Bringing it around full circle

[LetItGoAlready]

Yes, urges can seem relentless at times, even 'life-or-death' in their demands, and this may feel uncomfortable.

That's a good motivator! Rooting for your success as you let these urges pass on by!

Thanks, Phineas. You've stood by me and offered your support many times as I've been struggling, and I really appreciate that. Unfortunately, on Wednesday and Friday night, I fell again for the lie that P would bring comfort to my unquiet mind. This time I binged hard. Can't say I was surprised by that. I saw it coming. Perhaps in some twisted way, though, it was exactly what I needed, because yesterday I downloaded 5 or 6 different books on porn addiction recovery to my Kindle and have spent the last couple of days drinking in lots of wisdom.

For now, I believe this is where I need to focus my attention. I've also committed to making a few changes in my environment, which I think will help with managing some of the triggers that I seem to have a hard time resisting. They're small changes, but everything helps.

I'll continue to check in and provide encouragement to others on RN, so this isn't goodbye by any means.

Take care, all.

 

[J01]

Hope the changes you came up with can give you a boost-stay with it and keep adjusting as necessary.  A small change in the right direction is beneficial.  Let's keep going and focus on today and tomorrow!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Unfortunately, on Wednesday and Friday night, I fell again for the lie that P would bring comfort to my unquiet mind. This time I binged hard. Can't say I was surprised by that. I saw it coming. Perhaps in some twisted way, though, it was exactly what I needed, because yesterday I downloaded 5 or 6 different books on porn addiction recovery to my Kindle and have spent the last couple of days drinking in lots of wisdom.

I feel frustrated for you, LIGA. Hard to know what to say in these instances. Easy to offer platitudes. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to resist. I can imagine you felt A LOT of discomfort before you went back out there. You saw it coming, like I could usually see my relapses coming.... but we didn't stop ourselves. There could be something missing in your approach, right? I don't buy the logic that relapsing to P could be beneficial to your fight against relapsing to P, but hopefully all that reading will unlock something that makes the big difference next time. Wishing you strength, LIGA. I feel for you. Congrats on coming back and re-committing yourself to the fight.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thanks, Phineas. You've stood by me and offered your support many times as I've been struggling, and I really appreciate that.

Definitely! I'm here for you, as well as for myself. Any way I can be of help, limited as it may be, just ask...

Unfortunately, on Wednesday and Friday night, I fell again for the lie that P would bring comfort to my unquiet mind. This time I binged hard. Can't say I was surprised by that. I saw it coming. Perhaps in some twisted way, though, it was exactly what I needed, because yesterday I downloaded 5 or 6 different books on porn addiction recovery to my Kindle and have spent the last couple of days drinking in lots of wisdom.

This moment is critical, not because it was anything in itself, but based on what you do with this moment. Count all the days prior to this lapse, all the quiet days away from lapsing, and know that you've been 'free' or 'clean' for X-amount of days! Celebrate that!

As long as you know that the response to these urges came from within yourself, and are not to be blamed on external or environmental factors, the sooner you will bounce back! True, the cues and urges are external (or internal, like emotional), but you have the power to choose- don't ever let porn take that away from you, because that's not possible anyway.

This isn't a time for getting down on yourself, nor even for self-judgment. We know very well enough what led us here, and now we go forward with the lessons this moment taught us.

Grateful for your loads of information on overcoming this, because you never know which gem of wisdom will be key in unlocking an unseen or hidden area, or help to bring it all together, the years of experience and knowledge you've gained so far.

For now, I believe this is where I need to focus my attention. I've also committed to making a few changes in my environment, which I think will help with managing some of the triggers that I seem to have a hard time resisting. They're small changes, but everything helps.

Just as in real warfare, shifting your battle strategy on an as needed basis is crucial in outsmarting the enemy (the habituated lower brain).

Good on addressing the environmental factors. In a 'catch-22' type of way, it's these little changes to our surrounding habits that help throw off the major unwanted habit. In doing so, think in a way that says, "No. These outward things, the things in my environment don't have power over me, but I'm just applying the science of habit change, and outsmarting my 'animal-brain'." That's all it is, brother.

I understand your new and needed focus, but I hope you come by more or less often to 'stand with a brother', as we walk this out together.

