Bringing it around full circle

[LetItGoAlready]

So, it's Day 64 without P or M for me today. I know that doesn't sound like much of a feat, much less a good round number, but it holds a special meaning for me personally. It's an achievement I've been chasing (and have never been quite able to grasp) for a very long time now. The last time I went this long without P was when I hit 63 days on April 8, 2014, almost 7 years ago.

Do I think there's something different about this time? Yes, I definitely do, but I'd prefer not to jinx it by "calling the shot" this early in the game. Instead, I'll just say that I've made some positive changes this year and they appear to be helping. I also moved to a new house, got a dog, got a promotion at work, and have taken up running again in my spare time, all within a fairly short timeframe.

That's not to say there isn't room for improvement. I'm still very isolated socially, and I often feel helpless to overcome that problem. But one day at a time as they say.

Be well, all.

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats, LIGA, on day 64! That is indeed quite an accomplishment!

I know how hard it is to refocus on your goals when a lapse or relapse occurs, and for you to hit this goal is indeed a milestone. And what you and I have now is experience, we know what works and what doesn't work for us.

I like the sound of all the changes you're making, they're so healthy and wholesome sounding!

 

[Nick Simons]

Hey LIGA,

So I am new-ish (day 10 for me) to RN and have been watching YBOP videos and generally reading / learning from the various forums on this website ... and I just finished binge reading your forum (which by the way are super well written - insightful, sometimes deep / meaningful, sometimes funny - but always brutally honest and "real"). 

I'll confess that there are a ton of similarities in my journey with yours - from the mini success streaks to the relapses, to the shame and exhaustion, to starting again - rinse and repeat.  That's probably what kept me reading through your posts ... and so I was thrilled to just read your latest where you are now @ 64 days!  Dude that is an amazing accomplishment - I can honestly say I have never been close to that mark so for what it's worth, it is an incredible inspiration for me. 

But I think what is even more amazing than the # of days you've achieved ... is the fact that you just won't quit!  Despite all the knocks you have taken, no matter how much shit you have had to battle against, you stay true to your goal of purity - for your wife, for your daughter, for those around you and ultimately for yourself so you can live to your fullest.  This is noble, honorable ... and I am sure one day will allow you to break through the chop experienced before breaking your proverbial "sound barrier" and onto the clear / smooth sailing that awaits on the other side. 

Thanks for your updates and I look forward to hearing more as you embrace all that is new this time around. 

 

[J01]

Hi LIGA-great to hear your report, and it was nice as well to receive your encouraging comments in my journal.  Your methods are working, and the changes you have made have put you on a solid path.  That is quite a turn around at work-from a downtime to a promotion!  Keep up the good work!  Glad to hear you are back running-take care! 

 

[joepanic]

Nice going Liga 

              Your  well on your way    perhaps you can post your top 5 tools in fighting this for the other guys still looking to learn

  Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Phineas, Jixu, Nick, and Joe - Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. It felt good to reach that milestone and to receive your support, so thank you sincerely for dropping in and giving my morale a boost!

What I'm about to say is difficult, and I wish I didn't have to say it, but I masturbated on the 7th not long after I celebrated my 64 day milestone. The urges to look at P after I M'd were quite strong but I resisted them and as of today I have not relapsed to P. The reality of what happened is still sinking in, though, because my goal had been to steer clear of both P and M for the rest of the year and I did not meet that goal. That means I've had to reset the counter on M, and I'm back to Day 2.

How did it happen? I wore myself out physically over the weekend trying to keep up with all the to-do items for the new house. With few restful moments, a longer-than-normal gap in sexual intimacy with my wife, and not enough self-care to balance out the feelings of exhaustion and depletion, I could feel myself heading towards emotional relapse. It ended with me feeling a strong desire to relieve myself physically and somehow talking myself into testing my equipment to see if it was still working. (It was working just fine of course. )

It feels a little fraudulent to have received your congrats for hitting a big milestone and to now be admitting to you that I have once again fallen for the big lie. But on the other hand, I have made it 67 days without P and counting and I'm proud of that.

Wish I had better news to report, gentlemen!

67 Days no P
2 Days no M

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey LIGA,

So I am new-ish (day 10 for me) to RN and have been watching YBOP videos and generally reading / learning from the various forums on this website ... and I just finished binge reading your forum (which by the way are super well written - insightful, sometimes deep / meaningful, sometimes funny - but always brutally honest and "real").

