My journal towards freedom

[Sanders]

Day 40

Everything just keeps getting better. It's unbelievable to think how stupid I really was. I had this beautiful person right in front of me that I just didn't seem to appreciate her. Life is so much better under these circumstances and I'd never want to change that for anything. Really, porn sucks. I was such an idiot for letting that take over my brains. I'm feeling alive, awake and drawn to my wife in every way. I hope this never ends.

@Emil, thanks for your reply man. I'm amazed how much of a dick it made me. To answer your questions:
1. I honestly haven't had urges. It's so strange, but I know I should be aware of them coming later. A couple days after my wife found out I showed her a porn video that I used to watch pretty often. I saw part of it, but it was just there and it went again. I've read so much about porn addiction, the harms to people and how silly it really is. Also, the shock from nearly losing my wife helped a lot I think. There's just nothing to be gained from porn, it's empty, it's trash. The more of real life I experience, the further away it becomes.
2. Yeah you're right. I don't write too much about it here but it helps a lot. I've actually started to read the bible each day. Trying to read about half an hour and just going through from start to finish. The old testamanet isn't too hopeful but there are some good lessons in there. Prayer helps and I've also taken contact with the priest from my church.

@Chris, Fortify is an app / website aimed at overcoming porn addiction. I don't mean to spam about them but I think it really helps me. You can for free try some things out and else it's like 10? a month or something. You can find them on joinfortify.com.

@Kopp, thanks as always. Life is smiling at me again

40 days. The first 30-something were shit but the last few have felt incredibly good.

 

[Sanders]

Day 41

@Letsreboot, thank you for your kind words. Progress has gone better than I could have ever expected.

Another good day. They just keep coming all the time. For those who are reading, keep pushing through because the reward is awesome. I feel more appreciative of everything around me. Earlier everything was just alright, ok, decent. Now things are great, amazing and wonderful. I feel more energy than I've had before. Simple menial tasks I used to push forward all the time I want to do straight away. Still a bit tired because I haven't been sleeping well since it's super clammy. It would have been much worse before, now it's just a bit tired but ready to do everything.

How could I not have seen what life was really like? 41 days in and it just gets better all the time.

 

[Doctor Who]

Day 41

@Letsreboot, thank you for your kind words. Progress has gone better than I could have ever expected.

Another good day. They just keep coming all the time. For those who are reading, keep pushing through because the reward is awesome. I feel more appreciative of everything around me. Earlier everything was just alright, ok, decent. Now things are great, amazing and wonderful. I feel more energy than I've had before. Simple menial tasks I used to push forward all the time I want to do straight away. Still a bit tired because I haven't been sleeping well since it's super clammy. It would have been much worse before, now it's just a bit tired but ready to do everything.

How could I not have seen what life was really like? 41 days in and it just gets better all the time.

After reading your comment in my thread, I'm really pleased to see you're still on track, and again, I find it incredible that you've taken this journey, confessed all to your wife, on the brink of separation, and you've pulled it back! You're creating a wonderful redemption story!

 

[letsreebot]

Everything just keeps getting better. It's unbelievable to think how stupid I really was. I had this beautiful person right in front of me that I just didn't seem to appreciate her. Life is so much better under these circumstances and I'd never want to change that for anything. Really, porn sucks. I was such an idiot for letting that take over my brains. I'm feeling alive, awake and drawn to my wife in every way. I hope this never ends.

Yeah, porn do suck. But really, what true options did the 13 year old Sanders had towards it? We were hooked, trapped by an ambush hard not to fall into. You were not stupid, be coutious so this kind of thinking don't turn into a self-slashing whip, or freezing guilt - seen it happening.

Anyway, I understand you are more focused on the bright side: feeling alive, awake and into your partner. Wish hardly this feeling can inebriate you from now on.

Furthermore, you were brave showing that porn clip to your wife. Think it helped? Guess being transparent is the way to go.

Keep it tight

 

[Sanders]

Day 42

Happy times. Celebrating midsummer over the weekend and being with some family. The weather is great so everyone can be outside and keep the social distance easily. Still no issues, life is good. Enjoying spending the time outside with my wife a lot, it just cheers everyone up.

