Doctor Who
Member
Have you told your wife that you're attempting to reboot?
Apologies if I've missed it in your posts.
Apologies if I've missed it in your posts.
My journal towards freedom
- Thread starter Sanders
- Start date
Day 31
Hey Doctor Who, she knows about it all. Together we've installed blockers on my devices and she knows the process, she knows the forums and also read YBOP & Fight the new drug. Whether she believes in it is another question. She found it out herself and I didn't tell her I wanted to quit. I don't know if I would've quit if she'd never found out.
Anyways, a bit more quiet days. Did some cleaning and organising around the house together which was nice. Grilled some food later and ate on the terrace, summer is here! Feeling pretty low on energy these days, took a few emotional hits and haven't really been able to excersice outside. Today will be the day to go out and enjoy nature, it's nice to be outside and appreciate the beauty there is in this world. Planning to go out cycling for a while and take a doggie walk. I also need to pick up something from a hardware store, it's good to stay busy!
Still no urges for porn, this is really strange to me. I couldn't go a week without before, even when I tried to quit on my own. Now, it feels like there's no addiction or anything at all, it's just gone. I know I shouldn't be underestimating this, I've been doing it for 13 years so it's bound to be stuck in my head. Not that I'm complaining, just an observation that doesn't really make sense.
Alright, 31 days done. Trying to get better!
Hey Doctor Who, she knows about it all. Together we've installed blockers on my devices and she knows the process, she knows the forums and also read YBOP & Fight the new drug. Whether she believes in it is another question. She found it out herself and I didn't tell her I wanted to quit. I don't know if I would've quit if she'd never found out.
Anyways, a bit more quiet days. Did some cleaning and organising around the house together which was nice. Grilled some food later and ate on the terrace, summer is here! Feeling pretty low on energy these days, took a few emotional hits and haven't really been able to excersice outside. Today will be the day to go out and enjoy nature, it's nice to be outside and appreciate the beauty there is in this world. Planning to go out cycling for a while and take a doggie walk. I also need to pick up something from a hardware store, it's good to stay busy!
Still no urges for porn, this is really strange to me. I couldn't go a week without before, even when I tried to quit on my own. Now, it feels like there's no addiction or anything at all, it's just gone. I know I shouldn't be underestimating this, I've been doing it for 13 years so it's bound to be stuck in my head. Not that I'm complaining, just an observation that doesn't really make sense.
Alright, 31 days done. Trying to get better!
brandnewself
Member
Hi Sanders,
It's a good sign that your wife reads YBOP instead of denying the reality. I hope you can win her back.
I feel this "no urges to watch porn" as well right now. I'm also at 30+ days and I'm quite familiar with it. Several times I've gone beyond 100 days cold turkey and I always found my way back to porn precisely because I had no urge to watch porn. It sounds counter intuitive but it's the tricky side of porn addiction. Since I couldn't find satisfaction in real life, eventually I just convinced myself I needed some kick. Porn was the only thing I knew even though I didn't have the cravings to watch it. It's psychological.
I'm again battling against this feeling. I'm aware of this false sense of "I'm over it already" and I hope I won't fall into this trap anymore.
It's a good sign that your wife reads YBOP instead of denying the reality. I hope you can win her back.
I feel this "no urges to watch porn" as well right now. I'm also at 30+ days and I'm quite familiar with it. Several times I've gone beyond 100 days cold turkey and I always found my way back to porn precisely because I had no urge to watch porn. It sounds counter intuitive but it's the tricky side of porn addiction. Since I couldn't find satisfaction in real life, eventually I just convinced myself I needed some kick. Porn was the only thing I knew even though I didn't have the cravings to watch it. It's psychological.
I'm again battling against this feeling. I'm aware of this false sense of "I'm over it already" and I hope I won't fall into this trap anymore.
Doctor Who
Member
Sanders said:
You might be in some sort of flatline, lacking urges, and feeling low on energy.
I suppose it doesn't really matter if you'd bothered to start this journey if your wife hadn't found out. The key is that you're on this journey now. This is what I don't like about stigma around porn addiction though. Because it's porn, people don't think it's real, but if you'd said you had alcohol, gambling or drug issues, everyone would be supporting you like crazy! Yet they all affect the same part of the brain.
Day 32
Steady progress without much effort. Thanks @brandnewself for replying. Good to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I guess we'll have to keep our guards up for as long as we can to not fall back into it. Impressive how long you went without several times, I'm looking forward to reaching those numbers
Trying to fill up my life with enough other things so I won't have to go back to porn at some later point.
Also @doctor who, thank you for your words. Indeed it's important to know the journey I'm on, that's what's important. Could've made it myself a hell of a lot easier though by just admitting it. It's indeed a strange difference between all these addictions. Luckily my family has so far supported me wherever they can which is nice. Also, I don't really think I'm flatlining. Everything down there is working fine, MW ocassionally and try to M twice a week maximum. I think going to once a week would be better but just slowly making it less.
