I have no idea whats going on

[IamMayor]

Hello everyone, so i  started my journey like a week ago so it has been one successful week without P.M.O or any kind of pixel stimulation. The only one i got was from my girlfriend of 9 months now and to be honest she is the spark and driving force behind my journey because without her i wouldn't have noticed the importance of a reboot, (I like computers so i am glad as humans we can go through the same process, not as fast but still its pretty cool).

It has been about 7 years now since i discovered masturbation but it has been 3 years since porn was the hard reason for the act however it has been more than 10 years since i started watching porn but it  doesn't matter I could barely understand it as a kid I just know i liked it because you were not supposed to get caught watching stuff like that.
Anyway the reason i chose to reboot was because I was getting less and less attracted to my girlfriend everyday and porn was my go to because well it didn't disappoint at all but that was before she had gotten herself together and now that she had gotten herself together i then discovered i was the one in pieces. I know it doesn't make sense yet but the thing is, my girlfriend and I were both virgins when we met that is we both hadn't experienced penetrative sex but the other stuff i can say we weren't  as inexperienced so we spent the better part of our relationship doing everything else besides sex and it had its ups and downs to be honest. This might have been happening but it wasn't a mutual decision, I wanted to have sex with her just a month into dating but she wanted to wait hence spending the better part of our relationship doing everything else except for sex. I was frustrated most of this time because of it, i know yes i was not entitled to anything don't bomb me with any of  those moral codes and whatnot,it was just a feeling and good luck getting rid of those using logic. So to curb my frustrations i would then resort to porn which made my condition worse day by day , i ended up being addicted and the sight of her would just make the last 5 minute video i had seen seem so fun than my entire life. Prior to my relationship I had always been addicted to porn though i didn't watch it  everyday the time i did was quality and well planned, it was a date if those happened 4 times a week for a whole year or so. When i met her i had planned to stop but then i relapsed ,not her fault at all had i known better and had discovered The Reboot Nation then I would have done differently ,I didn't have any help.

The time then came for us to have sex but already my brain was off the map, I thought maybe it was because I was no longer interested in the relationship but then i realized I wasn't attracted to anyone at all except for the various models on the internet. The first night we tried my member shrunk but that was Ok since i was anxious about the whole thing but then days passed and i got comfortable but every time I tried doing it my junk would go incognito. Finally one day when we were making out i got aroused enough to be able to do it and thats the day we both lost our virginity but that was just the beginning of a new time in my life. The next time we tried having sex i would find it hard to maintain or get an erection to even try having sex. It was a terrible time for the both of us because she was now ready and putting in all the effort she could to make it happen but i just couldn't.

After a long time of introspection and research I then discovered I might be suffering from PIED and that is what led me to this forum which i joined a few days ago. I hope the whole process will work out fine and already i have been noticing some withdrawal symptoms and its awful but i know why i doing this so I am confident i will get through this. I also told my Gf about it (after I watched Gabe Deems testimony 5 times) and she is on board with helping me recover, generally i suffer from anxiety and depression so she said anything that has to do with my mind she want to help  me get through it and i am grateful for that.

 

[IamMayor]

It has been a while since the last time I posted I just do a lot of reading without participation but that is going to change soon i believe we can all help each other. So something got me to write again and it is the infamous ,enemy of progress, relapse. After I had experienced a 37 day streak without P.M.O I stumbled and fell and it was the worst P.M.O session ever like really it felt unnatural and just wrong. I did not relapse because I was having urges no, I will admit I had relaxed a bit and started viewing this whole thing as something that was just light and not really acknowledging the pain it caused me. However the main reason i PMOed after such an incredible breakthrough in my life as a young adult was because on this day I had experienced a lot of emotional distress. Honestly I couldn't handle it. Anxiety, Anger ,frustration  and others all hit me at once. That is when i realised something was fundamentally wrong in my journey. You see, when i started it had been because I had failed to have sex with my GF, that was my motivation. So the day I had a fight with her over something that was really serious, I bounced back to my old habits after being consumed by my emotions and if i go back to back in the day when I used to watch porn (I no longer identify myself as a porn user regardless of my current circumstance) i would watch porn because i would be hiding from my emotion or trying to numb them by flooding my brain with dopamine.

That was when I realised my motivation had to change, its always good doing something as wonderful as a reboot in the name of someone but you are surely bound to fail if you use other people as a reason for beating a kind of a problem such as an addiction. It has to be something you do for yourself after understanding that this life is not worth living and is too short to live with a chronic slavery to something as bad as an addition worse porn because you suffer in silence unlike other addictions that present themselves to the public and family.We are on good terms now with my GF but i told myself something had to change if i am going to be the best male version of myself, I am too young to be fixating my everything on someone, matter of fact no one should use someone as a reason to do good things for themselves .

