My journal towards freedom

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Sanders

Active Member
Day 125

Thanks Zander, hope you're doing well too!

Well over four months without porn has been a great thing personally. It's been remarkebly easy to be honest, after my wife found out it's been smooth sailing in the porn-free department. It kind of made the earlier years silly, since I was unable to stop then. It took a big shock for me to actually get rid of it, and it worked. I'm doing well myself, feeling better due to cutting out porn of my life, physically fit and I'm finding that I'm more appreciative of my surroundings.

Our relationship is still faced with difficulties however. Not neccesarily my actions, but the constant lying about it has done so much damage. The most important part of a relationship is trust, and that's still broken. I can't 'un-brake' that, I can't undo what I did, all I can do is better now. I'm fully aware that this process of rebuilding trust will take time and hard work, just sometimes it seems too difficult for her to trust me. I could look her straight in the eyes and just lie, it just disgusts me how easily that was for me. Hiding the addiction seemed easier than just admitting it and working together to fix it. I hold on to the fact that we've both said that we truly want this relationship to work, in the long-term that's the goal. Just sometimes in these bad moments it seems really difficult to stay positive and keep working. I'm trying, I just hope things will be better.

Next to that I got laid-off again. Just when I found my rhythm at work they couldn't justify my position anymore. I'm motivated to take some new courses and develop myself professionally. It's just been a downer that the decision didn't seem to make much sense from any point of view. Other than that I haven't been able to see my family for 8 months, since I live in another country. I'd like to go there but in these times travelling is just difficult and I'm a bit uncomfortable with it.

Lots going on, at times it feels a bit overwhelming. I guess this journal isn't so much anymore about the porn addiction, but more about my personal mess. I'm trying to deal with all these things and just hope for improvement. I've messed up so much in the past couple of years, the consequences had to come sooner or later. It gets tiring but it's my own fault, I'll stay positive and keep going forward! I have to keep the goals in mind.
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 129

A bit better than the past days. Had some tough talks together but it seems to be going in the right direction. I've been now for a couple of days following some university courses which are challenging and fun. It's a good distraction and an opportunity to learn some new skills. The weather is slightly better so I'll go out cycling again today, excersice is important and I'm happy to improve myself a bit.

Not much else to report, life goes on.
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 143

Steady progress. Haven't really been posting here but reading other's stories is a good help for me. Entering the last days of decent weather here before winter will take over. I've spent a lot of time outside this year, it's been very enjoyable. Together with my wife we've picked up some new activities over the summer which have been very nice to do. Life's moving slowly to a better place, it's been a strange last few months though. A rollercoaster of emotions constantly, but overal the good feeling has the upper hand. Life can only get better. Next week I'll be 5 months away from porn and artificial stimulation, pretty happy with that!

All the best!
 
K

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Sounds like it's going well Sanders!  I caught up on your journal and a few things were very relatable to me.  I also got laid off, and it os really tough.  I recommend you make a schedule and make a big effort to stay connected to friends and family and not be embarrassed.  Getting laid off is happening to everyone and isn't your fault.

The other thing is how you mentioned that the lying was worse than the actual activity of porn.  That's an important breakthrough.  Trust os important and you are rebuilding it.  I think you should not feel bad about your wife being made and the blocker randomly breaking because you didn't break trust.  But it's good you are understanding of her feelings.  Hopefully she starts to believe that you didn't turn it off and take advantage of that.

In my previous relationship I didn't tell the girl about my porn problem.  It was a young relationship so it didn't really progress enough for me to say anything about it.  Also telling someone is hard.  For my current relationship, I was upfront about it and I let her know when I'm having trouble with it.  That was tough to do but has been very beneficial.

squid
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 150

5 months away from porn! It's a nice moment to celebrate some positivity. Thanks Squid for your reply. I wasn't neccesarily feeling bad about the situation, it's just frustrating that I'm trying hard but it's difficult to earn the benefit of the doubt right now. I understand her completely and I wouldn't really trust myself either at this moment, just have to rebuild that again. I wish I'd told it long ago and that I was the actually owning the problem. Unfortunately I didn't and it just grew and grew. I've passed the embarrasing phase already by telling quite some people around me so that's luckily out of the way. Anyways, happy to see you're doing good as well!