I've been doing so much reading lately, hadn't really done those things in a long time. Every day I set time apart to read the bible for some time, I read through Rebootnation, PAA and Reddit's NoFap. I feel good to familiarise myself with all the aspects and impacts of this addiction. I think it helps in my process. Sounds a bit bad but I'm happy there's people with worse addictions than me. Makes me more comfortable to be able to get rid of my addiction. Another thing I've noticed was that whenever I go to another forum I write on (porn addicts anonymous) I write 'porn' in my browser and press answer. It used to be when I wrote that in my browser I was already pretty far on the PMO road. Now it's just a word I write to get help, no more draw towards porn.
I see it as a sign that the connections that brought me to porn are slooooowly fading. Good result!
Steady progress without much effort. Thanks @brandnewself for replying. Good to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I guess we'll have to keep our guards up for as long as we can to not fall back into it. Impressive how long you went without several times, I'm looking forward to reaching those numbers
Trying to fill up my life with enough other things so I won't have to go back to porn at some later point.Also @doctor who, thank you for your words. Indeed it's important to know the journey I'm on, that's what's important. Could've made it myself a hell of a lot easier though by just admitting it. It's indeed a strange difference between all these addictions. Luckily my family has so far supported me wherever they can which is nice. Also, I don't really think I'm flatlining. Everything down there is working fine, MW ocassionally and try to M twice a week maximum. I think going to once a week would be better but just slowly making it less.
I've been doing so much reading lately, hadn't really done those things in a long time. Every day I set time apart to read the bible for some time, I read through Rebootnation, PAA and Reddit's NoFap. I feel good to familiarise myself with all the aspects and impacts of this addiction. I think it helps in my process. Sounds a bit bad but I'm happy there's people with worse addictions than me. Makes me more comfortable to be able to get rid of my addiction. Another thing I've noticed was that whenever I go to another forum I write on (porn addicts anonymous) I write 'porn' in my browser and press answer. It used to be when I wrote that in my browser I was already pretty far on the PMO road. Now it's just a word I write to get help, no more draw towards porn.
I see it as a sign that the connections that brought me to porn are slooooowly fading. Good result!
Day 33
Things have stabilised a bit. Continued my daily habits of reading and working towards recovery. Finally the sun is out again which means I'll have time to go outside. We've ordered a tree for our backyard so that will be a nice project to work on these days. It's one of these Japanese cherry trees with the pretty blossoms, it should look really nice once it's all settled in! Depending on how everything goes today, I'd also like to go cycling for a couple of hours. Haven't really had much possibilities for excersising but I should be more focussed on that. Lost quite a bit of weight these days due to a lack of appetite and all, relationship problems hit real hard.
33rd day, still can't believe it was so difficult to get out of this behaviour earlier.
Things have stabilised a bit. Continued my daily habits of reading and working towards recovery. Finally the sun is out again which means I'll have time to go outside. We've ordered a tree for our backyard so that will be a nice project to work on these days. It's one of these Japanese cherry trees with the pretty blossoms, it should look really nice once it's all settled in! Depending on how everything goes today, I'd also like to go cycling for a couple of hours. Haven't really had much possibilities for excersising but I should be more focussed on that. Lost quite a bit of weight these days due to a lack of appetite and all, relationship problems hit real hard.
33rd day, still can't believe it was so difficult to get out of this behaviour earlier.
Day 34
Distraction is great. I've spend almost the entire day planting a tree in our backyard. Since the soil was so bad I had to cut out a hole of well over 1m3 (35 cubiq feet in freedom measurements) of almost pure clay. Good to have some excersice and to make something nice. It's one of these cherry blossom trees so it should look really beautiful in spring. Today I still need to clean up a bit and do something with the extra soil and clay I've dug up. I really hope the tree will do well, my gardening skills aren't my strongest point unfortunately. My wife cooked some food in the evening and ate together. I forgot to do some of my standard daily tasks that have kept me going but I was busy enough anyways.
Staying busy helps!
Distraction is great. I've spend almost the entire day planting a tree in our backyard. Since the soil was so bad I had to cut out a hole of well over 1m3 (35 cubiq feet in freedom measurements) of almost pure clay. Good to have some excersice and to make something nice. It's one of these cherry blossom trees so it should look really beautiful in spring. Today I still need to clean up a bit and do something with the extra soil and clay I've dug up. I really hope the tree will do well, my gardening skills aren't my strongest point unfortunately. My wife cooked some food in the evening and ate together. I forgot to do some of my standard daily tasks that have kept me going but I was busy enough anyways.
Staying busy helps!