@Doctor Who, thanks man. It wasn't my preferred journey but so far everything is going really well We've had some ups and downs but now continuing to stay on this positive trend. Positivity is a strong motivator, don't ever want to let this go!

@letsreboot, thanks for the encouragement. I don't see the shame or guilt as something that drags me down, I see it as a motivator to never return to the way that I was. I also work with a 12-step programme, but I have difficulties with 'being powerless over my addiction'. Getting help is so easy, there's hundreds of websites, help, and people around me that could help. It would be the same amount of clicks as opening a porn website. Yes, I couldn't stop. I should've just done something. Anyways it's about the place where I'm now which is the most important, forward in life! I don't really know if the porn thing helped, it was just recently after she found out and she's absolutely not into porn. I guess it was good to see for her that it's quite unrealistic and weird.

Alright, fun weekend ahead! Seeing people, good food, some drinks and just fun. More happy times!

 

[Sanders]

Day 43

Easy does it. Spend the day with my wife and family to celebrate. I guess my journal is getting a bit boring since not too much is happening. However that's a really good sign to me. Life is returning to as it should, no more issues or problems, just happiness.

Still going strong!

 

[letsreebot]

Not boring at all, at least for me. Reading your journal everyday refreshes my motivation and hope. Anyway, for me writing has been a daily remainder of whats on steak, can you relate?

Happy to see you relentlessly approaching the two months mark.

Keep it tight.

 

[Sanders]

Day 44

Quite a good night of rest finally after a fun day. Made my wife breakfast in bed after some intimate time. Music is now on, sun is shining, slight breeze through the window and our dog is sleeping on the bed next to me writing this. Feels great to just be here and enjoy the time together. I haven't really been exercising because I prefer to stay here nowadays, hoping to pick that up soon when my wife will be working again. Planning a small family get-together later today, everything feels a lot more meaningful than before. Earlier I guess, even though I enjoyed it, I wasn't really too much attentative. Nowadays it feels much more enjoying to be around people.

Hey letsreboot, that's a good way of looking at it! When reading back throughout my own journal I can see the difficulties faced along the way. I enjoy writing daily, it's a good exercise! I'll see how long I can keep it up but for now it's just part of my daily habits. I try to usually write something on the morning (Europe time zone) but it gets quite busy these days. Next week should be a bit more structured again.

I feel ready for another day, I used to miss that feeling often. Waking up and not having the urge or energy to get up and start doing things. Now I'm happy to start the day!

 

[Sanders]

Day 45

Not really doing the 90-day challenge but since so many people are, it kind of feels like a big day. Halfway to 90, that's progress! It just gets a bit more difficult to write a post here each day. Not that I don't want to, I just don't have too much to tell at the moment. Life's good, our relationship is getting stronger, and I still don't have any urges to go back to porn. Couple weeks ago there was so much uncertainty and doubt about future, now it's just relaxing and exciting! Next to 1,5 month witouth PMO, I'm now also two weeks without MO. Did it once though, but it was together and not alone and hiding.

 

[Chris Oz]

Wow... I'm really happy for your progress Sanders

 

[kopp]

Well done!

 

[Sanders]

Day 46

Thanks Chris and Kopp, great to receive some positive encouragement in these days

The day started off pretty well, unfortunately it got a bit more difficult later on. I've been planning to travel back to my country since I haven't seen my family in about half a year. We planned I'd go somewhere this week for some time. Initially it was to take some space in our relationship but since everything has been going really great it just turned into a family visit. The closer the day comes, the more scary it gets. We've been in an incredible tough situation for the past 1,5 month and only for a bit over a week we've had some positive times. Leaving now seems to be destroying all the progress and make the fear come back again. It just turned into an argument and my wife started feeling worse by remembering all the bad and lonely times. We'll make a decision at some point, since I'm being laid-off currently this is the only chance I get to visit for a bit. Regulations for travelling are now OK altough I'd still need to be in quarantine upon my return.

Difficult choices. I don't want to choose between my wife or my family, I just want everything to be good again. It will be! We talked a bit this morning and she mentions that she's afraid, understandable of course. We need to rebuild the trust and that's a long process, but we can do it together.

