26 year old. Leaving porn forever

[Alexander89]

Hey guys, I've struggled on and off with porn for years.

I started watching porn heavily when I was 12 or 13. 2-3 times per day for the next 5 years. I wish I could travel back in time and tell myself how destructive it is.

I've been able to go for 200 days before, 100+ days on at least 3 occasions, and 50+ days many more times, but I always end up falling from grace. Whenever I fall, I get stuck in the cycle.

I'm not an every day user, but despite the fact that I've been trying to quit since I was 18, I still end up getting involved in some sort of porn two-three times every month. The problem is that I have an amazing girlfriend who I am super attracted to and this makes me guilty as hell.

ALSO, when we started dating years ago, I had pretty bad porn induced ED. It's significantly better than what it was, but the pathway for porn is still so strong in my brain. When I watch porn 2 or 3 times within a month, my sex drive for my girlfriend goes down significantly. This is hard to explain and kills me inside.

I'm going to try and write in this journal every day. I watched porn last night and I feel TERRIBLE: anxiety, restless, guilty, on and on. The last few times I did it I didn't feel nearly as bad. This was like a panic attack. I am happy, in a weird way, that I feel terrible because it is an obvious consequence that I don't want to feel ever again--like the threat of a hangover makes you less likely to drink, but this feels worse.

I finally understand what the word 'addiction' means. Right here and right now I admit my powerlessness, but I move forward with high hopes and a firm decision to make a change.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, welcome to the group. Being a part of this community has made a huge difference for my recovery from this addiction. Your commitment to post every day is admirable, and I think it will help you go far. Be sure to check out other people's journals and get involved. Even if you're feeling bad about things now, you have experience and insight that will help all of us too.

When I first joined here, I was coming off a couple years of relapsing about once a month. For a long time, I thought I was doing better than I was, but then it sunk it that I really had to turn things around. I was still stuck, just not as obviously.

You made the right call in posting here: we're all here to help. I know how it feels to relapse and all the disappointment and shame and guilt that go with it. But nothing in the past needs to be permanent. Tomorrow is a new day, and you have a lot more allies in the fight than you did before.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Welcome to the forum! For sure, I know what you mean about traveling back in time...

Well, really cool that you have managed to cure yourself (mostly) of the PIED. The forum helps a lot and the goal is to eventually cut it out PERMANENTLY.

If you have gotten so far on your own, you probably know a lot of your trigger's etc. so posting them here when they occur, having them documented, I think can really help to get over the hump!

Think about it.... if you are involved in porn 2-3 times a month, that is literally 90% better then before... so time to just get that last 10%!

 

[Alexander89]

Hey guys, thanks so much for checking in and taking the time to comment! That really makes me want to stick around and be a part of this community!

Today is day 2 sober. Yesterday was a cakewalk, but the day after usually is.

I'm still feeling super strong and motivated. I had an awesome night with my girlfriend last night and I found myself just looking at her with amazement and it made me RESOLUTE in my decision. I find that those who stay on the fence die on the fence (from my own personal experience).

Also noteworthy is that I'm going to Peru to do Ayahuasca on Dec.6. I will be taking part in 3 ayahuasca ceremonies and 1 San Pedro ceremony. The nature of this retreat means that I need to come pure and healthy. I'm cutting out red meat, alcohol, marijuana, etc, starting now until then...

Most importantly I am cutting out sex. Me and my girlfriend talked about it and she is totally supportive. This should give me some nice time to reboot. Of course, cutting out sex also means cutting out porn. I really feel like this is the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual reboot I need. It's time to become a new, better version of me.

 

[Alexander89]

Today is day 4.

Forgot to log yesterday but everything went smooth. Spent the day with my girlfriend and had a really awesome day.

Got some work to do this morning then I'm hanging out with her again. After that I'll be with friends tonight. Busy day which keeps PMO off my mind.

 

[Alexander89]

4 days down. Day 5 today.

It's so much easier when you make up your mind and have a reason to quit.

The last two nights I've had pretty vivid sex dreams and strong morning wood. What I've noticed though is that my sex drive is higher in my dreams than in real life.

I'm curious if that's due to sexual anxiety? Will see how it plays out over time.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 6.

Libido is picking up but I'm trying no PMO whatsoever. I'm finding meditation is super helpful.

 

[Alexander89]

Totally forgot to post here over the weekend...

10 days! I thought I was at like 8 haha.

I've noticed a bit of a lull in my libido the last few days. I spent the weekend with my girlfriend and didn't really have any desire for sex, although we are trying not to this month anyways.

Admittedly, porn has caused me a lot of sexual anxiety over the years and the last time I had sex with my girlfriend was after I recently had my last binge which caused problems. I felt guilty but didn't say anything and then lost my boner. Since then I've had performance anxiety.

I'm doing well staying clean though, but I did have a close call last night. I've noticed that I 100% have the willpower until I see a trigger of any sort of half naked woman. It's annoying as hell that porn fires my circuits more than my ridiculously sexy girlfriend.

I'm not willing to perpetuate this any longer and I am committed as ever to slaying this demon.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 14

The last few days have been really easy. Lots of morning wood lately too which is great.

Today my libido is a bit higher though and I am definitely feeling some cravings. A couple times I saw some triggering content and easily brushed it off, but now it is kind of lingering.

Overall feeling good. I typically find the two week mark to be the make or break.

