Covid - an inflection point?

[joepanic]

Hey UKGuy

    nice going on the 14 days  and finding that extra strength yesterday  you do us proud.  Sometimes it really is a 1 day at a time situation.  Than your circumstances allow you to  easily sail through a longer spell befor e finding yourself in the one day at a time  again.
  This might than give you a small chance to reflect on what worked that got you through the  hard pointy and be able to build on that

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Andrew1973]

Thanks Joe - hopefully I?m in for an easy sail for a while on the back of the confidence yesterday gave me. Just need to not get over confident and complacent. I think the reflections on what got me through yesterday is an easy one - you guys, and this forum. I?d much rather come here, engage with you and win, then withdraw into myself, self soothe with PMO and lose. It helps immensely - thank you. 

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,

Just checking in on your own progress. I've seen you posting a lot in other peoples threads and wondering how you're doing at almost 3 weeks.

Keep going strong!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hey Shade - I was thinking of you earlier, so it's great to receive your message. Yes, all is going well thanks. Today is day 19, and to be honest I feel great. I exercise every day, am spending time in the garden and with my wife and kids. Doing some projects like you. I think that Covid lockdown does make it easier for me as I have little or no time alone, but the MAJOR help is coming here - I log on twice a day, and try and contribute something to one or two of the conversations. doing that has kind of helped my reshape my relationship with porn from being a participant of porn with a negative, lonely, shameful experience to being a porn helper (or really anti-porn helper) which is positive, sociable, and dare I say noble experience. Because of this the temptation to participate seems to just melt away. I can only hope this continues, but logically the longer I'm sober, the weaker the brain wiring becomes and the more likely I am to make this a permanent change within my life. Thanks for asking after me - it means a lot.

 

[Rookie]

That's a great way to look at it. Many people that were addicted to drugs and alcohol do the same thing, and many mention that it helps them stay clean. I know some business men/women that do the same thing. Once they became successful, they help others become successful as well, at no charge for little tid bits of advice.

 

[Andrew1973]

Morning all,

Quick check in - day 24.

One benefit of lockdown that I'd previously spoken about was the relative difficulty in getting time privately to PMO. One of the downsides, with teenagers in the house 24/7, is also lack of private time with my wife for love making. As a consequence, I am feeling somewhat 'irritable', particularly today! When I started our, my objective was to stay clear of PMO, and I didn't really have an issue with MO, but given that I've avoided everything so far, it feels as if MO'ing to solve a short term problem would represent a bad step for me - a step nearer PMO. So, I've had to take a decision this morning, and I'm choosing not to MO either. I might reconsider this in the future, but, for me, it seems like the wise thing to do.

So...my affirmation to you guys is to stay clean today and weather the storm. Thinking also about Traveler32's advice that ShadeTrenicin summarised so well recently to help me do this today...?

"1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies."

Have a good day, all.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKguy,


How did the day go for you? Any irritability?

Great recognition on that MO could lead to PMO. Even in these irritable times
Must be hard to not be able to have private time with the wife with the teenagers around.

I'm also glad to read that you've included Travelers/Mine thoughtprocess, i really hope it helps you!

Cheers man!

 

[Andrew1973]

The day went fine thanks for asking Shade. Point 4 of yours and Traveler's 6 point plan really works!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Gentlemen

    This is a good conversation to follow  lots of  really valid points and ideas  I know I dont post on others jpournals too often these days  but what I do read certainly helps

  cheers
 
    Post often it helps me it helps  you

 

[Andrew1973]

Quick update:

Today I reach 30 days with no PMO. This is only the 2nd time in my life I recall doing that since teens. The other occasion I got to 60 last year and then messed up badly. 60 is therefore my next logical milestone.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you guys for being the magic ingredient that I have been missing. Without you and this forum (you ARE the forum) I have no doubt that I would have come up short. I came here as I knew from my research that connectivity and accountability to others was something that was missing from my plan, and boy, has it made a difference!

Here are a list of the things that I particularly like about being here:

1) a sense of connectivity - we're all here for the same reason irrespective of our age, race, location, particular manifestation of P addiction.
2) the reciprocity of helping and encouraging others and receiving that same care ourselves.
3) reading and learning about others' experiences - noting the similarities, the differences and watching the shame we feel due to our own behaviour diminish as we realise we are not alone.
4) The practical tips and advice that can really help us take accountability with the right tools to build our own plans to deal with triggers.
5) The broader awareness that many here show about their own self improvement journey as we also address some of the underlying drivers in our behaviour and (past) reliance on porn - lots of learnings for me there too.
6) the fact that if we trip, there's always a helping hand or two to help pick us up, dust us off, and remind us that falls do not equate to failure, rather an opportunity to learn and strengthen our plans and resolve.
7) The non judgemental tone in which we speak to each other - offering support, advice, encouragement, but never criticism.
8) The inspiration from seeing guys who are further along the journey, but still come here to stay on track and encourage others.