It has been 6 days since my relapse and i have downloaded Blocker X and an app called Reboot on my phone that helps keep track of my progress and provides motivation and general help in those times of intense cravings or emotional distress that leads to urges. I did not binge i am grateful for that, it just sucked I am telling you and i am so glad it did. Now i know if i get urges, i have to transform that energy into something else its no longer something that will be fulfilled by PMO but by something waaay more satisfying like a girl or a conversation with a crush or reading a good book or sharing your thoughts on RebootNation.

 

[IamMayor]

These days I now have my morning wood back, well it came back a few weeks ago after a flat line streak which lasted for about 2 weeks. UUghhm i have only experienced one night sex dream and this was about 2 days ago i think that was because of the chaser effect i successfully dodged. I am now so irritated by P or any other stimulating content even on Instagram and i have an app that regulates my content so in the end my Instagram timeline has nothing sexually oriented. I do still fantasize though but most of these fantasies have my GF or some girl i know and like in them so i don't know if thats a good or bad thing. It has not been 90 days yet but i am optimistic about this whole thing i just hope i stay on that course this time. My goal is to recover from PIED 100% and never watch P again ever in my life i think i watched enough and it came at a cost.

The reason i do not know if i have recovered well from PIED is because when i opened up to my girl about this whole thing we never tried having sex but we did do other things just to see if i was now responding and yes i was responding well but i wasn't fully erect and she was urging me to take it slow and so we did however we got separated about 21 days ago when she went for holiday/vacation at her sisters place before i could fully witness the extent of my recovery.

So i will post an update if anything great or not would have happened.

 

[DamienP]

Hey man! Congratulations on your 37 days. Even if you relapsed, in that amount of time there's a great deal of recovery that happens, and a non-binge relapse does not undo all of it.

I think you're on the right path, and even not having sex with your gf is probably a good thing, since it allows your brain to properly forget how you get aroused now, and rewire to a more natural way of viewing sexual activity.

You have made some good assertions about your process and your relationship IMO, including the fact that your world should not spin around another person, no matter who it is. It is very important that you have your own work or purpose, hobbies, activities and friends. Having them is very good for you as a person, and it will make you a better partner for your gf too. Besides, if you have all this stuff to concentrate on, it becomes a lot easier to not fall back into pmo.

Anyways, great job getting this far. You have to remember that we P addicts are much like alcoholics. We are addicts for life, and one taste of PMO can send us back into a bad spiral if you are not aware of it.

So anyways, stay strong, and good luck!

 

[IamMayor]

Hey man! Congratulations on your 37 days. Even if you relapsed, in that amount of time there's a great deal of recovery that happens, and a non-binge relapse does not undo all of it.

I think you're on the right path, and even not having sex with your gf is probably a good thing, since it allows your brain to properly forget how you get aroused now, and rewire to a more natural way of viewing sexual activity.

You have made some good assertions about your process and your relationship IMO, including the fact that your world should not spin around another person, no matter who it is. It is very important that you have your own work or purpose, hobbies, activities and friends. Having them is very good for you as a person, and it will make you a better partner for your gf too. Besides, if you have all this stuff to concentrate on, it becomes a lot easier to not fall back into pmo.

Anyways, great job getting this far. You have to remember that we P addicts are much like alcoholics. We are addicts for life, and one taste of PMO can send us back into a bad spiral if you are not aware of it.

So anyways, stay strong, and good luck!

Thanks very much bro. All i am hoping for is the best from this whole thing. Day 11 today and i think i'm flat lined but it doesn't bother me at all I have trust in the system.

 

[IamMayor]

Day 19

So I have been well since the last time I posted. Not that it has been easy or anything but I have gotten used to the urges and just ignoring them. I think i should give myself some credit for that, sometimes I can just sleep them off or put a good movie or TV series. I realized sometimes feelings are just feelings for the sake of being feelings not a call to action unless its a panic over an unfinished assignment due , besides relaxing and just taking the proper action is always the right way to go.

Today I have been feeling very lonely especially after a friend of mine left.She came for a visit and we were making tortillas , after she left I realized how even when she was around I was feeling lonely. Not that she was bad company or anything like that but I was just feeling alone. I then sat down and made a reading of myself that is when I came to the conclusion that loneliness has been a feeling i have been avoiding using P for a very long time now. I was feeling an urge and heartbreaking pain at the same time I couldn't tell what was happening. It was quite an intense episode and I was telling myself to just ignore it but this was a different kind of urge. When I arrived at that conclusion my urge to self gratify or look for the closest thing to bang or make out with(which was the preferred option by the way) just stopped.

