My journal towards freedom

[Sanders]

Hi,

25 year old guy here, married for a bit over a year. Used porn since I was about 13,14 so half of my life went to that. I've always hid it from the people around me and always felt dissapointed with myself because of PMO. My wife found out and I still lied by holding things back for her. I was afraid she'd be more devastated if I told everything - stupid choice that made it more difficult. We noticed how distanced I'd become over time. Seeing how porn use and depressions are linked together I realised how much it'd actually affected me.

Every detail is out now, marriage on the brink of divorce, really difficult to look to the future. On the other hand, it's been 19 days without porn. Haven't really had urges or needs, I guess my brain is too preoccupied with saving my life and trying to help my wife. Currently grasping all the help around me to get better; phsyhologist, church help, involved my parents and brothers, and I've been using Fortify pretty often. Blocked all the access to porn around me so it's at the moment not even possible to relapse.

Practical info: No PIED luckily, used to watch porn between 2-5 times a week I guess. On some occasions twice a day. Didn't really do the 'edging' thing, the whole thing was always less than 5-10 minutes. Skipped usually to some penetration angle that worked for me and that was it. Now zero porn, I try to limit masturbation to twice a week without any porn thoughts.

One day at the time and I will beat this addiction. Tips and suggestions are always welcome, the more info the better!

All the best,
Sander

 

[faenoe]

Hi Sanders

Welcome to you. This is a great community to be a part of and I often find the support I need to get through times where the desire to look at porn is running through my brain. It seems like you have a lot of external factors taking up your focus right now. That sounds really hard. I hope you find the help you need to recover from this awful addiction. I have to warn you though: it is not easy. You're signing up for the most difficult thing in the world. If that sounds like an overstatement, look at how many people use porn every day. Look at how many are addicted. And you want to set yourself apart from them? You have to realize the magnitude of the journey you're starting if you want to get to your destination.

The best place to start is by reading some of the journals and learning about your addictive patterns.

Despite the difficult journey ahead of you, please also realize that thousands of people have recovered from this and that you can do it as well. I have achieved the greatest progress through my recovery while being active on this forum. Hope you can find a place here too.

 

[Sanders]

Hi,

Day 20 now without porn, almost the three weeks mark Thank you Faenoe for taking the time to reply, always good to have someone who believes in me! It's a really tough situation, so much going on at the moment that I can't really seem to think straight. Quiting porn, quiting all the lying, trying to save our marriage. We're now a bit in a middle situation, I think the worst has passed but looking at the future is still far away.

Anyways, today was alright. Slept not as horrible as the nights before luckily. Had some breakfast, did some chores, baked some cookies for the wife. Afterwards went cycling, it's weird how this whole situation cut about 20-30% of my performance. I guess I can blame it on the lack of sleep and nutrition. Still it's a good way to distract myself, focussing on something else for a change is good too! I've noticed that I've been difficult in trying to talk with her the last few days, as soon as it becomes about my past I get defensive and frustrated. Tonight I hope we can have a good talk where I can just listen and stop being an asshole. Anyone here knows what emotions are? I haven't really used them too much the last years so it's hard to define them.

Tomorrow 3 weeks without porn!

 

[goingpublic]

Hello there, Sanders,

it's great that you blocked all access to porn right away. I think you also did great on doing all this uncomfortable stuff of telling the people around you about your addiction, because it helps you.

.

Two things that might help you with communicating with your wife:

- From the book "the 7 habits of highly effective people": read the 5th habit "Seek first to understand, than to be understood" , or just google "Seek first to understand, than to be understood"

- the other book is "crucial conversations"

Well, just some ideas.

.

I highly recommend you Gabe Deem's collection answering interesting questions: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2956.0

.

Can you still get turned on by your wife and have sex? (but probably your relationship is too strained right now for intimacy?)

.

Stay strong!

 

[Sanders]

Hi goingpublic,

Thanks for your input, it's been tough but I'm on a healing process. I'll have a look at the books you've suggested, it's difficult but I feel that there's been some sort of improvement. At least a bit of talking about the situation! I don't have any physical issues, still turned on and able to have sex. Like you said indeed, now it's not the time for that. Noticed also that over time sex just became about me and not so much about her, I guess my mind had gone towards a point where real intimacy was replaced by the need for just an orgasm.