Have I missed anything?! Love to hear some other observations, and in the meantime, thank you all for your support so far. I really, really appreciate it.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy!

Great work on reaching 30 days! Congratulations.


I totally agree on the 8 point list, it is THE missing link for recovery!

KEep up the good work!

 

[KittyHawk]

Hi UKGuy,

we have a lot of things in common. I also am trying to get out of corona-quarantine in a better shape than I got into it. I think this will be  a challenging for many - most people will be more out of shape, more addicted, more depressed. But we have the opportunity to choose the exact opposite.

I also find gardening to be therapeutic.

And helping other people here even more. Honestly, I think I'll keep going here even when I think I am PMO-free. There is a big truth in "once an addict, always an addict" and I don't mean to say it to discourage anyone. It just means that we will always have to be more careful around P than a normal person. Same way like ex-alcoholic shouldn't try to drink recreationally. And when I am PMO-free for couple months, I don't want to fall back to it ever... being here is a helpful reminder and also a chance to support others with the same struggle.

 

[Andrew1973]

Thanks Shade and Kitty Hawk.
@Shade - you?ve been a great encouragement to me over the past month and I see you doing similar for many on here.
@Kitty Hawk - I agree 100% with you. I think helping others anywhere is great for your self esteem and mental health. I see guys here who are much much further down the road of recovery than me who still have the humility and kind heartedness to continue to participate and take part in this community - helping others, and at the same time of course helping themselves to stay connected and avoid complacency.
I also think the physical fitness effort goes a long way to helping a good mindset - discipline, good self esteem, the magic of endorphins. I also enjoy gardening, mainly as I find it meditative and I like the satisfaction of seeing the impact of my own labour - not something you can see as easily with career work. Enjoy and take care.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi UK,  Re your list of stuff you like here, I too have found it a hidden gem.  I was about to go down the road of getting a paid "coach", but this is far superior b/c of the things you mentioned. Also, I had trouble relating to the youngsters.  (not diminishing their struggles or sincerity)
The part you mentioned re shame is huge for me. That burden can be a back breaker for me. And it is always with me as long as I'm addicted (that is a heck of a long time.)  It's great to know there are those that empathize.
The practical stuff has also been a godsend.  It's great to bounce ideas off each other.
And, yeah, I still love you even though you're a Brit. hahaha

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,

i've not seen a post in here from you for about a week now? How are things on your end? I see that you're involved in a lot of other guys' threads and being helpfull and supportive, thanks for that! It's really appreciated by all of us!

But, how are YOU doing?

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Shade - thank you for asking - you are a good man. I'm doing brilliantly thanks. Day 37. No PM whatsoever. Anything sexual has been with my wife throughout that time. I'm feeling great - positive, confident, productive, good self image - fanastic relationship with my wife and kids. Never moody or tired. No sneaking off into the bedroom or bathroom for hours on end! As I've said many times before, being here is definitely what has made the difference for me. I really feel part of something - a togetherness. This, for me, has been the missing ingredient and I'm just determined to keep going. I am sure there will be challenges ahead. I am having a bit of a career break at the moment - since the start of the year, so have no stress, plenty of time to exercise, meditate, come on here, do enjoyable stuff. Will that change once I return to work - more stress, less time? Probably, yes - but my plan was always to put together such a long streak by that time that the brain had rewired itself such that I could still stay clean in a changed environment. That doesn't indicate that I would leave here at that time by the way - being here with you guys is for keeps! Have a good day my friend!

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi UK,  How are you doing on that goal to quit the dating sites?  I've been very tempted to re-join but have thus far resisted.
If you can stay off them I bet you will feel better about your relationship.  Plus just having the worry of getting caught removed may feel liberating.    Best...

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Mr S,
Thanks for asking - they weren't dating sites as such - more chat sites, but still the behaviours are similar (inappropriate sexual dialogue with others). In any case, I have not been near one since my counter started. Although for most of my porn addicted journey it was pictures/videos, it then morphed into picture sites where you could comment, and then into chat. So when I say Porn free, it most definitely includes all of those things.
Being off them relieves me of guilt and shame, and also gives me back time, sleep, energy and a good mood.
I like that....a lot!

 

[Joel]

Hey,
Just joined myself and your story totally resonates. I just started listening to the PFR podcast too. Well done on the streak. I hope connecting to others here will be the missing part of the puzzle I've been looking for.

 

[mr.slurps]

Welcome Joel,    As far as being here goes--  I reckon it beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Please keep connected.