It's easy to become a negative person. It's hard to try your best day by day, but that is what we must do.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Hmmm, what do you mean by 'implication and demonstration of strength' in my case Unbreakable? You mean 'do' rather than just 'talk'? In this case, how do you reckon i could have done that?

With this girl, i knew her as one person and then another after our second date. During our second date, she basically came out and told me that everything she had told me before was BS and revealed her true self; very selfish, shallow and cruel. I was completely taken aback - shocked in fact - as that wasn't the person she appeared to be on our first date. In retrospect, maybe i was looking at this with rose-tinted glasses - a poor divorcee who had been hurt by her scumbag husband. But turns out, she had been abused - not sure what form of abuse as she didn't want to say anything - by her brother and father and now has zero relationship with them (she had told me on our first date that she really only spoke to her Dad whom she loved). After her divorce, she dated three guys each of whom were abusive (you can see the trend now).

That's the problem. With porn addiction, you start from a very weak point, so it's hard to just "do." My strategy is to be open to my love interests about the situation, but that means the woman has to have a heart. In your case, she was not a woman to be relied upon.

Many people are damaged these days, both men and women. In a way, it's how one elect to approach the situation that can make a difference. It's easy to become a negative person. It's hard to try your best day by day, but that is what we must do.

I concur man Unbreakable. Thanks for your input, i appreciate it

The only way out of this rut, or any rut in life i guess, is to keep trying and keep hoping that it will eventually turn for the better, no matter how hopeless it may all seem.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 23 - 5/10

Not a bad day. Though i did feel more emotionally stable - better able to handle the waves of depression/despair- i had very low self-esteem throughout the day. Despite making progress on my fat loss, i felt very self-conscious and ugly. Not sure if this is a result of porn withdrawal or my subconscious still trying to deal with my rejection.

I start work on Sunday so for sociability, i went out with my downstairs neighbours for lunch. There, i chatted to a waitress but nothing in-depth ("Hey where are you from? etc").

Came home and had a rest. During PMO, i would need a 1hour siesta after lunch, but that has now gone. Although i still struggle with brain fog, i feel more stamina. In the evening, i went to have tea with my neighbours again and then later on, around midnight, i went for a walk at an old monastery that overlooks my town. Very good place to go and reflect at the end of the week.

I still struggle to comprehend the concept that there is no PMO for me anymore, ever. That is why i am going through this crap; to escape this hell once and for all. But, i am afraid that as i recover from the pain of my rejection, which i am doing - slowly, that my raison d'etre for doing this whole cold-turkey thing will dissipate. In the past, some painful emotional event that forces me to confront my empty life has always been my trigger to go on these self-cleansing streaks only for them to peter out once i recover from the shock. Then porn temptation returns, i buckle, and the cycle starts all over again.

This time, i want it to be different - i want to be happy again and to realize my true potential. I don't want to go through this agony ever again.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 24 - 6/10

The day started off OK. Woke up feeling so and so - content but again with the underlying feeling of sadness. Still felt self-conscious throughout the day while self-esteem felt very low. No porn thoughts or fantasies but have been getting semi chubs during the morning.

I changed my work habit and went and found a communal workspace in town. It was a good experience - met lots of friendly Millenials and hipsters (not really my type of people) who were very welcoming. Upside: They have a social calendar where they go for walks and do yoga etc; Downside: they're all dudes (while women do use the space, none really hang out) and it is in an awkward part of town where parking is a pain in the ass to find. But what the hell, i'll give it the old college try.

In the evening, I felt knackered and pretty down because I hadn't fulfilled my objective - talk to at least one girl. So i took the plunge and went to a Salsa class. Holy crap man, it was brimming with hotties all eager to dance and all beginners (like me). Plus, they force you to dance with different people. I felt very anxious at first as there were all these mirrors around and again, the whole self-conscious/body image thing played up. Anyway, as the evening progressed, i relaxed and it was fun. When i get back from my next trip in 2 weeks time, i'll sign up for more.

I went home with my dick held high (not literally) given i had ventured out of my comfort zone and actually had fun.

BUT, the day didn't go all well. While no porn or anything (i have been puritanical about triggers), i again had dreams about 36-year-old etc. Whereas before i had dreamless sleeps, now i see her every damn night and its always a dream where we live happily ever after etc. only to be humiliated in the end. I wake up with a pounding heart which takes around 30 minutes to recover from and return to zzz. I guess my subconscious is now trying to deal with this BS and, like PMO, i hope the process doesn't drag on as it fucks with my head alot.

 

[mattdes]

Wow!!! I'm impressed you are really brave man. I'm dying to go to a salsa class but haven't got the balls to do it. Remember one thing though... Dudes have female friends and their girlfriends have female friends. You'll be meeting girls in no time. Keep going buddy you are really pushing yourself.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Wow!!! I'm impressed you are really brave man. I'm dying to go to a salsa class but haven't got the balls to do it. Remember one thing though... Dudes have female friends and their girlfriends have female friends. You'll be meeting girls in no time. Keep going buddy you are really pushing yourself.

