My journal towards freedom

[Sanders]

Day 49

Day 49 means that I've been writing here for a month. A time of a lot of ups and downs but currently still everything is going pretty well! Spending time with my wife is great, we're doing more and more things together and that's a really nice development. Life is getting easier each day even though the history still looms over it somehow. I'm happy to have avoided any relapses, and it's just a sign of determination and self-development that it's been such a steady progress these days. The longer without porn the easier it should get right? Today is a pretty busy day, driving some family around to places and visiting others. It's nice to drive around in this great summer. Beautiful landscapes, sunny weather, good times.

@ShadeTrenicin, thank you for your encouraging words. The lying is a large part of our shared addiction and it creates only more problems. Sometimes it feels as if the lying was worse than the porn habit itself, I tried to do everything to show myself as a person who'd never be like that. Luckily now it's easy. I'm no longer afraid if my phone is somewhere around my wife, I'm no longer afraid for questions about me or my history. I've told all, a really big relieve!

@Doctor Who, I've had a lot of alone time the past weeks but ever since things have been going better in our relationship we've been a lot closer. I understand the value of alone time and I should make more effort to maintain that. Thanks for the mention It's been a journey indeed, as strange as it's been. A couple of days before my wife found out we had a really nice event with her family. It seems an eternity ago that we did that, almost a different life.

Tomorrow is day 50 Things keep looking up!

 

[Sanders]

Day 50

Later check-in than usual. I try to post something in the morning (EU time zone) usually but haven't had the time all day. Yesterday was a great day, drove some family across country and met some family of my wife I'd never meet before. Driving around and seeing some beautiful sides of Finland. The weather as well is really nice so it's just like driving around in a movie! Today was good as well. We had a small grilling party at our backyard with in-laws. Still great weather and now just writing this from our back terrace.

Life is genuinly good. I'm happy. I still feel a bit low on energy sometimes but I suppose that'll get better soon Next week more sports and that should help a lot.

 

[Sanders]

Day 51

Not a great day so far after yesterday's happiness. My wife woke up from bad nightmares about me and started remembering things that I've done that hurt her a lot. I try to listen as much as I can and support, but I can't help her a lot in this. She's hurt and in pain because of me, I hope she can heal from that. It just went from bad to worse and the sleeplessness doesn't help it either.

We had some plans today together but unfortunately they're not happening now after a really difficult morning. There's only hope that it'll get a bit better soon, have to work hard for that.

Anyways another day without porn. That's pretty good!

 

[Doctor Who]

Have you thought about marriage counselling? I think you're doing great, but it appears that your wife has a lot of unresolved issues on the past, and may need some external help working through them.

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

I find the idea of Doctor who good too.. maybe there is more to it, that should be adressed.  Respect for your streak by the way,  you are an example here!

 

[Sanders]

Day 52

Yesterday ended better, after some talking we decided to still follow our plans and it was really enjoyable. Drove to the family's summer cottage, had some food and went to a pretty lake for a bit. I guess I can maybe wait a bit longer before writing here the next time something difficult happens. I used to just avoid arguments but now I need to deal with them. It's getting better, slowly

Thanks Doctor Who and Mybrainneedsreboot for the suggestions. We're both getting external help and also discussing the idea of marriage counseling. There is more to it than just the porn, especially in the beginning of our relationship I made some mistakes. This was also revealed to her at the same time as the porn addiction so therefore it's a heavier burden on her. Everything came crashing down on her in a few days but magically she still wants to try! Most days are now good, but still occasionally something pops up and I need to deal with that better than I do. It will be a long and difficult journey but it's worth it.

Life's still good, it will get even better!

 

[Sanders]

Day 53

Had a pretty good day, drove our dog to the vet for her yearly vaccinations and exercised a bit afterwards. Big surprise, I'll be going back to work on Monday after being laid-off for 3 months. My workplace indicated about 2-3 weeks ago that there was no end in sight, yet now I'll be the first in my team to go back to work. I'm excited to go back, especially to pick up my normal day-to-day life again. Good also for my finances, I got only a partial compensation of my salary over the last months.

