Bringing it around full circle

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 1. It's taken me 11 days to right the ship since my last relapse. Just another tragic reminder of how much I give up when I decide to give in.

This time I came up with a plan. And the plan is pretty simple: If I ever find myself in a situation where I'm "edging" towards relapse, rather than keeping it to myself and allowing it to fester in secret, I'm just going to come here and let everyone know that I'm struggling.

What I realized is that I'm not doing myself any favors when I allow myself to cross the line with other seemingly more benign behaviors but have no accountability. Take objectifying, for example, which is something I find myself doing often whenever I'm out in public. Every time I do it, I know that I'm playing with fire, yet I allow myself to do it anyway. Why? Because it's a "back door" that I've kept open simply by not being accountable.  I tell myself "Well, it's not porn, so there's no harm in looking." But here's the thing: It is porn. I mean, it's not porn to my rational brain, but to my dopamine receptors, it's porn. So I need to be accountable.

Anyway, I hope to change all that by choosing to come clean in that moment rather than waiting until a day, or three days, or a week later when I finally decide to act out to porn. Too early to tell if this is going to be the big break in my recovery that will propel me into new, uncharted days-clean territory, but as always, I remain hopeful.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi 3rdprecept.

The thing that I learned about relapse in Narcotics Anonymous is that hard drugs can and will kill you. Most addicts in NA at their lowest hoped to OD and die, but as long as there is breath there is hope.

Thanks for dropping in on my journal. I think there is a perception that the stakes are not as high with PMO addiction as with other addictions. But most of us have given up a lot to shame, secrecy, and isolation. For some people, it has cost them their marriage, their job, friendships, relationships... the list goes on. It may not take away your breath, but it can sure as hell take away all of the joy in your life and everything you care about.

Don't lose hope. The journey ahead is hard but not impossible. This is a great place to learn, share your struggles, and be supported by other people who are trying to heal themselves and move on from this addiction.

Good luck to you, friend.

 

[Andrew1973]

Anyway, I hope to change all that by choosing to come clean in that moment rather than waiting until a day, or three days, or a week later when I finally decide to act out to porn. Too early to tell if this is going to be the big break in my recovery that will propel me into new, uncharted days-clean territory, but as always, I remain hopeful.

I think this is a great step LIGA. It's like the decision about when to call the fire brigade - a) when you first notice the flames in your kitchen, or b) when you are surveying the smoking embers of your house!
Really glad you're back in the game, and have got a clear improvement to your plan.
Cheers my friend,
UKG

 

[3rdprecept]

Hello LetItGo.

I'm finding it very helpful to post on other's journals. I'm still figuring out how to navigate and review posts.

Speaking personally about relapse and recovery.  The withdraws involved with PMO is just as brutal and the disease is so insidious that relapse I find is much harder to resist.  I have 6 days and I'm committed to making this change and know that it is only by taking things one day at a time and moment by moment that I can heal and see my brain chemistry change.

I don't want to slip and unleash the beast because a know a binge and losing control is inevitable.  For me right now it might not be life or death for fear of and OD on narcotics....but it is life or death in terms of living free from the obsessive death grip of PMO and being free of the reward circuit malfunction that goes with it. 

Everyday the support from all of you is critical to our mutual success.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

UKGuy - Thanks. It's good to be back journaling again. I kind of fell into a funk there for awhile, because I realized that there was a gaping hole in my defense, a hole that I had given myself permission to ignore. The fact that I've been doing things in secret and not making myself accountable has made me vulnerable to bargaining and minimizing. Bargaining with my conscience that what I was doing was okay because it wasn't P, M, or O, and minimizing the effect that it was having on me. My hope is that by daylighting some of these behaviors, I can stop this cycle of self-dealing and deception because they will no longer be secrets. Also, to use your analogy, it will save me the trouble of having to rebuild the whole house because I've allowed the fire to burn out of control. I have to admit, rebuilding every couple of months is starting to feel pretty tedious.

