The Final Cut

[Conan]

Thanks man, I plan on reorganizing my sleep patterns as they have been all over the place lately, which ceretalny contributed to the relapse. And also more frequent visits to the psychologist, I also dropped the ball there in the last month, I became too confident and here's what happend. During the first 2 and a half months where I was much more disciplined something like this would never happen. Luckily I can learn from my mistakes.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Hi Conan,

Sorry to read you are feeling so bad. I really hope you get out of this emotional turmoil quickly. Life is a bitch, man, it truly is. It seems humans need such a complex combination of different things to be somewhat happy, and that combination seems really hard to reach in our lives. We need to love and feel loved, to have healthy relationships with other people, to feel that we are fulfilling ourselves professionally, that we are taking care of ourselves, that we are successful in life, and so on... It?s really not simple. Especially for guys like us who are so acquainted with despair, it can seem unreachable... But I think this can change: we can learn to be happy, or at least to be less unhappy. It?s just not natural for us. But it doesn?t mean it?s not possible.

You have accomplished a lot in the last 100 days. I know you can?t see this right now, but you can be proud of yourself for staying clean for 100 days and for growing so much. We have all relapsed at some point in our lives. All of us. All the guys who wrote the success stories that inspire you have relapsed at some point. That?s just how it is. And it?s like this for everything in life, not only with quitting an addiction: humans almost never succeed on their first or second try. It takes a lot of time to become successful in almost anything. You will get there too, man, I have no doubt about that. Hang on.

Short term advice: try to stay away from despair. What you are feeling right now will pass. Your case is not hopeless at all; you won?t be stuck in this situation forever; you are not wasting your life or anything like this. You are human, and humans have flaws. Yup. That?s what I feel like saying right now: fuck despair. Despair is just another trap in which we get caught too often. But despair is not healthy, is not right, is not reasonable. It?s just a trap. Now I hope it doesn?t sound like I am lecturing you: in fact, I feel a lot like you. And I haven?t fixed those issues in my own life yet, I am still struggling with all of this. I am only trying to reach out to you, so you know you are not alone and that there is hope. Yeah, man. Fuck despair.

Take care of yourself, friend. And good luck.

 

[Conan]

Thanks Bilbo, fighting this alongside so much other stuff at the same time seems impossible. I often think of the amount of shit we have to deal with and go through, of restrictions we have to impose on ourselves just so that we can hope to one day function normally. Then I think of all the people who don't have to go through any of that and take their erectile health for granted. It's simply not fair, and it's shit, and it leads to overthinking, overthinking leads to despair, despair fucks you up in the end.

It seems that one relapse didn't do that much damage though, I still had good nocturnal erections last night, we'll see how things go in the following two weeks. My goal for now is to survive those two weeks without relapsing again as I'm now the most vounerable, if I manage to do that and this ends with this one relapse, I should be good. If I give in and binge, then it's back to zero.

I've made a routine plan for my daily life that I'll try to stick with for as best as I can. When I'm disciplined and have a routine I'm much less susceptible to depression in general. I also deleted my social networks as they are a gateway to depression for me, and I'll try to limit my internet use as much as I can, while increasing outdoor activities and socializing with people. If I can go 100 once I can do it again, benefits are there and the process does work. This time I should probably see progress even sooner, as long as I don't give in to despair again....

 

[EarthWalker]

Great guy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rYRKZfunJA

EW

 

[Conan]

Some good news.

Last night I had sex. Today I did as well. So luckily, one vanilla relapse didn't sent me back to 0 and I kept most of my progress.

But me stressing about it did cause me to fail, when I went for it last night I was completely flaccid. This broke me and I came clean about everything to her, about PIED, about my addiction, the reboot, relapse I had, everything. And she vas totally understanding and even said it all makes perfect sense. She even vent on yourbrainonporn to read the articles and YouTube videos. Getting this fucking thing  off my chest and sharing it with someone made me 1000 times better, like a huge weight was lifted off mu shoulders. For the whole day I was overthinking about the relapse, was anxious and depressed like hell, and all of that disappeared in an instant. A few minutes later I was hard and we had sex, the best one in the past 100 days since I started the reboot. Then I realised that this one time it wasn't PIED, it was anxiety caused by the relapse. So anxiety can have just as big of an effect as PIED can. Today, we went for a round two, as good as the one last night.

