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Deleted member 17609
Guest
Happy birthday, friend! You are off to a good start for this new decade. Have a good one!
The Final Cut
- Thread starter Conan
- Start date
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Happy birthday. Good. I think for full recovery it will take a while longer. But it is awesome to see results. In my view seeing results helps a lot with motivation. Keep it up.
EW
EW
Conan
Member
DAY 82
My morning wood has become sparse lately, the last one I woken up to was 5 days ago and that one lasted for almost 10 minutes. However I still wake up several times every night to night woods, and those have been consistent, every night, and it does feel like they are getting slightly harder. Really have no idea why my night woods are regular every night but morning woods I get only occasionally when they are the same thing. Could be because I wake up to an alarm and I just miss that sweet spot during sleep that I wouldn't miss during the night. Also I've been a little stressed out because of work and some other responsibilities lately so I guess that can have an affect as well. Still despite the stress I handle things rationally and have no urge to go back to pmo. I do have urge for sex though, my partner is not currently available and for the past several days whenever I would get an urge it would be to have sex with her. I'm still not horny 24/7 but I wouldn't call this flatline either, desire for sex is there it's just much much easier to control than porn cravings. In a week I'll hit that famous 90 days mark, of course I didn't expect to be cured by that time but I also didn't expect to see this many improvements either, and that gives me ( and hopefully you) motivation to keep going. Again, hard mode is the only way to go, with only orgasms being from wet dreams (can't control those) and sex (needed for rewiering).
My morning wood has become sparse lately, the last one I woken up to was 5 days ago and that one lasted for almost 10 minutes. However I still wake up several times every night to night woods, and those have been consistent, every night, and it does feel like they are getting slightly harder. Really have no idea why my night woods are regular every night but morning woods I get only occasionally when they are the same thing. Could be because I wake up to an alarm and I just miss that sweet spot during sleep that I wouldn't miss during the night. Also I've been a little stressed out because of work and some other responsibilities lately so I guess that can have an affect as well. Still despite the stress I handle things rationally and have no urge to go back to pmo. I do have urge for sex though, my partner is not currently available and for the past several days whenever I would get an urge it would be to have sex with her. I'm still not horny 24/7 but I wouldn't call this flatline either, desire for sex is there it's just much much easier to control than porn cravings. In a week I'll hit that famous 90 days mark, of course I didn't expect to be cured by that time but I also didn't expect to see this many improvements either, and that gives me ( and hopefully you) motivation to keep going. Again, hard mode is the only way to go, with only orgasms being from wet dreams (can't control those) and sex (needed for rewiering).
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Always nice to hear about your progress. I think you are doing very well, Conan.
I would not worry too much about morning wood. I too have night erections more often than MW. And I have read many recovery accounts of guys who got MW back on a regular basis after 6 months or more of rebooting. So what you are describing looks very normal to me.
Keep going, man. You are doing serious progress, really happy for you.
I would not worry too much about morning wood. I too have night erections more often than MW. And I have read many recovery accounts of guys who got MW back on a regular basis after 6 months or more of rebooting. So what you are describing looks very normal to me.
Keep going, man. You are doing serious progress, really happy for you.
beautywaytraveler
Member
With regards to morning wood, I think that that should not be the focus, or the driving factor in a reboot (that's just how I read your last post, if I'm wrong I apologize). The focus is rewiring, and the morning wood will just be "icing on the cake" if you will. Awesome job on the progress!
EarthWalker
Respected Member
90 is a nice number. But I think for us with 10=20+ years of PMO experience. I think 150 and 270 days are number with higher probablity of recovery than 90 days.
Keep it up.
EW
Keep it up.
EW
Conan
Member
DAY 83
Defenetly not imagining things, my nocturnal erections are harder than before. Had a few last night that were really hard, 85% I'd say. Can't really test them much because I just go back to sleep immediately after, but for those few moment that i can touch them they are definitely stronger then they were before. Hopefully soon I'll wake to a full one.
Defenetly not imagining things, my nocturnal erections are harder than before. Had a few last night that were really hard, 85% I'd say. Can't really test them much because I just go back to sleep immediately after, but for those few moment that i can touch them they are definitely stronger then they were before. Hopefully soon I'll wake to a full one.
