letsreebot
Member
Hey everyone. First time here, looking for an accountability partner still. Here goes my story:
I'm 22, started watching internet porn/masturbating at I guess 10, perhaps 9 or even less. Started right away with soft internet porn (seen a playboy once before, I don't really count it) in the erotic section of some flash games site. It escalated slowly as I begun to browse Yahoo videos for some short strip tease and 'clothes on' sex videos, looking for naked girl pics in google images, that sort of thing. As I used to spent much time home alone, with access to cable TV and a computer, I started watching porn on pay per view. I think that was the first big twist, first time I watched a long and truely explicit sex scene.
From there, I eventually discovered how to download porn. At that point, I was already masturbating several times a day, at least 3 every single day by age 11/12, with no control. Of course, things just got worse as I engaged in """real porn""". Even worse when I found out I didn't need to download, just play it online. At the same time, for some reason, I begun at 13 years old browsing gorish websites, stated as "bizarre" content. In those sites there were posts about fetiches, mutilation, murder, torture, and in some rare cases I masturbated to it.
Another big twist was the day I learned "edging" would make orgasm better (I was probably 13/14). From that day on, I did multi-tabing and edging daily. Same age (14) I started taking meds for depression, same age I started drinking heavily, smoking cigarettes, tried pot, got agressive towords everyone. Not long after I was already severely desensitized. Couldn't masturbate only imagining real girls from class anymore, and became very picky to the videos I liked watcing. Hardcore porn was my one and only choice. Sadly, even zoophilia aroused me by then, or anything that was truely degrading. Soon enough I hadn't spontaneous bonners, or any at all without the aid of porn. Finally, at 19, porn just didn't make me hard anymore, nothing did. That was accually the first time I realised something was off, even though I never liked any real sexual experience before, even though I never before even felt horny making out with women.
Shortly after becoming totally dysfunctional, I discovered "the great porn experiment" Ted talk by Gary Wilson. Browsed "your brain on porn", read as much as I could. That was a game changer. I stayed 100% porn free for a year or so, but kept masturbating (much less, and only after a period of abstinence). Things were really going well, for the very first time I felt truely horny with a real woman, and had pleasure making sex (and oh boy, how much better that felt than staring a computer). This first year (2017-2018) was sort of easy becouse I wasn't any responsive to porn, was taking my meds right, exercising, stoped drinking, but was compulsevely smoking weed. Thought my brain had lost interest for it. But well, if it had worked out I wouldn't be here.
Relapses happened, and I never really succesfully stopped again. When I started dating my current girlfriend (end of 2018), I meneged to keep pornless and without masturbation for some months, sex was gradually getting better. Until this one day, in witch we made sex and it was accually the best I ever had, just as good as porn. That clicked something in me, like a switch. From that day on, I never succeeded to free myself again from this cursed chain.
Now, here I am. Can't find having sex pleasurable once more and been having erectile issues again. I'm not doing that much exercise, thinking of suicide nonstop, keeping on facebook all day laying in bed. Decided it was time once more to take this seriously, and came here for some support. Downloaded a day counter app, will start to make this journal daily. Let's get to it, HERE IT GOES:
DAY 0
(English is not my mother language, feel encouraged to correct me)
I'm 22, started watching internet porn/masturbating at I guess 10, perhaps 9 or even less. Started right away with soft internet porn (seen a playboy once before, I don't really count it) in the erotic section of some flash games site. It escalated slowly as I begun to browse Yahoo videos for some short strip tease and 'clothes on' sex videos, looking for naked girl pics in google images, that sort of thing. As I used to spent much time home alone, with access to cable TV and a computer, I started watching porn on pay per view. I think that was the first big twist, first time I watched a long and truely explicit sex scene.
From there, I eventually discovered how to download porn. At that point, I was already masturbating several times a day, at least 3 every single day by age 11/12, with no control. Of course, things just got worse as I engaged in """real porn""". Even worse when I found out I didn't need to download, just play it online. At the same time, for some reason, I begun at 13 years old browsing gorish websites, stated as "bizarre" content. In those sites there were posts about fetiches, mutilation, murder, torture, and in some rare cases I masturbated to it.
Another big twist was the day I learned "edging" would make orgasm better (I was probably 13/14). From that day on, I did multi-tabing and edging daily. Same age (14) I started taking meds for depression, same age I started drinking heavily, smoking cigarettes, tried pot, got agressive towords everyone. Not long after I was already severely desensitized. Couldn't masturbate only imagining real girls from class anymore, and became very picky to the videos I liked watcing. Hardcore porn was my one and only choice. Sadly, even zoophilia aroused me by then, or anything that was truely degrading. Soon enough I hadn't spontaneous bonners, or any at all without the aid of porn. Finally, at 19, porn just didn't make me hard anymore, nothing did. That was accually the first time I realised something was off, even though I never liked any real sexual experience before, even though I never before even felt horny making out with women.
Shortly after becoming totally dysfunctional, I discovered "the great porn experiment" Ted talk by Gary Wilson. Browsed "your brain on porn", read as much as I could. That was a game changer. I stayed 100% porn free for a year or so, but kept masturbating (much less, and only after a period of abstinence). Things were really going well, for the very first time I felt truely horny with a real woman, and had pleasure making sex (and oh boy, how much better that felt than staring a computer). This first year (2017-2018) was sort of easy becouse I wasn't any responsive to porn, was taking my meds right, exercising, stoped drinking, but was compulsevely smoking weed. Thought my brain had lost interest for it. But well, if it had worked out I wouldn't be here.
Relapses happened, and I never really succesfully stopped again. When I started dating my current girlfriend (end of 2018), I meneged to keep pornless and without masturbation for some months, sex was gradually getting better. Until this one day, in witch we made sex and it was accually the best I ever had, just as good as porn. That clicked something in me, like a switch. From that day on, I never succeeded to free myself again from this cursed chain.
Now, here I am. Can't find having sex pleasurable once more and been having erectile issues again. I'm not doing that much exercise, thinking of suicide nonstop, keeping on facebook all day laying in bed. Decided it was time once more to take this seriously, and came here for some support. Downloaded a day counter app, will start to make this journal daily. Let's get to it, HERE IT GOES:
DAY 0
(English is not my mother language, feel encouraged to correct me)