Rebooting from PIED - with my wife

[savingmysoul]

Hi Bibbity,
I was referring just to cloudy urine.  I read somewhere that once that clears up that too could be taken as a sign that a reboot/recovery is nearly complete.  I am not really sure why this occurs or how it relates to PIED.

Still learning
Still Strong
Still Committed

 

[Viper]

I have not personally experienced that and I have turned the corner of my reboot.
I'm thinking everyone's body reacts differently. If it were me, I would go check it out with an Urologist. I just hope that
he/she accepts the concept of PIED.

 

[Bibbity]

Hi Bibbity,
I was referring just to cloudy urine.  I read somewhere that once that clears up that too could be taken as a sign that a reboot/recovery is nearly complete.  I am not really sure why this occurs or how it relates to PIED.

Still learning
Still Strong
Still Committed

Hmmm I haven't heard that personally but good to know!!  Keep strong you are doing awesome 

 

[savingmysoul]

Feels like i am regressing - 140+ days no P & no M.

The first week or so after Dday was very good - i dont know that it was because of adrenelin, being caught or what -

The next month or so after that, we started hitting or missing - some great some ok, or not there.  But i did get there at times. 

The last month or so seems the worse, and responding the last couple weeks has been very bad. 

Trying not to get discouraged, but it is tough on both of us.

 

[Bibbity]

Have you abstained from O for you yet?  Might be time to give that a try.

 

[savingmysoul]

yes, we have decided that i am going to abstain for a period of time.

But even with kissing, cuddling, caressing - i am not responding to well the past week or so.

 

[Bibbity]

Are you focused on anything else while you are kissing and caressing?  Is anxiety creeping in? For me and my husband we always needed to talk about sex or something relaxing/funny/interesting before we could caress and cuddle and kiss.  Kind of like a wind down before we got intimate.  Anxiety would creep in a lot at first so go easy on yourself.  You are doing great!

 

[savingmysoul]

No, my focus has been strictly on my wife, period.  Is anxiety creeping in?  I am sure it is, how can't it.  For all that I have done to her and to our relationship, and on top of that when intimacy is crucial I don't show up physically, it is frustrating.  So moving forward, trying to focus on the positive - the negative can and does creep in.

That being said, we had a great weekend.  I responded quickly and firmly and we were intimate - no O for me, but we were able to share some awesome closeness.  Three times this weekend (all mornings) I was able to respond, the third time losing it fairly quickly (not intimate).  I think that continuing to abstain for me for more time will continue to help this.

Don't give up what you want most for what you want today - could never be more true.  So while I very much wanted to share the experience, I was able to hold off.  I am only 12 days in to the no O, and 147 no P & M.  Still very very very strong and committed on that front.

 

[Bibbity]

Everything you've described was my husbands thoughts this is why I asked if you were thinking of something else.  I didn't mean fantasy.  My husband would continually think "am I hard?, am I hard?, am I hard now?, what about now?" and it would take him completely out of sex.  This is why no O worked so well.  I didn't even touch his penis, it was like it didn't exist.  He still had to really bring his focus towards me and pleasure though and he had a hard time with that.  It's so very hard for him to forget the past, forgive himself and relax. 

It does get infinitely better!  He still has his moments of doubt but is able to work through them with talking and relaxation.  This might be a barrier for you because you haven't told your wife.  I'm sure you could talk to her about it in a performance anxiety kind of way which is likely what's going on now IMO.

Keep going  8)

 

[savingmysoul]

Hi Bibbity, -
I do have those thoughts too creep in, can I get there, if i do can  i stay there, all that.  The self-loathing also creeps in.

And my wife does know about all of this.  Her 'Dday' moment was 12/31/13.  One of the issues we both have is that i didn't figure this all out on my own, and stop on my own.  All the research about the addiction, the lying, the betrayal has put me in a position to never go back - and i am not going back.  I made choices and i knew what i was doing, and what this would mean to her if she found out - and did nothing.  I can only hope that everything i do going forward will help her to continue to find a way to forgive and heal. 

There have been times when we would try and things didnt happen right away, and we would slow down, talk and then things would work.  The last month or so i have been less reliable, and then i woulld tend to rush things which is not right either.  But talking with her and continuing to be in the moment does help.  This past weekend has been a big boost for both of us on the physical front.

During your husband's abstinance, if i may ask, were there times when you both were 'together'?  Or was abstinance purely that -

thanks for your comments

 

[Bibbity]

Do you mean intercourse?  No we didn't engage in any sexual stimuli for him at all.  Nothing, nada. Any focus on his penis would always make things worse.  It really was like his penis didn't exist if you can imagine that!  ;D  He had to focus on anything and everything BUT whether his penis was erect.  It was sort of a brain training exercise in a way.  I am familiar with the rushing as well and sometimes he would go into a 'robotic' mode during sex trying to will his erection back.  All things we've had to sort out and work through. 