Conan
Member
DAY 87
I've been under huge stress rately, and it shows. I have trouble sleeping, I feel down most of the time and my nocturnal erections have disappeared completely, for 2 or 3 days I didn't have any, though my sleep pattern now is such that it's no wonder. The stress has nothing to do with PMO but it keeps flatlining me. Though I doubt even a healthy man would be horny under these circumstances.
I've been under huge stress rately, and it shows. I have trouble sleeping, I feel down most of the time and my nocturnal erections have disappeared completely, for 2 or 3 days I didn't have any, though my sleep pattern now is such that it's no wonder. The stress has nothing to do with PMO but it keeps flatlining me. Though I doubt even a healthy man would be horny under these circumstances.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
The way you write this, you seem to be in control of the situation. Everybody goes through hard times, that?s just how it is, and you seem to be dealing well with this. Even when you write that things are not easy, I enjoy reading you, because you keep your head up and you do what you gotta do. It?s refreshing, because most of us are often depressed and hopeless, or inconsistent with staying away from porn. It just shows that rebooting is also about emotional balance and psychological sanity. Keep up the good work, it?s a pleasure each time to read about your progress.
Conan
Member
DAY 90
Here we are, 90 days. Can't believe it's already been that long, in the begining 10 days looks like an eternity, but after a certain point it just becomes a routine. Just like one of my favorite quotes from Bojack Horseman: "It gets easier, but you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part".
I still don't consider myself cured, just like I said in the begging, it's probably gonna take a year for me to feel 100% like I used to be before porn. But I also can't deny all the progress and benefits that I reaped in this time period: no more porn cravings, desire for actual sex, increased attraction to real life females instead of pixels, return of strong nocturnal erections, more confidence, better self control, improved relationships with people and family and, most importantly, having sex without any issues.
The only thing I'm missing right now is 100% erection strength, instead of 80% to 85% that I have now but even that is slowly getting better.
90 days done, here's to another 90 and the rest of my life.
Here we are, 90 days. Can't believe it's already been that long, in the begining 10 days looks like an eternity, but after a certain point it just becomes a routine. Just like one of my favorite quotes from Bojack Horseman: "It gets easier, but you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part".
I still don't consider myself cured, just like I said in the begging, it's probably gonna take a year for me to feel 100% like I used to be before porn. But I also can't deny all the progress and benefits that I reaped in this time period: no more porn cravings, desire for actual sex, increased attraction to real life females instead of pixels, return of strong nocturnal erections, more confidence, better self control, improved relationships with people and family and, most importantly, having sex without any issues.
The only thing I'm missing right now is 100% erection strength, instead of 80% to 85% that I have now but even that is slowly getting better.
90 days done, here's to another 90 and the rest of my life.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Congratulations on 90 days, friend. Keep it up. You have made a lot of progress with PIED in 3 months, I am really happy for you. As you said, cheers to another 90, and much more.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Awesome work. Very happy for you. Keep it up.
Never heard about BoJack Horseman until now. Thanks for mentioning it. Looks interesting.
EW
Never heard about BoJack Horseman until now. Thanks for mentioning it. Looks interesting.
EW
Conan
Member
DAY 92
Had a porn wet dream last night. Wtf?!? It felt so real because my dreams are so vivid now. I would never go back to porn in a concous state, but my brain is an asshole and it tries to get that fix while I'm subconscious. I know it's not a relapse since I can't control any of this but it still fells bad, and it just adds to overall terrible mood I've been in lately. The only good thing is that few hours after the dream I also had a very strong night wood, maybe strongest one so far, but generally my mood is crap and I feel down for a few weeks now, not generally related to pmo. Reboot is truly a rollercoaster of emotions, hopefully it will start going up soon.
Edit:
I think I know why I had the porn wet dream last night. Lately I was really overwhelmed with stuff from my personal life and under a lot of stress. Usually in the past in situations like these I would turn to porn as an escape instead of facing my problems and dealing with them the right way. Since, luckily I don't do that anymore, my brain, considering all the stress lately, decided to recreate that escape mechanism from the past in my dream, hence the outcome. Anyway, aside from feeling a bit down, it didn't affect me in any major way so I keep on going. Hopefully, in 3 more months, by the time I reach day 180 I'll be fully healed or at least close to it.