Day 35
Thanks Kopp, it's nice to work towards something indeed. Our garden is mostly for our doggie though but we try to make it look nice
Days just go up and down. Started out with some cleaning up work in the garden after all the work. I then went out for over 3 hours of cycling. These things were nice, good to get the energy out on something healthy. Another tough discussion followed. I can't promise I won't relapse. I don't ever want to return to porn, and I'm confident that I can beat it. However there are plenty of stories everywhere of people who relapse after months, years, or more. I can't make her go through that again, nor let her live in constant doubt waiting for the next relapse to happen. She deserves a better life than that. I don't know whether I'll get to see the tree I planted get the blossom next spring.
5 weeks of no porn at least. Small victories.
Thanks Kopp, it's nice to work towards something indeed. Our garden is mostly for our doggie though but we try to make it look nice
Days just go up and down. Started out with some cleaning up work in the garden after all the work. I then went out for over 3 hours of cycling. These things were nice, good to get the energy out on something healthy. Another tough discussion followed. I can't promise I won't relapse. I don't ever want to return to porn, and I'm confident that I can beat it. However there are plenty of stories everywhere of people who relapse after months, years, or more. I can't make her go through that again, nor let her live in constant doubt waiting for the next relapse to happen. She deserves a better life than that. I don't know whether I'll get to see the tree I planted get the blossom next spring.
5 weeks of no porn at least. Small victories.
Hey Kopp,
The hurt my behaviour has caused my wife is beyond words to explain. For 6,5 years I inserted myself in her life and always maintained how against porn, cheating or whatever other bad behaviour I was. I was in denial of myself. I define using porn in a relationship as cheating, it's something that in my opinion doesn't have the right to be in a loving relationship. I was sexually gratifying myself towards other women than my wife.
I understand that this is not everyone's view, and that's okay. However for me, and for us, it isn't. Turning back to porn would be cheating on my wife again. There's a bit of science behind that too. Everytime you cum 'to someone' your brain releases some chemical that normally would bond you to a real human. I tried finding it but can't get you the link now. This is one of the reasons why I really don't want to relapse For some, porn has a place in their relationships, I understand people can be OK with their SO watching porn. I was never okay with myself for watching porn, even long before meeting my wife. I'm done with that shit.
The hurt my behaviour has caused my wife is beyond words to explain. For 6,5 years I inserted myself in her life and always maintained how against porn, cheating or whatever other bad behaviour I was. I was in denial of myself. I define using porn in a relationship as cheating, it's something that in my opinion doesn't have the right to be in a loving relationship. I was sexually gratifying myself towards other women than my wife.
I understand that this is not everyone's view, and that's okay. However for me, and for us, it isn't. Turning back to porn would be cheating on my wife again. There's a bit of science behind that too. Everytime you cum 'to someone' your brain releases some chemical that normally would bond you to a real human. I tried finding it but can't get you the link now. This is one of the reasons why I really don't want to relapse
For some, porn has a place in their relationships, I understand people can be OK with their SO watching porn. I was never okay with myself for watching porn, even long before meeting my wife. I'm done with that shit.Day 36
Tired and confused. I've got to figure out who I really am under the layer I had over me for so many years. Using porn is often a way of pushing things away and not dealing with emotions and feelings properly. What was I really trying to escape from? Anyways, busy day planned. Seeing some family and later my brother-in-law for a drink. Sun's out so it should be a great day outside.
Tired and confused. I've got to figure out who I really am under the layer I had over me for so many years. Using porn is often a way of pushing things away and not dealing with emotions and feelings properly. What was I really trying to escape from? Anyways, busy day planned. Seeing some family and later my brother-in-law for a drink. Sun's out so it should be a great day outside.
Day 38
This journal entry marks a huge improvement. Big leap forward in life
Skipped a day of journalling because of a good reason. Wife and I reconnected in many ways and we're giving it all we can to try and make it work again After 5 weeks of living seperately in the same house we're honestly back together. We're smiling, happy and willing to move forward. It's a really great feeling and gives a lot of hope. We've talked a lot in positive ways and ready to get a better life. I still need to get some of the shit in my head in order but I'm hopeful all will turn out well. We also shared the news with some family and that felt good, support is always nice to have.
Another good thing, after such a long time of mediocre sex because of me, we've finally had honestly great sex half the day yesterday. Tried to do everything better this time and she said it was the best sex I'd ever given her. Confidence +1000%! Porn sucks, it took away so much enjoyment from us both. Good to realise how much better life is without porn!
Happy times, 38 days and life is better.
