A new Journal

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Hey everyone - I don't go on this website much lately and am sort of impulsively starting up a new journal. I think I could use a bit of a motivation boost, so I imagine that creating a journal can be something of a new beginning, I actually have been doing a lot of things meditating working out etc. but I like that new beginning feeling and this can be a motivation boost/ extra wrinkle.

Age : 28


Today I am not feeling my best. I did my workout as scheduled which is good and will be helpful in the future. I think reading could be a good go to activity at the moment, giving my mind something to do.

I just started up memory training, learning memory techniques etc. I am pretty excited about that

 

[Do or die]

That's good you following a schedule. Just follow it. You can do it.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks for the support man!


I just want to celebrate that I feel much better this morning. I have more clarity and energy and my dreams were better then they have been lately, I actually enjoyed them! I had some dream about someone directing people walking in military formation to do some sort of work on a house where they all lived, the people were civilians and many of them were older.

I just remember watching and thinking it would be cool to know how to train and lead people in that way, the whole vibe of the dream was positive like everyone was enjoying what they were doing. It was just like a sense of curiosity that that I felt. Just really nice emotions.


This morning I was thinking about women I have know and dated a lot, fantasizing cuddling with them. This is generally fine but it's something to not let get out of hand. It did motivate me to want to go and meet some women soon.

I have been meditating most days, with the occasional miss. That is something that I have been working on though, being able to miss good actions here and there, yet still maintain them as a habit.

Yesterday I had a bad reaction to caffeine, it made me really sad, stressed and even gave me an urge. I believe a break from caffeine would be nice, but for some reason when I woke up I thought " I should have a cup of teas".... it'll help me get through my workout. Then I remembered... I am craving a break from caffeine, I feel enough energy..... no tea necessary!


Anyways - Thats it really, I think I'll just celebrate the fact that I feel much better this morning then I usually do.


One annoying thing happened this meeting. I was in an online meeting focused on addiction and was just irritated listening to everyone talk, then I spoke and was a bit rushed by the facilitator. I was pretty annoyed and left the meeting - which was the right decision, as I didn't want to be there. I think though it's good to have a proper perspective, I spoke last and the facilitator may have been short on time. I still am annoyed, but at the end of the day - it doesn't need to be all or nothing. I have been feeling irritated in the meetings for awhile now, really not enjoying them.

I can take a break from them perhaps.... and maybe work on other things for my recovery for a time (or not... who knows)

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Had a short "instadate" today.

Met a girl and we sat outdoors at a cafe. Felt good. Wow I felt a lot of attraction towards her - not sure we'll see each other again. I feel my motivation to date is strong. I want women in my life again BAD (in a good way). Planning to when I see a woman I am interested in - go for it. Go with an open mind see if I like her and if she likes me, repeat this until I find the women who I like that also like me.

I am reading the book Models by Mark Mason it is adapting my mindset and I find it helpful

 

[Chris Oz]

That's great man. Read the book too, Awesome... his best work.

I'm looking forward to the day I get that girl too. Keep being positive and work on yourself in the meantime, someday soon it will be a reality

 

[Jeks]

Hey quit,

its good to hear, how you are actively trying to not only change your life in regards to sexuality, but also on areas like emotional growth and how to think about relationships and dating
The longer i am on this journey, the more i become aware of how porn was often more of a symptom and a reflection of my life in general. Its not about blaming myself, but about recognizing, that there were problems in my life, which i didnt know how to deal with at a young age, so that i got sucked in by porn the longer that whole process went.
This whole process of rebooting is not just about getting your sexuality back and getting away from porn. Its about handling the things, that led you to this point. Its about emotional growth, its about understanding how you lived, how you want to live, what you need as an individual.
How we think about woman, relationsships and how we deal with fears and uncertenties about people, we are attracted to, plays also a big role in that.

By the way, i am also very happy to see some "old faces" here again. Hope you are doing fine.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks guys!

Yeah - Chris, I am getting a lot out of it. It's really changing my perspective on dating

Jeks - Yeah man good to see you too! That was part of why I left it was just discouraging to see people disappear, glad you are hear though.

You were around when Blueheronfan was right? Man me and him were posting on each others journals for like a year plus, was shocked he disappeared. I think I'll always at least check in here to check on familiar faces. I guess at this point the "OGs" are left what, like me, you, do or die, squid (very sorry to anyone I missed! I didn't look thoroughly just went off a few names I recognized toward the top of the page)



Today I had another "instadate"! I met a girl in the park, we actually spent hours together. It was quite the experience. I had a good time but I was a bit triggered on the date, some things she said triggered some porn fetishy thoughts. I think it was mostly my mind making up bs. So being aware of that is helpful.

Overall it was a cool experience! Basically I have been on dates the last two days.

On the models book: It really changed my perspective I have spent years and years working on my pick up skills. By no means is that time all wasted, but it's like a never ending project and it doesn't seem to change much at this point. I feel like I was so often feeling like I had to up my skills or change things, or regretting it if a woman doesn't like me, analyzing etc.

But really - The mindset shift is like - Go for it, don't be sold on a girl just because she is hot AND if we don't date it is no big deal. It's pretty refeshing, basically I am just talking to women I find attractive and not worrying if nothing happens.