Gosh for some reason I thought you hadn't told your wife!!  So sorry about that and so so glad she knows.  As hard as it is for her she can now heal and heal your relationship.  There is a great quote I heard once from an Algonquin medicine man  "Heal a man and he heals himself, heal a woman and you heal a family".  You are on your way

 

[savingmysoul]

yes i was referring to intercourse -

we were questioning if that was ok during a reboot, and now that i am abstaining from O, is it ok or not so ok.  I do keep a personal log for these kind of things so we can look back on what happened when.  But from your earlier posts, i wasn't sure what you and your husband did or didnt do during the 8 week period.  I get the idea - i dont need details - we were questioning whether or not intercourse and with me no O is OK, is great, is not so great. 

I would be curious to see if anyone else has any thoughts.

thanks again.

 

[Bibbity]

Yes it would be interesting to see what others have tried.  I think SO Reboot Partner did Karezza and a few others have as well.  This is basically intercourse but no movement and no Oing.  Check out the sister site http://www.reuniting.info/  We didn't do this simply because we didn't know about it at the time!!

 

[savingmysoul]

We have read about and discussed Karezza as well.

We haven't really explored it too much, but intercourse without me O'ing (in my mind at least) is pretty close from what i have read. 

 

[Bibbity]

This is just my opinion but I don't think it's good for PIED mainly because you still need to have an erection!  I think Karezza is great for rebuilding sexual connection and intimacy and might be a step at some point but taking all focus off the erection is the best approach for PIED.  Just my opinion though 

 

[savingmysoul]

It has been awhile since i posted in this thread - but i have some questions, and wanted to see if anyone has any advice.

I am 190 with no P & no M, that part of the process has been very easy.  Dealing with PIED and all the additional damage this causes has been much more difficult.

I am sporadic with my erections - much less at night, but better in the morning.  I do get regular morning wood - some days better than others.  Times i start to respond and fade, i do respond and fizzle, or nothing at all.

Now there is a new wrinkle, and i am not sure how to gage this.  When i do respond, my sensitivity has increased to levels, that - well - i have forgotten.  I am 17 again, and out of nowhere I 'O' within seconds.  I am not sure if this is typical, or if i should consider this in a positive light moving forward - or am i just really that screwed up.  We were together this morning, and i was in one moment in pretty good control - the sensitivity was there but going very slow with no intention to 'O'.  A moment later i raised up and saw my wife there, and BANG that was it.  There was nothing i could do.

so now i have PIED and PE.  Great.

Anyone else experience this type of progression? 

 

[Bibbity]

Yep!

We had this too.  Seriously we have the same relationship I swear!!  Anyway that goes away with practice.  You haven't been Masturbating so that sensitivity of a teenager is coming back and it's completely normal.  As you engage more in real sex you will learn to control it.  My husband controls it now through deep breathing during sex, closing his eyes, pulling out for a bit, slowing his pace or just changing his tempo when he gets close to O.  This is definitely a good sign and now you just need to gain the sexual control over it which will come with practice and being mindful during sex.

 

[Viper]

you two-
get a room!

8)

j/k

 

[fugu]

I definitely agree with bibbity that a really long no orgasm streak will have you feeling great. It's definitely possible to completely recover from your porn addiction and erectile dysfunction with orgasms from partners, but it seems that more and more people are needing at least an 8 week break from orgasms. Optimally, during this time rewiring without orgasms should be done! Just take some time to really know your significant other without having to have an orgasm. It's definitely a tough feat to accomplish, but it's seriously worth it. Be patient with it too - I went on a 50-ish day streak and there were LOTS of ups and downs during it. I think I felt a little lower in libido around week three when it started...but it slowly came back.

I think one thing to remember is that for the last 10 years you have been slowly strengthening the connection between porn and orgasms in your brain until it essentially got to the point where your orgasm depended on pornography and not a real-life lady. If your brain isn't ready and healed, it's likely that an orgasm slightly re-stimulates your porn pathways in your brain, causing that loss of libido and erections you are talking about. A good way to break this is keep being intimate without orgasms.

Hope this helps friend!

 

[Viper]

yes, we have decided that i am going to abstain for a period of time.

But even with kissing, cuddling, caressing - i am not responding to well the past week or so.

I can relate to this SMS.
Like I've told many before on this forum, not even kissing interested me in the least.
The same woman with nice lips who I've kissed for years just didn't do anything for me.
Her beauty certainly registers but the signals to escalate isn't reaching it's destination.
Only time can heal this. I can't say that I'm 100% recovered but I have
made significant progress. It was hell during the process of rebooting as chronicled
in my journal.

It takes some men longer, our bodies and minds are all different.