Had a porn wet dream last night. Wtf?!? It felt so real because my dreams are so vivid now. I would never go back to porn in a concous state, but my brain is an asshole and it tries to get that fix while I'm subconscious. I know it's not a relapse since I can't control any of this but it still fells bad, and it just adds to overall terrible mood I've been in lately. The only good thing is that few hours after the dream I also had a very strong night wood, maybe strongest one so far, but generally my mood is crap and I feel down for a few weeks now, not generally related to pmo. Reboot is truly a rollercoaster of emotions, hopefully it will start going up soon.
Edit:
I think I know why I had the porn wet dream last night. Lately I was really overwhelmed with stuff from my personal life and under a lot of stress. Usually in the past in situations like these I would turn to porn as an escape instead of facing my problems and dealing with them the right way. Since, luckily I don't do that anymore, my brain, considering all the stress lately, decided to recreate that escape mechanism from the past in my dream, hence the outcome. Anyway, aside from feeling a bit down, it didn't affect me in any major way so I keep on going. Hopefully, in 3 more months, by the time I reach day 180 I'll be fully healed or at least close to it.
Conan
Member
DAY 94
I feel like I'm vin a flatline again though I could be wrong. My last morning wood (which was pretty good btw) was on day 90. Also I didn't see my partner for a week now so I can't tell the state of my libido. And since I won't be seeing her in a while (has some problems that she needs to take care of) I can't possibly know for sure.
I do know is that i feel down most of the time and don't really have a desire to do pretty much anything. This isn't necessarily related to pmo as I also suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression and a whole platora of other mental problems (that could or could not be caused by years of pmo, some of them might be, some are there since birth). These days I barely do anything other than work, go to the gym and then sleep. Rince and repeat. I also can't stop overthinking a lot of the stuff from my life and surroundings (I've been like this since I was a kid so nothing to do with pmo) and excessive thinking inevitably leads to melancholy. Reading stories on forums like this can affect me as well if they are vad ones, of people struggling for years and years.
I think that for now it might be a good idea to take a break from the forum and try to force myself to be more active in my personal life, go out more and socialise more, limited as that might be due to all the bad weather, cold and covid going on right now. If something significant happens I'll be back to report but for now things have been going pretty much the same for a month or so so no need to repeat myself every few days here.
Soon I'll reach and go over 100 days and that at least makes me happy. It's different when your counter gives you 3 digits as opposed to 2 and especially one. Reboot wise, I still have no desire to go back to porn, I still don't touch my dick aside from urinating, I still get night woods every night and occasionally a morning wood. I still get my libido back when I'm next to my partner (or at leas I was, as I said didn't see her in a week).
So yeah, going to take a little break from posting here everyday, and focus on breaking the routine of my personal life that I've fallen into lately and that is obviously causing me to feel down all the time. Again, if something significant happens that hasn't happened so far during the reboot, I'll be back to report.
Stay strong folks.
I feel like I'm vin a flatline again though I could be wrong. My last morning wood (which was pretty good btw) was on day 90. Also I didn't see my partner for a week now so I can't tell the state of my libido. And since I won't be seeing her in a while (has some problems that she needs to take care of) I can't possibly know for sure.
I do know is that i feel down most of the time and don't really have a desire to do pretty much anything. This isn't necessarily related to pmo as I also suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression and a whole platora of other mental problems (that could or could not be caused by years of pmo, some of them might be, some are there since birth). These days I barely do anything other than work, go to the gym and then sleep. Rince and repeat. I also can't stop overthinking a lot of the stuff from my life and surroundings (I've been like this since I was a kid so nothing to do with pmo) and excessive thinking inevitably leads to melancholy. Reading stories on forums like this can affect me as well if they are vad ones, of people struggling for years and years.
I think that for now it might be a good idea to take a break from the forum and try to force myself to be more active in my personal life, go out more and socialise more, limited as that might be due to all the bad weather, cold and covid going on right now. If something significant happens I'll be back to report but for now things have been going pretty much the same for a month or so so no need to repeat myself every few days here.
Soon I'll reach and go over 100 days and that at least makes me happy. It's different when your counter gives you 3 digits as opposed to 2 and especially one. Reboot wise, I still have no desire to go back to porn, I still don't touch my dick aside from urinating, I still get night woods every night and occasionally a morning wood. I still get my libido back when I'm next to my partner (or at leas I was, as I said didn't see her in a week).