3rd - I appreciate your support and wish you continuing success at keeping "the beast" at bay. If the beast tries to sell you a quick fix in exchange for its freedom (and it will try everything, believe me), don't take the deal. I say this as one who just took that deal and lost 11 days to a series of binges and half-hearted reboots. It's definitely not worth it.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 3. I meant to check in yesterday, but there was a weird glitch with the website last night, so I decided to skip it and pack it in early instead. In keeping with my new approach of daylighting suspect non-PMO behaviors, I have three recent behaviors that I'd like to expose.

First, I stayed up later than I should have on Monday night. I consider this to be a Level 1 infraction because whether or not it's an issue is very much dependent on what I'm doing and my frame of mind. Under some circumstances, it's okay, but under others, like, when I'm feeling triggered for example, it isn't. Fortunately, this time around, it wasn't a big deal because I was on RN reading other people's journals and was not feeling at all triggered. On the other hand, it could have been a big deal if my frame of mind had changed, which isn't out of the realm of possibility when I'm up late and everyone else has gone to sleep. That's why I think it's probably best that I don't get into the habit of staying up late unless it's absolutely necessary. Why tempt fate?

The second behavior I'd like to out is not really an infraction at all because it was mostly involuntary. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday from an erotic dream and in my half conscious state continued to fantasize. I wasn't really aware that I was fantasizing at first, but as soon as I was, I stopped chasing the thoughts and shifted my attention to something else. The episode ended there.

Finally, my eyes wandered a bit when I was out in public today, but I was really trying not to objectify the women I was looking it.  I'd give myself a B- for effort, so there's room for improvement, but it was not my worst performance in light of recent events.

 

[TheNorman]

You gave yourself a B- for effort on the ogling but overall your post gets an A for self-awareness. Mindfulness is key to exposing weaknesses and you are picking up on them which is huge! Keep it up LIGA!

 

[3rdprecept]

So good to hear your self reflection and awareness of triggers and slippery ground.  So much I can identify with here from dreams to wandering eyes launching into fantasy/obsession.

This path is littered with mental landmines. Stay positive.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

You gave yourself a B- for effort on the ogling but overall your post gets an A for self-awareness.

Norm - You're a generous grader, sir, but I'll take it. Thank you!

So much I can identify with here from dreams to wandering eyes launching into fantasy/obsession.

3rd -  I guess it's all novel stimuli to the brain. It will use any weakness to its advantage...even when we're sleeping. Tricky bugger!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 4. More erotic dreams again last night, which left me feeling unsettled this morning, but I don't think I crossed any lines. Otherwise, I'm happy to report a better day in terms of keeping my lustful urges in check. I'm hoping that trend will continue as I coast into the weekend.

Be well, all.

 

[Joel]

Agh, those dreams are the worst. Thanks a lot, sub conscious! I was having a few myself the last few nights but I think they've faded off. Sounds like you dealt with them well. Great work daylighting suspect behaviors - I do that myself and it's really powerful!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Agh, those dreams are the worst. Thanks a lot, sub conscious! I was having a few myself the last few nights but I think they've faded off. Sounds like you dealt with them well. Great work daylighting suspect behaviors - I do that myself and it's really powerful!

Joel - Haha! They sure are. And to make matters worse, they sometime involve a current or past work associate or a mutual friend, which when I awake leaves me feeling not only triggered by the experience but with the sinking feeling that I've committed the ultimate betrayal of my wife. Kind of a dick move by my brain if you ask me, but I guess it keeps me on my toes.

With re: to daylighting, I usually put sexual dreams in the category of optional, since I can't really help that I'm having them. They do occasionally mess with my mood, though, and on rare occasions they have triggered some pretty intense fantasies, so I know I have to stay a step or two ahead of those situations.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 1. This past couple of weeks has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, with the most recent dip occurring last night when I had some alone time with my wife, felt triggered afterwards, and then acted out by M'ing. P was not part of the equation, but that doesn't matter. P or M are both unacceptable in my book, so I'm turning the counter back to the start.