Anyways, thanks again!

 

[Sanders]

Day 21

Three weeks without porn, an achievement? Days are going by pretty easily, still too much clutter in my mind to even think of watching porn. Had a bit of a talk yesterday with my wife, even though it feels good to talk there's just a lot of pain and doubt. I think I we talked for about an hour where I just listened as much as I could.

I've just been feeling fearful the past weeks, I guess it's true that you can't see the entire value of something until you're confronted with losing it. I don't want to let go of her, but I'm also the reason for all of her pain. Helping her is the priority, but I don't want to push her anywhere she's not comfortable going. I guess only time will tell, just seems so silly how I never had the power to stop it before.

Last Monday I had a meeting with my psychologist. I have to find my triggers but that's really difficult to identify. I guess my it just went to habit and I've forgotten even the why's of doing it. I've read that more people face this difficulty in precisely finding out what triggers them.

Anyways, 3 weeks done. Baby steps!

 

[jhonjordan]

Hi Sanders

First I would like to congratulate you, since telling the others you took a great step. Now you have 21 days which is a very good number, remember that in the first stage of recovery you can feel a drop in libido and this is normal. Also another important concept is that the process is not exactly linear, there will be days that you will feel better and others that will not, but in the long term the changes are incredible.

Regarding your love life, I hope you can solve things with your wife!

We are here to support you!

 

[Sanders]

Day 22

Thank jhonjordan for taking the time to support! Telling was weird but luckily all those around want to support me to get better. Talking about my sex life to my parents wasn't really first on my list but in the end we're all just weird people in some way. Haven't neccesarily had a drop in libido, just no desire to watch at porn. Trying to get to a healthier amount of orgasms after being used to multiple times a week. Now down to about 2 a week and just slowly trying to lower that too.

Easy day again for the urges. I did some garden work for about 2-3 hours which was good, distractions are always welcome. Cleaned the house after and took a bikeride. Had to take it easy because today I want to go a bit further. My wife and I are both still at home due to the virus, so I'm trying to be outside as much as I can to give her the space she needs. Small moments of happiness, my wife was laughing so much at one point about something silly. Nice to see her happy for some time in the midst of all of this shit. It's difficult after all these years that there's this distance between us. I would just like to hug her (without sexual intent) but that's not really possible now.

Another busy day coming up. Driving to family, going out for a couple of hours of cycling and taking a bigger walk with our doggie.

 

[Sanders]

Day 23

Tired, anxious, hopeless. Feelings I'd never experienced before my secrets and lies were brought in the open. I don't really think it comes from the lack of porn, I don't feel any desire or want to return to that. Facing a lot of difficulties in looking forward to the future. It's discouraging to think I'd have to leave all the life I'd built up over years, I hope not to. Even though the foundation was rotten from my side, I try to rebuild what I can. One step at the time I'll become better Found some helpful info on https://neverfapdeluxe.com. It mostly focusses on becoming in control of your mind, which is a really good concept. Daily meditation is added to my list for improvement!

I'm keeping the motivation to change, no matter the difficulties I face.

@Kopp, if you read this: I really liked the quote in your journal, just going to write it down here

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.

 

[Sanders]

Day 24

Difficulties and doubtfulnes remain, it's a constant up and down throughout the days. Over the weekend we had some tough discussions together about our future, they weren't the most hopeful. On the other hand I'm happy to be closing in on a month without porn without any urges or withdrawal symptoms. Pretty happy with that given that I have been doing that shit for around 13 years. I've started to incorporate meditation in my daily habit, it's still a bit difficult with all my worries but I hope to get better at it.

Had a pretty rough night too. My wife came up with the idea earlier that I can sleep outside for a while. I gladly took the offer to try to cheer her up somehow. Our back terrace is covered anyways and it's not that cold. Started out okay, then woke up after an hour with a nosebleed and my face covered in it, yay. Washed up, went back and couldn't really get back in the sleeping mode again. Living in Finland means that it's midsummer in 3 weeks where the sun barely goes down. It's a good distraction though.

Sounds messed up, just trying to make the best out of a crap situation that I've caused. I guess it's funny in a way, just paying my dues.

