Rebooting from PIED - with my wife

[OldHornyGuy]

I am also rebooting with my partner, we are regularly active, and I am very much on again and off again.  Yes, taking some time off from your O's as Bibbity suggests can be very good and you might try that.  The other thing you probably need to do is to reframe things.

I read this book a few years ago and my SO is reading it now: http://whymenfakeit.com/

It mostly deals with the personal stories of men with ED.  No mention of PIED, but that is for another day, I guess.  What I found interesting and ultimately useful about the stories was a common thread.  Many times the couple would go to see the doctor.  The man would bitch and moan about his ED.  Then the Doc would turn to the woman, "What do you think?"

Invariably the response was something like, "I don't see what the problem is Doc.  We make love all the time, we always have a great time.  Sometimes he's not hard.  Who cares?  I love him."

To which the man responds, "I love her too, which is why I want to please her in bed."

To which the Doc should reply, "You already are, thank you and good luck." 

So, Bibbity is right, stop focusing on your penis and just think about making love to your wife.  Use your two biggest sex organs to your best advantage -- your skin and your brain. 

I suggest to everyone who I can say such things to that the best thing for a relationship is naked bed time.  Stark naked, every night, at least 15 minutes, much more if possible.  Sex or no sex doesn't matter.  Full body contact, snuggling, kissing and talking.  Reconnect.  After that the flannel jammies can go on or whatever.  Stay connected and the sex will eventually take care of itself!

 

[savingmysoul]

Hi OHG,

This past week has been better - better responding, less issues.  It has been nice, very nice.

My wife and I have been doing several things these past few months, things that we didn't do.  Why we didnt, mostly because i was not in bed - i was somewhere else - but things all couples should be doing.

We have started to sleep naked some nights - but one thing that has been incredible is holding my wife in my arms - her head on my shoulder.  We talk at night, usually about how we both are feeling as we work through this - or just stuff that happened with our day or about the kids.  Then an amazing thing happens - slowly she will drift off to sleep in my arms, and i just lie there and listen.  Her breathing, deep slow breaths.  I lie there and hold her.  I try to make those few moments last as long as i can before i fall asleep myself.  On nights when -  because of life - when we dont get those 5-10 minute conversations in - i do feel as though i am missing something, like the day didn't end right.  I look forward to those few precious  moments - she is all mine. 

 

[jamessss]

It has been awhile since i posted in this thread - but i have some questions, and wanted to see if anyone has any advice.

I am 190 with no P & no M, that part of the process has been very easy.  Dealing with PIED and all the additional damage this causes has been much more difficult.

I am sporadic with my erections - much less at night, but better in the morning.  I do get regular morning wood - some days better than others.  Times i start to respond and fade, i do respond and fizzle, or nothing at all.

Now there is a new wrinkle, and i am not sure how to gage this.  When i do respond, my sensitivity has increased to levels, that - well - i have forgotten.  I am 17 again, and out of nowhere I 'O' within seconds.  I am not sure if this is typical, or if i should consider this in a positive light moving forward - or am i just really that screwed up.  We were together this morning, and i was in one moment in pretty good control - the sensitivity was there but going very slow with no intention to 'O'.  A moment later i raised up and saw my wife there, and BANG that was it.  There was nothing i could do.

so now i have PIED and PE.  Great.

Anyone else experience this type of progression?

I seem to have the same problem as you.  After 90 days of no PMO, while things do seem to be better with the morning wood and random erections, I seem to have gone from PIED to PE (or probably like you, both PIED and PE).

I'm debating whether to try introducing M without P 1-2x a week, or to completely abstain from O'ing for some time.

 

[savingmysoul]

I would suggest that you stay away from P & M all together.  I have eliminated both during my reboot/rewire.

As up and down as the PIED coaster is and for all its frustrations, I do see light at the end of the tunnel.  A wonderful beautiful light.  I am getting through the PE issue as well.  Now, I had a good week last week - so i am not ready to declare myself the winner - but it is some measure of improvement.  and each step builds from the last.  I thought 90 days was a key milestone but what i am finding out from my own experience and in reading many recent journals, 90 day is not all its cracked up to be.  Accepting that this will take as long as it takes, and committing to that is the heart of your struggle.

You will see improvement.  Give it time, and stay strong.

 

[Bibbity]

I think it takes 90 days to break the addiction but much longer to heal.

You are doing great and your entry about holding your wife was beautiful!  True intimacy is what its all about

 

[fugu]

Hi OHG,

This past week has been better - better responding, less issues.  It has been nice, very nice.

My wife and I have been doing several things these past few months, things that we didn't do.  Why we didnt, mostly because i was not in bed - i was somewhere else - but things all couples should be doing.