One relapse, if vanila and done quick, won't erase all of your good work you have done. But stressing about it will give you performance anxiety, and that is just as bad as PIED. I was one of the people who never believed in performance anxiety, but since last night I'm a beleaver.

Of course the main reason for anxiety after a relapse and the main reason why most guys binge is the counter. Seeing something go from 30, 60, 90, 100+ back to 0 is enough to give anyone anxiety and depression. Counters are good for the first month or so, after that maybe it would be better to forget about them and just move on with the mindset that you are doing this for life. That's why I won't be counting days from now on. I'm just continuing without P and M while rewiering along the way. In a funny way I think this mini relapse was a blessing as without it I wouldn't have shared my troubles with someone and this makes all the difference and makes everything oh so much easier and smoother. Let go of pride, share this with anyone you can, don't wait to make the same mistake I made, learn from mine instead.

 

[Conan]

Had tons of really good nocturnal erection last night and one this morning. It's amazing what a general shift in mood can do to your erectile health. Stress, anxiety and depression are as big of a factor as PIED is.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Hey Conan, how have you been? Hope you are well.

 

[Conan]

Hi guys, thanks for the replies, I thought I should give an update since I haven't been active in 2 weeks here. It's been a little over two weeks since that stupid 5min relapse on day 100 and here is the report:

- The good:
I feel like no progress has been lost, it just stagnated for 2 weeks or so, and I feel like I'm just now continuing from where I left off on day 100. This is a good thing to know if you relapse for some stupid reason like I have, just don't give in to urges and don't binge for the love of god and you will be good, yes your progress will be frozen for 2 weeks, but then it will continue from where it left off. I had some amazing nocturnal erections during these 2 weeks and I also had a decent amount of sex too, no problems there, had one last night and one this morning. Usually if a go a few days without orgasm I'm super sensitive and come really fast, like last night but the round two can last for as long as I want like this morning, so can't complain there. This morning was probably the best sex I had since I started the reboot in august, not just for me but for her as well, judging from the big smile at the end. So again, nothing to complain there.

- The bad:
Even though the relapse didn't destroy any progress the urges to watch porn were unbearable. Literally unberable. No wonder 99% of people binge after a relapse and fuck everything up. I have no idea how I managed to resist. I didn't know I had this amount of will power. I guess I knew if I give in my 100 days progress will be lost and that kept me safe. Bit still every day was a struggle, just goes to show how deep the adiction goes. After about 10 days or so the urges subsided and now I'm back to where I was at day 100. But still, last 2 weeks were really hard addiction wise but I managed to come out undefeated.

-Conclusion:
I have been avoiding the forum for these 2 weeks and will continue to do so in the future, coming here roughly every two weeks or so just to post an update. I realized that I started obsessing with this shit and coming here every day just to read stories and bum myself out for no reason. The only thing worse than PIED is obsessing over PIED, and once I just forgot that I have PIED and didn't even think about it thing reealy started improving. Don't underestimate the power of the mind, just try to forget that you have this thing in the first place, continue with your life like PIED doesn't exist and soon it really won't exist for you. Yes this forums are useful but if you start living here you are trading one addiction for another, get all the info you need, make a plan for the reboot, stick to it and give the forums a rest. If you come here every day to read stories and troubles of other people iti actually counter productive. You have PIED. You know what the cure is. Stick to it, it does work, my story is a great example, and don't come here to compare yourself and overthink everything. Again, forget that you have PIED and in time you will not have it for real. Also, don't use counters once you go more than a month, they do more harm than good at that point.

Generally I feel really good, one might say I'm cured, but since I did have that stupid relapse two weeks ago, it means that, at least, porn adiction is still there even though PIED is mostly gone. But if things continue like this, I might post a success story at the start of next year. Will keep you updated every 2 weeks or so.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Good news. Congratulations for all of this. It?s been enjoyable to follow your journey through recovery so far.

Good advice for the forums, too. It?s better to not become obsessed with healing PIED. Though communicating with other guys is not only to get or provide advice: it?s also for mutual support, which has been priceless for me. But of course, our goal is to eventually leave the forum and live our lives to the fullest. Glad to see you are getting there.

Take care, man.

 

[Conan]

I'm still not 100% cured. I hope I will be by june/july next year.

