Time to quit....again

[ntg2978]

Thanks guys for your encouragement.

Unfortunately, I did not hold out, and did relapse; but I'm not devastated, because I know I held out for a while past what I even thought I could.

I know for a fact that stress and adrenaline are some of my triggers.

I also know that restlessness is a huge trigger for me; it's like I am exhausted, but I'm not physically tired, or maybe my mind is just too wired, but it's very difficult for me to unwind.

I've tried using mindfulness in these situations, and they helped, but the pull towards P was still just constant and incessant, so it's like I finally gave in due to weakness.

Back to day 1, but with more distinctions that I know will help make me better even now.

 

[ntg2978]

Day 1:

Today has been good; have gotten a lot of organizational stuff done, which is something I've needed to do for a long time now.

It's nice to just be able to relax and not have all these things just straining on my mind.  I had not seen my daughter for 6 weeks, due to a false claim on my ex's part, and thus had investigations on-going with my local PD, CPS, and other shit.

That is now all resolved, and now I'm counter-suing my ex for false allegations.

Hopefully things begin to slow down quite a bit now.  Today it's been so nice to do absolutely nothing (in regards to being outside my place).  Today has been a good break from the constant stress that's been on my shoulders for a while.

Hoping everyone else is having a good day.

 

[TheNorman]

Man that sounds like some serious bullshit from your ex. Hopefully the truth comes out!

 

[ntg2978]

Man that sounds like some serious bullshit from your ex. Hopefully the truth comes out!

Thanks Norman, I am hoping so, too.  Part of my frustration is that it seems that women hold all the cards in the judicial system today.  Men are often guilty until proven innocent in the court's eyes, and it becomes draining to fight yet another battle where I'm completely innocent, and yet I'm considered to be guilty.

Day 2:

Well, I started today off well, but it went downhill fast.  I did not PMO and I did not even look at P, but I've spent all day watching various vids on YouTube, just because I found myself to be bored out of my mind.  I started the day off with the rationalization that I deserved a break and to not do anything and to just veg, because of all the shit I've been through over the last few weeks.

Well, spent a lot of today just looking at useless shit that is just a waste of time and does no good for helping me abstain from P usage....not my finest hour for sure.

So, I'm recommitting again.  To be honest with you all, I don't even know why I'm trying to stay away from PMO at this point.  My brain is that exhausted that it's like I know I need to, but it's like nothing seems real....that probably makes no sense, but that's really what I'm feeling at the moment.

At any rate, I know PMO is not a logical thing; I know I'm drawn to P or any other thing I use to self-medicate, as a means to an end.  Whether it's because I am filled with hormones and want a release, and yet don't have a gf at the moment, so it's frustrating for me; or if ti's because of stress or emotional pain, or whatever, I know it's really because I'm using it to run away from something, to not face something, to not deal with something, or to escape to a more pleasing reality than the one I current find myself in.

I believe women also do this; women buy books such as the 50 shades of grey, in order to escape their mundane reality and feel like they are actually living in an exciting life.  I think men do the same thing with P; I think that's why romance novels are just as addictive as P.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling a little bit; my mind is all over the place I suppose.  I'm hoping you all are having a better time than I am at the moment.

 

[ntg2978]

Well, I gave in again last night, and so I'm back at day 1 again.  I don't really feel like typing a lot right now, so I'll keep it short and sweet.

Using my affirmations is helping me at this point; sometimes I feel like I'm lost at sea and don't even know what direction to head in.  Using affirmations helps me keep contact with what is important to me, and make sure I'm remembering the most important stuff and not just getting totally lost.

I know that working out really helps me stay grounded in reality and not escape to the virtual world.  Lately, I've been unable to workout how I normally would because of a shoe issue; I've ordered some and they will be here in a few days, so that will help I'm sure.  Also going to get back into my ladders routines and get myself moving again.

There has been some stress regarding my daughter, which is on-going because of my living situation, but I'm dealing with it all the best I can.

That's all for now.

 

[Andrew1973]

Well done for getting straight back on here and sharing ntg.

I can see that you do a lot of self improvement reading (been checking out your recommendations on Amazon before I got to your most recent post..some good ones there). I can also see that you tube and other on line entertainment is a factor in your relaxation and escapism - and you correctly identify that this has a direct link back to PMO.

Exercise is great, but for obvious reasons we can't do it all day!

I just wonder has reading fiction ever played a role in your relaxation? It's clean (providing you choose the right genre!), enriches the mind, and provides that escape form boredom and life's hassles in a way that doesn't take you straight back down the rabbit hole of P.

Although some might view them as a bit trashy (my wife certainly does), I like to read the Jack Reacher books or sometimes John Grisham, and I can't recall a time when I ever PMOd whilst in the middle of one of those.

Perhaps better to find something you'd prefer to do rather than putting blocks and bans in place on the alternative (you tube), but if it is a weakness, it's worth trying to eliminate it somehow.

Anyway, be kind to yourself and know that we're here rooting for you.