We have started to sleep naked some nights - but one thing that has been incredible is holding my wife in my arms - her head on my shoulder.  We talk at night, usually about how we both are feeling as we work through this - or just stuff that happened with our day or about the kids.  Then an amazing thing happens - slowly she will drift off to sleep in my arms, and i just lie there and listen.  Her breathing, deep slow breaths.  I lie there and hold her.  I try to make those few moments last as long as i can before i fall asleep myself.  On nights when -  because of life - when we dont get those 5-10 minute conversations in - i do feel as though i am missing something, like the day didn't end right.  I look forward to those few precious  moments - she is all mine.

This is really beautiful. Keep up the great work!

 

[savingmysoul]

Day 232 No P & no M, have been O'ing with my wife anywhere from one-three times a week for the past few months.

Not sure i am getting anywhere, not sure i see any improvement.  I seem to be on a 5-7 day cycle, O with my wife and then 5-7 days later I am able to respond.  Not 100% each time, but able to PIV.  Morning wood is almost daily, and on some days it is pretty darn solid.  Responses are definately still better in the morning, not so much in the evenings.

Just in that 5-7 day period, responding to my wife is not so great, still.

I need to bite the bullet, step up and just go no O for awhile.  It seems like that together with quitting smoking, and starting some interval training may be what I need.

I want nothing more than to be with my wife, when we want to, without any issues.  I don't know if what i am doing is called the hard reboot, but it isn't really working - looking to speed things up. 

I love my wife, i want my wife.

I can do this.

 

[rider654321]

Hi SMS

In regard to your ED one of the challenges we men face in over coming it in our mindset. It's interesting that when I begin to cuddle and kiss with my wife my mind is almost constantly thinking and searching for "any signs of sensation happening down there yet?".

It's all a bit hard to just relax and be in the moment with my wife when I realise my mind is  focused elsewhere and beginning to worry about whether I am feeling the right kind of sensations down there. And of course if there isn't sensation happening my mind focuses even harder, and that triggers a cycle of emotions and thoughts that will almost always lead to failing to get an erection.

I sometimes describe the feeling I have as it feels as though the pathway between my brain and penis has been cut off somewhere around my stomach. I feel horny in my mind but the flow of sensation stops midway, and when that happens my brain just feels fogged in? 

The odd part about it is once my wife and I just accept that "its not going to happen tonight" the pressure to perform just melts away, and once the pressures off, with a bit more cuddling and kissing usually that leads to me getting a good erection. If by which time my wife has past the point of wanting to re-engage in sex and is almost falling asleep, then the pressures gone altogether and if we just cuddle or spoon then, my damn erection will stay hard till I fall asleep!

Ah the injustice of an uncooperative penis! 

I think the bottom line is that once you have ED its kind of always on your mind when things look like there going to lead to sex. By that I mean in the same way a thought of porn can lead to thoughts of masturbation, the thought of having sex for me also leads to thoughts of my ED. I know that happens all the time in my mind, and it's another thing I am struggling with while I work my way through my reboot.

 

[savingmysoul]

Just thought I would bring this thread back, and also share with everyone what has been happening with my wife and I recently.

Currently, 265 days no P & no M, and currently on a 37 day abstinance stretch in order to get some solid healing with my PIED. 

I noticed that about after the first week I began experiencing several of the typical withdrawl symptoms, and after about 2 weeks, I hit a flatline.  Even though my wife and would be together when I could over the first 7 months or so - with no visible improvment - I never really felt any of the withdrawl symptoms, and even though mentally and emotionally i wanted to be with my wife - most times physically i was unable to.  After 2 weeks of abstaining, I noticed a drop off in both the emotional and mental aspects to go with the physical.  I have also been taking cold showers in the morning daily, eating better, and exercising a few times a week. 

At around 5 weeks, i have noticed that this trend has started to reverse itself, feeling an upswing in all three phases, most importantly the physical side.  Responding to my wife, kissing, cuddling, etc. has improved - sometimes rock solid, others not so much - but compared to the past three weeks, it is improvement.  The only withdrawl symptom I have been dealing with is headaches (also quit smoking 3 weeks ago), and - well - my balls are sore and tender.

The responding has been super for my mindset!  But i know that i am not cured yet, and still have a ways to go.  But i am starting to believe - at least for me - that abstaining and letting the brain rest is critical.  Even though you can reboot/rewire with a partner and reap some benefits, orgasms should be avoided for a prolonged period.  Not news really, but i wanted to share my epiphany moment, and share what the process is like.

Hope everyone finds their strength, it is there in all of us.

 

[Weshaam]

Hi SMS,

I too have experienced very similar physical experiences too you. Hit and miss with my erections, stronger in the mornings etc. I'm currently on day 53 of no PM. I really haven't had much desire for that and I have no problem quitting it for good. All I want is more reliable erections to please my partner. Since you are further along in your reboot/require I'm hoping you can provide some advice. With abstaining from O, is it ok to have sex (if it gets up and I don't force it) and for me to not orgasm? I feel like having sex with my partner will help maintain the relationship during this period.

Thanks