BUT

The "amount of cured" I am right now is more than enough for me to lead a normal life and be in a normal relationship. Whenever I'm with my girl, hugging, kissing etc I always get hard, i don't even think wether I'll be able to perform or not, I always know I will. I get turned on by her smell, her presence alone. Last night she was reading something to me, completely non sexual, and I got hard just from listening and looking at her. It feels great to have my normal libido back. Like I said, I can now always perform, usually we have sex before bed and then again in the morning when we wake up and it always works like a charm. I can even perform twice in a row and then again in the morning. How long I last has to do with the amount of time since last orgasm, since I don't masturbate, I only orgasm from sex. If it's been a week since last time then I'm super fast and sensitive, if we had some consistency with orgasms then I can last decently, again nothing to do with PIED just common sense. I can also perform in any position be it missionary, doggy or girl on top. All in all, it's starting to feel like a normal life again.

Now, why I'm not 100% cured yet? Few things. First I still don't wake up with morning wood. I have several nocturnal erections (mostly good quality) every night but I almost never wake up with one in the morning. I know they don't mean anything and that nocturnal and morning wood is the same thing but still it would be nice to have those back again one day. Second my erection quality is all over the place. While it's always good enough to perform the strength varies, sometimes it's great, sometimes just decent, and it would be really nice to see consistent good quality there as well. Thirdly my erections still don't last that long without stimulation, though this has improved a little with time it's still not where it should be.

Like I said, I can still function and live normally without things listed above but I can't call myself 100% cured. However I have noticed some really small improvements in all of the things listed above as time goes on so that's why I'm hoping I will be at 100% by jun/july next year. And even if I don't, as long as they keep improving in time I'm happy, I'll get to 100% eventually.

I'll give another update in a month or so, untill them I'm still keeping away from the forums. Not thinking and obsessing about this helps more than you know.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Hi Conan,

Glad to hear about you. Those are really good news. Congratulations, and keep it up. You have managed to fix most of your libido, and as you say, it?s more than enough to have a normal sex life. Sincerely happy for you.

I want to point out, though, that nocturnal erections and morning wood are not the same thing. Gary Wilson wrote an article on that, you can read it here: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/any-connection-between-orgasm-abstinence-and-testosterone-levels/testosterone-necessary-for-nocturnal-erections-but-waking-erections-depend-on-dopamine/

Nocturnal erections depend on testosterone, while morning wood depends on dopamine. That?s why a lot of guys in the forum have frequent nocturnal erections but still don?t have regular morning wood. But that?s just a detail. What matters here is your recovery. Congratulations again, and please don?t forget to keep us updated in the next months. It?s important for guys who are still struggling to read positive stories like yours.

Take care, man.

 

[Conan]

I wish reboot was linear, progress wise. Instead it's more like a rollercoaster, and even now I still experience ups and downs all the time.

It looks like I still need a couple of hours of rest between orgasms. For example last night I had sex, no problem whatsoever, hard strong erection, crazy horny etc, all the good things. Then, half an hour later I couldn't go for round 2, because I felt completely asexual, like an ameba. This morning, though, after a few hours of sleep and rest, got hard again and while not crazy horny I went for successful round 2. So not sure what to make of this, it could be that I need a few hours of rest before sessions because it's still to early for me to orgasm multiple times per night and it truth is it is, I remember Gabe needing 9 months before he was able to have sex at all and here I am, rebooting since August (with one quick relapse) wanting to orgasm multiple times per night at this stage. I'll get there, just not yet. Also, I've been really sick for the past 2 weeks, extreme headaches every day, high body temperature and generally pretty weak ( it's not covid, but I still feel terrible). This could have been tempering with things as well, it's really difficult to do anything in this condition because of all the physical pain and symptoms. And also I have been locked up in my apartment for weeks because of covid and haven seen much of outside and it has taken a tool on my psychie as well. All in all, there are many factors that are currently tempering with my progress but I would say I'm still going forward, it's just that the reboot can sometimes be like a metal spring, stretch it too much with good progress and it will shrink back again for a while before stretching again.

So to sum up, I can have sex just fine when desire is there, bit I do experience (most of the time) a mini flatline after each orgasm, that can last from a couple of hours to a day max, though this depends on my mood, general health, how well rested I am etc. It's not a huge issue, but hopefully these mini flatlines will become shorter and shorter as time goes on, I know that this is a common problem for people who start having sex after a reboot and that it does get better and goes away completely in time so nothing really strange here.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Well overall that?s pretty good news. Seems you?re in for a solid recovery, you?re just not completely healed yet. Everything you wrote makes sense to me, so I am not worried about you. You know where you are in terms of recovery, and you do what you have to do, so it will all be fine. I hope things improve for you in the next weeks or months. Happy Holidays, friend.

