A journey of self-love

[BlueHeronFan]

I think I can relate, but I have never thought about it in these terms.

I know, for me, relationship stress (break-ups, disappointments, etc.) have been big triggers for me. I think it's sort of like porn isn't what I really want, but it is always there, reliable, and "good enough" for my addicted brain. I have definitely turned to porn when I have felt like real people have let me down (which is unfair, but when are addicted brains fair?)

I'm loving your deep reflections. Understanding what makes us tick is a great way to progress in our recovery, and your thoughts and questions have really stretched me to think about things in new ways, and that's an awesome way to keep recovery from getting stale. Thanks a lot and keep it up!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

Thank you for your comments and thoughts and encouragement.

My PMO use was related to my own self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.  For me, it wasn't as related to my relationships with others.  I typically gave the best of myself to others, but on the level of personal self-care, I treated myself like garbage (mainly from the effects of using PMO - the physical brain changes of desensitization, sensitization, altered stress response, hypofrontality).  As a result of not intentionally building my own self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence organically (it grows little by little through persistent effort), I walked around feeling really bad about myself (on top of the brain changes through habitual PMO).  I'm grateful for these realizations and taking responsibility for my words, actions, and deeds.  It is a scary process to take on your own emotions when they seem so foreign to you, but I acknowledge that by insisting and persisting in what you want to be over time (beliefs, attributes, values, goals), it will come to pass.

Day by day, I'm working to strengthen the neurological connections in my brain where I know need work like trust, intimacy, self-esteem, self-belief, and other areas.  These are areas for me which weren't really existent with PMO in my life.  I've really learned RESILIENCE, PERSISTENCE, and ENDURANCE during this phase of PMO recovery (I'm coming up on 8 weeks of sobriety) while my brain is acclimating to my new sources of strength and ways to thinking.  It is really difficult at first, but that which we persist in doing becomes easier because our strength to do it increases.

Keep moving forward my rebooting brothers!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Really good thoughts!

The more I work on recovery, the more I have grown to like the person I see in the mirror every day. I really used to have a low opinion of myself, and I always felt disdain when I saw my reflection. Things are changing, though.

Keep on going, learning about yourself and learning how to take care of yourself. You're definitely worthy of it!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I know what you mean - having that disdain for myself. I agree, that does get better over recovery and time. Now, I am drawn to helping heal the large amount of insecurity I feel.  Since I turned to PMO instead of organically building a healthy love for myself (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual attributes/talents), I find myself feeling inadequate and insecure about my personality, my abilities, my looks, etc.  It was like a wave of insecurity when I woke up this morning, and my mind is working hard to get comfortable with all the facets and personal life story that make me the person that I am today. I'm coming to the realization that I didn't value what I should have valued (family, God, respectable name/reputation, life skills, friendships, emotional/mental wellness, financial stability).  All my thoughts, words, actions, and goals reflect upon me individually as a person.  That really scared me in the my past because it meant taking responsibility and accountability in my life - it was not something I practiced (hence the PMO addiction).  I'm grateful for the opportunity to start where I am and continue to shift my mindset to building security (in all facets in my life). My personal happiness is beginning to come from self-control of my thoughts, what comes out of my mouth, living by my values/beliefs, and consciously deciding which actions I want to take throughout the day.  I watched the movie "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" in theaters recently and what Mr. Rogers taught has been on my mind and is applicable here.  "I like you for you.  You are unique - there is no other person exactly like you.  Know that you are loved by many other people - special individuals who have helped you get to the point where you are now."  Those messages are hitting close to my heart and mind right now as I continue to walk through the adversity of PMO recovery and self-discovery.  It is really true, this PMO recovery has been so much more than I thought it'd be.  More so, it has been a journey of self-discovery, self-love, and a journey of knowing where my true value lies (it isn't in PMO, true human value is found within each person!).

BE RESILIENT, PERSISTENT, and ENDURE through the new mindsets in your recovery my rebooting brothers - you will grow stronger each day!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That's awesome! I know there are probably a lot of people who like you for you and that there are a lot of people who like me for me. We're our own toughest critics, tougher than we are with other people. But at least we can be confident that we're on the right track as we reclaim our self-respect.

And I know what you mean about taking accountability for our lives and addictions being a scary thing. At the start, it really can be. But the cool thing is that it becomes more empowering over time. We are in control! If we really do take accountability for our lives, we can decide what we do and how we live and nothing can stop us.