Also 2 times now I've masturbated as an out. This seems to be the best solution for me when desire gets high. I just get it out of the way and don't have to spend much time fighting the desire.

 

[Markoslav]

Hey man. Glad to see you keep on rocking. I have a very similar story, currently on day 31. You have managed to go for a very long streaks, so you probably know what your triggers are. What is helping me now is to observe the pathway that leads towards the urges and binges. For me it is a specific set of behavior when i am not doing my duties and porn serves as an easiest escape route. I think it is really beneficial for you to give up weed, alcohol and sex for a while. I also had a girlfriend who was super supportive so i tried to have a sex anytime i felt a bit better, but eventually made it worse as i didnt perform the way i wanted.

I believe that your trip to Peru gonna be very beneficial for you. Wish you all the best man, stay strong !

 

[Alexander89]

Hey Marko, I was without internet for awhile and then forgot about this log for a week or two. Thanks for the suggestions, I totally agree with you.

I'm on day 42 now. Peru was super helpful as I didn't use ANY electronics for 10 days and wasn't allowed any sexual activity for 14 days surrounding the Ayahuasca ceremonies.

The last two days I have felt a lot of temptation though. I'm checking in here to really get my routine dialed back in. I deleted Youtube from my phone which seems to be a sort of trigger. I also notice that a big trigger situation is when I'm stressed. Really going to keep an eye on that.

I truly am so ready to cut the bullshit and stop relapsing.

I'm starting to visualize myself at the 100 day mark and it feels good.

 

[Alexander89]

I'm on day 46 now.

Admittedly, the last few days have presented more struggles and temptation than weeks prior.

Two out of the last 5 nights I've had wet dreams which is super weird. Last night my wet dream was porn based which is kind of disturbing seeing as I haven't watched anything for a month and a half. Just goes to show how deep the addiction lies in the mind. Thankfully, I'm doing good reminding myself that this was out of my control and in no way relates to a failure. However, situations like this usually spike temptation for the next day or two.

Another HUGE trigger for me is a neck injury I've dealt with for a long time. When it gets bad, it has the ability to ruin my mood and stress me out more than anything. When I get in that low mind space, I am far more susceptible to watch porn out of self pity. My neck has been bothering me the last few days, so this is another thing I need to remain aware of and work through.

I'm continuing to visualize myself at the 100 day mark and soak in those good feelings.

 

[Alexander89]

Another trigger I'm noticing:

I work for myself from my computer. While I work I like to listen to music. Some of my favourite music to work to is Summer House music.

The music makes me so uplifted. But as I find playlists on Youtube, they almost ALL have busty women in swimsuits. I feel like day after day this is adding up.

Going to try and find some good playlists on spotify instead. But the Youtube ones are so damn good, damnit.

 

[Alexander89]

I absolutely need to stop watching these house music videos. The thumbnails are ridiculous.

Today I stumbled upon multiple where the thumbnails are practically naked girls. I'm strong enough to resist atm, but if I keep having these triggers on a regular basis something will give. I already feel tempted.

Going to look for similar playlists on spotify.

 

[Alexander89]

Yesterday was a close call because of the reasons mentioned above.

Today is day 48.

Enough is enough. 2020 will be my best year ever!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

Keep moving forward, 2020 will be the best year yet - all because you used the support and love from others to fortify your willpower to stay away from PMO!

We've got your back my rebooting brother.

 

[WhackKerouac]

the Ayahuasca ceremonies.

How was that experience overall? And did PMO ever come up for you during them? I've always been interested in these ceremonies.

Probably a good idea to start using Spotify even though YouTube has some surprisingly good music playlists. If you can white-knuckle-it long enough to download the playlists' audio then you could get the music without the thumbnail, which is a better alternative than walking into a relapse. It is also possible that a large part of the reason you prefer the YouTube playlist is because of the thumbnails and the Spotify playlists were just as good all along. That might not be the case for you (you've had a much longer streak than me), but my brain is sort of like a porn salesman trying anything to get it's foot in the door oftentimes.

 

[Alexander89]

Hey Whack, I actually really like what you said about the spotify playlists being as good all along. To be honest, I haven't given them nearly as much of a chance, and I think you're right. Subconsciously I crave that.

As for the Ayahuasca ceremonies, they were INTENSE. Very spiritual. Everyone has different experiences so it's honestly impossible for me to recommend or not.

However, it was very purifying. I puked 4 out of 4 ceremonies because I feel like my energy and body needed cleansing from the Western lifestyle.

Anyways, today is day 49 I believe. I had another porn dream just before waking up which is always disturbing, but it reminds me to take this seriously. Normally at the 49 day mark I'd think I have this under control and wouldn't be typing in this forum.

On a side note: My libido has been quite high the last few days. I also got a payday yesterday which takes some stress off my shoulders and has me feeling a bit better, hopefully less likely to watch porn from stress.

 

[Alexander89]

End of day 50. I guess this is a pretty good accomplishment!

I definitely have some cravings lingering. Working through it one day at a time.

I gotta remember my motto: It doesn't matter how much you can get, it only matters how much you can keep. If I broke my streak at this point, I'd be extremely disappointed with myself. Self love is becoming easier at this point which is priceless in its own right.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 52

I had an opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend this morning and sexual anxiety got in the way. This was a huge buzzkill. Normally this long after quitting things should be fine.

I might be going through a bit of a flatline. I was really horny last week and this week has almost been nothing.