Be well, Liga.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Thanks to all of you for your support! I made it two weeks this time before relapsing, but in hindsight it was not a solid two weeks at all. I've had solid stretches of success before, and this seemed fraught and insincere from the beginning.  To your point, WIP, it's not necessary to take one for the team in order to change one's habits, and depending on that as a long-term strategy for success is, well, deeply flawed. Perhaps I misspoke by saying that it's what I needed to do. What I should have said is that it was an opportunity to try something different, though certainly I could have taken advantage of that opportunity while staying clean - and should have.

Phineas and Jixu - Thanks for your encouragement to stay with it and adjust my plan as needed. Indeed, Phin, the urge is within me, and that's where I need to train my focus. Right now, the focus for me is emotional self-awareness. Currently reading a book called Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci, which connects deeply-rooted subconscious emotional triggers from early childhood with addictive sexual behavior. He posits that few PAs have an understanding of their emotions such as where they come from and the role they play in acting out. (I can certainly say that's a blind spot for me!) My guess is this is probably a challenging subject matter for many of us because we consider it "unmanly" to admit to emotional weakness, let alone to having any emotions at all. But that's where I'm stuck, friends, and where I need to get a lot smarter.

Be well, all.

 

[Phineas 808]

Liga, it takes a lot of courage to admit that it was not a solid two weeks, but fraught with compromises.

I know what this place is, and I spent a lot of time there. This is what I mean by having this beast kept alive in some dark ICU ward, on the drip-feed of p-subs and edging.

It?s not easy, but such honesty yields for us a cleaner and more honest reboot or recovery.

We deserve no less.

To your point about emotions: sometimes it?s just the habit, sometimes it?s just physiology, but sometimes there?s an emotional component. As you said, this is so important to recognize in ourselves when it?s there, and why it?s there.

For me, it was always the pretty woman, the lady of the night, or even a discarded porno mag found on the street that was ?there for me? at the most down times of my life, as a savior of sorts.

I know that comes up for me time-to-time.

Wishing you strength for the journey.

 

[J01]

Happy New Year bro! 

 

[TheNorman]

Hope you're hanging in and finding strength. Joel posted on his thread about labelling emotions as you have them and I am going to try that as well. Seems like a good way to keep things in the crosshairs of awareness.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Happy belated New Year! Thanks Phineas, Jixu, and Norm for the support while I was away. I don't think I would have even bothered coming back had I not done some serious soul-searching and proved to myself that it was possible to experience even a hint of success. As of today, I'm 30 days free of this habit, and it's my goal to finish the year off strong without once lapsing to P or M.

I've made a few changes. I'm back in therapy, which I began in the first week of January. With the help of a therapist I've been exploring the role that traumatic/negative events and the resultant feelings have had in feeding this addiction. It's too soon to say if this approach will yield dramatic results, but it does seem to be helping. I've also made some modest behavioral changes. Nothing over the top. Just a few tweaks to my evening routine and a renewed focus on self-care. I may make other changes too as time allows, but I'm trying to avoid taking on too much at once.

All in all, I have enormous hope that this will be the year that I become the person I was meant to be, free at last of the prison of doubt that has kept me from believing in myself for so long. It's my sincere wish that all of my RN brothers can experience this freedom, too, no matter where you are on this journey.

Be well, my friends!

 

[Phineas 808]

Welcome back, Liga!

Wishing you well on your new found freedom, and success on exploring therapy!

I've also made some modest behavioral changes. Nothing over the top. Just a few tweaks to my evening routine and a renewed focus on self-care. I may make other changes too as time allows, but I'm trying to avoid taking on too much at once.

It's often these small little tweaks to our routine that help to throw off the more unwanted habits. If it's easy to fall into the grooves of a well worn path, creating behavior patterns more productive and healthier, is ideal.

Great to see you, by the way! 

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Thanks, Phineas! I finally completed my list of goals for the year. Some of the goals relate to PA but the majority are focused on creating a more balanced life with special emphasis on self-care, family, career, adventure/travel, and creativity. When I'm not checking in here (which I will be doing periodically as time allows), this is where much of my energy will be going.

All continues to be well on the recovery front. Best wishes to all!

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Good news! Keep it up, friend!

 

[Phineas 808]

Sounds like an exciting list, Liga!

