So, I started my day counter when I first started experiencing panic attacks/anxiety attacks and the insomnia/sweating/hot flashes/ from rebooting. But, I now realized/know that I started rebooting earlier than that. I don't know the exact start date, but I'm estimating mid-Oct (it's the best estimation I have) is when I actually started again to reboot (not looking at any kind of soft porn or inducing sexual arousal through internet usage). That's when the symptoms of headaches, low key anxiety, lack of motivation, brain fog, underlying stress were present (although those symptoms have been present in my life for years and I couldn't pinpoint WHY it continued to be so even after I completed a 12 step program, had talked with church leaders, etc.). I had learned how to help my spirit become healthy again, but I believe I need to learn the skills to help my mental/emotional health become well again - and that meant learning what brain changes occurred while I was engaged in my addiction and what relapsing meant. I deleted my Instagram and Twitter accounts around mid - October because they were eating up my time with mindless and meaningless posts and i found myself edging to sexual posts of women in bikinis or in tight clothing at the gym, focusing on their body parts instead of them as human beings. I suppose that instead of starting Week 5 of rebooting, I'm honestly on Week 7 or so (I could be farther along, but I'm being conservative, I wish I had written down my starting date since I last watch any kind of internet pornography). I am experiencing an increase in mental focus (I'm not flitting from one thing to another as much) and my mind is starting to get excited about activities and responsibilities that I thought boring or were too much work in the past. I have really disliked the lack of focus and brain fog I've felt since rebooting, it is like my attention span is no more than a minute or two unless I exert great willpower to keep my attention on my current task (felt like I had ADHD). Some task or responsibility that shouldn't take too much brain power would leave my exhausted mentally/emotionally. On a positive note, I have been getting better sleep the last couple of days. My depression and general anxiety about life are beginning to lessen in severity, intensity, and length during the day. I still experience social anxiety, but not nearly as heavily in the past weeks. My mind is formulating how I could converse with all different kinds of people (I used to just try to avoid socialization unless I had to do it - like for an assignment or my employment). I experienced insomnia/trouble staying asleep for the last 3 weeks or so (Weeks 3-6). That was SO DIFFICULT. I'm grateful that I've realigned my priorities in my life - my emotional/mental health has moved way up for what I need to take care of everyday. PMO used to be my way of caring for my mental/emotional health. NOT ANYMORE. I've got a long ways to go still, but I'm patting myself on my back for getting this far with no PMO. Life is beginning to appear interesting again (I've felt a lot through my PMO journey that I was just reacting to life instead of living it proactively, planning out tasks and executing them, also, my emotions were something that I couldn't control, but I've learned that managing emotions comes from the frontal lobes of my brain which were impaired during chronic PMO use) and I'm excited to help that feeling to grow today and moving forward.