Every day without porn is a step further away from returning to it!

 

[Doctor Who]

Wow, Sanders, this is some backstory, and bravo to you for going on this journey with the marriage issues.

24 days is fantastic, and it'll serve to give me a boost if things get a bit choppy down my neck of the woods.

 

[Sanders]

Day 25

Shit day, shit night. I'm too afraid to leave the life behind that I have been building with my wife, she just can't see a future together now. I messed it up but I can't only the rotten part of myself. Motivation is hard without sleep, whatever, just got to keep going.

Still no porn, some good thing.

 

[Sanders]

Day 26

@Doctor Who, thanks Forgot to reply earlier. I'm surprised how easy things are going, 13 years of PMO and I haven't really looked back at it. About two weeks ago I shared a video I used to PMO to often with my wife because she needed to know. I saw part of the video but I didn't feel any urge to continue in my behaviour. The more I've read about porn the last weeks, the more disgusted I am by it. Maybe that helps. Human trafficking, exploitation, child pornography, violence, putting women down, mental issues, PTSD in actresses, suicides and the list goes on. Doesn't really pop in the head when watching porn, now it just makes me want to stay further away from it.


Every day seems to be entirely different than the day before. Yesterday was a bit more calm, did some things with my wife together whilst avoiding the big question ahead of us. Continue together or not? I tried to push it out of my mind and just focus on the moment together. I got frustrated at some point and showed it, that was a bad thing. I really have to work on myself, I get frustrated so easily it's annoying. Looking back at the past few years I was pretty easily frustrated or angry. I hope that that fades away soon and I can focus on good things in life. Away from the anger.

No porn urges for another day! Masturbated though, but only focussing on the sensation itself.

 

[Sanders]

Day 27

Pretty steady at the moment. Been away from home for most of the day to do some tasks, felt nice to be out in the sun. Also good that my wife has some more time to herself to think when I'm out.  We'd been planning before my secrets came out to plant a tree in our backyard. Today we received most of the materials to plant it Something to look forward to, the tree should be shipped out next week to us and hopefully come somewhere in that week too. Nice to have something in the future to be excited for, it's been quite some time since we've had that.

Got a call from work today that our lay-off is extended 'until further notice'. Luckily I get compensations from my union, I do have to find something to do though. Hanging around at house looking at porn-help websites isn't really something I can see myself doing for the coming months.

Alright, pretty close to a month now so that's exciting!

 

[Doctor Who]

Day 26

@Doctor Who, thanks Forgot to reply earlier. I'm surprised how easy things are going, 13 years of PMO and I haven't really looked back at it. About two weeks ago I shared a video I used to PMO to often with my wife because she needed to know. I saw part of the video but I didn't feel any urge to continue in my behaviour. The more I've read about porn the last weeks, the more disgusted I am by it. Maybe that helps. Human trafficking, exploitation, child pornography, violence, putting women down, mental issues, PTSD in actresses, suicides and the list goes on. Doesn't really pop in the head when watching porn, now it just makes me want to stay further away from it.


Every day seems to be entirely different than the day before. Yesterday was a bit more calm, did some things with my wife together whilst avoiding the big question ahead of us. Continue together or not? I tried to push it out of my mind and just focus on the moment together. I got frustrated at some point and showed it, that was a bad thing. I really have to work on myself, I get frustrated so easily it's annoying. Looking back at the past few years I was pretty easily frustrated or angry. I hope that that fades away soon and I can focus on good things in life. Away from the anger.

No porn urges for another day! Masturbated though, but only focussing on the sensation itself.

That's brilliant to read that you're using the dark side to porn to avoid succumbing to it, and even better that even though you saw a bit of it, you didn't feel you should cave in.

Almost reached a month too, so great work, and keep it up (pardon the pun).

 

[Jeks]

hey sander,

its good to hear about your success on staying away from porn.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-if-my-partner-is-a-porn-addict/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-do-i-say-to-my-mate/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunctions/porn-induced-ed-what-do-i-tell-my-girlfriend/

I dont know if these links are helpful for your wife, but maybe its worth thinking about showing them to her. Also it gives you maybe some ideas on how to handle the situation.

Keep going! You are doing a great job!