Thanks a bunch my man! It was actually exhilirating afterwards in the car when driving home - I felt this real sense of accomplishment.  This whole no-fap thing has really pushed me out of my comfort zone for better and for worse i guess. You are right about the guys having chicks who have other friends. I will keep them good as i need as big a social circle as i can get at this point.


Day 25 - 5/10

After my little dance class thing the night before, i woke up feeling good with myself. Went to gym in the morning. Right in the middle of squats, some very inconsiderate twit decided it would be a great idea to screw with the rack. I blurted out "Can you wait one fucking minute asshole!?" to which the guy gawked at me, and I at him, and he walked away. I would have stepped off on the guy, but was too exhausted from squats. So why is this a big deal? In the past, i would have just ignored what he did and said nothing - passiveness. But my swollen cojones have apparently given me so much added testosterone that now i am the gym dickhead (or just being 'more assertive' depending on your point of view).

For my chat-to-two-girls-per-day quest, i went and chatted to a Russian personal trainer and asked for advice on doing some translations (she dabbles in the business). From the point of view of making new friends it was a pretty useless conversation that went nowhere, largely due to the language barrier and her being pretty icey as a person (I have tried to say hi in the past but have been greeted with a frozen glare). Still, i am glad i did actually force myself to do it as opposed to wimping out or simply not caring.

On the way out, saw a Chinese guy i have known for a while but never had comms with. He is a flight attendant so should be gregarious by nature. Will hit him up for a drink in future.

Went back home and while doing some work, had urges to check out porn and fap. I kept them at bay i am happy to say. The thought of failing now would hurt too much.

Overall, i am becoming more confident with being alone (last 15 days have been a living hell emotionally) and am finding myself feeling calmer and more stable. The problem with this, however, is i get attacked by thoughts of the 36-year-old when i am alone. There, i am on the 'bargaining' phase of the grief cycle at the moment ("I should just call her up and maybe we can be friends lol" type BS).

Will return to the communal workspace today. Have yoga this evening.

My downstairs neighbours, who have been my emotional crutch over these past two weeks, have had a huge fight and have split up. So that emotional island of repose is out of the question now other than to help the guy, who has helped me alot in the past. Another 'happy place' that i can't use as a refuge. Damn.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 26 - 6/10

Felt better all-round. The day started off so and so but gradually I began to feel happier and more confident during the course of the day. I had a dream about my first girlfriend (the one who dumped me because of erectile dysfunction when i was 23) and woke up with strong morning wood. I haven't spoken to her in 14 years and have no idea what has happened to her. Was thinking about getting back in touch with her and going to see her. I'll think about it some more.

Anyway, weight-loss has added to my sense of achievement as am now down 2.2kgs/5lbs since Day 1.  Went to yoga last night and was greeted with a big hug by the instructor (i did four lessons with her a year ago. Surprisingly, she remembered my name and everything) which was very welcome. She is a 55-year-old Russian milf who really sets the benchmark for toned feminine physiques. After that, i went to the Salsa class and chatted to the instructor there. I want to carry on and she will give me a private lesson in 2 weeks time (she is a very sexy woman what with the whole dancing thing and all. But, with the amount of sausage that gets thrown at her on a daily basis, she is pretty reserved and proper with her students. So should be fun).

During the afternoon, i had thoughts about porn - the urge to look at it and crank one out is growing - but i was able to subdue it. Reading through the journals of guys who have beaten this BS is a real inspiration and i want to be part of that elite clique. I know i have the self-discipline and determination to do it, now all i need is patience.

On the downside, I still have a lot of brain fog - my procrastination has risen to new levels and i struggle to focus. Mentally, i am all over the place and in real need of a break. Tomorrow, i leave for a 2-week vacation (not really a holiday; more a family business trip) which will give me time to relax with friends.

Will still update the journal but maybe more erratic.

 

[mattdes]

This is all very positive pal.Two thumbs up! I lost 1.5 kgs this week too!! Big slap on the back for both of us haha. All of this is taking us in the right direction. Wouldnt recommend getting back in contact with any exs though. Usually ends in disaster. Onwards and upwards. Plenty of new women out there just waiting to meet us.Lucky them!!

 

[malando]

Can we dial down the porn terminology? Terms like "Milf" are not appropriate on this forum.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

This is all very positive pal.Two thumbs up! I lost 1.5 kgs this week too!! Big slap on the back for both of us haha. All of this is taking us in the right direction. Wouldnt recommend getting back in contact with any exs though. Usually ends in disaster. Onwards and upwards. Plenty of new women out there just waiting to meet us.Lucky them!!

Thanks a bunch man Matt, your words of encouragement mean alot to me . On reflection, i reckon you're right about the whole exs thing. I guess it's my mind looking for what i see as low-hanging fruit; an easy way out but which could result in more problems if it doesn't go the way you expect it to.

Can we dial down the porn terminology? Terms like "Milf" are not appropriate on this forum.

Roger that Malando. My bad.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Just an update.

