I think the fact that you saw an ex-girlfriend in a foreign country as your potential saviour says a lot about the desperation you find yourself in. I think you need to forget the idea that anyone is going to rescue you. What you need is to find a better relationship with yourself, not be putting your destiny in the the hands of others - who may or may not reject you. You won't find a healthy relationship in a state of desperation. You need to be ok and self-sufficient to have any chance of having a healthy relationship - otherwise you will burden your girlfriend with your well-being. Don't use a girlfriend to treat your depression - it won't work, and it's not fair on her. Forget quick fixes. First, get through your reboot. Until you reboot, you aren't good relationship material - even if your dick does work. It's an attitude thing, and it's a confidence thing. You need to know that you are bringing a good version of yourself to any new relationship. Save yourself the heartache of messing up another relationship. Get yourself together first, and your next relationship will be so much more rewarding.
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Fapping, pliz go ->
- Thread starter The Unhappy Fapper
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The Unhappy Fapper
Member
malando said:I think the fact that you saw an ex-girlfriend in a foreign country as your potential saviour says a lot about the desperation you find yourself in. I think you need to forget the idea that anyone is going to rescue you. What you need is to find a better relationship with yourself, not be putting your destiny in the the hands of others - who may or may not reject you. You won't find a healthy relationship in a state of desperation. You need to be ok and self-sufficient to have any chance of having a healthy relationship - otherwise you will burden your girlfriend with your well-being. Don't use a girlfriend to treat your depression - it won't work, and it's not fair on her. Forget quick fixes. First, get through your reboot. Until you reboot, you aren't good relationship material - even if your dick does work. It's an attitude thing, and it's a confidence thing. You need to know that you are bringing a good version of yourself to any new relationship. Save yourself the heartache of messing up another relationship. Get yourself together first, and your next relationship will be so much more rewarding.
Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts Malando; it means alot to me to have an outside perspective on everything and in particular, helping me figure out what i am doing wrong.
In retrospect, you are right; my desperation to escape this pain is making me even more desperate to find that one girl who will be my saviour and take away my suffering. That i ultimately project onto her which then scares her away leaving my vicious cycle to repeat itself - Desperation-Rejection-Depression-Recovery-PMO-*Major Life Incident* and repeat.
One thing i have learned in these past 5 weeks is that i was using PMO as a means to numb the pain i have felt as a result of the constant rejection, loneliness, and ultimately depression in my life. Now that i have removed PMO, i have suddenly been confronted with the real reality of my life - near 40 years old and alone - and that terrifies me. Last week, i went back to a place i used to live in 10 years ago and felt sick to my stomach knowing that the emptiness i felt then is still with me and basically nothing has changed - except i have gotten older and breaking the cycle has become even harder.
While i have read some positive accounts of how breaking porn addiction has done wonders for some guys and their love lives, i have also read others where guys have gone 500 days hardmode and still failed to make any progress on the romantic front. If that's the case, then what was the whole point of going through NoFap hell? These guys were better off jerking it. And although i can't count myself in that realm just yet, past life experience tells me i might and again, that scares me shitless. But that pessimistic mindset is what i have to change and the only way to do so is to keep trying (as much as that sucks).
What i realize is, love is a numbers game. Not everyone is going to like you and vice versa. My problem is, i don't have the social network that allows me to go through the numbers that would allow me to eventually meet someone right. So, i end up going for broke with the few women i do develop a close bond to, laying it on the table, and then losing it all. The cycle i mentioned above, repeats itself.
So, given what you have said Malando, about getting myself back together again and turning myself into a more confident, self-accepting guy, my first job will be to focus on getting through the reboot and trying to be happy with me, making friends, expanding my social network, and then see where that all goes. The only thing honestly keeping me going at this point is NoFap in the hopes ridding myself of porn addiction will help give me the social and emotional tools i need to eventually find that someone and have a happy relationship. The problem is, i'm not a patient person when it comes to enduring pain.