Started some new classes today through an online open university, updating my CV and searching some new workplaces. Hopefully something good will come out of that :)

 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 164

Not really active here but I'm reading usually once every other day through a couple of posts. Life goes on but I feel that my life is moving towards a better situation. Porn is non-existant to me, no urge or interest to go back. It messed up enough in my life, both physically and mentally, and I'm better off without. The things I've missed in life because of that, the chances I didn't take, it's pretty messed up when thinking I'd rather be masturbating to some pixels than actually interacting with the beautiful woman that's my wife.

Anyways, there's still difficult times in our relationship. I understand it, but it's sometimes quite draining. It's two entirely different processes for the both of us, yet they should end at the same destination. For me it's a somewhat positive process since I'm cutting this garbage out of my life and that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. Couple steps forward, a step back. However still it's going forward and I'm sure it'll keep getting better each day. If I could slap myself in the face many years ago it would be so rewarding.
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 176

Soon reaching half a year without porn. A lot has changed since my secrets came out. Although I know it's for the better I long for the time when my wife trusted me and everything went 'well'. Of course, without the whole porn and hiding thing. I don't want that in my life again. I'm working on regaining trust, and with it our relationship. It's going forward but I need to learn a lot more about myself. I realised how lazy I actually have been in life, there's much more to do than just work, hang around at home and go back to work again. Although I praise myself as being pro-active and hardworking while I'm at work, I'm not really like that at home. I should find a better balance between things, time for me to grow more.

For the rest I'm doing alright. I made a big increase in exersicing and have a plan for some different things across the week. Time to get fit!
 
W

wwalker19

Active Member
Sanders, it's awesome to see you focusing on yourself in this way.  I recommend if you're looking to get fit, make a plan!  It should be measurable and actionable, and reasonable.  Don't set the goals way too high that you lose motivation when you don't reach them, and make sure it is something you can act on.  "I will work out 30 minutes every day for 5 days a week" is stronger than "I am going to workout a lot." 

You've got this!
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 213, about 7 months

It's been a while since I've written something here, however I'm browsing through the forum a couple days a week and keeping updated on the progress of others here. There's good things in my life, and there's difficult things at the same time. I feel like it has been kind of the same for quite some time now and I really do hope life is moving towards a more positive direction.

Marriage is difficult. Difficult because of me, difficult because I decided to hide a part of my life and lie about it time after time. It's difficult because I didn't give my wife the chance to decide for herself how to deal with me, and the addiction that I brought into our relationship. It's been well over half a year now since my addiction is out in the open, I'm happy to say that I haven't really felt any difficulties in returning to porn. The pain that it caused those closest to me was horrendous enough to scare me away from it forever. I truly believe that I can live a life without porn, and these past 7 months or so have proven that. I don't really know why I let myself get lost in the world of porn so much, however when growing older it must have been a choice to not get help. As a kid filled with hormones and no real idea of women and sexuality it just seemed interesting and harmless. As an adult I should have realised porn for the emptiness and harmfulness that it actually represents. I don't know what's been harder on my wife, the actual addiction to porn, or the lying about it. Rebuilding trust is difficult and every time in a situation I can't get the benefit of the doubt. I want to rebuild my life, my relationship, my views and get a healthy life. It's difficult for my wife to accept that since all the years in our relationship I've done things that oppose getting a great life. I don't blame her, I would be conflicted as well. Very slowly, things are moving forward I think. However there's still a big distance between us. There hasn't been any intimacy for quite some time which makes my sex/porn-addicted brains frustrated. It's a long process, that's for sure. There are plenty of difficulties on the way but I'm confident to overcome those together. I try to understand her pain and help her with that as much as I can. However often I don't have the right answers or solutions either.

Next to that, personally I'm doing alright. I was part of the 25% of my team who managed to keep the job, the rest all got fired. However there still isn't any work so it's continued lay-off for me. I've been working hard on finding a job but no success so far, I've gotten close however which is some motivation to continue. Working out has been a great activity for me, I have never had a lower weight than I do now since being an adult, and it can only get better. I have good contacts with friends and family and despite the distance it's going alright. I'm hoping to be able to make a visit to family in the near future, however travel restrictions and the looming corona danger make that difficult since I live in another country. I haven't had a meeting with the therapist I've been talking to recently, I'm a bit confused by it. For most of the sessions we focussed on how to overcome my porn problem and how to be a better person. Of course I'm not perfect, far from it, but I don't really know what to talk about anymore. I believe it helped me a great deal into getting so far away from porn, structuring life, prioritising things and whatnot, however now...? I'll book a session soon I think to just go through these things, perhaps just talking anyways is a good thing.

