26 year old. Leaving porn forever

[Alexander89]

Day 55. This is the longest I've been in awhile.

I've had lots of cravings lately, but I'm definitely more self controlled and able to distance myself from the addiction and shut it down.

However, I had another porn dream last night and I actually had a wet dream to it. Honestly, I am expecting it to take all of 2020 to make a full recovery. I'm almost 27 and porn has been a huge part of my life since I was 13. That's half my life!

Patience and persistence are my greatest weapons in this game.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 56

What's bugging me the most right now is how little my girlfriend turns me on atm even though she is a smoking 10/10. We are taking a break from sex currently which takes pressure off me, but it still bothers me and worries me.

The hardest part for me about this entire process has always been the flatline. I just have to remember that this passes and brain chemistry eventually returns to normal.

I'm also trying a few new supplements too, so now I'm a bit paranoid that one of them might have killed my libido rather than it just being a flatline. For the record and my own notes, I'm currently taking curcumin, magnesium, probiotics, and shilajit. I was also taking theanine but stopped that a few days ago. Since stopping theanine and adding shilajit two nights ago, I've had much stronger morning wood and sex dreams. I'm also a little curious about the probiotics as they are the only other supplement in this mix I'm not familiar with. However, they seem to give me good energy so I won't stop taking them unless it's totally necessary.

I'll have to be patient and do some experimentation.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 57

I've been having lots of cravings lately. Not even because I'm horny, purely out of addiction. I'm honestly surprised I'm still this addicted because it has been YEARS since I was a heavy user. I guess this is what I realize every time I try a reboot.

I work from home and it's perpetually dark and rainy lately, so I spend seemingly every waking minute in my house.

 

[WhackKerouac]

I would not have expected this. What do you consider heavy use? I don't know how dark and cold it is right now where you are, but you could try going for a walk in the rain. Being inside all day without constant social interaction is one of the worst environmental causes for my cravings.

 

[Alexander89]

Hey Whack, when I was 13-18 I was probably watching twice everyday. But I was also into pretty intense stuff near the end.

In the past few years, watching porn for me is nothing more than watching a sexual gif. I purposely avoid any long videos. Gifs don't have sound either which seems to be less addictive for me.

Even then, it's never more than once a week when it's most out of control for me.

 

[Alexander89]

Anyways, I'm feeling REALLY discouraged.

It's day 58 or 59 and I had another super intense porn dream last night. WTF. Cravings have been crazy lately. I even have the effects this morning as if I did watch porn...Super anxious, low motivation, and a STRONG desire to watch.

If I wasn't already almost at two months and took extreme measures to get here, I would probably break today.

I'm really hoping that effects are non-linear, because I don't feel any bit ahead of where I started right now. I think this is one of the reasons I've caved in the past...It seems to take forever to get benefit.

One thing I am remembering is that this isn't just about sex. I've had way more mental clarity, motivation, and self love. These alone HAVE been worth it, so I will try to keep this in mind.

 

[Jeks]

Hey alex,

it sucks, but this is the nature of this addiction. For me 3-4 months went by, before i could tell that the urges definetly were not as bad as in the past.
The effects are not linear, you see it with every single person, who is rebooting. Of course, thats why we call it an addiction, we can tell that we have withdrawals. Thats the reason why it becomes worse, before it gets better. Dont let your mind play tricks on you. Your subconscious tries to convince you, that it doesnt help, so you give in again. But you know, that you are doing the right thing. Youre doing great.

 

[Alexander89]

Thanks Jeks, I really appreciate that. I feel like that's just what I needed to hear and times like these are why I am on this forum!

 

[Jeks]

Im glad, i could help 

These moments are key. When you are able to get through those tough times, results will follow soon.

 

[Relentless Observer]

Anyways, I'm feeling REALLY discouraged.

It's day 58 or 59 and I had another super intense porn dream last night. WTF. Cravings have been crazy lately. I even have the effects this morning as if I did watch porn...Super anxious, low motivation, and a STRONG desire to watch.

If I wasn't already almost at two months and took extreme measures to get here, I would probably break today.

I'm really hoping that effects are non-linear, because I don't feel any bit ahead of where I started right now. I think this is one of the reasons I've caved in the past...It seems to take forever to get benefit.

One thing I am remembering is that this isn't just about sex. I've had way more mental clarity, motivation, and self love. These alone HAVE been worth it, so I will try to keep this in mind.

It will eventually get better, but even months into it you have to stay committed and strong.  You will weaken the cravings, but don't let your guard down.  Even though it feels tough, be proud of breaking an addiction.  It alone is a huge accomplishment. 