Keep on keepin' on!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I'm glad you can relate.

I think one of the more difficult parts of recovery has been accepting that the best things in life are worth don't come quickly or easily.  Living by my beliefs, convictions, and values is a lengthy process until those sink down to the core of how I operate.  Working towards marriage, a great friendship, my dream job or house take weeks, months, and years.  It is sobering.  I was so used to get what I thought I wanted (PMO) whenever I wanted it, that it tricked my brain into thinking I didn't need to sacrifice or walk through adversity/trial to reach my goals.  Pornography is a deceiver - from what journey of recovery, I'm amazed at how affected my behavior, perceptions, and attitudes were because of chronic pornography use as a teenager (while my brain was most plastic).  I'm grateful that through willpower and intentional effort that beliefs, behavior, and attitudes (about myself and others) can be changed and improved. 

My mantra throughout my recovery journey has been RESILIENCE, PERSISTENCE, and ENDURANCE because it is stinkin' hard to change so much about my life after PMO was my world.  My spirit and heart feel free, but as we all know, the mind is the hardest to convince otherwise once a habit has been formed (I'm thankful for modern technology and science which proves and can describe what has happened in the brain from habitual addictive behaviors).  But, little by little, the mind is won through an unconquerable spirit and heart! 

Press forward my rebooting brothers and win your mind back from PMO!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I think one of the more difficult parts of recovery has been accepting that the best things in life are worth don't come quickly or easily.  Living by my beliefs, convictions, and values is a lengthy process until those sink down to the core of how I operate.  Working towards marriage, a great friendship, my dream job or house take weeks, months, and years.  It is sobering.  I was so used to get what I thought I wanted (PMO) whenever I wanted it, that it tricked my brain into thinking I didn't need to sacrifice or walk through adversity/trial to reach my goals.  Pornography is a deceiver - from what journey of recovery, I'm amazed at how affected my behavior, perceptions, and attitudes were because of chronic pornography use as a teenager (while my brain was most plastic).  I'm grateful that through willpower and intentional effort that beliefs, behavior, and attitudes (about myself and others) can be changed and improved. 

This is really true, man. Even now, there are things that I know I really want, like a family and to live more according to my values, but my addicted brain keeps wanting the easy escape instead of the hard work for the real thing. It's like, "I know porn isn't really the same thing, but we can get it now with no effort, so why not?"

It's also true that recovery and healing just take time. Even when you're doing everything right, it's not like flipping a switch. Time is an essential ingredient for healing and recovery, and there's no way to do this without some patience.

It's so awesome that we really can change and that we have our whole lives ahead of us still. Sometimes I feel like I have already blown my chances, but that's just another lie that my addiction tells me. We've got this!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I know that feeling well - feeling that I had blown too many chances and made too many mistakes.  This led me to believe for a long time that I couldn't connect with others, that I wasn't loved or really known by others, and that is was hopeless to live a life free of PMO - full of genuine happiness, love, and a high quality of life.  PMO is full of so many lies!!!  All human beings can achieve that deep sense of love, direction, and purpose in their lives if they are willing to work for it by living true principles, values, and time-tested attributes. 

I'm grateful to know that happiness comes from what's happening inside of us and not what is or what is not happening around us.  That means that happiness is in MY CONTROL, which is empowering.  After all I can do and with time/patience, I know moving forward from PMO (which made me miserable in many facets of my life) is the right path towards my personal happiness.

RESILIENCE, PERSISTENCE, and ENDURANCE is what it takes to truly change.  Keep movin' forward without PMO my rebooting brothers!

 

[wecandoit]

I think one of the more difficult parts of recovery has been accepting that the best things in life are worth don't come quickly or easily.  Living by my beliefs, convictions, and values is a lengthy process until those sink down to the core of how I operate.  Working towards marriage, a great friendship, my dream job or house take weeks, months, and years.  It is sobering.  I was so used to get what I thought I wanted (PMO) whenever I wanted it, that it tricked my brain into thinking I didn't need to sacrifice or walk through adversity/trial to reach my goals.  Pornography is a deceiver - from what journey of recovery, I'm amazed at how affected my behavior, perceptions, and attitudes were because of chronic pornography use as a teenager (while my brain was most plastic).  I'm grateful that through willpower and intentional effort that beliefs, behavior, and attitudes (about myself and others) can be changed and improved. 