So yeah, going to take a little break from posting here everyday, and focus on breaking the routine of my personal life that I've fallen into lately and that is obviously causing me to feel down all the time. Again, if something significant happens that hasn't happened so far during the reboot, I'll be back to report.
Stay strong folks.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Hi, Conan.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Expectations are a heavy burden. Things are slowly getting better. Keep it up.
Maybe instead of a gym, workout in the outdoors? I think it is different when you are looking at trees or something and not other people exercising or vacant exercise equipment.
For the mental problems. I find this a good list of psychological modalities. I've posted it many times before as I find this to be the best modern psychology has to offer:
https://www.torahpsychology.org/mindbody
edit: I don't think there is just a single flatline. I think there are many levels to the flatline or different flatlines? There is more to flatline.
EW
Don't be too hard on yourself. Expectations are a heavy burden. Things are slowly getting better. Keep it up.
Maybe instead of a gym, workout in the outdoors? I think it is different when you are looking at trees or something and not other people exercising or vacant exercise equipment.
For the mental problems. I find this a good list of psychological modalities. I've posted it many times before as I find this to be the best modern psychology has to offer:
https://www.torahpsychology.org/mindbody
edit: I don't think there is just a single flatline. I think there are many levels to the flatline or different flatlines? There is more to flatline.
EW
Conan
Member
DAY 98
Depression has taken a tool on me, I feel like I'm dead and lifeless all the time. I sleep much more than I did before and still it seems like I'm not properly rested. I'm flatlining big time, no more morning or night woods, just heavy depression. No motivation, no energy, no nothing, just a literal flatline. It feels terrible and I also feel terebly lonly . It's most likely going to stay like this untill the end of the year, I have a looong road ahead of me.
Obviously my depression has a direct impact on my libido and nocturnal erections, it's just a matter of which came first. Did my libido disappear because of my depression or did the depression manifested because my libido disappeared? I don't think porn alone is my problem, obviously porn is to blame for loss of libido and unattractiveness from real life girls that I developed in time, and I don't plan on going back to it ever again. But depression also plays a huge part in it too, as well as anxiety. Now, most people suffering from PIED also develop anxiety which is normal, they just can't be sure if their cocks will work or not once they try sex and that's a huge stress situation. But I don't think my depression is connected to porn use, sure porn could have contributed a little, but I've had it even before the heavy use of porn. For me porn was an escape from that depression and all the bad things in my life. Luckily I don't do that anymore, back in the day I would go back to porn for waaaaay less then what I'm going trough now, so at least that is a huge success. It doesn't make things any easier though.
All I know is that I'm fighting this from every side on all fronts. I'm fighting like I never fought anything in my entire life, and its overwhelming and there are days when I think it's going to consume me whole but still I go on fighting. Hopefully it will be worth it one day whalen I go back and read this journal again as a healthy man.
Depression has taken a tool on me, I feel like I'm dead and lifeless all the time. I sleep much more than I did before and still it seems like I'm not properly rested. I'm flatlining big time, no more morning or night woods, just heavy depression. No motivation, no energy, no nothing, just a literal flatline. It feels terrible and I also feel terebly lonly . It's most likely going to stay like this untill the end of the year, I have a looong road ahead of me.
Obviously my depression has a direct impact on my libido and nocturnal erections, it's just a matter of which came first. Did my libido disappear because of my depression or did the depression manifested because my libido disappeared? I don't think porn alone is my problem, obviously porn is to blame for loss of libido and unattractiveness from real life girls that I developed in time, and I don't plan on going back to it ever again. But depression also plays a huge part in it too, as well as anxiety. Now, most people suffering from PIED also develop anxiety which is normal, they just can't be sure if their cocks will work or not once they try sex and that's a huge stress situation. But I don't think my depression is connected to porn use, sure porn could have contributed a little, but I've had it even before the heavy use of porn. For me porn was an escape from that depression and all the bad things in my life. Luckily I don't do that anymore, back in the day I would go back to porn for waaaaay less then what I'm going trough now, so at least that is a huge success. It doesn't make things any easier though.
All I know is that I'm fighting this from every side on all fronts. I'm fighting like I never fought anything in my entire life, and its overwhelming and there are days when I think it's going to consume me whole but still I go on fighting. Hopefully it will be worth it one day whalen I go back and read this journal again as a healthy man.