Many bad choices are made by individuals in times of these intense yet normal human emotions. I quickly regretted all those texts I have been sending to some people on a normal day i would not associate myself with in the absence of my GF. Not that they were risky texts but to be honest with myself i was hoping to curve them in that direction had the conversations continued. Ok now i really feel like an open book. Yes its good to meet people and socialize but the motive behind these actions has to be pure else you have another situation on your hands that not only will it set you backwards but will probably destroy all the good you have been trying to do ,did and probably was about to do.

This also brings me to the realization that the use of porn has made me really see women as objects designed to help us as men curb our desires. Too bad these 'objects' have their own brains so if anything goes wrong it will attack your self esteem leading you back to porn. I do not know if anyone can relate with this but this has been me in the last couple of years before I met my current girlfriend and apparently it has still been me until today I got to confront this huge problem in my life and i am sure i will fight to get myself in the right place.

 

[IamMayor]

So its been a while since i last posted anything here but i think its time for an update. So the past 3 months have not been the best for me. When i started this whole journey i stated what my motivation behind it was and it was my current GF then, now Ex. We broke up 3 weeks ago nearing 4 now. I am not here to talk about my breakup but rather the negative impacts P had on me and how messed up my mind is because of it.

I never fully recovered from PMO and i never went through the whole process of a reboot meaning i never got to the 90 day mark. Every month-end i would relapse once or twice then go for another 20+ days and repeat cycle. This means in a way i was still hooked up to porn. When I broke up with my Ex then, the first 7 days were kind of cool as I was flatlined due to all the pain i was experiencing, but as time progressed I started missing the sex and i fell really hard into the PMO cycle again. This time it wasn't just a relapse, its like i wanted to do it. A week ago i started hooking up with my Ex again, I know super unhealthy, and she told me she was already meeting up with people and having sex again in that short period of time since we broke up. This hit me really hard but at the same time as my heart was aching to the thought of her with another man, i got boners and super horny and it made me to just want to be with her more or just watch a video and fap until i reached the moon. These feelings were so intense i felt like a Super Cuck and i don't want to lie this scared the shit out of me.I don't know if its normal but even if it is i do not want it. It spells fucked up all over.

Its been 4 days now since my last PMO session and i told myself i wanted to quit and go back to my Nofap journey, this time its just me behind the wheel and i do not have a driving force but my own will to become the best i can in my life.

To be honest guys i need some help. Even right now as I am typing this i feel super miserable and the urges are creeping in like never before. If anyone knows a way around this, your support will be greatly appreciated.

 

[mousemat1]

Hi Mayor

Periods of no PMO and the relapsing are unfortunate, but normal. You're a porn addict. Try not to judge yourself too harshly over the relapses. The positive aspect is that you know you've got a problem and you're trying to overcome it. In my experience, if you relapse it's important for it not to become a binge. Just try to get the need to masturbate to porn out of your system and start again. I'm on my 6th reboot and this one seems a little easier, and I think it's because I had quite long periods without porn between relapses. I think it's almost impossible for someone to quit completely the first time out.

Your driving force for this reboot is that you want your next relationship to be full of fulfilling sex and passion.

Keep going! Stay strong! You will beat this addiction.

 

[IamMayor]

Hi Mayor

Periods of no PMO and the relapsing are unfortunate, but normal. You're a porn addict. Try not to judge yourself too harshly over the relapses. The positive aspect is that you know you've got a problem and you're trying to overcome it. In my experience, if you relapse it's important for it not to become a binge. Just try to get the need to masturbate to porn out of your system and start again. I'm on my 6th reboot and this one seems a little easier, and I think it's because I had quite long periods without porn between relapses. I think it's almost impossible for someone to quit completely the first time out.

Your driving force for this reboot is that you want your next relationship to be full of fulfilling sex and passion.

Keep going! Stay strong! You will beat this addiction.

Thank you very much brother your words got me through the last month  8) ;D ;D

 

[IamMayor]

Hello guys. So its been like a month now since my last relapse and i have been PMO free for a month now. However now i feel like i have a new problem and that's an overly sensitive penis. It seems my PIED cured a long time ago when i stopped heavily consuming Porn, because I now have raging boners and i wake up with morning wood but since I never completely rebooted if i relapse and binge it creeps back in so i guess i'm not completely cured and probably not even close .