But if anything, what this whole episode (if you include 36-year-old's rejection to this) has taught me is how much of my life was robbed by porn. Lying to myself that i was happy being alone when the reality was completely the opposite. Instead of confronting my fears of rejection, i ran away from them and chose the easy path - PMO. Despite this pain, I don't ever want to go back to it again.
One day, when this is all over and i have succeeded, I'm going to return to this post and remember what i felt.
The Unhappy Fapper
Member
Hola amigos, its Day 45 of no PMO - hurah!
To give you all an update given my recent silence. Am still going strong on the No Fap front. The thought of porn has no appeal to me at this point.
In terms of positives realized thus far, erectile dysfunction is dissipating and my overall general mood has improved. I feel more 'alive' than i ever have; music has more meaning, i enjoy doing out for drives more, i have continued my weight loss (down 4 kgs/8.8lbs since August) and fitness, and physically, i feel better. I finally told my mother about my addiction and told her what i had been going through these past 6 weeks and how the past 15 years of my life had been affected by porn. She was very understanding and i feel i really reached a new level with her (never had this type of communication with her in the past). So i am really happy for that. She has talked to me a lot in these past few days and has been a real rock.
However, i am still prone to these waves of anxiety and depression, the last of which took place yesterday. Each one of these things really disrupts me given how intense they are. In particular, they really affect my judgement and how i perceive events and people. I guess being back in my empty apartment and the memory of recent events has served as a trigger. Psychologically it has put me under a lot of strain - one moment i feel like a king, the next i feel like total shit.
Things with the 26-year-old have also taken a bizarre turn.
When last i wrote, i said she had said she had moved on and didn't feel anything for me. I accepted that but well, turns out that she hadn't told me everything. She told me later last week that a week before i messaged her, she had reached out to me first but because i didn't see her message (had uninstalled the program), she deleted it (has insisted it was neutral 'Hey how are?' type thing but i have gleaned more than that from our recent chats). She said she still has feelings for me but wasn't sure what to say when we spoke the first time. She wants to meet me in the coming weeks to see if we still have any chemistry.
We've talked every day since then, sometimes for 3 hours on the phone where it hasn't always been cheerful (unsurprisingly). During our first few chats, i had to explain why i dropped her for which i was labelled an "insecure, immature boy who isn't a man". I didn't tell her about Porn Addiction as that would be a ridiculous excuse to use. She told me i had really hurt her when i dumped her and that it will take a lot for me to get her back. But the weird thing is, sometimes, she will reminisce about our time together and flirt but when i try expand on those happy moments, i get severely rebuffed and told to back off ("Stop getting the wrong idea about this all").
As with all of Unhappy Fapper's drama-filled private life, there is a kicker to this all. She is currently fuckbuddies with a married man back in her own country ("Nothing serious") which she says she wants to break off if things with me work out. The fact she is cheating on someone, for me, is a red flag. Also, her sexual history is a lot longer than she had told me initially which also bugs me.
Given all of this, i honestly have no idea what to do right now. My buddies and even my Mom (which was a real surprise) said that if i can keep it purely unemotional with her, then go for it. But in my current state, as Malando pointed out above, i know that's not possible but i don't have the strength just yet to break it off again. The thought of going back to emptiness terrifies me.
I have this gut feeling that i am being led on and that she's going to exact her revenge on me. But there, i am not sure if this is my current shitty recovery state playing tricks on me and making me paranoid (the poor judgement aspect of these waves of depression and anxiety) or if i am seeing things as they really are.
Last night, during my depressive episode, i went to visit my downstairs neighbours, one of whom claims to be a 'psychic'. Now, i have never asked these people anything about my life or future because i don't believe in what they do. But when talking to them about my current difficulties and life, the lady told me 'the spirits had told her that this girl is very two-faced and deceptive'. Now, while i don't believe in this sort of stuff, what she said only poured more fuel on an already smouldering fire of self-doubt. However, to prove to myself that this was all BS, I tossed in a few bogus questions about bogus people to this so-called 'analysis' and got BS answers which pretty much disproves the veracity of these so-called readings. Still, the added doubt remains.