When I saw 'adventure/travel' it reminded me of Anthony Robbins, !

Best wishes!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Appreciate the support, Phineas and BB!

This week I've been working on updating my accountability and action plan, a document I started a few months back when I was having trouble gaining traction in recovery. The latest update redefines those "middle circle" behaviors for which I need to seek accountability and also the actions I need to take immediately after a slip to those behaviors. The behaviors I'm targeting here are upstream of porn and masturbation. They're those little things I do that signal a return to unhealthy, well-trodden patterns. Behaviors that, if left unchecked, could lead to acting out with P or M.

Fortunately, I haven't found myself slipping towards those behaviors at all lately, so that's good. My weekly therapy appointments are also helping me to tackle some deeper issues, and I continue to chip away at my goals for the year. All and all, I feel hopeful and humbly grateful for the progress I've made so far.

Be well, everyone!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job on staying focused, and working out an accountability and action plan, one that deals with 'middle-circle' activities.

Is there an intent to share that plan here? If not, that's okay, too. In addition to RN, I also keep a hard journal- and lately, it's not filled with P/MO related news...!

Strength for your journey!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Phineas -

Good job on staying focused, and working out an accountability and action plan, one that deals with 'middle-circle' activities.

Is there an intent to share that plan here? If not, that's okay, too.

Thanks! I've always appreciated your posts offering support and encouragement. Although I'm on here less these days, I'm no less grateful for the helpful responses I get from you and others who visit my journal from time to time.

Without going into a lot of detail about the specific behaviors I'm holding myself accountable for, the accountability part of the plan is a derivative of SAA's "three circles" of sexual sobriety, but instead of circles I've defined three levels of behavior, all of which I feel belong in the middle circle as SAA defines it. Per SAA, middle circle behaviors are "behaviors which if not addressed will eventually lead us back to our inner circle," the behaviors we define as a lapse in our sobriety (P, M, etc.). So, all I've done is further subdivide the middle circle into three categories, from the more benign behaviors that need to be approached with caution (e.g., staying up late while on my computer) to the much more risky behaviors that need to be recognized as an immediate threat to my sobriety and dealt with accordingly (e.g., typing a provocative term into a search engine). It's really just a blueprint for maintaining awareness of my behavior, and it helps me decide when I need to reach out for help and/or take action.

The action part of the plan is for dealing with the more risky Level 3 behaviors. Basically, if it's reached that level, I'm straying into dangerous territory and need to do something about it. The first actionable step is to assess the situation and guide myself back to safety. The second step is to assess what the underlying feelings and/or emotions are that led to me being in that situation in the first place and then taking further actions to address them - meditating, getting exercise, connecting with my wife, etc.

I can't say whether having a written-out plan like this will work for everyone, but I will say that, for me, not having a plan only allowed me to exploit mental loopholes and willfully ignore what I was doing so that I could keep my options open.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

As a follow up to my last post, I'll just say that I'm no longer a man that wishes to keep his options open. I'm now focused on a life of clean living and becoming the man I was meant to be. Unfortunately that is taking some of my energy away from participating on this forum, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. I do wish everyone here well. Take care, brothers!

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you for the added explanations, LIGA!

Self-awareness is always a good thing.

Wishing you well on your journey.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Wishing you well on your journey.

Phineas - Thanks for the well-wishes. My journey of late has been an interesting one but I remain as dedicated as ever to leaving this habit behind for good.

We moved into a new house over the weekend. It was a major stress test the likes of which I haven't experienced in a while. After spending a full day (and part of an evening) moving out of the old place and into the new one, I felt physically and mentally exhausted.  I still feel a little out of balance today and have been doing just enough to get by at work while also trying to get my home life in some kind of order.

Had I moved even a few months ago, I don't know that I would have made it through the experience with my sobriety intact. But these days I'm in a different place and generally feel good about things on the recovery front.

I appreciate you dropping in as always, my friend. You're blazing a great trail for the rest of us to follow!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job, LIGA on the move!

Because we're no longer insulating ourselves from the raw emotions and stresses of life, we feel them more. But, just as in moving itself, more and more, we transition into the person we want to be.

Even as you leave your old house behind, so we can leave our old life behind.

Looking forward to new things.