Life will restart again, a more steady rhythm will also be helpful in my recovery. I hope that I have some renewed focus as many people experience when cutting porn out of their lives. I was often frustrated and easily annoyed at my job before, curious how that'll go now with some new projects and responsibilities

 

[Sanders]

Day 54

Easy day, didn't do too much. Called my family I won't be able to visit them since I'll be returning to work. I was looking forward to see them after such a long time but it's good to pick up my normal life again here. I'm excited to go back to work, still a bit unclear what I'll exactly do but just being back seems good. Now on the last few days of my 3-month 'vacation', life keeps changing!

 

[Sanders]

Day 55

Still going strong. No desire or need to go back to porn. That part of my life is going OK. Marriage still difficult. Something we've been discussing for some time is emotional cheating. There was a woman in my life whom I hid from my wife for some years. Often communicated with her and visited each other as 'friends' in other countries. Before I met my wife I kissed her. It's something that I've been trying to understand about myself. Why did I give her so much attention even though I wanted to be with my wife? I can genuinly say that I had no feelings for the other, however given my sold track-record of constant lying that's more difficult for my wife. Trying to work through one problem at the time, I was a real dickhead in the past.

I'm trying to grow as a person, that includes facing my past and my shortcomings. I don't want the past to control my life anymore, I want it to be a lesson for myself to reflect and understand where my behaviour started to go off the rails. The last weeks have been great and showed me a glimpse of what life can be together in the future, I just want to work to get that and become better, to become excellent

Feels good to ramble on about this, I understand that each relationship will face difficulties. However now there is just so many things that have come together at the same time which makes it a hell of a lot more difficult. I trust myself I can become who I want to be, I'm much stronger and better prepared than before.

 

[Sanders]

Day 56

Yesterday ended better than expected. Talked through quite some things and feeling quite happy and relieved about that.  We'll get there, it's a lot of work but it's worth it. Spent some time at family as well, it feels good to meet people in these times where distance is so important. We're living quite isolated due to family being in risk groups, therefore we have to be more cautious and distant unfortunately.

No porn, and happier times again

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey man,

Still going strong. No desire or need to go back to porn. That part of my life is going OK. Marriage still difficult. Something we've been discussing for some time is emotional cheating. There was a woman in my life whom I hid from my wife for some years. Often communicated with her and visited each other as 'friends' in other countries. Before I met my wife I kissed her. It's something that I've been trying to understand about myself. Why did I give her so much attention even though I wanted to be with my wife? I can genuinly say that I had no feelings for the other, however given my sold track-record of constant lying that's more difficult for my wife. Trying to work through one problem at the time, I was a real dickhead in the past.

Why do you feel negative feelings for fooling around with someone when you haven't met your wife yet? To me this seems more than human, to crave physical contact with another person.
What i don't directly read is what you've lied about. Is it the fact that you've kissed with her, or did you still have a lot of contact with her after you've met your wife? Did you visit her after you've met your wife?

I do perfectly understand the regret about lying to your wife, it is a difficult feeling to cope with. But, in the process of talking it over with eachother, please also forgive yourself. You are a human being and that means that every day you learn something new but also that you are not without fault. Being human is being flawed and to me the challenge lies in trying to be a better person with each day.
I hope that you and your wife will find common ground and that you both will forgive you Sanders. If you always look back to yourself with a judgemental eye, there is a great chance that you will always be negative towards yourself and act out of shame and not the pure will of being better.

Good luck my friend.

 

[Sanders]

Hey Shade,

Thanks for your insights and positivity. What happened was before me and my wife met, but continued about 3 years after we'd met. I met up with the other several times in other countries because she nor my wife lived in the same country as I did. I talked with her several times a week and knew that that wasn't part of a relationship that is good in my eyes. I saw it as a friend but don't really know for sure what I was looking for. If you'd see my phone you'd think I'd have a relationship with her instead of my wife then. It's stopped and haven't had contact in some years but combined with the porn I didn't really seem to have any attention and respect for my wife then. The biggest for my wife is that she's just trying to understand why I did what I did. Why did I spent so much energy and time on others? Digging a bit through all those thoughts now.

The negative self-view is something that genuinly helps me. It's not a negative view towards myself, rather towards the person that I used to be. I didn't want to look at porn, I didn't want to be a shit partner but still I did. I know what it caused and I especially know what to avoid in order to become better It's a good motivation of a life I resent.