I know this all sounds pathetic guys, and it is. I know what has to be done but just don't have the courage and strength for it at this point. I know i'm on the Titanic, its just i keep hoping i'll be one of the guys to land a seat in a lifeboat when shit hits the fan and not be one who ends up drowning in an ice-cold ocean of regret and heartbreak (which seems the most likely outcome).
To give you all an update given my recent silence. Am still going strong on the No Fap front. The thought of porn has no appeal to me at this point.
In terms of positives realized thus far, erectile dysfunction is dissipating and my overall general mood has improved. I feel more 'alive' than i ever have; music has more meaning, i enjoy doing out for drives more, i have continued my weight loss (down 4 kgs/8.8lbs since August) and fitness, and physically, i feel better. I finally told my mother about my addiction and told her what i had been going through these past 6 weeks and how the past 15 years of my life had been affected by porn. She was very understanding and i feel i really reached a new level with her (never had this type of communication with her in the past). So i am really happy for that. She has talked to me a lot in these past few days and has been a real rock.
However, i am still prone to these waves of anxiety and depression, the last of which took place yesterday. Each one of these things really disrupts me given how intense they are. In particular, they really affect my judgement and how i perceive events and people. I guess being back in my empty apartment and the memory of recent events has served as a trigger. Psychologically it has put me under a lot of strain - one moment i feel like a king, the next i feel like total shit.
Things with the 26-year-old have also taken a bizarre turn.
When last i wrote, i said she had said she had moved on and didn't feel anything for me. I accepted that but well, turns out that she hadn't told me everything. She told me later last week that a week before i messaged her, she had reached out to me first but because i didn't see her message (had uninstalled the program), she deleted it (has insisted it was neutral 'Hey how are?' type thing but i have gleaned more than that from our recent chats). She said she still has feelings for me but wasn't sure what to say when we spoke the first time. She wants to meet me in the coming weeks to see if we still have any chemistry.
We've talked every day since then, sometimes for 3 hours on the phone where it hasn't always been cheerful (unsurprisingly). During our first few chats, i had to explain why i dropped her for which i was labelled an "insecure, immature boy who isn't a man". I didn't tell her about Porn Addiction as that would be a ridiculous excuse to use. She told me i had really hurt her when i dumped her and that it will take a lot for me to get her back. But the weird thing is, sometimes, she will reminisce about our time together and flirt but when i try expand on those happy moments, i get severely rebuffed and told to back off ("Stop getting the wrong idea about this all").
As with all of Unhappy Fapper's drama-filled private life, there is a kicker to this all. She is currently fuckbuddies with a married man back in her own country ("Nothing serious") which she says she wants to break off if things with me work out. The fact she is cheating on someone, for me, is a red flag. Also, her sexual history is a lot longer than she had told me initially which also bugs me.
Given all of this, i honestly have no idea what to do right now. My buddies and even my Mom (which was a real surprise) said that if i can keep it purely unemotional with her, then go for it. But in my current state, as Malando pointed out above, i know that's not possible but i don't have the strength just yet to break it off again. The thought of going back to emptiness terrifies me.
I have this gut feeling that i am being led on and that she's going to exact her revenge on me. But there, i am not sure if this is my current shitty recovery state playing tricks on me and making me paranoid (the poor judgement aspect of these waves of depression and anxiety) or if i am seeing things as they really are.
Last night, during my depressive episode, i went to visit my downstairs neighbours, one of whom claims to be a 'psychic'. Now, i have never asked these people anything about my life or future because i don't believe in what they do. But when talking to them about my current difficulties and life, the lady told me 'the spirits had told her that this girl is very two-faced and deceptive'. Now, while i don't believe in this sort of stuff, what she said only poured more fuel on an already smouldering fire of self-doubt. However, to prove to myself that this was all BS, I tossed in a few bogus questions about bogus people to this so-called 'analysis' and got BS answers which pretty much disproves the veracity of these so-called readings. Still, the added doubt remains.
