Covid - an inflection point?

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,

Great to see the amazing impact stopping with P has had don you for the pas 40 days! The careerbreak may have also given you the extra free time to conquer this! Being without stress and not having to focus on work a lot opens up a lot of free time and space which you are now spending well by focusing on your family. As you already said yourself, in this time you are rewiring yourself in such a way that when you eventually get back to work again you are also able to cope with the stress and new environment.

When do you plan to go back to work anyway?

 

[Andrew1973]

@ Joel - welcome at thanks for connecting. I certainly hope you find the community as beneficial as I have. It's been the missing ingredient for me after years of trying to become free. I will write more on your own journal.

@Shade - Yes, I think the career break and Covid lockdown have been enablers. Also you have to seize those opportunities and I am so glad that I made the choice to log on here, share and get some help with my journey. I am in a couple of recruitment processes at the moment and it is possible that I may restart work sooner rather than later. I will keep you posted!

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Shade,  If you happen to read this, I've seen your helpful/caring posts but couldn't find your journal. Do you have one? (If you don't mind I'd like to check it out.)

 

[Andrew1973]

Here is Shade's journal Mr S. He's a great guy and posts in 30-39 so that's maybe why you struggled to find it...

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=17919.0

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi all,
I've been online here already this morning - replied to a few threads, and gone away to get on with my day. I then became struck by a realisation - an awareness of a trigger and have therefore come back to share it, and for two reasons. 1) I think that 'shining a light' on it will diminish its power and 2) perhaps some of you can relate...

It's something of an emotional stress trigger really. I've been out of work since the start of the year. This isn't a major issue and as we luckily have some small savings and are not spending much with Covid, I planned to take 6 months off anyway. The time and space off has been a real godsend...I didn't really enjoy the last year of my last job and was having some real self esteem issues relating to what you might have heard as 'imposter syndrome' (basically not feeling good enough about yourself in your role, comparing yourself negatively to others etc). I had really let it get a grip of me and had started to manifest itself as strong anxiety - especially in work situations where I may have to, for example present something. Noone really knew about it, except my wife, but it was crippling me inside.

The time off has been a great opportunity to heal, and as you know from my journal, it's also been an enabler to kick starting my reset with your help (day 40 today...yay!)

However, I feel I am on the verge of potentially landing a good job, and guess what....some of those old thoughts, feelings and emotions (primarily of fear of failure) come flooding back. Oh...where do I go to escape these horrible sensations?! Well...we all know what the answer to that can so easily be. It won't be of course...because I'm here, sharing with you...facing into the trigger and temptation and hopefully neutralising it. But, if I hadn't logged back on and come here...who knows? maybe not today, but perhaps just a little indulging a fantasy for a moment or two...perhaps googling that actress that I found attractive when watching a film on my exercise bike yesterday (I must confess, I did google her yesterday, whilst still on the relatively safe exercise bike, but then thought better of it and stopped), perhaps it would be a cumulation of little things that would tip the scales in the favour of a relapse. I guess triggers can accumulate...we can succumb to little things that in the moment are small, but lead to other little unwise choices, and before we know where we are, the reward system is fully fired off, and away we go!. Well, not today.

My plan is to spend some time reading. Great book called The Little Book of Stoicism by Jonas Saltzgeber. I'm also thinking of reaching out to an ex colleague who has retired now and asking him to become a mentor to help build my confidence in some of the perceived technical capability gaps in my work that have led to the feelings of low self worth. Will also get in the garden for a few hours and I will enjoy the weekly National Health Service clapping that we do outside our homes here every week at 20:00.

Thanks for letting me vent...I feel a little emotional, but that this was a good idea for me. Have a good day.

 

[realfakeusername]

having some real self esteem issues relating to what you might have heard as 'imposter syndrome' (basically not feeling good enough about yourself in your role, comparing yourself negatively to others etc).