A few weeks ago I was going out with a friend to "work on my skills" I was working on the way I spoke - sure I worked on how I spoke but got 0 dates, 0 phone numbers 0 connecting conversations. Really actually going for it, going for the girl and two dates in two days.

Having successfully cut out fantasy to a high level- my drive for women is STRONG. It feels good. I WANT to go out and meet women. Rather then the old chore of going out to "work on my pick up skills".

I should mention - I had a slight craving a bit before posting. But I thought... man I love this drive to meet women I have. This DRIVE comes from the success of my reboot, the stopping of that old fantasizing about porn behaviour. So double down on it! I was a bit triggered by the girl. But the time with that girl was a success, and that success is coming from my drive, which is coming from avoiding my fantasy lol. So ... keep doing what I am doing! That was just the beggining.

I am excited..... I feel momentum building, good dates and connections with women are right around the corner. But the abstinance, my recovery and my life emotions etc come first! The enjoyable dating affection etc are just nice out growths of that.


Random: Considering doing a positivity challenge at some point for a week or so.... controlling my thoughts to focus on what I want ( rather then worrying about what I don't want)

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Last night was sort of briefly shifting into P - fantasy but pulled myself through pure will basically ( go me! : )  )

Still, for tonight perhaps I can plan a bit to get around this. I'll likely walk home - this will clear my head a bit.

Then I will read in the living room , on the couch (perhaps take some melatonin) until I am quite tired, so that ideally, I fall right to sleep when I get in bed. I may even plan an audio book next to me then, to listen to as I fall asleep, I believe I can set a timer for it to stop playing automatically.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Great day today -

I took a risk. I had a dr appointment had a nice chat in the waiting room with a girl. She got called in suddenly and she was like "see you later" and we were both disappointed it seemed.

I felt really embarrassed but I told the receptionist " Can I ask a favor...... I like that girl, give her my number" I wrote my number down and on the way out the receptionist told me that she gave it to the girl and she blushed.....

Hours later I thought " oh well, at least I took the risk..." Then the girl texted me! Pretty darn cool. Will see what happens.

I liked the girl, wanted her, thought she liked me and took the risk to go after it as best I could.


Man - I look forward to keeping my mind clear! PMO free, PMO fetish fantasy free - all this stuff..... Is leading me to many good things. Double down! Meditation - writing my whys using tools from SMART - I want to keep winning and plan and prep and put things in place to help me to continue to win in the future.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well I had something of a lapse

I fantasized about porn last night and I went on tinder, even bought plus and a boost .... so I spent about $12 with tax.

So currently I am on pace to hit 30 days masturbation and full on porn free today. But lapsed on these things....

Hmmmm - What can I do better?

Hopefully some rewiring can help....

I felt like I did many things right yesterday, what was missing?

Well - I guess I can just be logical.... the night time is the "danger time". Right before I sleep, me in my bed.

A solution for that time is important.

I was going to read in the living room, but roomate was there.

New solution..... Read in living room ( if applicable) but then also read in bed sitting up for at least a few minutes before sleeping.

What I need is a JUST before sleep routine, like the 5 minutes before I sleep, routine to USUALLY be completed before I lay down.

It ought to involve a bit of sobriety and a bit of positivity imo...

Considering listing off things I am grateful for in my head (or in a notebook)

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Date went lovely last night ( did I mention I had one?) it was a girl I used to spend time with and hadn't seen. It was really nice and calming having the company - motivating to connect with someone and see how good reality is

 

[Jeks]

Thats good quit, great stuff.
Also your attempt to anticipate for next time, because of your relapse shows some good thinking and seriousness.
But in my view, tinder and all these dating apps are really dangerous. One thing can lead to another. When you feel like you are getting comfortable with talking to women in real life, i would think about dropping those apps. Its just to much of a risk in my opinion. Also just swishing girs left and right, without even consciously thinking about porn, can reinforce some of these old connections in the brain and slow down progress i feel like. Nonetheless good to see you being in action.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! You are absolutely right about Tinder etc. The only possible way I could see apps being usable, would be for a breath predetermined time (really this thinking may be bs - hasn't worked for years for me.... tinder I think is now part of the addiction as I used it so many times for looking at pics/porn alternative).

Anyways- I think the development of patience may be helpful - I never "need to meet someone right now!".

Also the better I feel and the better my lifestyle the easier it is to attract women... so I can focus on that.

That is a good question for myself.... how can I improve my lifestyle?

1) Get a decent job (by decent I mean something that is not awful, that pays me money and I can learn on, with a regular schedule)
2) Rebuild my day scheduling habit! Scheduling my days allows me to do sooo much more - start small! I schedule my workouts maybe just add in 1-2 more things to get the most important stuff done!
3) Get workout equipment for home workouts - do EVEN BETTER with my workouts then I am doing at the gym- make that progress. (gym likely to close in days). Be proud of myself for planning in advance!

As far as #2 - I can sign up for free security guard training. May not be a prestigous job but it is something.... and I hear rumours of a country wide lock down, but people will be paid their base salary... I better have a job when that happens- rather then be unable to get ANY money