The last time i posted i was having problems and i really needed help,  i ended up trying to have sex 2 weeks later unfortunately with the Ex and it did not go well i finished before the game began and my member was weak maybe because i was flatlined which just made things worse because she was like 'this reminds me of one of the reasons we broke up' yeah a low blow  but i don't blame her. She said it turned her off big time and she would always say that even when we were still together  even though i would be ready to go back again in a few minutes because i have a very small retention period and  I guess its  also because she has had experience with other healthy people and has just seen the better side. I think i got PIED and in healing i got PE :-\ .

I later did some research and i found an article that was talking about tense pelvic floor muscles caused by excessive masturbation habits while sitting down or sleeping and getting used to ejaculating even with a flaccid penis. Now this also got me to rethink all about the whole reboot and i was asking myself questions like is it even worth it if i'm going to be super sensitive all the time and thank God i came back to my senses because, quoting the article, ''...leaving the NoFap journey/ rebooting because of  the fear of having a sensitive penis is foolish at best and catastrophic at worst'' . I then remembered why I had started this whole thing and all it has put me through in life and i hate it. I then started doing reverse kegels to relax my pelvic floor muscles and I don't know if its working or not i have not tried having sex again since then.

So now I'm here to ask all of you gents to help me get over this and if anyone has some advice please help me out. Is this something that will heal on its own or there is something i can do to help myself because i feel like i'm trying to do a lot of things at once .

 

[IamMayor]

I can't wait for tomorrow, day 60 without PMO....just a track of bad sex like I posted that last time but its OK . I AM sure things will get better for me I am now feeling more driven to talk to new people and I don't know maybe completely move on.

Things have been bery good for me to be honest, I have a good job  and I have never felt so passionate about life before .

No more urges I swear the only urges I am having these days are more of a social drive like the hunger to talk to someone and actually vibe ,nothing extra sexual . Crazy morning boners I don't even pay them any attention now. This is the longest streak I have beeen on since I started this journey last year and I would not have it any other way, I learned a lot this year .

 

[fapstranaut02]

Wow, 60 days without PMO, you are awesome bro.

I will speak for my own case, last 2 years ago, during the period of PMO free, I felt very lonely and needed some social interaction. I went out a lot more, gym, cafe, just anywhere. I even downloaded social app to meet new people. I'm blessed that I was able to find a new gang of friends, we hang out a lot back then, and even now we are still very much in contact with each other.

Honestly, I don't think any of this would happen if I still stick with PMO, because I didn't feel much passion about life after PMO. I didn't feel excitement, didn't feel passion, just lifeless.

It will get better, just stay away from P addiction. Let the body heal

 

[IamMayor]

Thanks very much man. I know there are a lot more problems I have to deal with now, but I am taking this win with a stride and I hope to get to day 90 and from there , no more counting this just has to be my lifestyle now . PMOing really sucks the life out of you . Lets Keep fighting brothers, and yes I hope it gets better I am tired of the embarrassment caused by PE ,ED or any other kind of sexual dysfunction ...

 

[IamMayor]

Gentlemen, this whole thing with PE is really getting to me ...as I write this right now I just had the worst sex ever , even worse than the last time I posted... I tried hooking up with the ex again and I literary came without having my penis touched...as soon as I took it out of my underwear a few seconds later I blew out ....now things are just horrible ..... what can I Do and I was all excited and what not...

 

[IamMayor]

For the first time in my life I really feel like ending it....im f.n depressed right now ....are these also withdrawal symptoms ????

 

[Sanders]

Hey,

It must feel shit to have experienced that, and it seems you're in a pretty bad place right now. Just as an important message, sex isn't everything in life. Sure, it's fun and it feels great but it's not our goal I believe. If the focus becomes so much on sex and performing like some sex God then it ruins the whole point and idea behind sex. I don't mean it as pushing it from a religious perspective, just that porn messes up your sex drive and makes it looks like it's the most important thing in the world. It should be fun, enjoyable, and just a good connection between humans. If you have PE, well whatever. It might change, it might not, I'm not a doctor. However when you're intimate with someone you care about it shouldn't matter all that much, because there's plenty other things you can do.

If you have PE, most likely the thought of that builds and builds in your head which creates only more tension and frustration. Who cares you cum fast, see it as a compliment for the girl. Anyways after you can pleasure her, make her feel good, and go for a second round. Porn teaches us some narrative in porn, buildup, sex, orgasm, done. That's bullshit, you don't have to follow that, you can draw your own story.