Thanks again!

 

[kierv]

I somehow agree with Shade. Personally, I see nothing wrong in your behaviour. Friendship between men and women is always a problematic construct, but it exists. Sometimes that's an ilussion, because you lust someone implicitly, but the coin has two sides. It requires different conditions than men-to-men friendship, but it's possible. Regarding friendship, I prefer women to men if you'd ask me I like to explore women's world. So far I don't have a girlfriend, so that's the only way to do this - by friendships. The problem is that when you befriend a woman and this relation is pure and fair, you usually cannot admit that it's possible because you don't feel any desire towards her. The fioremost condition. It's not what any woman is suppossed to hear in her entire life, but this is the reality of such relation. She knows that too. My best friend is a woman. She is not beautiful enough for me, though she's a classy person. But she has a husband who makes her happy and increases her level of confidence, so she doesn't need it from other men (at least she doesn't need it as much as lonely women).

A bit of topic, but that is interesting topic

 

[Sanders]

Day 57

Later check in than usual, Had a pretty busy day so far! It's going pretty good and I'm happy about that. Feeling a bit lonely at times since I barely meet people due to the restrictions, however Monday I'll be back at work so that should be alright We have some family coming over tomorrow so that should be fun too! I'm pretty excited for work, they chose me as one of the first ones of the team to come back so that's a nice confirmation that they appreciate me. I have some renewed motivation and I'll get some good chances to prove my worth. Another happy thing is that Formula 1 is back again, something I'd been looking forward for some time already.

@Kierv, thanks for the reply. I understand it's possible but I pushed it beyond a limit and felt wrong about it already earlier. I gave it too much of my interest and energy and just trying to figure out what I was searching in that. Anyways it's getting better

 

[Sanders]

Day 58

Last day of my three month period of being laid-off. Had a family brunch at our house so we were pretty busy with that in the morning and afternoon. I've always enjoyed preparing and serving food from a young age, it's nice to organise these things. Still got some plans for the rest of the day so I'm feeling glad about that. Tomorrow is a big step into returning to my normal life again.

The number just keeps getting bigger 58 days is great and serves as proof that I can overcome this. Life can only get better.

 

[kierv]

More work means less chances to feel you need to fill your free time with porn, so your progress should be even more sensible for you

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Glad to read that things are going in the right direction for you. Spending time with family, getting back to work, almost 60 days no porn. Great job Sanders,



Stay safe!

 

[Sanders]

Day 59

First day of work is done, strange to be back again. I work at the airport so it's a really different situation there than usual. Our company still isn't active yet but we're working on some projects and preparing for the work to begin. I'm happy to be back, the day went by in such a short time, that was a really good feeling. Also, after three months of being without work it feels good to be a contributing person again. I'll be writing my journal entries in the evening instead of usual mornings, not really a fan of waking up early and forcing myself to write something. Feels better to do that in the evening when the days is over.

Thanks @Kierv and @ShadeTrenicin, your positive words are a welcome gift! I'm hoping to continue on this positive trend, life's pretty damn good.

 

[Sanders]

Day 60 (completed, I always write the day after to reflect)

Happy times, it's always nice to reach a round number. About two months now that I haven't watched porn, or masturbated to its memories. Life's been a mess since this process started but slowly it's going to a better place. It will take time to get myself in a better place for sure, it will take a lot of work and effort. What will be a more difficult path is rebuilding my marriage. It's been difficult, trust is a very large aspect that's in need of repair, however with the right motivation and focus we can live the life we've dreamed of earlier. I'd like to do a bit more reflection tomorrow on the first two months since then it'll be officially 2 months for my counting.

Work really is a great distraction. Started at nine in the morning, before I knew it it was almost 15.00. Feeling a lot more productive and useful again. Baking some pastries so the house is smelling amazing.

 

[Sanders]

Day 61

Today is really two months ago that I've stopped, it's been a strange but positive journey in which I've learned a lot. I wanted to use today to reflect on some of the things that have happened because life's been so much better. Long read, so do what you want. I like to write it out for myself to go through at some point and just revisit my recent past.

tl;dr: Life got shit because of PMO, wife found out, nearly divorced. Now we're both happier and life is damn good!