Hi UK!
I know exactly how you feel. I have a theory that could be total BS, but here goes. I think the imposter is not just performance based, but we are actually hiding a big part of our lives and we feel less authentic. When we are honest with ourselves and those we love, we can handle criticism and more accurately assess our short comings, learn from them and improve.
I feel somewhat confident in my intellect at times and not so much at others. The confidence comes when we aren't trying to perform for others but the task at hand or a project, etc.. If we are worried about what others think of the false image we are projecting, we aren't focused on what's important and relevant - What are we missing in knowledge or skill to succeed? Not how do we impress colleagues. Authenticity vs. imposter.
I think we learn to be or think of ourselves as imposters by leading double lives or hidden lives. Creating so much self doubt that we lose sight of our strengths and underestimate our weaknesses. We feel less so when we are open and honest with nothing to hide.

Good luck moving on from your insight. It sounds like a significant moment of clarity.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK,  You have a knack for uncovering deep/impt. stuff. (Bless your heart.)  I've had the same thing in spades (feeling like a fake.)
It's probably unique to the last 150 years (a pimple on a rhino) since we've been kicking around for approx 2.5 m years.
For most of recorded time you did what your grandfather did who did what his grandfather did.  (10 generations of breeding some animal or blacksmithing...)  Tough to fake that stuff.
I don't know any answer to this weird phenomenon. (probably too complicated for me)
How about make a game out of it.  Role play in a good way. (your wife is "the boss")
ex.  Your wife says, "UK you are dumber than a box of rocks!"  Then you respond....
She says, "You've been pretending to be a table, all you are is a lousy chair!"....
She says,  "Right now, give me three reasons why I should pay you xxx pounds for working here!"
You get the idea. Try to get to the worst case scenario.
I heard a J. Petterson tape on something similar.  Some phobias like fear of elevators can be tackled gradually, step by step, getting closer to the frightening elevator. You might not even be able to get in one for 3 months but you will eventually.
So start w/ little stuff.  Your wife says to you, "UK your penmanship sucks. Did you graduate kindergarten?" You might respond, "Yeah, it wasn't my strong point, but I'll definitely start practicing."
But, never, ever, let some one demean/insult you.

 

[Joel]

Good luck on the fresh challenge, Guy. I can definitely empathise on enjoying a streak in this Lockdown bubble, then the real world raises its head...

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Real, Mr Slurps and Joel,
Thanks for your responses.
@Real - I think your observation about feeling confident when doing something for one's self rather then to impress others is spot on. When I am working on something, I always feel as if I am doing a good job (and I thin I usually am). It's when I'm on show to others and I compare myself against my perception of them (of course you only see what they want to project, whereas I know ALL my own faults and flaws). I am intellectually capable (I do know that), but I will always compare myself unfavourably - it might not be raw intellect, but it might be perceived experience gap or something. I think the porn thing adds an additional dimension - I am hiding something that I am ashamed about. Let's face it - it can't help!!
@ Mr Slurps - TBH, I don't get many people putting me down (including my wife thankfully). I put me down. I am my worse critic. I think things about myself that I would never say to another person. How cruel I am to myself. I believe this is an evolutionary instinct - those brains that were more inclined to see threats were the ones that were not eaten or attacked etc, those genes survived, and have been honed throughout the generations. There are no warriers from other tribes waiting behind the rock for us, or sabre tooth tigers prowling to attach our families, but our brain is still programmed to look out for threats (or negative things), so we see these things much more easily than the positives. It's called Negativity Bias apparently and worth a Google or check this out.... https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618
@Joel - thanks! Long may our respective streaks continue.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy,


I'm glad to read that you, as a non-millennial, are posting about impostor syndome! This is so recognizable for me (and a lot of people my age)! The way you describe it is spot on. And in the media thoughts like this are mostly linked to millennial so i am happy to read that this extends beyond the boundaries of millennials as well

What you describe to Mr.Slurs as being your own worst critic is also the same for me. Do you also have the feeling that if you do/make something and you get a lot of positive remarks about it that you can't accept them if you yourself think it's no big deal? As in do you down-play your own achievements?