 

[Sanders]

@Doctor Who, thanks man. Yeah the porn industry is pretty messed up. In my case I guess that's led to cognitive dissonance, especially since a family member works to help prostitutes in their situation. I've always known the bad effects it has on people, however I never managed to fully accept that. Confessing this to my close family was embarrasing but definitely helped. Rational thinking about it helps a lot, I saw one TED talk from a guy talking about the weirdness of porn. He described the abscence of hands in porn, how abnormal that would be in regular sex but somehow normal in porn. Thinking of that makes you realise how unnatural it is. All these type of things make porn just a distant memory

@Jeks, thank you for your suggestions. Happy I don't have PIED or anything physical relating from it. Problem in my case however was that I didn't voluntarily told her, but she found out. Earlier I denied watching porn so those things made it only more difficult. Additionally the relationship is currently too damaged for intimacy, distance really sucks. Earlier we talked about how boring our sex life had become due to my messed up expectations. If we continue together and can be intimate again, it will initially only be focussed on her instead of me. She's been reading YBOP too so she understands many concepts. However the lying around all of it might even be worse than the porn itself. I messed up big time.

 

[Sanders]

Day 28

My dreams are getting much more vivid. I used to maybe remember small parts of dreams very rarely, now around every other day I'll remember the dreams. Regular dreams are fun and weird, they don't make any sense but it's good to at least see some change in my brains.

Tiredness is overwhelming. I sleep around 7 hours each day but it's very light, just waking up tired every day. For my wife it's worse, she sleeps very little and frequently has nightmares about me and my past. This tiredness isn't really helping but I still keep going. At some point better times should come Unfortunately the weather turned worse and I'm a bit stuck inside. I'd like to go out, excersice, walk, take the doggie with me, anything. Hopefully it'll be a bit nicer soon.

Reading this forum and interacting with other people is nice. I hope to be able to share some of my mistakes so others won't make them in the future. Porn is damaging so many lives, I hope my small contributions here and there may help people. Input from others is always nice. Even though details are different, we're still in very similar situations all. Everyone here wants to get porn out of their lives, we're all damaged in some ways. It reminded me of a saying that can be loosely translated as  a situation where "The paralysed leading the blind". We try to help others from our own damaged perspectives, we see our faults and hope to improve other lives as well along the way.

28 days, still like 70-something years to go hopefully

 

[Sanders]

Day 29

Another day, another tough situation. Last night tensions got so high that we were packing my stuff to leave, nearly booked the flight tickets. Later decided that I should stay. For my wife it's becoming like this U2 song: "I can't live, with or without you". Today we did some things together in the house, reorganised some cabinets and cleaned up some old things. Felt nice to do something together but I don't know how the next day will look like. Living in uncertainty is difficult, it must be worse for her. Not only physical tiredness, also emotional exhaustion is kicking in. We've been in this situation now for about a month and still have no idea what to do. Everything seems wrong, nothing seems right.

The porn seems the easiest of my problems now, still no urges or anything. Watched yesterday an instructional video from Fortify about their 'STAR' method for dealing with urges: Step back and observe, Take a few conscious breaths, Assess what's going on around you and ask yourself if this is really what you want, Respond. Pretty simple thing to remember when encountering urges. Hope I won't need it but maybe it can be of help to some people here

Anyways, 29 days. Seems like an eternity.

 

[Sanders]

Day 30

30 days without porn. 30 days since she found out. The balance between these things is strange. For me being 30 days without porn is great, for her it's 30 days being utterly destroyed mentally and physically. I can't look at her without seeing the pain I've caused, she is such a beautiful, good-hearted, kind and loving person. I forced my addiction and lies into her life and ruined it, why did I do that? Why couldn't I have stopped when we met and told her I wanted to overcome my problems? No, I kept going and kept hiding it from her. Kept trying to paint myself as a person who'd never do these things, who's truly good and who'd never hurt her.

I want to help her to get her life together, I just don't know how. Staying hurts her, leaving hurts her. Her trust in people is broken and I don't want her in any more pain than she already is. She just wants to be happy again in the future, there was so much hurt when she said that. All she wanted was a good person who loved her and didn't lie to her. I hope she can find happiness in life.

30 days, progress and destruction combined.