Difficult day, but life is still good. If only I stopped porn so many years ago, I guess most of us here think that.

 

[Sanders]

Day 47

The days keep on going, it's been going well for quite some time now which is nice. We had some small arguments that have been a bit upsetting to me. I want to deal with these things better but I don't really know how. I try to listen, support and do what I can but it's still difficult. I understand that arguments will happen in every relationship but I want to be able to handle those situation better. Maybe tiredness is also a factor and the fact that I'm making some major changes in my life. Hoping to be better Occasional urge to MO but still haven't given in yet.

Closing in on 50 days. A nice round number!

 

[Kraken]

Just read your journal Sanders, good stuff!  Glad you aren't sleeping outside anymore.  You are a good person, just because you got trapped by the p industry as a child doesn't make you bad.  Almost every male watches p, as we know.  We don't participate in that anymore not because we are trying to go from screwed up to normal but because we are going from normal to exceptional!  Just a different perspective, haha great work man, the first 45 days are the worst.

Squid

 

[Doctor Who]

The tiredness and of course, these changes in your lifestyle, are probably contributing to your emotions (feeling upset). Are these small arguments about anything that could escalate into something serious? Or are they about trivial things?

 

[letsreebot]

Guess you're already dealing better with the arguments since you're away from porn. Anything that numbs our feelings is just a way to escape and not deal with it. Really glad to see you approach the 50 days mark, I'll be here to cheer it with you.

Stay strong!

 

[Do or die]

Great journey. Impressive.

 

[Sanders]

Day 48

Being done with lying is something really relieving. I often felt that I needed to hide my behaviour as I'm sure many here have. I was trying to show myself as a person who'd never do anything like that, who'd never lie or betray. I guess that that's playing more against me these days. I was very judgemental and frustrated often, both in my personal and professional life. I could have done so much better, and that's the goal now. I can be better, I will be better! Tomorrow marks the day I've been on Rebootnation for a month. I'm really happy here and I enjoy reading stories and the community here. Thanks for all the replies in my journal, it's really helpful and enjoyable.

Thanks Squid, I really like that part: "We don't participate in that anymore not because we are trying to go from screwed up to normal but because we are going from normal to exceptional!". The sleeping outside was only for two days haha, seems like ages ago though. Getting hooked as a kid is more understandable, maintaining the habit for so many years is something I really regret.

Hey Doctor Who, arguments are mostly related to my past and what I've done. It's not often luckily but it takes practice to become better at handling these things I guess! I used to often just avoid arguments or even avoid decisions that could lead to arguments. I've also noticed that as long as I have enough to do I feel good. However my happiness shouldn't solely rely on external factors, I need to be able to be happy by myself and by my own actions too. The current situation where we can't really meet friends or family as before is also impacting that a lot, additionally I'm temporarily laid-off so a huge social aspect of my life is missing. That might also cause some boredom.

Thanks letsreboot and Do or Die, it's still going well and I'll be happy to soon celebrate 50 days without porn.

Another full couple of days planned from tomorrow onwards. Happy times!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Sanders

Being done with lying is something really relieving. I often felt that I needed to hide my behaviour as I'm sure many here have. I was trying to show myself as a person who'd never do anything like that, who'd never lie or betray. I guess that that's playing more against me these days. I was very judgemental and frustrated often, both in my personal and professional life. I could have done so much better, and that's the goal now. I can be better, I will be better! 

This is something that resonates with me a lot! I do recognize that feeling of freedom after not lying about it anymore!

Congratulations on your progress so far, excellent work man!

Keep going, stay safe.

I am rooting for you!

 

[Doctor Who]

Ah yes, it's the self worth and confidence issues. No question that Nofap is amplifying these. Do you get much alone time? Might be worth putting some music, sitting back, and letting your mind naturally wander. I can't meditate the traditional way of silence, and focused breathing, but I do like to let my thoughts drift as I daydream, and it helps me recognise what is causing me trouble, what works, and what I want to do. Also helps me not to care about a lot of things.

Crazy that you're on Day 48! Feels like your journey has flown by so far!