 

[Conan]

My gf just told me that the sex we had last night and this morning was amazing  and that she really enjoyed it and I see that from her behavior and general mood today, so I can't really complain there. I do find this mini flatlines (which are actually my refractory period) after orgasm reeeealy annoying but compared to flatlines other people experience after sex, that last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, mine are nowhere near as bad, lasting around 6 or so hours on average. I think I just got too confident in my progress and now I expect amazing results all the time, I should be more than happy to have made this much progress in, what is essentially, 5 months with one minor relapse. Some people don't see progress in years and here I am nitpicking at this point in a reboot. And don't get me wrong, I don't expect to orgasm 10 times per night, that is not likely achievable  even for someone who is completely healthy in every way, unless he's a horny teen, which I'm not. But, being able to occasionally go twice or three times per night should be normal for someone my age, and I hope I get there one day. But for now, even what I have so far is still way better then what most people have at this stage so I honestly don't have any reason to complain, just to continue fighting untill I reach a point I consider 100%.

 

[EarthWalker]

Awesome Conan. Very happy for you.

 

[Conan]

First update in 2021 and some good news.

Had sex 3 times in the last 15 hours, with a few hours in between rounds. First two attempts worked like a charm, first was extremely pleasurable for me (sex feels better and better each time) and on second one even made her cum really fast, so extremely pleasurable for her. Third time started hard (pardon the pun) but then I lost the erection halfway through, then switched to hands and oral in order to finish her off, and then the erection came back and I finished the third round as well. Not really sure if the slipup in 3rd round happened because the PIED is not yet fully cured or because I constantly kept thinking to myself "This is the 3rd round, no way this is gonna work, I'll lose it for sure". So eventually I did, anxiety and fear plays a big part in this shit, but as soon as I relaxed it came back, and it was the 3rd round so no big deal. These are all really good news, again still not fully cured and I still have to deal wit a lot of anxiety caused by years of porn abuse, but compared to how things were, this is literally night and day.

On a side note I started doing a daily routine of reverse kegels and pelvic floor massages/ stretching exercises in order to ease and relax my tense pelvic floor muscles (also caused by years of bad masturbation habits). Not sure if it's going to speed up the recovery but I know it feels super good afterwards so I'll keep doing it, it ceretalny can't hurt.

Progress is there, slow but it's there. If I'm lucky I'll be at 100% by the end of the year if things continue at this pace. But I'm happy regardless, this is starting to feel like a normal life again.

 

[akpal2]

Thank you for posting Conan. This is so incredibly motivating to read. You are on your way to healing and that makes me so happy that one more person is able to put this PIED crap behind them. I am going to go to the beginning of your journal to read your story. Keep it up and keep posting.

 

[Conan]

It's been a week since I started doing a daily routine of reverse kegels and pelvic floor massages/ stretching for 15min per day and I have seen improvements, hopefully it's not a placebo. In the past 4 days J have woken up with morning wood on 3, and on that one day when I haven't I woke up to an alarm so it doesn't count. Now the hardness of those morning erections isn't anything to write home about but the length and angle is there, they all pointed up while laying on my back. This may be just the reboot working it's magic and has noting to do with the massages but time will tell, I plan to continue doing them anyway since it feels super good and relaxing finally taking care of my tight pelvic floor.

On another news more successful sex last night, on second round I made her squirt all over me, it was actually my first time seeing a woman squirt in person and it actually turned me on like a maniac, it was great. She told me that she really enjoys sex with me and that is a great anxiety releaver. Spent the day hanging out outside together, had an erection on multiple occasions just being close to her.

So far, all is well.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

That?s cool, man. You are definitely well advanced on the path of recovery, keep it up.

Things have improved for me as well in the last week. It?s still too early to celebrate, but if things keep going the same way, I will finally have good news to share in my journal.

I had read about pelvic floor exercises and reverse kegels a few months ago, but felt it was too early for me to start doing them. Your post reminded me of that, so I have started a little routine as well. Thanks for the reminder, and congratulations again.

 

[Conan]

It seems that my refractory period is becoming better, last night I had sex twice within 2 hours or so. Both times everything worked like a charm, good strong erections etc, and round 2 was even better then the first one. Also, I've been having really good erections during sleep every night for the past week.

This journal is slowly becoming less about a guy who has PIED problems and more about a guy who keeps having sex with his girl and then writes about it, hopefully things will continue in this direction.