The question that remains is; where do these feelings come from and why do they pop up the moment you're about to land a new great job.
Are you really convinced that you don't deserve it or are you afraid to fail?


On the other things you posted, the insight of you recognizing the emotional trigger and the accumulative effect of triggers in general is spot on! Thanks for that insight, it was helpful to me!



Good luck man, I hope you can unearth the origin of your feelings of being an impostor.

As always, i'm rooting for you

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Shade - you make me feel old....lol! ;-)
I don't think I really down play my achievements, more that I just focus on my perceived weaknesses - particularly at work/intellectually. I am a bright guy, but when I sit amongst others, all I see is their strengths, and instead of just admiring them for it...I compare with my own view of my relative weaknesses and feel intimidated - like I have to prove myself. When I actually listed what my peers say about me, it's great, but on a day to day basis it just melts into the background and is replaced by the -ve. Ref the job question - it's a fear of failure.
I don't know if you read that article link in my last post or not, but that describes my experience it perfectly, and I'm a born catastrophiser too! In terms of overcoming this predisposition, I think having an awareness and understanding of what's going on inside our heads and why (scientifically and psychologically) is the best place to start. If you can spot that thinking, and identify it as Negativity Bias rather than giving those thoughts credence, you're on your way to fixing it. I've been focussing a lot on this recently, and it does work, so I'm hoping that I will be able to make some significant improvements in my self perception as a result. I think the other thing that I have realised in my time off work is that the self perception issues (which did accumulate in the last 2 years of my last job in particular) have caused me to dis-empower myself - so if there's a subject that I don't know as much about as I think I should, I don't do anything about it. I've realised over the last months whilst off work that noticing a capability gap, is an opportunity to do something about it, so I bought a LinkedIn Learning subscription and have been filling the gaps instead of just worrying about them.
Isn't it uplifting that in sharing weaknesses we realise that we are not alone? I don't think that's just a PMO thing either - I think there are many pained minds out there. Recognising those issues, talking about them, understanding them can be so powerful in reducing their power. This forum is helping me in many ways other than PMO. Thanks for your support and sharing...I appreciate you.

 

[joepanic]

Hey UKGuy

    It also seems that in sharing weekness  we may find that it is not so much of a weekness but a misunderstanding of where our strengths are lying.  I believe we have the strngth to  do thew things we want to  its just a matter of  organizing them  to work for us to get the job done  usually that is just a matter of time  As we go forward in this fight we begin to learn more about yourselves and  can put that knowelege to great use

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK, You're a big part of why I'm on day 12.  I didn't mean that people insulted you. I meant you could roleplay those feelings you throw at yourself. But in retrospect it was a lousy idea anyhow.

Now prepare to be spanked.  And you deserve it since you're the guy that recommended "Stop thinking..." by R. Carlson.
His idea is that thinking about this stuff and getting to the "bottom" of it has a negative effect.  By spending lots of time thinking/discussing it you give it more importance than it warrants.
So ironically I was doing you a disservice by even talking re your issue.
(That's not to say I don't care. I do care re anything you're experiencing.)
Keep up the good work.

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Mr S,
I didn't take any offense at all! (maybe there was a transatlantic humour mistranslation on my part!!)
Your point about Carlson and not digging into the past is a really interesting one, and I know there are many counselling and psychotherapy experts who would suggest otherwise (especially the ones paid by the hour!). I'm going to re-read the book again soon, so might be in a better place to debate it with you with a fresh recollection. What rings truest for you though? Dismissing the thoughts vs delving into the past to diagnose (or a shade of grey between the two?)

Well done on day 12!