I'll confess that there are a ton of similarities in my journey with yours - from the mini success streaks to the relapses, to the shame and exhaustion, to starting again - rinse and repeat.  That's probably what kept me reading through your posts ... and so I was thrilled to just read your latest where you are now @ 64 days!  Dude that is an amazing accomplishment - I can honestly say I have never been close to that mark so for what it's worth, it is an incredible inspiration for me. 

But I think what is even more amazing than the # of days you've achieved ... is the fact that you just won't quit!  Despite all the knocks you have taken, no matter how much shit you have had to battle against, you stay true to your goal of purity - for your wife, for your daughter, for those around you and ultimately for yourself so you can live to your fullest.  This is noble, honorable ... and I am sure one day will allow you to break through the chop experienced before breaking your proverbial "sound barrier" and onto the clear / smooth sailing that awaits on the other side. 

Thanks for your updates and I look forward to hearing more as you embrace all that is new this time around.

Nick - I really appreciated your kind words about the struggles (and occasional accomplishments) I've shared in my journal. Thank you! You may be new-ish to RN, but I sense you have a strong commitment to overcome this habit, and I wish you much success on your reboot. Keep it up, friend. You're doing great!

 

[Phineas 808]

It feels a little fraudulent to have received your congrats for hitting a big milestone and to now be admitting to you that I have once again fallen for the big lie. But on the other hand, I have made it 67 days without P and counting and I'm proud of that.

Wish I had better news to report, gentlemen!

67 Days no P
2 Days no M

I know M is contrary to your goals, but think of how many days before this lapse? Don't forget to celebrate that!

Congrats on the 67 days, and resisting the urge to look at P.

Is it possible to just see that M as a speedbump that occurred, and just go on? How you view it will be crucial going forward.

When you say that you wished to have had better news to report, please- brother, consider that you even being on here trying is the best news and report you could give! You're serious about your reboot, and so any effort given in that direction is already a win.

Walking with you, LIGA!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Thanks, Phin! Happy to say the P urges came and went within about a day and haven't returned since. It was a wake-up call for sure, but the crisis seems to have been averted.

Is it possible to just see that M as a speedbump that occurred, and just go on? How you view it will be crucial going forward

Yeah, I guess it's all in how you frame it, isn't it? I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that this was not a full relapse but something else. Still, there's a purist/perfectionist side to my personality (which I'm sure many on this forum can relate to) that wants the days to line up perfectly. It wants the number of days clean from P and M to be the same because it's sensible and orderly and shows that I'm in control. I wanted that so badly that I was about ready to declare a full reset on P as well as M. Which led me to wonder: what end would that serve? Why is it so important to me to appear perfect and in control all the time? So what if the numbers don't match up? My goal is to reboot my brain, not to win a prize for flawless execution.

In the end, I decided to keep the P counter going and just start over with M. It's messy and I'm having kind of a hard time with that, but I guess I can live with it if I feel like I'm making progress. And if I'm being honest, I really do feel like I'm making progress this time. I don't think I've felt this much hope in all the years I've been been rebooting!

When you say that you wished to have had better news to report, please- brother, consider that you even being on here trying is the best news and report you could give! You're serious about your reboot, and so any effort given in that direction is already a win.

I can't tell you how much that means to me right now. I've been a little down since my last post, but this definitely helped put things back in perspective. Much appreciated, friend!

69 days no P
4 days no M

 

[Phineas 808]

Definitely, LIGA!

Back in March of 2015, I had hit 120 days (as was my goal). But around day 75, I had began looking at P-Subs, and edging. It was severe enough to jack with my reboot/recovery, and though I made it, I didn't feel very good about it, or that I had finished strong.

For my part, I think my little compromises were severe enough that I even justified it, saying, Well, at least I didn't see nudity... Which means I must've actually visited a P site, or something....

That's why this time I had to have a reboot that I felt confident about. But it was by no means perfect, or a straight line. I did have minimal struggles with P-Subs and a little edging, but they were more episodic than anything.

What was the difference for me this time compared to last time?

I think it was that my struggles were more episodic versus being a series of compromises seeing how close I could get to the porn-pit. And I would even end my post with no fault. This was just to tell myself that I had not violated my overall goals, despite a moment of obsession.

I hope that makes sense. In your case, perhaps you could apply it, like, was my M a part of a series of compromises that undermine the integrity of what I'm aiming for (and it sounds like it wasn't)? Or simply a thing that happened in the moment, for whatever reason, and therefore more episodic? If the latter, simply dismiss it.

I think I even said in one of my posts, that dismissing urges also includes sometimes dismissing certain behaviors that we perhaps engaged in that led up to the urges...

Hope this was helpful, lol...!