If anything good came out of this experience it's that I was able to think about the plan I've just developed and identify some of its weaknesses. One weakness is that I didn't specify a particular timeframe for holding myself accountable if I behaved in a way that crossed a line. Take yesterday: Even before the events of last night unfolded, there were a couple of behaviors involving objectification that definitely crossed the line. I call these "Level 3" behaviors because I consider them to be at high-risk for triggering an immediate or eventual relapse. I kept telling myself I would sign on to RN at some point to daylight these behaviors, but I ran out of time and decided I'd do it the next day.

With the gift of hindsight, I can now see that I was giving myself permission to come clean at my convenience, which depending on my motivation, can mean the difference between heading a behavior off at the pass before it's too late or allowing it to go the distance and possibly relapsing. So, as of this morning, I am committed to being accountable for Level 3 behaviors as soon as possible and for Level 2 (medium-risk) behaviors within 12 hours. I've made accountability for Level 1 behaviors optional because I consider them to be low risk.

This morning I am alone in the house, which is a rarity these days, but I'm not feeling triggered. If anything changes in that regard, I'll be sure to reach out.

Be well, all.

 

[Joel]

Good work on the accountability. Can totally empathize with wanting to leave M'ing behind for good. The plan and systems sound great, stay accountable!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Good work on the accountability. Can totally empathize with wanting to leave M'ing behind for good. The plan and systems sound great, stay accountable!

Thanks, Joel. It's amazing to me how long I've been allowing things to go to shit and waiting until after the fact to report a complete breakdown of the system. As I see it, a change of plans has been long overdue.

It's Day 2 and I'm pleased to report that I have not carried out any edging behaviors today that need reporting. However, it has been a long day, so I think I'm going to pack it in tonight and come back here fresh tomorrow.

Be well, everyone!

 

[3rdprecept]

Awareness of behaviors and my intentions behind them makes a huge difference in the quality of my life.  I find that in any given moment I have countless thoughts and motivations.  Recognizing the space between thought and compulsive action is where recovery begins for me.

I also have learned (through so much suffering) to withhold judgement toward myself for any particular thought.  In the past I would get very upset with myself for "thinking" a thought only to realize that just deepens the attachment to the thought and the process of behavior. Now I try to suspend judgement and any negative self-assessment that comes from a thought and just simply recognize it's temporary arising and passing away. 

So much of our thoughts and what goes on in my mind is an illusion that causes me pain. If I'm not careful the natural nagativity bias that my mind opperates on can quickly manufacture a harsh and painful world for me to live in.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Recognizing the space between thought and compulsive action is where recovery begins for me.

Hi 3rd - Really appreciate your ideas here on how you are tackling your "countless thoughts and motivations." I guess, by calling attention to my thoughts in a very public way, this is my attempt to give myself more space between thought and action. I don't trust myself anymore to just deal with these thoughts in my usual secretive way given my track record. Perhaps some day, with a little more distance between myself and P, I will win back my own trust. But for right now, as you've said, I'm just focusing on getting through things one day at a time, one moment at time.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 3. Work has been piling up this week, and so is the stress. Can't say that I've been great about working it out through exercise, but I've at least steered clear of triggers and triggering behaviors. This will be the third straight day of not giving into anything reportable. Now I'm looking forward to a day off on Friday and spending some quality time with my daughter. That will be my reward for good behavior.

 

[J01]

Good job on dealing with the work stress-handled incorrectly and it is back to faptropolis!  Hope you enjoy the upcoming Friday.  A day off and spending time with a kid-sounds nice, very nice.  Stay engaged and keep vigilant!

 

[3rdprecept]

I'm on Day 4 and I can identify with the struggles with work LIGA.

I'm happy to hear about your planned day of and time with your daughter.  I hope you have a great time and it helps you to rebalance the joy and contentment that has been in short supply for us all in an early reboot process.

I'm cheering you on from the sidelines and right there with every step of the way.