Basically I'm doing pretty good, there's difficulties in marriage and work-life but I hope to overcome both of those difficulties. I'm often around here reading so if anyone wants to have a chat just feel free to send a direct message.

I wish everyone all the best, life can only get better!
 
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Sanders

Active Member
Oh by the way, thanks Wwalker! I actually do have a pretty good plan and a structure to all my workout activities. Basically every day of the week I have some activities. I started these 100-pushups and 200-situps schedules and alternate them day by day. Next to that I cycle about 4-5 times a week. I try to walk the dog as often as possible and eat a bit healthier as well. Hope you're doing well too!
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Glad to see you're still moving forward Sanders. I know everything will fall in place for you with time in your marriage
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 249

Rather different check-in than before. Haven't been honest with myself, my wife and this forum regarding masturbation. To get rid of porn in my life was great and I truly have no need or desire to go back to that. I'm happy that I kicked that out of my life and that I'm no longer supporting that industry. I did masturbate and I believe that's been very helpful in not returning to porn. My wife and I are both fine with masturbation, as long as it isn't too often and kept secret. Intimacy is currently off the table so therefore it was a helpful thing.

Over time I've been reducing the amount of times I'd masturbate but the last couple months I haven't been able to do it max once a week. It was my own idea to reduce the amount but somehow I felt the need to do it more often. Now there wouldn't really have been a problem if I'd just talked about this, but I chose to rather keep this secret and do it on my own. A few days back my wife found out and it hurts her a lot. The behaviour itself isn't the bad thing, the part where I'm hiding it is. It's just a path backwards towards porn. The problem with porn was that I hid it for so many years and I was convinced that I could just overcome it myself. Since I'd been using porn for 13 years and never really felt OK with it I suppose that strategy wasn't succesful. So, similar behaviour only now it's with masturbation.

I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to just talk about it. I can imagine for her it feels like the exact same behaviour that's hurt her so much. There's no excuses for hiding it, just have to bring it out into the open and deal with it. I'll take a couple of steps back and refocuss my recovery work. I'll be here more often than before just to check in and see what it's been.

Days without porn: 249
Last time masturbating: Sunday
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I'd say the same. Be open about it. You are already managing to stay away from porn. Thats the toughest and most important thing for now.
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Sorry about this Sanders.

Masturbation isnt as bad. But I feel you should be more open with your wife about it. Have more conversations about it. If you can't have these kind of conversations with her, then who man?

We're sexual beings and at some point we'd crave these things but dishonesty about and secrecy is just the problem.

So try as much as posso6tobtalk about your urges, and all of that with her. If you have to force the conversations and connect. It's necessary
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 257

Thanks Jeks and Chris for the support. She indicated that it's fine by her if I just talk about it, for some reason I chose to hide it. I think it's a remainder of the porn addiction where masturbation is still associated with shame, secrecy or embarrasement. I figured since porn is gone from my life I'd be out of the woods.

Anyways the past days have been good. I feel more in control and hope to build on that. Openness is something I definitely have to work on and that's what I'm doing. I'm not the most outspoken person in general so sharing vulnerabilities especially doesn't come so natural.

Moving forward :)
 
S

Sanders

Active Member
Day 270 - about 9 months without porn!

Still going forward :) It's a nice feeling to 'achieve' these milestones, makes me realise how far I've come since May last year. Still working on finding a new job and studying whilst being laid-off. Not too much hope that work will resume anytime soon since the whole COVID mess. I think over the past months I've sent around a hundred applications where I got invited three times to interviews. Made it till one of the last ones in two interviews but unfortunately I wasn't picked. It's draining quite a lot but i'm still motivated to continue the search.

I really enjoy winter, however I've been a bit stuck in the house these days. Constantly degrees below -10 celcius make it difficult to go out too often. It's beautiful though to see everything covered in snow and ice, nature always gives a fresh perspective on life.

Anyways, good luck everyone out there!
 
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