Conan
Member
Today was supposed to be my day 99 but I just relapsed. I don't know anything anymore. I was doing so well, made it 100 days and now this. I feel like shit. It was just one video and I came almost instantly as I touched my cock. And the worst thing is I wasn't even that hard at all. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't beat this alone. No one can. When I had someone next to me it was going really well, but I have been alone for a few weeks now and it seems impossible now. Depression always gets to me. I had a panic attack right now. I feel completely and utterly defeated. I just want to be happy....
Conan
Member
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It's not just a battle with porn, it's a battle with heavy depression as well. And lately it has been some other things too , it's overwhelming. Literally overwhelming. I have restarted my counter, starting from day 1 again, this time I'll attempt a full hard mode, no sex as well, at least for a while. I don't have anyone anymore to have sex with anyway so it's not like I have a choice. I've been neglecting my psychiatrist lately, I haven't been there in more then a month, if I had i think I would handle this shitty situation better and wouldn't relapsed. That's one mistake I don't plan on repeating, and I already booked one session for tomorrow.
I feel scared. I feel defeated. I feel like I'll be stuck in this newer ending nightmare for the rest of my life. That I'll live and die alone and that I'll waste the rest of my life like I wasted the time I had so far. It's unbearable and it takes a huge tool on my psychie. Maybe I'll truly never recover. Maybe I'll never be how I was and how I was supposed to be if I hadn't destroyed myself with this shit. The sad truth is that I have been fighting this since 2012. That's 8 years, and I still can't beat it. I still feel like I didn't improve at all during all this time. This thing made me go trough a living hell multiple times, made me lose people who cared for me, ended a 5 year relationship with the best women I have ever met and probably will ever meet. It took all from me and yet I still go back to it no matter what. Out of despair, fear and loneliness. At this point it's not the addiction anymore, it's depression that's causing all this. I thought I had it under control but no...
And still I go forward. These 100 days were my longest streak that I had in these 8 years. If I can do it once I can do it again, at least I hope I can. It's easier when you are not alone in this, which sadly I am at the moment. Loneliness is what gets me, so I'll try to focus on that this time and make sure I don't repeat the same mistake twice.
I reealy did make a great progress during this streak, at one point I even thought that I'm almost cured. It will at least be interesting to see if those benefits stay this time or will I lose all of them. Time will tell.
I feel scared. I feel defeated. I feel like I'll be stuck in this newer ending nightmare for the rest of my life. That I'll live and die alone and that I'll waste the rest of my life like I wasted the time I had so far. It's unbearable and it takes a huge tool on my psychie. Maybe I'll truly never recover. Maybe I'll never be how I was and how I was supposed to be if I hadn't destroyed myself with this shit. The sad truth is that I have been fighting this since 2012. That's 8 years, and I still can't beat it. I still feel like I didn't improve at all during all this time. This thing made me go trough a living hell multiple times, made me lose people who cared for me, ended a 5 year relationship with the best women I have ever met and probably will ever meet. It took all from me and yet I still go back to it no matter what. Out of despair, fear and loneliness. At this point it's not the addiction anymore, it's depression that's causing all this. I thought I had it under control but no...
And still I go forward. These 100 days were my longest streak that I had in these 8 years. If I can do it once I can do it again, at least I hope I can. It's easier when you are not alone in this, which sadly I am at the moment. Loneliness is what gets me, so I'll try to focus on that this time and make sure I don't repeat the same mistake twice.
I reealy did make a great progress during this streak, at one point I even thought that I'm almost cured. It will at least be interesting to see if those benefits stay this time or will I lose all of them. Time will tell.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
I hear you man. I've been to much similar place just add being a virgin to the mix.
For depression a quick fix is to get up in the morning at same time and have a low carb-ish breakfast. For my depression I can safely say that getting up in the morning and the breakfast makes a dent in the depression. The day sucks less that other-wize.
I suggest this audio book Can't hurt me by Goggins.
Wish you well
EW
For depression a quick fix is to get up in the morning at same time and have a low carb-ish breakfast. For my depression I can safely say that getting up in the morning and the breakfast makes a dent in the depression. The day sucks less that other-wize.
I suggest this audio book Can't hurt me by Goggins.
Wish you well
EW