 

[joepanic]

Nice going UkGuy

    I toohave taken the time off due to this covid  virus to really look at my life and how I can inprove it  and its paying off  Keep up the excersise  as I also found that really made a difference

    Cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Shade - you make me feel old....lol! ;-)
I don't think I really down play my achievements, more that I just focus on my perceived weaknesses - particularly at work/intellectually. I am a bright guy, but when I sit amongst others, all I see is their strengths, and instead of just admiring them for it...I compare with my own view of my relative weaknesses and feel intimidated - like I have to prove myself. When I actually listed what my peers say about me, it's great, but on a day to day basis it just melts into the background and is replaced by the -ve. Ref the job question - it's a fear of failure.
I don't know if you read that article link in my last post or not, but that describes my experience it perfectly, and I'm a born catastrophiser too! In terms of overcoming this predisposition, I think having an awareness and understanding of what's going on inside our heads and why (scientifically and psychologically) is the best place to start. If you can spot that thinking, and identify it as Negativity Bias rather than giving those thoughts credence, you're on your way to fixing it. I've been focussing a lot on this recently, and it does work, so I'm hoping that I will be able to make some significant improvements in my self perception as a result. I think the other thing that I have realised in my time off work is that the self perception issues (which did accumulate in the last 2 years of my last job in particular) have caused me to dis-empower myself - so if there's a subject that I don't know as much about as I think I should, I don't do anything about it. I've realised over the last months whilst off work that noticing a capability gap, is an opportunity to do something about it, so I bought a LinkedIn Learning subscription and have been filling the gaps instead of just worrying about them.
Isn't it uplifting that in sharing weaknesses we realise that we are not alone? I don't think that's just a PMO thing either - I think there are many pained minds out there. Recognising those issues, talking about them, understanding them can be so powerful in reducing their power. This forum is helping me in many ways other than PMO. Thanks for your support and sharing...I appreciate you.

Hey UKGuy,

You're only as old as you feel old!

I did read that article and i too tend to have a negativity bias towards myself. The whole comparing thing to peers is something I also do, regardless of what they think!

The whole sharing our weakness thing is groundbreaking, if every person on the planet would do this, we would have a much much better world to live in, with much less conflict. I think that everyone agrees that by allowing yourself to be 'vulnerable' you are actually stronger because you now have the guts to face yourself!

Great of you to also just buy a LinkedIn subscription and work on yourself, thats just the best way to approach stuff; just start and go for it!
You can't fail like that because you've tried!


Anyway, great to read you're still doing okay!


As always rooting for you!

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Guys,  I don't feel like raining on the parade but I have to.  I know you guys aren't fair weather friends and I'd be there for you if the shoes were reversed.
I edged today, would have been 2 weeks. Now day 0

 

[Andrew1973]

Day 50! No PM whatsoever and just O with my wife in that time. Feeling good and just 10 days until my lifetime record. Appreciate this community massively. It?s been my missing ingredient. Cheers all.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Cheers UKGuy, amazing achievent. Although the forum might have been the missing piece, it was you who did al the work.


Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

 

[Leonidas]

Just a quick post to reply to your question as I don't want to overextend Mr. Slurps' journal needlessly. He's got enough reading to catch up.

So yes, my interpretation may have been flawed in that I thought he was deliberately searching for triggers as a means of eliciting stimulation.  It turns out that he was 'searching' for these post-mortem as a way to gather knowledge about what makes him relapse.  And this strategy is totally fine.  If he likes this approach.

That said, I am more of a proponent of building a better life first.  It gets one busy thinking about other tasks and objectives, far-removed from the realm of porn - and this I believe is healthy.  The triggers, the relapses, the white-knuckling... will just eventually dissipate as one transitions to a new life.  From this perspective, it becomes moot to try to resolve triggers.  I understand this goes against the grain of the forum, so I'm stating this as a personal preference, not as theory!

I guess the charm of this forum is that there is a breadth of scope in the varying ways we can approach recovery.  Isn't that something to celebrate