Yes. This is where I am. Instant (fake) relief vs real life. It's hard but not impossible since so many humans have done it without porn. This should tell us we can.

 

[wecandoit]

I know that feeling well - feeling that I had blown too many chances and made too many mistakes.  This led me to believe for a long time that I couldn't connect with others, that I wasn't loved or really known by others, and that is was hopeless to live a life free of PMO - full of genuine happiness, love, and a high quality of life.  PMO is full of so many lies!!!  All human beings can achieve that deep sense of love, direction, and purpose in their lives if they are willing to work for it by living true principles, values, and time-tested attributes. 

I'm grateful to know that happiness comes from what's happening inside of us and not what is or what is not happening around us.  That means that happiness is in MY CONTROL, which is empowering.  After all I can do and with time/patience, I know moving forward from PMO (which made me miserable in many facets of my life) is the right path towards my personal happiness.

Yes, I understand what you mean. It's not easy but it's not very hard either. Our addiction has made it look like it's very hard but without it, it's not so hard. PMO robs us of that energy, drive, motivation to do things. How can you find your happiness when you float in a sea of numbness? That's why it's so crucial to give up porn. That energy, motivation etc. can be used to find our truth. I am at the point in my life where I want to find my truth. I want to know why my life exists and where I should get to. But I could never do this and keep PMO in my life.

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I know that feeling well - feeling that I had blown too many chances and made too many mistakes.  This led me to believe for a long time that I couldn't connect with others, that I wasn't loved or really known by others, and that is was hopeless to live a life free of PMO - full of genuine happiness, love, and a high quality of life.  PMO is full of so many lies!!!  All human beings can achieve that deep sense of love, direction, and purpose in their lives if they are willing to work for it by living true principles, values, and time-tested attributes. 

I'm grateful to know that happiness comes from what's happening inside of us and not what is or what is not happening around us.  That means that happiness is in MY CONTROL, which is empowering.  After all I can do and with time/patience, I know moving forward from PMO (which made me miserable in many facets of my life) is the right path towards my personal happiness.

Yes, I understand what you mean. It's not easy but it's not very hard either. Our addiction has made it look like it's very hard but without it, it's not so hard. PMO robs us of that energy, drive, motivation to do things. How can you find your happiness when you float in a sea of numbness? That's why it's so crucial to give up porn. That energy, motivation etc. can be used to find our truth. I am at the point in my life where I want to find my truth. I want to know why my life exists and where I should get to. But I could never do this and keep PMO in my life.

I definitely agree - I couldn't find meaning and purpose with PMO in my life.  I'd rather walk through the temporary loss of motivation, drive, and energy that comes from PMO withdrawal than continue walking through the sea of numbness I felt while using PMO.  Accepting and taking accountability for my life's story, beliefs, and goals has been empowering (little by little, day by day).  I have no doubt you will find your truth.  I feel like I'm continuing to solidify mine - I need to continue to stay firm and steadfast in what I stand for, not giving in to the cravings/urges of PMO.  Giving in and taking the easy way of PMO sabotaged my attitudes, behaviors, and perceptions.  Not anymore PMO, not anymore.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I'd rather walk through the temporary loss of motivation, drive, and energy that comes from PMO withdrawal than continue walking through the sea of numbness I felt while using PMO. 

The keyword is definitely "temporary." Recovery and withdrawals and urges can really take it out of us, but that de-motivation isn't permanent. Urges aren't permanent either. It's so helpful and important to remember that all of these negative things we experience as we work on recovering are just temporary, and they lead us into a better life where the good things have more staying power.

Keep it up!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

Today officially marks the beginning of Week 9 of no intentional PMO.  What a journey it has been so far.  When I look in the mirror, I'm beginning to see myself for more than just my mistakes, shortcomings, or PMO addiction.  All the hard work I've done in the last several weeks on the inner me - the self-esteem, self-beliefs, personality, willpower, family focused, friendships, relationship with God, etc. are starting to have sticking power.  Slowly, my attitudes and perceptions toward myself, others, and the world in general are moving towards positivity and choosing to see the good instead of the bad.  I've continued to type it here on Reboot Nation, but I really am coming to believe that whatever we are resilient in being everyday, that is what we grow into.  We each have a choice to not only stop PMO, but change the very thinking of our minds and grow into disciplined men of good will toward ourselves and those around us.  Not easy, but step by step it happens through testing and persistence.  Endure the withdrawal and uncomfortableness.  Keep on moving forward my rebooting brothers!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Huge congratulations! That's an inspiring reflection!