This journal entry marks a huge improvement. Big leap forward in life
Skipped a day of journalling because of a good reason. Wife and I reconnected in many ways and we're giving it all we can to try and make it work again
After 5 weeks of living seperately in the same house we're honestly back together. We're smiling, happy and willing to move forward. It's a really great feeling and gives a lot of hope. We've talked a lot in positive ways and ready to get a better life. I still need to get some of the shit in my head in order but I'm hopeful all will turn out well. We also shared the news with some family and that felt good, support is always nice to have. Another good thing, after such a long time of mediocre sex because of me, we've finally had honestly great sex half the day yesterday. Tried to do everything better this time and she said it was the best sex I'd ever given her. Confidence +1000%! Porn sucks, it took away so much enjoyment from us both. Good to realise how much better life is without porn!
Happy times, 38 days and life is better.
brandnewself
Member
Hey man, great news! Happy to hear that things are getting better! It is those positive reinforcements that motivate us to move forward. Porn makes us lose sight of what's truly meaningful and enjoyable in life. I'm truly happy to see your post because it also gives me hope.
Doctor Who
Member
Sanders said:Day 38
Skipped a day of journalling because of a good reason. Wife and I reconnected in many ways and we're giving it all we can to try and make it work again
Another good thing, after such a long time of mediocre sex because of me, we've finally had honestly great sex half the day yesterday. Tried to do everything better this time and she said it was the best sex I'd ever given her. Confidence +1000%! Porn sucks, it took away so much enjoyment from us both. Good to realise how much better life is without porn!
Happy times, 38 days and life is better.
Wonderful news! Really hope it continues, mate. Just take it one day at time (no PM or O from PM, and reconnecting with your wife). I reckon a few weeks to a month, you're going to be a fantastic place emotionally. You've powered through, and I'm so glad the jigsaw is beginning to piece itself together.
Day 39
It's strange. It's now been going so much better in our relationship for only two days yet it feels like much longer and that's a great thing. Sleeping next to each other feels great after time apart. I lost sight of how good all the parts in our relationship could be, it hurts to think how much of that I've wasted. Our connection feels stronger and that's a really good thing. Just experiencing all these positive and happy emotions and feelings makes it only more easy to say no to porn. It doesn't enter my head, I don't need it. All the years I've wasted PMOing to a screen messed me up. Now we're healing and becoming whole again. Trying to also get a healthier connection to sex. It used to be focussed on my O and that was about it. Yesterday just gave oral without 'following-up' as usual. I think it's a healthy change for my brains to not just search for my own pleasure.
Building a new and better future every day
Saw a nice quote from Fortify that puts porn use in perspective
"If porn was really packaged and sold as some kind of a wonder drug that would be a pretty impressive advertising campaign: Want to feel more nervous, uneasy and empty inside? Have you been looking for ways to feel colder toward those you love? If so, we have the drug for you!"
It's strange. It's now been going so much better in our relationship for only two days yet it feels like much longer and that's a great thing. Sleeping next to each other feels great after time apart. I lost sight of how good all the parts in our relationship could be, it hurts to think how much of that I've wasted. Our connection feels stronger and that's a really good thing. Just experiencing all these positive and happy emotions and feelings makes it only more easy to say no to porn. It doesn't enter my head, I don't need it. All the years I've wasted PMOing to a screen messed me up. Now we're healing and becoming whole again. Trying to also get a healthier connection to sex. It used to be focussed on my O and that was about it. Yesterday just gave oral without 'following-up' as usual. I think it's a healthy change for my brains to not just search for my own pleasure.
Building a new and better future every day
Saw a nice quote from Fortify that puts porn use in perspective
"If porn was really packaged and sold as some kind of a wonder drug that would be a pretty impressive advertising campaign: Want to feel more nervous, uneasy and empty inside? Have you been looking for ways to feel colder toward those you love? If so, we have the drug for you!"
Mybrainneedsreboot
Member
Hallo Sanders,
Emil here. I ve read your journal and the confidence that you gained all the way really stands out. I am looking forward to be in your place. It is a good motivation!
I have two questions for you.
1) Which times (which days) did you have your worst urges. Has avoiding triggers had a severe influence on that?
2) I ve got the idea you believe in God, and more specifical tue christian one. Has reading the Bible made an impact on you?
Stay motivated!
Emil here. I ve read your journal and the confidence that you gained all the way really stands out. I am looking forward to be in your place. It is a good motivation!
I have two questions for you.
1) Which times (which days) did you have your worst urges. Has avoiding triggers had a severe influence on that?
2) I ve got the idea you believe in God, and more specifical tue christian one. Has reading the Bible made an impact on you?
Stay motivated!
letsreebot
Member
Sanders, your progress is inspiring.
Not only the way your rebooting/rewiring is improving very quickly, but all that comes with it in your personal life. Look forward to keep reading as days pass, hope to see you in the "successful storys" hall soon enough. Keep it tight!
Not only the way your rebooting/rewiring is improving very quickly, but all that comes with it in your personal life. Look forward to keep reading as days pass, hope to see you in the "successful storys" hall soon enough. Keep it tight!