I have taken a long time to appreciate many benefits, but I am immensely proud of myself for making the choice to get rid of porn for good.  Good luck with your reboot!

 

[Alexander89]

Hey Relentless Observer, thanks for the words!

I actually watched a porn gif and lost my streak. I'm honestly not mad at myself. I'm going to use every tactic that got me here and get right back on the horse.

It was these relentless dreams that really broke my momentum. Last night felt so vivid that it felt as if the streak had broken from that alone. I keep a timer on my phone and it's been 1389 hours, so 58 days. I MIGHT keep this going and give myself 1 error since I honestly feel sabotaged.

 

[Relentless Observer]

Hey Relentless Observer, thanks for the words!

I actually watched a porn gif and lost my streak. I'm honestly not mad at myself. I'm going to use every tactic that got me here and get right back on the horse.

It was these relentless dreams that really broke my momentum. Last night felt so vivid that it felt as if the streak had broken from that alone. I keep a timer on my phone and it's been 1389 hours, so 58 days. I MIGHT keep this going and give myself 1 error since I honestly feel sabotaged.

Stuff happens, and you shouldn't watch anything porn-related on purpose, but keeping your streak going seems good to me.  Just note that you watched it and move on.  Keep up the strength.  You made it 58 days.  You can make it another 58 days, and the momentum keeps building.
Good luck!

 

[Jeks]

Remember why you wanna quit and then get back on track. Next time you will be more aware of whats going on.

 

[Alexander89]

Thanks guys!

I used to have a group of friends who were all trying to quit together. One thing one of the guys said to me after I blew a big streak really stuck with me. It was something along the lines of: You made a mistake, that mistake doesn't have to define you. Just get back up and keep going. There was a nice analogy along side it.

In other words, because I made one mistake, I can still identify with "I don't watch porn" and mean it. Rather than look at the one loss, I'll focus on my 59 victories! 

Anyways, I got my first sober day back. I feel like this actually renewed my passion about this and forced me to reevaluate a bit.

However, temptation is definitely elevated, so I'm going to be on high alert.

 

[Alexander89]

I wanted to make a note here for myself and forgot...

The day after slipping up I felt no dip in motivation or mood, but by the evening my focus was definitely decreased. Two days later (today), my motivation and focus is definitely lower.

Also, yesterday I took shilajit, magnesium, and curcumin and had rock hard morning wood that persisted for 20 minutes until I got out of bed and then still until I went in the shower. Three possible reasons: shilajit (morning wood has definitely increased since taking this), no probiotics (been suspicious that this might be affecting my libido), or just a dopamine effect from the porn.

Another thing to note is that I had vivid sex dreams last night. How ironic that I have porn dreams when I don't watch porn and then real, highly pleasurable sex dreams (not porn) after I do.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 4 sober. 62/1.

I managed to get back on the horse without issue.

Been having strong morning wood lately. (I think this is from a supplement I'm taking called Shilajit. Timing was perfect and it's been consistent)

Also been really tired the last couple of days.

Not sure if either of those are related, but worth mentioning.

 

[Alexander89]

Day 5 sober. 63/1

Had another porn dream last night woke up feeling like I ALMOST had a wet dream. I actually felt horny though, not just purely out of addiction.

I went back to sleep and woke up still horny and with strong morning wood.

 

[Alexander89]

Been way too long since I wrote in here.

I guess today is day 19 sober. I did have one slip where I saw a few nude photos but quickly stopped myself.

Honestly though, I still crave porn very often and each day is a challenge in its own. Just have to take it one day at a time and give myself credit where it's due.

Also noteworthy is that I have a few rules for myself:

1. NEVER on my computer no matter what. I'm self employed and work from home so I can't have that type of association ever.
2. No phone in my room. I leave it in the kitchen.
3. No disabling the filter on my phone.

I don't say I'll never watch again, but I am doing my best to stick to these and finding this is easier psychologically but just as effective for the end result.

 

[bobitkitkit]

Hey, just read your journal and I think you?re doing great. Considering the fact that you?ve managed to go long periods without porn before I am highly confident you?ll be able to overcome this addiction. Just stick with it and try to replace your porn addiction with healthy and productive activities. That?ll give you something else to focus on.

Fight the urges my man and good luck with your journey.

Ps. I?ve always wanted to try Ayahuasca. So hopefully some day haha.

 

[Alexander89]

Hey Anon, thanks for the support! It really does make a difference!

As for the Ayahuasca, it's insane. Unlike mushrooms or other psychedelics, the ride doesn't end when you get home and the door never closes. Life was definitely before Ayahuasca and after Ayahuasca. Make sure you feel called to do it when you do it. It's not a party drug but a gateway to the depths of spiritual life.