Keep it up, man! Here's to 9 weeks plus one day!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

Thank you @BlueHeronFan!

I'm going to keep on doing what I shared yesterday on Reboot Nation.  I still experience headaches, brain fog, trouble sleeping (that comes in cycles), and fighting cravings/urges, but my self-discipline and willpower to stand for my values, beliefs, and morals at all times outweigh my desire to participate in PMO.  There are times when it would be such a relief to use PMO to move past the difficult times, but I know it is a lie. Remaining true to my inner man and what defines me as me is of utmost importance to me.  Self-discipline, self-discipline, self-discipline.  It is within reach for each one of us, but there is a price or sacrifice to be paid - it cannot be bought or borrowed, it must be earned.  I believe RESILIENCE, PERSISTENCE, and ENDURANCE are critical tools to winning the battle against PMO.  Keep moving forward to a better life my rebooting brothers!  You are each worth it!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good stuff, man, keep it up!

I remember now getting more headaches earlier on in the year when the reboot was a newer thing. I had sort of forgotten those, but I definitely don't deal with them as much now.

Recovery turns our whole systems upside down. Just keep pushing forward because there's something way better on the end of it all!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I agree - that is my hope as I continue to press forward mentally/emotionally with accepting my new beliefs/convictions and also new ways to cope with the stresses of life.  I really have been drawn to truth and belief lately.  Think about it. What your spirit tells your mind to believe each day shapes and forms your inner world.  And day after day, that belief can be put into action and reinforced and reinforced.  That is what I did to my mind/spirit each day through PMO - hands down, the worst decisions of my life.  My world was filled with lies about myself, relationships, work, sports, hobbies, religion, politics, and the list goes on and on.  Truth is truth no matter who believes it.  But, how could I discern between truth and error when I was poisoning my mind/spirit with PMO daily?  I am beginning to feel my conscience more often - the voice within you which helps you determine what is right and wrong and helps you choose the right (angel and devil on your shoulder sort of deal).  How grateful I am to begin to feel this again in my life because for many years I was past feeling anything - numb (obviously because of PMO).  Continuing forward, I am now reinforcing positive and virtuous habits of personal accountability, honesty, trust, and resilience to stand up/voice my beliefs and convictions which are worth living for.  My focus has shifted from impressing others, recognition, or comparison (all external focus) to my internal set of beliefs, values, and convictions.  I believe my mind will eventually accept and come to feel daily conviction/belief as I continue to grow into this better version of myself - this good man who was buried under years of self-destructive mindsets, false beliefs, feelings of shame/guilt/fear/hopeless.  It is there within each one of us my rebooting brothers.  BE RESILIENT, PERSISTENT, and ENDURE throughout your daily recovery and transformation into a better individual.  Change is so difficult, but worth it!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That's awesome! Porn definitely drove a big wedge between me and my beliefs/convictions. I definitely feel like a more unified person now that my behaviors are lining up more with my beliefs.

Sounds like you're really thinking the right things and just pushing forward. Keep it up!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

Has anybody else experienced during PMO withdrawal the realization that I've experienced, where I saw myself and other human beings as just body parts?  It was really difficult for me to understand these were beings who had families, emotions, priorities, goals, dreams, passions, etc.  It blew my world up when I came to accept that and made me really insecure because human beings are so complex!  That includes me - life was so simple with PMO, artificial, but simple.  I have committed to never going back to that world of PMO.  But, it is overwhelming at times during the day as I fight to keep my perceptions of others fair, realistic, and understanding.  Bottom line - human beings are more than just flesh/blood, they have minds which reason/problem solve/plan like you and me, hearts which are filled with love, trust, and cherished relationships, and souls which seek peace and truth.  This truth just really hit me hard today.  Stay RESILIENT, PERSISTENT, and ENDURE the lessons/growth experienced daily during recovery my rebooting brothers!

 

[Freedomisworthit]

I used to brush aside all my feelings and just focus on the external.  Whatever was happening around me was my main focus.  I found that it led to feelings of frustration (nobody can control others' choices) and discontentment.  The battle within me during my PMO withdrawal/recovery has been waged in my mind/heart/spirit.  Has anyone else struggled to trust their thoughts, words, choices, and actions once they've given up PMO?  That is currently the battle that is being waged within me right now.