I know this all sounds pathetic guys, and it is. I know what has to be done but just don't have the courage and strength for it at this point. I know i'm on the Titanic, its just i keep hoping i'll be one of the guys to land a seat in a lifeboat when shit hits the fan and not be one who ends up drowning in an ice-cold ocean of regret and heartbreak (which seems the most likely outcome).
It does sound pathetic, to be honest, but the good news is: it doesn't have to be! You can still back away from this and keep your dignity. I really recommend you do this. Do you really want to turn your life upside down for somebody in another country who is somebody's mistress? Geez, if I were going to put myself through all that, I'd make sure she was a much higher quality individual than that. Maybe she isn't all you built her up to be. Be wary of the idea that she was driven to her current behaviour by you breaking up with her (and she may well try to convince you of this because you are clearly bothered by it). The fact is, if you don't respect her, this is going nowhere. You broke up with her for a reason. She wasn't the one for you. You moved on. Just because you find yourself in a desperate situation right now, doesn't mean you should fall back into old habits or situations. Be strong, move forward. The next relationship you have should be with somebody new, with a clean slate, and with a improved and strengthened version of yourself. Give yourself some time to become this person. You are lucky that you find yourself at a stage in your life when you can afford to take the time and get yourself together. This isn't as urgent as you think it is. You have the time. Do it right. Start living up to your potential and the partner stuff will take care of itself.
The Unhappy Fapper
Member
Day 94
Hola my no-fap brosephs. Been a while since i rapped at ya so figured i'd give you an update on the how the whole recovery deal has been going. As the title suggests, it has been 94 days since i embarked on the whole no PMO journey and it has produced some great benefits although i did find myself looking at some nude pics last week. I quickly closed the pages however when realizing the path i was going down. Overall, my self-esteem has improved although my heavy workload of late has left me feeling tired and drained.
Anyway, just a quick recap for you all. So I started seeing the 26-year-old again in early October. We met up in Malta for a weekend that was also my birthday and reconnected. Very passionate stuff and, i am happy to say, no issues with getting a stiffy with her or with destroying her in bed. But, I still have problems cumming but usually can manage normal sessions with her without too much issue. Not that she complains given she is actually pretty damn horny. Given the distance between us, we try meet up either at my place or in another country every other week. Doing long-distance does suck, and i am not sure where it will lead to. But, i am glad i took the risk of reconnecting with her because the last 6 weeks have been a real chance to recover and feel alive again after such a long time of feeling empty and miserable. It is great to feel like a man again with her and to feel that sense of being alive after feeling dead for so long.
Onwards and upwards to Day 120.
Hola my no-fap brosephs. Been a while since i rapped at ya so figured i'd give you an update on the how the whole recovery deal has been going. As the title suggests, it has been 94 days since i embarked on the whole no PMO journey and it has produced some great benefits although i did find myself looking at some nude pics last week. I quickly closed the pages however when realizing the path i was going down. Overall, my self-esteem has improved although my heavy workload of late has left me feeling tired and drained.
Anyway, just a quick recap for you all. So I started seeing the 26-year-old again in early October. We met up in Malta for a weekend that was also my birthday and reconnected. Very passionate stuff and, i am happy to say, no issues with getting a stiffy with her or with destroying her in bed. But, I still have problems cumming but usually can manage normal sessions with her without too much issue. Not that she complains given she is actually pretty damn horny. Given the distance between us, we try meet up either at my place or in another country every other week. Doing long-distance does suck, and i am not sure where it will lead to. But, i am glad i took the risk of reconnecting with her because the last 6 weeks have been a real chance to recover and feel alive again after such a long time of feeling empty and miserable. It is great to feel like a man again with her and to feel that sense of being alive after feeling dead for so long.
Onwards and upwards to Day 120.