Happy to respond! Congrats on day 3! Awesome you have a dog to walk, dogs are the best.
gragnok said:
thanks for responding!
and yeah there does seem to be a lot of similarities to quitting alcohol.
and i like the thinking about all the positive stuff id rather be doing.
exercise is a big one. working out. i am pretty good about doing my cardio but i would love to try to build some muscle and get into strength training. this maybe leans into a bigger issue/what i most want out of quitting porn. i on and off do calisthenics at home (ab stuff, push ups, pull-ups) but at the gym (started going in february) I'm only comfortable on the cardio machines. I'm too intimidated/socially anxious to even walk into the weight room.
point is mostly that i am a pretty socially anxious person and I'm hoping above all that quitting porn will help with addressing this.
there's tons of other stuff, just little things. keeping my apartment nice/super clean, actually cooking healthily food for myself on a regular basis, basically just eating well in general.
i already meditate everyday and journal, habits i picked up quitting alcohol, obviously i will continue to do those.
i also have recently consider a 12 step group or maybe therapy, anyone have any experience with either of those?
probably would enter an alcohol related group if i did 12 step. just a little extra support, and i think i would benefit from helping others. (i basically got sober from alcohol on my own).
anyways really it feels like a continuation of sobriety to me, taking control over more of my life.
anyways looking forward to the journey!
Great stuff! I feel you on the anxiety. I think the porn addiction ads to it.
As far as 12 step, my personal recommendation is to stay away. I strongly recommend this especially, since you are having such great success on your own. I agree, helping others, supporting and being supported is AWESOME. The 12 step has that right but.... I went to 12 step for that reason, not taking the steps seriously. But being there for months and months, hearing over and over "you are powerless, you can't control this etc." Eventually did seep into my head and led to me relapsing super bad ( I, like you had a great clean streak going in). I left the group and it took me literally years to regain control of myself and confidence. Worst decision I ever made, was joining 12 step, set me wayyy back in many areas, from all the awful ideas and advice I got. ( The cornerstone of the program is you are powerless, it was like negative affirmations for me and really did lower my self control). They also told me you can't date until god says your ready. So I didn't date or interact with girls for like a year while relapsing all the time and trying to do the 12 steps. It was HORRIBLE. Very hard to regain a good clean streak after that ( YEARS- not until I came to this forum did I pass 30 days again. When I'd been over 100 clean when I entered 12 step- STUPID ME.) And I totally lost my confidence and skills with girls, which really hurt. Dating and rewiring had made the recovery so much easier. I still haven't had a girlfriend since then, and it took years for me to be able to rebuild my skills and get dates again......) They also have this thing like the sponsors have no ego and are just gods tool. But, god or no god, good people or not. Everyone has an ego, sponsors were competitive with each other and stuff lol.
12 Step has awesome PR, since it basically brainwashes you into thinking it's the only thing that works, so the people who it does work for make it sound awesome. But the dirty secret is the actually success rate of the program is one of the lowest out there. They aren't bad people, there are some great ideas in the program and they all genuinely want to help, but it is very very unhelpful for a lot of people, particularly if you have had success elsewhere, as they will convince you all your success on your own is false.
I strongly recommend SMART recovery, it's a SCIENCE based recovery program/ group. They have an awesome booklet for like $10. They are the second largest nonprofit recovery group in the US and I find their stuff incredibly helpful, they also have online and in person meetings. (Sunday online meeting for sexually maladaptive behaviours is good). Smart basically has a 4 point plan. 1) Build motivation 2) Dealing with urges 3) Challenging/ changing negative thought patterns 4) Finding activities you love etc. to replace the old addictive behavior. They have no position on other recovery programs, but it's basically the opposite of 12-step. It's all about teaching you over and over that you are in control and you can overcome urges, you can choose to quit the addiction etc. You are not an addict for life. ( But that doesn't mean doing addictive behaviors in moderation, they STRONGLY recommend 100% abstinence from former addictions- Which I, science and everyone else 100% agree on. They just mean you don't have to define yourself as an addict, as for many that can be counter productive. Introducing oneself like "Hi, I am quitforever then win and I am a Sex Addict" as they require or VERY STRONGLY encourage over and over really really was NOT good for me.) I have the SMart booklet and like to read through it from time to time. That and the "your brain on porn" book by Gary Wilson are gold in my opinion. You can also help people on this forum, find people in smart. etc.
Cool that you mentioned wanting to build muscle/exercise first. Because I think that's probably the best thing to start with. Cardio is the best, but lifting/ building muscle can change your body chemistry and change how you look, which really really can help with self image. Being strong feels really good, you can just feel it and it ups your confidence. To get started do what ever you feel comfortable with. One good thing from 12 step is the phrase "Progress over perfection". Maybe start with machines, or even exercise classes at your gym, to build up your strength and confidence.
Good reminder, as I think I could really use some more strength training in my life soon, so will prob add some machine workouts to my routine.
Edit: Almost missed that you asked about therapy too. My experience with therapy, is I had to try many therapists most were awful but when I found a good one it was helpful. I found things most helpful actually when I did not really talk about my addiction with the therapist. Just going there for like good advice and support. Really had to find the right person. For me, most therapists recommend either 12 step or "why don't you just watch a little porn" as really most people don't understand addiction. But again, for the support and working on other life areas (go in with an idea of what you want) it can be helpful and when I found the right person it did make it a bit easier to get a streak going. But it's not 100% necessary imo.
STAY AWAY (in my opinion) from sex therapists or people who list that they treat sex/porn addiction. As they are almost all totally uneducated about porn and the real bad effects of it ( I STRONGLY recommend "your brain on pron" by gary wilson for more about this and to really understand whats going on in your brain) . The sex/ porn/ sex addiction therapists almost exclusively have NO IDEA what they are talking about. They are usually taught "sex positivity" and do not distinguish porn from sex, they are unaware of changing sexual tastes induced by porn. They will say the addiction is a result of you not accepting your sexuality or something and try and convince you to accept you porn induced fetishes and stuff. There is zero evidence that that has anything to do with porn/ sex addiction and compulsion in just about anyone. Literally what they are taught is based on people sitting around thinking theoretically and thinking "oh, that sounds interesting" and teaching it to them in college, when it comes to sex therapists/ experts.
This happened to me, called up a "Sex addiction therapist" and they were a wackjob who said "just accept your sexuality and it won't be compulsive". That is a HUGE rationalization that my brain loved to use to try and get me to relapse. ( I gained some very disturbing fetishes from my porn addiction that absolutely did not turn me on in the past, that thankfully start to disappear as I get further and further away from porn).
Cliffs: The best resources I have found are * This forum * The smart recovery book and * "your brain on porn" by gary wilson as well as the your brain on porn website.