Sex isn't everything in life. Focus on other things than just that and find some happiness other than that. Porn has messed up our minds long enough so try to learn new things and skills. I see most your posts are about sex, performance issues and whatnot, I'd really advice you to focus on other things in life. You've made it a really long time without porn which is great! Now focus on the rest of your life.

 

[IamMayor]

Hey there, thanks very much for sharing your advice with me . You are right most of my posts here are about my sex performance issues and nothing really driven towards life as a whole and everything else it has to offer. It really sucks this happened on my day 60 mark and the day I was supposed to celebrate ended up being the day I was at my lowest .

Honestly I just wish I could see beyond this whole sex thing and actually get to have a real connection. I also think my mindset is like that because my performance issues led to my breakup and my ex told me this . So in as much as I tell myself I am doing nofap for me now im probably lying considering im she is still the one person I Try having sex with just to see where I am now at on my journey. Its not going so well.

I just want to experience everything in its normality. Again thank you very much I will write something again when my mind is more clear .

 

[Jeks]

Hey man,

i know how you feel. Getting told by your ex, that she is leaving you, because of your sexual performance is such a hard thing to bear. It is then also extremely difficult to just not think about it and focus on all the other stuff in life. Life can get so bad, that you are feeling like nothing in life is meaningful or or matters really. I know exactly how you feel, believe me. Thats called depression. Everything else just becomes so insignificant and unenjoyable.
Now listen, you have got to be strong and brave now. You will now go through a really tough time and it even might go on for very long. But you have to always keep one thing in mind. There is a future for you, in which you can be happy and you will feel not depressed again. But this will take time. You are right now in a deep hole and it feels just so hopeless, but it is not. You will get your sex life back.

Think of the time, when this future has occured and let this thoughts guide you through this.
Also consider going to a therapist. It really helped me a lot.
When you have this picture of your future in mind, think of other things, that you wanna have in the future. A good job? An attractive body? Make a list. And try to work on that. Take as much time as you need, but life can not go on like this until you have recovered. It will be a fight. This addiction, as well as depression are sucking motivation and energy out of you. But you have fight and do everything to get you out of this hole. Some days it will be more difficult than others, but you always have got to try.
You will have to get over your ex, by building yourself up, so that when the time comes, you can get the girl and future you want and deserve.

PIED, as well as PE are common for porn addicts. You will be able to heal. GEtting off of porn is your most important task right now. Do everything you have to, in order to stop watching porn. This is your first and most important step. Having zero relapses is absolutely necessary.
Other than that work on everything that gets you through the day right now. Do things that help you feeling better. If you cant think of any right now, try later again or tomorrow. It will take time. It will be a mixture of letting time pass and also get over yourself from time to time.

Do the stuff, that is necessary for you to survive. It is not normal to be thinking about suicide and you should take it seriously. Have realistic expectations on what you can and cant do right now. Allow yourself to rest and get a break. When being productive right now helps you, do that. If not, do not. Its really right now about taking care of yourself.

If you need more thoughts on your situation or someone to talk to, you can write me.

 

[IamMayor]

Hey man, thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. I did not want to check this platform at all theast time I posted I just felt like nothing was going to help me at all. I don't want to go back to the time when I had PiEd at all because some people encourage M before a session because it helps reduce the sensitivity and all but I know thats bad its just sending myself back to that time.

How did I get to know this, well its sad to say yesterday I had a relapse a few hours before my ex and I were about to meet up. At first I  MOed and a few moments later it was Pmoing no binge though I was able to stop myself after that but still  . We got into the shower things got heated up again as we were about to Do something I lost my erection because I just was not horny enough and also I think some performance anxiety started creeping in . We got into  a  fight because of it but this time I was not going to back down easy so we kept talking and she said a lot of stuff  .

Fast forward 15min later we got in bed I started trying again and this time I was actually aroused and we had sex for less than a minute I was already done... however I did not stop there I told her things have to be different this time so we did another thing and in about three minutes I was back in full beast mode but by then I couldnt really feel anything it was just me going through the motions I was not even able to finish , the fourth time that day so I just got tired and went to bed...

So I guess my refractory period is now considerably smaller and I just want to get off everything now .WOW I traumatised myself . It sucks I had gone this far.

I Do not want to give up . Im in college . I still have a long way to go. At this moment  though, everything sucks.

 

[IamMayor]

And also this all just still feels like im trying to prove something actually its like im in a rush to prove something and this does me no good at all . I had one comment that told me not to focus on the whole sex thing but the actual reboot and life ... I honestly have no idea how to Do that at this pointa . I mean I could just stop everything and move my attention somewhere else but I just can't seem to be able to Do it.