Before quiting porn my life seemed to get so dull and uninteresting. I was often frustrated at work and shared this way too often with my wife. I had no patience for people, no interest in their work or development and just turned slowly into a self-centered idiot. Luckily my work itself didn't suffer but I wasn't a good impact on the team I co-lead. I grew distant from my wife and was most often just sunk into my phone. I paid little physical attention to her and her words often went past me. I had difficulties just motivating myself to do anything. I felt tired, uninspired and maybe worthless? My porn behaviour didn't neccesarily escalate, it was just always there. I guess I'm lucky to not have developed any physical symptoms, I didn't venture into the extreme categories nor did I edge for hours. Perhaps the constant novelty of new videos and girls was what got me excited. Knowing that the behaviour was something I didn't want in my life made me just feel worse and the cycle continued. Feel shit, PMO, feel shittier. One night my wife just couldn't get the thought out of her head and asked me straight up when the last time was when I looked at porn. After a long time of hesitating and avoiding I uttered "a couple of weeks / months ago", knowing full and well that it was within some days before. I tried to hide and make it look better to just keep hiding my behaviour. Over the two weeks that followed everything got poured out and it was liberating yet incredibly hurtful to go through it and see my wife's pain. There was more behaviour of mine that shouldn't have been in our relationship, cheating and other things but that's not the focus of my post. Perhaps those things were fueled by porn.

I did everything I could to get rid of porn. Where I was earlier pretty unsuccessful in attemps to quit I went all-out on this one. I've made a list of some things that really helped me in my process:

- Involve my wife in my recovery
- Involve my parents, brothers and family in-law
- Weekly appointments with a psychologist with experience in (sex) addictions and relationship therapy
- Reached out to a church leader whom I occasionally talk with. Additionally restarted my religious life after negating it for a while
- Joined Fortify, great source of help and information
- Joined PAA, Porn Addicts Anonymous, where I also journal
- Research, research, research. Every part about porn, the industry, the messed up shit, brain impact, healing, everything
- Made one list of why I never need porn in my life, and another why I can keep hope for healing. Trying to go through these occasionally.
- Excercise, I've skipped a bit last weeks but I used to cycle 4,5 times a week for a couple of hours a day.
- As a result of corona I was most of the time at home with my wife. This was hurtful but it allowed me to see her pain and hurt, this really helped in my recovery process because I never want that for her again
- Still working on this but I try to meditate daily. I sometimes have a week straight but then forget again. I enjoy it and it makes me feel pretty good.

There must be more but these are the things that I can now list from the top of my head. Basically because I was laid-off, recovery became my full-time job. After 35 days or so my wife found it in her heart to make the decision to stay with me and fight for our future together. Since then life has been incredibly good. I see things in her that I couldn't see before, I'm much more drawn to her, I have more energy for her and it's just so much better to be with her. Even though she hasn't neccesarily changed her behaviour, I just notice everything more. I have to learn how to experience physical contact without immediately making my brain go into the sex mode. That was something I really regret, I always expected everything to lead to sex. It takes some time to rewire that part of my brain but I guess it's going alright!

In general I feel more motivated to do things. I wake up, I start reading, writing, eat breakfast, start cleaning, anything. I used to wake up and just do nothing for a while and then most likely PMO. I feel more present, more aware of the world. I'm happy and motivated just to be awake. It's strange, I was pretty depressed before. There's many things I'd like to learn and develop but I have to take it a bit easy. After three months of being laid-off my work has started so that has a priority now. Intimacy with my wife has started again and that has been much better than before. I was just useless and only searching for my own pleasure. Now we're up to 2-3 hours just having fun, it's so messed up that I rather jerked off in front of a screen than experiencing it for myself. I like writing here, I like reading other people's stories. I think of all of my efforts, Rebootnation is definitely one of the best methods of help. I hope to write here for a long time without any setbacks. As I read on someone else's post I should replace 'hope' by 'trust'. I'm in control again, it's my brains piloting this body and no longer my dick.

I'm in control, and that's great. I can do things myself and not be sucked back into a world of dissapointment. With all the help I have around me I've become a stronger person and I'm only in the beginning of this process. Thank you everyone who's participated in my journal, I really appreciate it and it helps a lot. Thanks!

Life's good. Really good!