Day 28/29 were a living hell. Out of nowhere, i flatlined hard with a wave of anxiety attacks and severe depression. When i arrived here in Italy on holiday, i was hopeful of a break. But no so such luck. Have felt miserable since Friday overwhelmed with feelings of regret, despair, and worthlessness.

It all started on Friday afternoon when i got in. I felt so self-conscious in these crowds of people. Zero inclination to try chat to anyone. Even the chat-to-two-girls-per-day quest was put on hold because i just felt like crap - no self-esteem or confidence. Then, getting to my buddy's place, i felt a bit better. There, i was able to talk to him about the last shitty 9 months of my life including coming out to him about being a porn addict. Guy was very sympathetic and agreed that porn was incredibly destructive (although he uses it in his life when his wife doesn't give him any).

Actually talking to someone about it really helps. And turns out that the symptoms i described about being an addict, could be applied to a bunch of other guys in his social circle who are also chronic fappers. In fact, he asked me to talk to them about the whole addiction thing (i declined - don't feel like going all Nancy Reagan on this no-porn/no-fap thing until i get it under control).

Some other thoughts on what happened during these past two days of hell. I felt intense regret about how it ended with 26-year-old (not 36-year-old). Regret at me having cut ties with her when she wanted love and especially how i intentionally hurt her during the process. On Friday night, i unblocked her from Whatsapp only to find she had deleted her account altogether. So she is gone for good now and i have no closure. I guess i got what i deserved in the end.

In terms of recovery, i have had zero inclination to look at porn or fap over these past two days. I do, however, wake up with stiffies but soon lose them when i am reminded of  the predicament i am in. Reading about others accounts of what they went through between Day 30-60 really helps as it puts these waves of despair into perspective ('feel them, acknowledge them, but realize they are fleeting moments' is the best assessment i read). I can rationalize why i am feeling these shitty thoughts but that doesn't diminish their impact; i can feel something isn't quite right in my head at the moment but know it is changing for the better.

In these dark moments, i have really prayed for help in carrying this cross. Thank you St Jude for helping me.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 30/31/32

Overall, 4.5/10

Things have settled down following the panic and anxiety attacks of last week. I have gone from feeling 0 to around 4-5/10. While i can now recover a lot faster from these depressing episodes, they are still pretty brutal to deal with. Note to self - don't go on holiday during a reboot.

Self-esteem is still low as i haven't had a chance to get out and do some real training. Diet has also gone to shit because, well, its Italy and who doesn't want to stuff their face with real pizza and real gelato? Will keep that under control though because, in my experience, once i get sloppy with one part of my life, the others follow suit and, before you know it, everything has been reset back to 0.

Have been going out with friends but have felt very self-conscious. The lack of self-esteem has also had impact in that i feel very socially withdrawn when talking to people here - women in particular. A complete contrast to 2 weeks ago. Going out with buddies and hearing about their respective slay counts also hits home as my only crowning achievement for the past 6 months is not having fucked my hand during the last 1 month. But still, i'll push on. The next milestone for me is Day 40 as then i am in uncharted territory (previous record was 37 days done during Lent this year).

As the pain of rejection gradually diminishes, so i am getting more thoughts of porn - especially at night. This morning, i was going through my phone records and discovered a few callgirls' pictures in my history. While i lingered over them, i ultimately deleted them. I don't want porn anymore, i don't want this misery, regret and emptiness that i feel on a daily basis. I just want to be free.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Day 33/34/35

Overall, 5/10

Things have been starting to stabilize emotionally and mentally. I still have mood swings and bouts of depression but they are more manageable now. I am growing more confident being alone (as opposed to being terrified during Weeks 1-4) which is a welcome relief. Although i am feeling increasingly horny, no real temptation to look at porn but definitely an urge to fap which i have averted.

Anyway, i am on Week 2 of my vacation and head back home on Friday. This past Friday night, something weird happened. I was going through my old phone role and found i hadn't completely deleted 26-year-old from my contacts list with her number still active and unblocked on Telegram.

With some encouragement from my buddy, i sent her a message telling her how much i regretted how we left things and how i miss her. Yadayadadayada she responded and told me she still thinks about us alot and the time we spent together and also regrets how it all ended. So i have a shot at trying to win her back. BUT she lives in the Middle East now so it will take some added work on my part to get her to agree to meet me again. No doubt she is also making it as hard as possible for me to win back her affection but somehow, i'll figure it out. Thank you St. Jude for answering my prayer.

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

Well, i had a call with 26-year-old and got shut down.

Told her how i felt, which she acknowledged, but said she never expected to hear back from me. Said she has moved on and is now in a different place in her life and can't really imagine us getting back together given the distance. Man this fucking sucks and hurts. I really thought this would be my way out of hell but now have a week of sleeplessness and depression to look forward to.

Mattdes, you were right man, getting back in touch with exes = not a good idea especially in the midst of a hardmode reboot where you have no real options re punani and the urge to return to PMO now grows exponentially.

Damn it.